Attentiveness

[toma1]

Ok it feels like I have been using this site an awful lot, and I am getting some good tips. An issue that seems to pop its head up every once and awhile is that of my perception of attentiveness, or lack thereof on my wifes behalf.

 

Again a little back story, she was married to a physical/emotional abuser and controller. She never felt safe with him and she says she never want to show any affection or attention.

 

Along I come and things change for her, she feels more free and more beautiful, and loved. I do believe largely in part because I’m absolutely crazy about her and I’m SUPER attentive. Cards, flowers, little gifts, massages, hugs, touches, sweet texts, flirty texts.

 

Anyway when the relationship started she was much more attentive, she would text me random sweet things, and she would get me cards or cookies and little things here and there, and very often she would be the one to start off those flirty texts and carry it on for quite some time. I will say she was never a crazy touchy feely kind of person, we would sit on the couch with her legs over mine and we would kind of cuddle, and that was her extent. Every once and a while we would hold hands, or she would scratch or rub my arm.

 

Now I will say 95% of it has stopped, the flirty texts are met with an lol and dropped like a bad habit, she gets annoyed with texts she use to love and hardly ever initiates a text like she use to . So in my head I automatically think something is wrong and I end up saying something and she gets upset. Saying why isn’t cuddling on the couch enough, or you are too needy, that was my biggest fear with you.

 

She runs a daycare out of the house and she uses that as an excuse, that she does that till 5, she cooks, trys to give the kids some attention, usually fighting with one of them, and by the time we get to sit down at 8:30 9 she has nothing left to give to me, so why isn’t sitting with each other enough. And I do love it, but there are times where you just want to know you are appreciated to, like hold my hand, brush my arm in a passing moment, send me one of those flirty texts to let me know you still have something going on!! I know that part of my fears are exactly that fears. Fears that my ex wife instilled in my head while she was cheating on me and wanted nothing to do with me.

 

I feel that she has opened up so much on one hand and feels “safe” with me, but on the other hand I still miss being loved up on by my wife.

 

I mean I work just as many hours, yes with adults (sometimes that could be debated) and I have hundreds of questions, asked of me a day, I get home, I may not cook dinner but I always clean the dishes etc. I drive the girls around, I run a lot of the errands, I’m tired too by 8:30 -9, but I would never not give her my best even when I’m tired.

 

No its not the point of her not being as attentive as I am, its when she says, I just don’t have energy for you by the time we sit down. I get it, and I don’t need 24/7 back rubs, back scratching etc. but I absolutely melt when she grabs my hand and holds it, or when she rubs my arm, why is that so bad. But that is to much.

 

Is it me and my damage from the ex and trying too hard to make this something or do I have something here?

 

For my part I have been in contact with a counselor and will hopefully be seeing her soon. I would LOVE to go to marriage counseling, to just work through our issues, but I cannot imagine what her perception would be. As she totally blew up at me about the way I feel about her lack of attentiveness.

[StBreton]

I'm a little confused...are you two married?

 

Is it "your" damage from the ex or "her" damage?

[Lion Heart]

Toma

 

Can you ask her if there's anything that may help her feel more relaxed? That you place this M on the high end of your "Very Important List" and is Number 1 on that list (if you feel that way).

 

Can you plan a date night / nights just the two of you? But give her all day to get ready, let her know a week or more in advance. I know it's alot with kids. But something has to change for you (and her).

 

I found downloading the Gottman "house" a really helpful tool for talking around. Then it's not YOU "complaining" but talking around positives. There are some features notable there; like stone walling. When your partner basically puts up a stone wall to your attempts. This is what my WH did for YEARS.

 

Even with nothing to hide now (I think!) He's still a rather considerably less, SIGNIFICANTLY less affectionate individual than me. I gave him a lot of space in the M for a long time. It was what he asked for but later complained about that too. As he said tonight before he was on medication his "synapses were not connecting".

 

I guess it could feel like smothering to them. IDK.

 

Whatever it is, I'd definitely persist in whatever ways you feel she'd be most responsive.

 

People on LS talk alot about the 5 Languages of Love. I need to look into this too. My needs are certainly not being met. I feel my H aren't either.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

[toma1]

I'm a little confused...are you two married?

 

Is it "your" damage from the ex or "her" damage?

 

Yes we are married, and actually we both have "damage" from our previous marriages. My ex cheated multiple times, her ex was an abuser and controller. So I tend to put a a lot of whether its affection or attentiveness into this, whereas she is not so hands on and is not always as forthcoming.

 

She will admit to not being this way and says she needs to try better, and needs to be a better wife but then when we get in these little arguments and I bring up that she admits it, she says she says it because she feels pressured.

 

I do think she feels bad, she certainly does have her moments, DEF. when the kids are not around. Again, I think what bothers me more is when she says I don't have the energy to give to you at the end of the day. I don't think she realizes the impact that has.

[understand50]

toma1,

 

I hate to say it, life is hard, and on some days, maybe most days you just do not have anything left to give. I would not worry too much about her not being attentive as you. I would go for a defined and set date night, where it is understood that both of you are out for fun and NOTHING ELSE. No heavy discussions, just fun with you wife. Does not have to be costly, as a walk in the park will do as well as dinner. May I suggest a site that may help you? I have taken things from it myself and have found it helpful.

 

The Art of Manliness

 

There are some date ideas. The site is "Man" concentric, but I do believe it has much for everyone. I think I sent the link to a girl here that was wondering how she should be treated on a date. Look the reality is that living together is hard in many respects, and marriage takes work. If her job is the issue, not leaving her time for the relationship, try and work around it, or try and see if she came move to another job. This will take time, so make a plan. Point is, if you do not like your life RIGHT now, take action to move it to what you want. Talk to your wife, make it positive. Always keep it positive. Allow her the right to help make the plan for both of you. Do not complain, but ask what can be done to allow you and her the FUN part of marriage. My wife once gave me a coupon for 30 day of continues sex. Not everyday was the best sex, but I really liked that she was willing to bed me each day for a month. After that we took a week off. Things like that are "free" and fun. I would also set aside a time each month to have your heavy talks, but again I would keep it positive and follow some rules to keep it fair and productive. Let me know and I can talk further, or you can see about on the link I sent.

 

I wish you and yours luck.

[toma1]

See this is why I like this site, great advice! Obviously I internalize it. When I start feeling doubt I do forget about the positives, which there are plenty of!!

 

We do have date nights, quite often actually. We normally try to keep them fun. Its usually to the point we don't want to go home because we are just going to go to sleep and miss out on more time together.

 

In the end I know she loves me and she has her own internal struggles, that as a person I embraced. I will look at these ideas and go forward.