I want him to propose soon!

[kitkatz29]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for just over a year and in just a couple weeks it will be our 3 year anniversary since we started seeing each other. We are both 32, and nearing our 33rd birthdays.

 

I'm at the point in our relationship where I am ready to take the next step, and get married and am starting to get frustrated and tired of waiting for him to propose. I feel as though 3 years is plenty enough time to figure out whether you want to be married to the person you are with, especially when you are in your 30's and want to have children.

 

If I was still in my early 20's, I wouldn't be feeling as impatient as I am now. But I'm not. I'm quickly approaching my mid-thirties, and the reality is I have an expiration date hanging over my head when it comes to having children. Not to mention, I don't want to be in my late 30's to early 40's having children. Not that there's anything wrong with those who do, that's just not what I want for myself.

 

Now, before I really get into the whole thing, let me first give a little background about my boyfriend and our relationship. I am his first serious girlfriend lasting more than 3 months. Now, I know what you may be thinking, "red flag!" But I assure you, there is nothing wrong with him, other than him getting inside his own head. He is sweetest, kindest and most loyal man I have ever met and couldn't be a player if he tried. (This sweet, handsome man of mine has absolutely no game. lol). But he has a tendency to let his fears control him a bit. He has a fear of change and the unknown, like many of us do. But his problem is he let's it stand in his way sometimes. And with many of his past relationships, he put an end to it before he ever really gave it a chance. He almost did that to our relationship when we hit the 3 month mark, and it took a bit of convincing when it came to us moving in together about a year or so later. But once we did, he made it a point to tell me how happy he was, and how living together is so much better than he thought it would be. So sometimes, he just needs a little nudge, and to be fair, he has been getting better when it comes to his fears.

 

Anyway, I have brought up the topic of marriage to my boyfriend several times now over the course of the last 8 months. The first time being right after I turned 32. Up until that point, the subject had never been mentioned. During that first conversation, he admitted that he does want to marry me and have children with me. And when I asked him when he saw himself settling down and having kids he said around 34 or 35. I reminded him that we were both 32, and that if he wanted to start having children around 34, that it pretty much meant we needed to be engaged "yesterday." I realize that many guys don't seem to take into consideration the time needed to get to that point, so I broke it down for him, counting backwards from age 34 (9 months of being pregnant, time to conceive, wedding, engagement etc.).

 

After a few months I brought up the marriage conversation again and I told him how it killed me inside every time I saw someone else post on facebook that they were engaged, meanwhile I felt we were no where closer. It was especially frustrating when the couple's getting engaged had been together for less than a year, and here we were 2 1/2 yrs in. I had nothing against those that were getting engaged, and I was and am truly happy for them. But I every time I saw an engagement announcement, I couldn't help but think of my current situation. I told him what I wanted, and also told him that if he didn't want the same thing, that it was okay, but he needed to let me know so I could find someone who does. I reminded him that I'm not getting any younger and of my desire to have children sooner rather than later. He told me that he did want that, and that he didn't want to lose me and that he wasn't going to waste my time. So again, I let it go for a few months.

 

Well recently, it came up again when we went to visit his family for a weekend a few hours away. This time, it came up in a joking around manner while were at a small get together at family friend's home, and after a few drinks. I had recently signed him up for a contest on BlueNile.com to win a $5000 engagement ring. It was done partially as a joke, and partially as a "creative" way to put the thought of "ring shopping" in his head. I knew there was no real chance of winning, but at the worst, he would start receiving ads/promos for engagement rings. He of course found out b/c of the confirmation email he received, which had been mentioned that night, so we both laughed about it and as a result started a light hearted conversation about marriage, with me joking about how he better hurry up and propose soon, preferably by the end of the year, and how our cruise in December would be a good time, but the latest being by my 33rd birthday). This went on for a little while, with me even mentioning my ring size, and showing him pictures of what I liked. There was no awkwardness with this conversation, we were both having a good time with it, and laughing together at certain points.

 

The next evening, we were driving home and I brought up the previous night's conversation. I told him that even though we had been joking around, that I meant every word I was saying and he replied saying he knows. We then began having a serious conversation about us and marriage. I asked if it freaked him out when I said that I want an engagement soon, like preferably by the end of the year. He kind laughed and said "kind of" in a joking around tone. So I of course I asked why. He said, "I don't know...the fear of the unknown, I guess."

 

So we discussed his fears, and I reminded him that no one can predict the future, and that it doesn't matter if we wait another 5 years, he still wont know what's going to happen. That you just have to trust in your heart that you are making the right decision. I also told him that at this point, we've been living together for over a year, and have been together for about 3 yrs. now, and if he didn't know now if he wanted to marry me, he was never going to know and that he should just let me go. He said that he did want to marry me, and when I mentioned a mutual friend that had just gotten engaged to his girlfriend of 1 yr, he said, "well, not everyone is on the same timeline."

 

I responded telling him, "Well, this is true, however, if you and I are not on the same time line or same page, then this is a real problem for us." He then retracted, and said that he thinks we are on the same time line. I then proceeded to tell him that I don't want to feel like I have to convince him to marry me. I want him to propose because he wants to marry me, not because he's afraid of losing me or feels obligated to. But at the same time, I'm not sure how much longer I can afford to wait. I don't want to miss out on my opportunity to have children, or be forced to have them in my 40's because I was being strung along by him. And if it didn't happen soon, then I would be forced to re-evaluate our relationship and current situation and might just have to move on with him. I told him, it's not an ultimatum, that I'm just telling him how I feel and what is going on inside my head. We ended the conversation with him saying, "just give me a chance..." with a smirk on his face. I replied, saying, "I'm trying.."

 

I would love to believe that he's already had a plan in motion, even before this last conversation. But he's also a huge procrastinator, so I really just don't know. While he has been more open to talking about our futures, even starting conversations with me about how many children I want to have and my preferences when it came to having boys or girls, I still worry that he's slacking when it comes to making moves.

 

About a week ago we were hanging out with one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend mentioned to me that she asked him when he was "gonna put a ring on it." And his reply was, " I don't know....if I had a dollar for every time I got asked that, I could buy her a huge rock by now." While, I laughed when she told me that, I couldn't help but focus on the part where he said he didn't know. I didn't expect him to actually say when. But I guess I would have preferred an answer like, "soon," or "I'm working on it..." or something along those lines. But, the phrase "I don't know," makes me feel like he's not even thinking about it. And that not only worries me, but saddens me.

 

Part of me had hoped that maybe, just maybe he might propose when we go on our cruise in December. But when I heard that he said he didn't know, it made feel like there is no chance of that happening anytime soon, and made me wonder if it will happen at all.

 

I feel stuck, and I'm not sure what to do. I told myself that I will not be bringing it up again, and I still feel that's the right decision. I've laid all my cards on the table, told him how I felt and what I wanted, so now the ball is in his court. I don't want to nag him about it. But I keep wondering if I'm wasting my time for nothing, and holding out hope for something that may never happen.

 

Any thoughts? Advice?

[d0nnivain]

It's really hard. You are right you should not have to pressure him into marrying you.

 

When faced with a similar situation I ended up breaking up with the guy . He didn't chase after me with a ring but the thought crossed my mind about how I'd react if he did.

 

I guess you have to read between the lines & assess any non verbal cues you get when discuss marriage. When he talked about the timeline & asked you to give him a chance, did you get any real sense besides blind hope that he was planning something? I ask because my DH proposed on a cruise. Leading up to it I was asking Qs about his future intentions & getting answers like "at my own pace" and "relax I know what I'm doing". So I was reassured.

 

I think the fact that he didn't get angry that you signed him up to win an e-ring is a good sign.

 

I'd probably hang tight through Valentine's day 2016 but after that it may be ultimatum time.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Easy. Have one last talk with him & that's it. Set secret dates of when he needs to propose & get married. If he fails, you bail. That way it's 100% his decision.

[kitkatz29]

Thanks for your comment, d0nnivain.

 

When he said to give him a chance, he had a slight smirk on his face, almost like he was up to something. My initial gut feeling at that moment was that maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he had been thinking about it already, and maybe there is a plan in motion.

 

The way that conversation ended gave me a small sense of reassurance, and made me feel like a cruise proposal was a possibility. But then a couple weeks later the "I don't know" response came after he was asked about proposing by someone else and I found myself having doubt again and I'm not sure if I read too much into some of his comments.

 

Our apt lease ends in the summer, so I had told myself if nothing happens by my birthday, which in March, then it would be time for me to make a decision, and possibly walk....

[kitkatz29]

Easy. Have one last talk with him & that's it. Set secret dates of when he needs to propose & get married. If he fails, you bail. That way it's 100% his decision.

 

Thanks, Clarence.

When you say "secret dates," do you mean come up with a deadline, but not tell him? In my mind, my birthday is the deadline, which is 4 1/2 months from now.

 

 

I'm thinking I should wait and see how the cruise /rest of this year plays out since the last conversation was so recent. If nothing happens, then maybe bring it up one last time in the beginning of the year.

[StBreton]

Thanks for your comment, d0nnivain.

 

When he said to give him a chance, he had a slight smirk on his face, almost like he was up to something. My initial gut feeling at that moment was that maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he had been thinking about it already, and maybe there is a plan in motion.

 

The way that conversation ended gave me a small sense of reassurance, and made me feel like a cruise proposal was a possibility. But then a couple weeks later the "I don't know" response came after he was asked about proposing by someone else and I found myself having doubt again and I'm not sure if I read too much into some of his comments.

 

Our apt lease ends in the summer, so I had told myself if nothing happens by my birthday, which in March, then it would be time for me to make a decision, and possibly walk....

 

 

I like what D0 said above ...she was firm in her decision while allowing her bf at the time some space to do the man thing. I would remove the "possibly" ... if March comes and goes and no engagement ... I would say to him "I know we love each other but it seems we aren't on the same page ... It pains me to leave but I'm going to look at apartments for myself next weekend."

 

You have a good sense of humor based on a few things mentioned in your post ...and seem solid emotionally ... He'd be a fool to let what you have go. If he won the $1m lottery and the ticket for the prize expired in 6 months ... He'd be at the lottery door with ticket in hand ... You are the prize and he needs to get that e-ring in hand!

 

I will say that before I got engaged ...my bf carried the ring on 4 different trips till just the right moment. With your bf's smirk ...seems like he's got a plan. Hopefully he adopts as much faith in you as you have in him and closes the deal...soon:)

[kitkatz29]

I like what D0 said above ...she was firm in her decision while allowing her bf at the time some space to do the man thing. I would remove the "possibly" ... if March comes and goes and no engagement ... I would say to him "I know we love each other but it seems we aren't on the same page ... It pains me to leave but I'm going to look at apartments for myself next weekend."

 

You have a good sense of humor based on a few things mentioned in your post ...and seem solid emotionally ... He'd be a fool to let what you have go. If he won the $1m lottery and the ticket for the prize expired in 6 months ... He'd be at the lottery door with ticket in hand ... You are the prize and he needs to get that e-ring in hand!

 

I will say that before I got engaged ...my bf carried the ring on 4 different trips till just the right moment. With your bf's smirk ...seems like he's got a plan. Hopefully he adopts as much faith in you as you have in him and closes the deal...soon:)

 

Thanks for the kind words, StBreton!

 

I hope he comes through soon as well. I guess, only time will tell. And you're right, I need to be firm in my decision if nothing happens by the deadline I set for myself. That will be the hard part...but I like what you said about how to do it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I have to ask... if, after all of this, he finally DOES propose... would you even want to marry a guy you had to badger and argue into proposing? Would you want to start a marriage off with the knowledge that he agreed to it because you badgered him into it?

 

I cringed when I saw that you'd signed HIM up for an engagement ring competition, in full knowledge that he'd start getting adverts for engagement rings. The poor guy can't actually propose on his own terms now, doing the asking, because you're pressuring and pushing so much, no matter what he does now he loses. If he does propose soon, then it's emasculating that he's had to be talked into it, knowing that if he doesn't so it 'soon' you're walking. If he doesn't propose soon, you walk. There is no room in this situation now for him to take control and ask you to be his wife.

 

I get you want to have kids but I echo the suggestion of another poster to set a date in your head, if you're not engaged by March, then you move on to find someone else. But once you've set this date, do NOT talk about marriage or getting engaged with him again. Stop mentioning it. Stop hassling him about it, telling him other people's engagements make you sad because you want that, signing him up to jewellers companies marketing, and so on. It comes across even to me, based on what you say, that you're more interested in getting married and having kids than you are in getting married and having kids WITH HIM... I'm sure that's not actually true, but if it comes across that way online when you're being as open and honest as possible, do you think he has picked up on that?

 

He almost left the relationship at three months, and at a year in he needed 'convincing' to move in with you. What about any of that suggests this man is ready or willing to marry? You seem to want very different things. You want the marriage, commitment, kids etc. and he wants to take things at a pace that wouldn't work for you, due to your age.

 

The problem is, you moved in with him, despite having to convince him to do so, without ever discussing marriage or what your future together would look like, without making sure you were on the same page. And now you're trying to want the same things at the same time when you just don't. As much as he says 'I want to marry you', unless that comes with a 'will you marry me?' and some kind of engagement ring (if that's what floats your boat), it means nothing. Dude is probably feeling the pressure, I know I would be and I'm a woman. If he wants to marry you, he'll marry you... but you've not left him a huge amount of wiggle room here. Even if he does it's impossible to know whether it's for the right reasons after all of this pressure!

[StBreton]

Thanks for the kind words, StBreton!

 

I hope he comes through soon as well. I guess, only time will tell. And you're right, I need to be firm in my decision if nothing happens by the deadline I set for myself. That will be the hard part...but I like what you said about how to do it.

 

You're welcome KK:)

 

It will be hard to walk away. I don't think you'll have to worry about that, however, so just live in the moment and be as joyful as you can be (no mention of marriage anymore). That'll make it really hard for him to watch you walk away in case he does something crazy like not bending down on one knee before the Ides of March or April fool's day.

Edited November 6, 2015 by StBreton

[acrosstheuniverse]

I read a quote in an older post of yours when you'd been together four or five months:

 

"About a month ago, he had a bit of a "freak out" moment and decided to end things. It left me completely in shock because everything had been going so well. We spent a good amount of time together (which he equally initiated), never faught and and had a good time together. He had given no indication that he was doubting things, so when I heard those unsettling words "we need to talk," I was blindsighted. All he kept saying as he hysterically cried was that "he had to follow his heart" and that "he didn't see me as the person he was going to marry."

 

I thought you hadn't talked about marriage before moving in? You said he almost ended the relationship before giving it chance to blossom at three months, but your older post says he did actually end the relationship, though it was only for a few days. I'm not trying to nitpick or anything and I truly hope it works out for you, but all of this is giving me a bit of a 'meh' feeling. He doesn't honestly seem all that enthused by committing to you for the long haul, either at the start of the relationship, when moving in together, or not.

 

You didn't mention he was divorced either, has he ever mentioned that that plays into his feelings about remarriage? What would you do if he didn't ever want to get married again?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Thanks, Clarence.

When you say "secret dates," do you mean come up with a deadline, but not tell him? In my mind, my birthday is the deadline, which is 4 1/2 months from now.

 

 

I'm thinking I should wait and see how the cruise /rest of this year plays out since the last conversation was so recent. If nothing happens, then maybe bring it up one last time in the beginning of the year.

 

 

Yes, dates that only you know about. I wouldn't allow much time from engagement to marriage to lapse. Don't give him wiggle or stalling room.

[StBreton]

Yes, dates that only you know about. I wouldn't allow much time from engagement to marriage to lapse. Don't give him wiggle or stalling room.

 

Exactly KK ... so this is the same guy who dragged his feet with closing his OLD profile back when you'd been dating a few months? He seems like a bit of a baby (self-centered) with things ... I'm not surprised he's dragging his feet with the engagement. I'd definitely be making some secret dates ... and be very firm about walking away.

[kitkatz29]

I have to ask... if, after all of this, he finally DOES propose... would you even want to marry a guy you had to badger and argue into proposing? Would you want to start a marriage off with the knowledge that he agreed to it because you badgered him into it?

 

I cringed when I saw that you'd signed HIM up for an engagement ring competition, in full knowledge that he'd start getting adverts for engagement rings. The poor guy can't actually propose on his own terms now, doing the asking, because you're pressuring and pushing so much, no matter what he does now he loses. If he does propose soon, then it's emasculating that he's had to be talked into it, knowing that if he doesn't so it 'soon' you're walking. If he doesn't propose soon, you walk. There is no room in this situation now for him to take control and ask you to be his wife.

 

I get you want to have kids but I echo the suggestion of another poster to set a date in your head, if you're not engaged by March, then you move on to find someone else. But once you've set this date, do NOT talk about marriage or getting engaged with him again. Stop mentioning it. Stop hassling him about it, telling him other people's engagements make you sad because you want that, signing him up to jewellers companies marketing, and so on. It comes across even to me, based on what you say, that you're more interested in getting married and having kids than you are in getting married and having kids WITH HIM... I'm sure that's not actually true, but if it comes across that way online when you're being as open and honest as possible, do you think he has picked up on that?

 

He almost left the relationship at three months, and at a year in he needed 'convincing' to move in with you. What about any of that suggests this man is ready or willing to marry? You seem to want very different things. You want the marriage, commitment, kids etc. and he wants to take things at a pace that wouldn't work for you, due to your age.

 

The problem is, you moved in with him, despite having to convince him to do so, without ever discussing marriage or what your future together would look like, without making sure you were on the same page. And now you're trying to want the same things at the same time when you just don't. As much as he says 'I want to marry you', unless that comes with a 'will you marry me?' and some kind of engagement ring (if that's what floats your boat), it means nothing. Dude is probably feeling the pressure, I know I would be and I'm a woman. If he wants to marry you, he'll marry you... but you've not left him a huge amount of wiggle room here. Even if he does it's impossible to know whether it's for the right reasons after all of this pressure!

 

I realize that by posting* on here I have opened up myself to various points of views, both positive and negative and some that I may like and dislike. While I may not necessarily* agree with your comments, you are definitely entitled to your opinion, and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

 

With that* said, of course I don't* want to marry someone I had to badger into proposing.* However, I hardly consider having 3 conversations about marriage over the span of 8 months, after 2+ years of dating, "badgering." I think you are making some quick and harsh judgments about what I had written in my post without fully understanding the situation.

 

Each of 3 conversations had about marriage, have been spaced out, and the first* two were more about discovery than anything* else. How are we supposed* to know* if we are on the same* page or not, if we don't have conversations* about it?? And I say "conversations " in the plural form, because when it comes to important* topics like* marriage and children, more than one conversation is needed.

 

The last conversation was initiated as a result of an action that was done as a joke. One of the things I love about my BF and our relationship is the ability to joke, laugh and have fun with each other.* So I signed him up for a contest to win* a ring...big deal. Him getting advertisements via* email for engagement rings* is no different than seeing a commercial* for Kay or Jarod's on TV. Would* I suggest* someone do that* after a few months* of dating? Probably not. But we have been together 3 yrs, and had already had 2 conversations* about* marriage already.* So I knew this would not cause a bad reaction. He thought* it was funny and we laughed about it and continued* to joke around about us getting* engaged. Because everything was said in a light hearted, jokingly* way I took the opportunity* the next day to continue the conversation* and let him know that while we had a good laugh the night before I meant what I said.

 

I even told him that that I didn't want him to propose out of obligation, that I wanted him to marry me because he wanted to. And if he didn't* want to, he needed to let me know. I think that's* more than fair.

 

Neither of us are mind readers and the only way to know how the other feels is to ask questions* and have an open dialog. Me telling* him what I want and that I can't* wait forever, is not "badgering" him.

 

As for the "convincing" him to move in. All I meant was that I had to ease some of his concerns and have a few conversations about it, because* he had never lived with a girlfriend before. After a couple conversations, I dropped* it and gave him time to decide on his own. I didn't force it. And he came around, because he wanted to.

 

He has never done anything he didn't want to in our relationship, and I doubt he would start now. I am doing what I need to do for me. I am just asking him to be honest with himself and me about what he wants. He says he wants to marry me, but he has yet to make a move and has a tendency* to procrastinate, and I can't wait around for ever for him to step up. Reality is, my body has an expiration date when it comes to having children, and top of it I have a condition that is known to make getting pregnant a bit more challenging, which he is fully aware of. So time is not on my side. Having children is important to both of us, so if he wants to have children with me, then neither one of us can afford to procrastinate. Now if he prefers to wait until he in his late 30's or more to have kids, then he would be better off being with someone younger, who has a little more time to offer. And I have expressed that as well. So I do not regret anything I have said or done so far with regards to this topic. Why should I feel bad for saying how I feel? A healthy relationship is based on trust and communication. If we can't even talk about it, how can we ever move forward...

[basil67]

I realise that I'm posting from a feminist point of view - but why do you have to wait for him to propose? After all your discussions on the topic, it wouldn't exactly be like he's come to the conclusion that he wants to marry on his own, so the romance of the thing is already gone.

 

When my partner and I nearly married, it was me who proposed. I just said "do you think we should get married" and he went "oh, yeah OK" and that was that.

 

(the fact that we didn't marry had nothing to do with my proposing. That was more to do with him wanting massive wedding and me going 'aaargh' at the idea. In the end we decided that we didn't need marriage anyway because we have great defacto laws)

[kitkatz29]

I read a quote in an older post of yours when you'd been together four or five months:

 

"About a month ago, he had a bit of a "freak out" moment and decided to end things. It left me completely in shock because everything had been going so well. We spent a good amount of time together (which he equally initiated), never faught and and had a good time together. He had given no indication that he was doubting things, so when I heard those unsettling words "we need to talk," I was blindsighted. All he kept saying as he hysterically cried was that "he had to follow his heart" and that "he didn't see me as the person he was going to marry."

 

I thought you hadn't talked about marriage before moving in? You said he almost ended the relationship before giving it chance to blossom at three months, but your older post says he did actually end the relationship, though it was only for a few days. I'm not trying to nitpick or anything and I truly hope it works out for you, but all of this is giving me a bit of a 'meh' feeling. He doesn't honestly seem all that enthused by committing to you for the long haul, either at the start of the relationship, when moving in together, or not.

 

You didn't mention he was divorced either, has he ever mentioned that that plays into his feelings about remarriage? What would you do if he didn't ever want to get married again?

 

 

You are correct, it was around the 5 month mark when he had his little freak out, not 3. I misspoke, or mis-typed rather. lol

 

 

He has never been married. I briefly dated someone before my current boyfriend who was divorced, so you may have mixed up some of my previous posts. I am the first person he has ever been in a relationship with for more than 3 months, so once we got past the 4 months he panicked.

 

 

When that whole situation happened he ended up reaching out to me about 3 days later saying he wanted to talk. He admitted that he panicked and that as soon as he ended things, he realized he had made a huge mistake. Even though only a few days had passed, he said he realized how much he didn't like NOT having me in his life and he was so sorry for letting his fears get the best of him, resulting in both of our hearts being broken. I brought up his remark about marrying me, and he said he didn't know why he said that, that he was just scared.

 

 

I admit, that comment bothered me for a long time after we got back together. No matter how good things were going, I always had it in the back of my mind. And I brought it up to him one day, actually around the first time I brought up the topic of marriage about 8 months ago. I told him I had no idea where his head was at because we never talk about our futures. I reminded him of that comment he had made 2 yrs before, and I told him how it made me feel and I questioned what made him say that. I even told him that there had to be a reason why he chose to say that. He told me he didn't know, he didn't like that I smoked (I don't anymore) didn't really like the idea of marrying a smoker, but was freaking out because he was in new territory with me and he thinks he was just looking for a reason. He told me he didn't mean that, and he definitely didn't feel that way now.

 

 

So I had two choices, let that comment hang over my head and making me insecure or choose to trust him when he says he loves me and wants to marry me. I chose the second. He has been a good boyfriend to me over the last 3 years, and while our relationship isn't perfect, (no one's is) he has shown me not only through his words, but in his actions that he loves me. So regardless of whether he did or didn't feel that way back then, I trust that he wants a future with me now.

 

I'm more concerned about him procrastinating to take the next step out of fear. He's a great guy, but he sometimes let's fear get in his way.

[kitkatz29]

I realise that I'm posting from a feminist point of view - but why do you have to wait for him to propose? After all your discussions on the topic, it wouldn't exactly be like he's come to the conclusion that he wants to marry on his own, so the romance of the thing is already gone.

 

When my partner and I nearly married, it was me who proposed. I just said "do you think we should get married" and he went "oh, yeah OK" and that was that.

 

(the fact that we didn't marry had nothing to do with my proposing. That was more to do with him wanting massive wedding and me going 'aaargh' at the idea. In the end we decided that we didn't need marriage anyway because we have great defacto laws)

 

I'm not against the idea of women proposing, if it's something they are comfortable doing and feel is right for their relationship. I think it's great that you did!

 

For me personally though, I just don't think it's the right route... I know it's silly, but I've always dreamed of being proposed to by the man I was going to marry. So I know that if I did the proposing, I would regret missing out on that experience. In addition, I feel like I have had to do a lot of initiating. I'm the one who had to initiate the "what are we" talk in the beginning of our relationship (as most women usually do), I'm the one who had to initiate the "I love you's," and the one who had to initiate the idea of us moving in together and then of course, I had to initiate the conversation about marriage and our futures. I guess, I just feel like it's his turn to step up, and do some initiating of his own.

[dragon_fly_7]

OP, listen to acrosstheuniverse. That poster said all that's needed to be said. If he had to even be convinced into moving in with you, then can you imagine if he were to propose and people ask you how it happened?

 

Why should it take the woman to bring up the subject a bunch of times to get a man to propose? That's like she were proposing to herself...basically begging for love. If you have to remind him, is that even someone you want to even marry??

 

I'm 28 and have come to an age where once in a while I think about kids but honestly I'd rather walk away and find someone like-minded than pressue a man into marrying me and going along with it knowing that it was only my idea. I would break up to be honest. A man that wants to propose would even bring up the subject himself and it shouldn't be something you have to give ultimatums nor be pulling hairs.

 

Also, in your last update you mentioned you had to initiate every single conversation regarding relationship and commitment. That tells me the relationship would no where if it were for him. If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't feel comfortable having to initiate everything. It shouldn't be a ''most women usually do''. It should be something mutual, where both look forward to it.

Edited November 7, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[kitkatz29]

I have to ask... if, after all of this, he finally DOES propose... would you even want to marry a guy you had to badger and argue into proposing? Would you want to start a marriage off with the knowledge that he agreed to it because you badgered him into it?

 

I cringed when I saw that you'd signed HIM up for an engagement ring competition, in full knowledge that he'd start getting adverts for engagement rings. The poor guy can't actually propose on his own terms now, doing the asking, because you're pressuring and pushing so much, no matter what he does now he loses. If he does propose soon, then it's emasculating that he's had to be talked into it, knowing that if he doesn't so it 'soon' you're walking. If he doesn't propose soon, you walk. There is no room in this situation now for him to take control and ask you to be his wife.

 

I get you want to have kids but I echo the suggestion of another poster to set a date in your head, if you're not engaged by March, then you move on to find someone else. But once you've set this date, do NOT talk about marriage or getting engaged with him again. Stop mentioning it. Stop hassling him about it, telling him other people's engagements make you sad because you want that, signing him up to jewellers companies marketing, and so on. It comes across even to me, based on what you say, that you're more interested in getting married and having kids than you are in getting married and having kids WITH HIM... I'm sure that's not actually true, but if it comes across that way online when you're being as open and honest as possible, do you think he has picked up on that?

 

He almost left the relationship at three months, and at a year in he needed 'convincing' to move in with you. What about any of that suggests this man is ready or willing to marry? You seem to want very different things. You want the marriage, commitment, kids etc. and he wants to take things at a pace that wouldn't work for you, due to your age.

 

The problem is, you moved in with him, despite having to convince him to do so, without ever discussing marriage or what your future together would look like, without making sure you were on the same page. And now you're trying to want the same things at the same time when you just don't. As much as he says 'I want to marry you', unless that comes with a 'will you marry me?' and some kind of engagement ring (if that's what floats your boat), it means nothing. Dude is probably feeling the pressure, I know I would be and I'm a woman. If he wants to marry you, he'll marry you... but you've not left him a huge amount of wiggle room here. Even if he does it's impossible to know whether it's for the right reasons after all of this pressure!

 

OP, listen to acrosstheuniverse. That poster said all that's needed to be said. If he had to even be convinced into moving in with you, then can you imagine if he were to propose and people ask you how it happened?

 

Why should it take the woman to bring up the subject a bunch of times to get a man to propose? That's like she were proposing to herself...basically begging for love. If you have to remind him, is that even someone you want to even marry??

 

I'm 28 and have come to an age where once in a while I think about kids but honestly I'd rather walk away and find someone like-minded than pressue a man into marrying me and going along with it knowing that it was only my idea. I would break up to be honest. A man that wants to propose would even bring up the subject himself and it shouldn't be something you have to give ultimatums nor be pulling hairs.

 

Also, in your last update you mentioned you had to initiate every single conversation regarding relationship and commitment. That tells me the relationship would no where if it were for him. If I were in a relationship, I wouldn't feel comfortable having to initiate everything. It shouldn't be a ''most women usually do''. It should be something mutual, where both look forward to it.

 

The "as most women do" was in reference to having the "what are we" conversation when we first started dating and only that. It's almost always the girl that tries to define things first. I wasn't implying that most girls usually initiate every type of serious conversation or whatnot. Please don't twist my words around or read more into it than there is.

 

As I mentioned to the acrosstheuniverse, I've only brought up the conversation about marriage THREE times over the course of 8 months. How does that equal "a bunch" or constitute begging?? You're entitled to your opinion, but i feel like you're making assumptions based on your misinterpretation of what I wrote.

 

When did having an honest conversation become pressuring someone?? I have never begged nor asked him to propose. I have simply asked that he not string me along, and that he doesn't make me wait too long if he wants to marry me like he says he does. And if he doesn't want to marry me, to let me know.

 

I believe it's important to have communication in a relationship. I was in a 5 yr relationship in my earlier 20's and I was too scared to speak up for fear of rocking the boat. As a result, I enabled certain behavior and was advantage of. I was young, and inexperienced. I swore to myself that I would always be honest about my feelings and honestly if a guy can't handle me asking him if he sees a future with me or me telling him how I'm feeling, than I don't want to be with him. So I refuse to allow anyone to try and imply that I am pressuring someone into marrying me just because I have had 3 conversations with about our future.

 

Yes I have initiated certain steps in our relationship. Who cares. He wouldn't have done anything he didn't want to do. I didn't force him to move in with me. I said he "took a little convincing" meaning he had concerns since this was new territory for him. Totally understandable. We discussed his concerns, and I tried to ease them them as best I could and then I gave him the space to decide for himself. I never brought it up again. Before I knew he was making a list of places he wanted to go look at. All I was saying before was that I've stepped out of my comfort zone my share of times in order to move forward with our relationship and now the ball is in his court.

 

I've laid everything out, at this point he knows how I feel. I'm not going to walk away without giving him a chance to step up and make move. If he drags his feet beyond the deadline I have set for myself than it will be time for me to do what I need to do.

 

I'm sorry if Im coming off a little bitchy, it's just a bit frustrating to be accused of pressuring someone or badgering someone into marrying me when that is so not the case. I am happy I had these conversations with him, and don't regret any of them regardless of how things turn out.

[basil67]

Sweetie, if you've had to initiate everything else so far....then this is a clue that he's not an initiating type of person. Same with my guy. I'm the initiator of stuff.

 

Will that proposal from him really be so special when you've already been discussing your expectations? While you may not have been 'pressuring' him per se, you've certainly made your needs clear. And no proposal can ever be a delightful surprise after that.

[MJJean]

 

As I mentioned to the acrosstheuniverse, I've only brought up the conversation about marriage THREE times over the course of 8 months.

 

This is one of those conversations I believe only needs to happen ONCE. If I have that conversation and nothing changes within 3-6 months, I got my answer and it's time to move on.

[dragon_fly_7]

It's almost always the girl that tries to define things first.

I guess (I didn't throw the first ''I love you'' to my then bf) but it would be good to be with someone like-minded that you don't feel you have to initiate things all the time. Does he reciprocate?

 

I've laid everything out, at this point he knows how I feel. I'm not going to walk away without giving him a chance to step up and make move. If he drags his feet beyond the deadline I have set for myself than it will be time for me to do what I need to do.

What some of us are trying to say is that it really doesn't take reminding a guy 3 times for him to understand your needs and life goals. It kind of takes away the romantic moment of the guy surprising you on his own by proposing. When and if he proposes it's going to be something that's been already brought up by you 3 times and you having to lay out a deadline.

 

Personally, I would like to be with a man that I didn't have to be worrying about drawing a deadline nor feeling I have to bring up the topic more than once. You do seemed worried or else you wouldn't be posting and it's really concerning when a woman has to go to several measurements for the relationship to move forward.

 

I also wouldn't do cohabitation without an engagement; never done it. I always believe that moving in together isn't one step away from marriage. One step away from marriage is the proposal along with the time and place set for the wedding and invitations passed out. You might not agree with me and that's ok but I think your mistake was moving in with him when even that required a bit of convincing, hence you weren't on the same page as him from the start.

Edited November 7, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[Popsicle]

I felt this way even in my early twenties. I was just so in love with my boyfriend at the time I wanted us to be married. I had anxiety too wondering "Is he going to propose to me today"? My hopes were way up there. He did end up proposing and we got married in our early twenties, but I don't know exactly what it was that made him do it. I think it had something to do with his own internal timing (probably something practical) and nothing to do with me or how I felt.

Edited November 7, 2015 by Popsicle

[devilish innocent]

I'm not against the idea of women proposing, if it's something they are comfortable doing and feel is right for their relationship. I think it's great that you did!

 

For me personally though, I just don't think it's the right route... I know it's silly, but I've always dreamed of being proposed to by the man I was going to marry. So I know that if I did the proposing, I would regret missing out on that experience. In addition, I feel like I have had to do a lot of initiating. I'm the one who had to initiate the "what are we" talk in the beginning of our relationship (as most women usually do), I'm the one who had to initiate the "I love you's," and the one who had to initiate the idea of us moving in together and then of course, I had to initiate the conversation about marriage and our futures. I guess, I just feel like it's his turn to step up, and do some initiating of his own.

 

It's up to you to if the lack of a proposal is a deal-breaker for you or not. If these are the reasons why it would be, you might want to reconsider. It would be one thing if you didn't think he wanted to marry you. That doesn't seem like the issue though. It sounds like you just want to have that moment where he is the one to ask the question. The proposal only lasts for five minutes or so, but the marriage is supposed to last for a lifetime. Is that five minute experience important enough that you would give up a lifetime with him because of it?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Some of these posts are a little disappointing to me. I guess I've always felt if you have something special with someone you both just know it. I guess I feel you shouldn't need a ceremony or a piece of paper from the state as proof of your love for one another. If you had a loving happily ever after relationship, raised a beautiful family together but never got married, would you feel unfulfilled because you never walked the aisle?

 

If getting married is a must, and a deal breaker OP, I can respect that is your decision. I understand ones personal beliefs can also come in to play here as well. If you truly love him and can not only see yourself with him for the rest of your life, there is nothing you want more in life then to just be with him. Then focus on that thought alone, and wait it out. If he feels the same and he knows how important being married is to you, he will eventually walk that aisle for you. It would also be wise to not compare others relationships to your own, and keep in mind Facebook is all sunshine and lollipops and rarely displays a true picture of ones relationship.

 

It took me a long time, WAY longer then you have waited, to pop the question. Was our relationship somehow more meaningful to us after we got married? Nope. But we get a better tax return so that's cool! A ceremony wasn't ever important to us at the time. Now at 32 and with two kids 5&6, we are both discussing having a small group of friends and family and a very unconventional ceremony sometime in a few years for our kids to see and remember. Will a ceremony change how we feel about each other? Not at all.

 

Hang in there and focus your thoughts and energy on your love and your relationship when you feel bummed it hasn't happened yet. Let him know in ways that don't put pressure on him, just how important it is to you. Don't give ultimatums on marriage. That's a major red flag to me. I would take it that the idea of being married is more important to you then the relationship itself. That a ring and a walk down the aisle is all that I have to offer. No thanks, I'd walk at that point.

[dragon_fly_7]

Some of these posts are a little disappointing to me. I guess I've always felt if you have something special with someone you both just know it. I guess I feel you shouldn't need a ceremony or a piece of paper from the state as proof of your love for one another. If you had a loving happily ever after relationship, raised a beautiful family together but never got married, would you feel unfulfilled because you never walked the aisle?

As an atheist who would be fine with just going to a courthouse to get married and have a very limited number of people invited (mainly only involving my family and those close to me) and probably go as far as not care too much about the ring but the fact that he wants to get married and start a family, I think if you have stated your life goals and the person is in another page, the logical thing to do is find a like-minded individual who wants the same.

 

If someone is only getting married because they see how important it is for the other person than they're getting married for the wrong reasons. It shouldn't be done just because the other person finds it important. It should be something mutual, that both of them want and both find it important.