momof6 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Hello, Been married for 27 years & dated 7 years before marriage. So we've been together 34 years. We have 6 kids together ages 8- 26 years. Things weren't too bad til around year # 12. I was expecting baby #5 and I think he was all of a sudden overwhelmed with being financially resonsible for such a big family. His attitude changed in general & Def. Changed toward me. He was never a person who communicated well but at this point communication pretty well ceased. He was always bringing up financial stuff and questioning me about spending . Checking his bank book & questioning me about cheques written & withdrawals made. It started to bug the crap outta me and I told him so. His attitude was too bad, I am the provider and have to know where the money is going & making sure it's not being wasted!!! He was constantly making snide remarks to me and about me. Verbal & emotional abuse I suppose. I put up with it for years often retaliating but I finally figured out there's no winning with him. There's no talking or discussing things with him. He is never wrong , never at fault & his ego soars. So after our middle child was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety disorder, I just started to ignore all the comments the best I could. I stopped sharing a bed with him & now don't sleep in the same room. He made me feel so low about myself, I started therapy. I now have my self esteem restored and continue to live under the same roof, because I am not financially independent. And for the kids. But if I won the lottery I wouldn't be long leaving. I would want my youngest girls with me and I guess the older ones could decide on their own. What happens to a couple after so many years that they grow to dislike one another so much ??? When I married I was so in love and thought it would always be that way. Boy was I wrong !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 What has your therapist said about either staying in or ending your marriage? What steps are you taking toward financial independence? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 People change.... It's hard to make something work for a life time. Was kid #6 discussed and purposely had? Just asking S's it sounds like his bitterness upped after the last kid. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Do you work now? Can you begin working? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Have you tried therapy together, MC? I know what it's like to truly believe that things could never possibly change but you loved eachother once... Sometimes we become so lost, so set in our tragic ways that resentment becomes like a rosary that we finger when the stress builds.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Large families can be overwhelming at times, especially for the sole provider. Was he in agreement with having all the kids? Did you discuss the number of kids before marriage? Did you discuss you not working and being a SAHM? I ask because a male relative of mine has 5 kids and he complains about how much the family costs. His wife works part time now, but there is a lot of resentment from him. It's like he got married before he should have done. Their marriage isn't great..but she can't leave with 5 kids and it would cost him way too much as well. Your husband has a lot of resentment and it might be be because he feels it's all on him. I know looking after and raising 6 kids is very hard work ... so I'm not underestimating that having the entire financial responsibility on one person can be stressful. My relative feels this. He says that he didn't set out to have 5 kids and now feels trapped.... maybe your H feels this way too. Your situation sounds a lot worse as your in seperate rooms....it seems like you dislike him and don't want to fix it. It's not a healthy thing for the kids to see. Have you thought about trying to become financially independent. It will take time if you've not worked for all these years though. Is your H a good dad? Does he spend time with the kids ? Do you talk to each other about anything other than the kids and household stuff? Do you put on a front for friends and family? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Myragal Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 It's water under the bridge but why did you have a 6th child years after things had deteriorated? No good solution here if your youngest is 8 years old. Your youngest is in school and I would think the only one dependent on you for immediate needs. Be best to prepare a foundation for independence. Approach a woman's group, social services, etc. and explain your situation. Try and get their assistance to help you obtain some training towards some type of practical skills such as in health care., etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Hello, Been married for 27 years & dated 7 years before marriage. So we've been together 34 years. We have 6 kids together ages 8- 26 years. Things weren't too bad til around year # 12. I was expecting baby #5 and I think he was all of a sudden overwhelmed with being financially resonsible for such a big family! Was it a joint and planned decision to have 6 children? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Out of curiosity, you posted almost the exact same thread a year ago... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/503063-married-26-years-very-unhappy A lot of good advice was given then - and similar advice is being given now. Do you see your empowered in anyway to change your situation? You never reported back after your anniversary dinner of a year ago... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
futureglory263 Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 i'm sorry to hear about the difficulties in your marriage. it sounds like there are a lot of deep-rooted issues that stem from multiple sources over the course of years that need addressing. There's endless reasons of course, that couples grow to dislike each other. But it usually starts slowly and subtly, that you don't even notice. Small arguments and resementment that you feel- if it is not addressed and forgiveness offered- grow bigger, the negativity feels stronger until you feel hopeless in your marriage. Pretty much every couple goes through an emotional "high" of being in love early on in their marriage. Unfortunately, it goes away after several years, at the most, and learning to love each other becomes a lot more "work." This happens virtually to everyone, and is not necessarily a sign of a bad marriage. Have you talked to him about your concerns? You have gone through therapy for your own issues, do you feel like it may work with your marriage also? Counseling- as a couple, or family (if you feel that there are issues with your children that also need to be addressed) offers a perspective that is from the outside and can help tremenedously. Please consider these actions to help you in your marriage, for your children, and for your own self as well..it generally becomes harder the further along you go without these issues being addressed. As a previous poster has mentioned, you have had the same issues a year ago- I don't wish for you to look back a year from now and wished you had done something now. Now is the time to seriously consider getting help for your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author momof6 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Can somebody please explain to me why a males "love language" has to be sex????? I mean come on. There are other ways for a man to be "loving" toward a woman. Hand holding, wrapping his arm around her while walking, a quick kiss on the cheek, cuddling on the couch etc. Etc. Why is it always about the act of sex??? I'm sorry but I am just so tired of hearing this. Come on men,you're women need more than sex!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Momof6, you are pigeon-holing all men. And it simply is not the case. You need to read The Five Languages of Love and see there are probably other ways your husband expresses his affection that you are just not seeing. Also, why have you not addressed my question up-thread about your same post a year ago? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Momof6, you are pigeon-holing all men. And it simply is not the case. You need to read The Five Languages of Love and see there are probably other ways your husband expresses his affection that you are just not seeing. Also, why have you not addressed my question up-thread about your same post a year ago? Can somebody please explain to me why a males "love language" has to be sex????? I mean come on. There are other ways for a man to be "loving" toward a woman. Hand holding, wrapping his arm around her while walking, a quick kiss on the cheek, cuddling on the couch etc. Etc. Why is it always about the act of sex??? I'm sorry but I am just so tired of hearing this. Come on men,you're women need more than sex!!!!!! momof6, First of all, I would like to ask you "What are you doing by your actions to change this?" You can not change him, but you can change the environment so that he can change. Looks like of the two you are the strong one, can you put together a plan, to work on this. As CarrieT, has stated, you came here a year ago and had about he same post. Nothing as changed. Can you see and commit to trying this year? Look, I know it is hard, I know "us" men can be a pain in the "a$$". I also know "us" men have the same thoughts about you women. It is all equal. If you want more expressions of love, other then sex, what are you doing for him? Sometimes, you have to take the lead. Everything is marriage is a two way street, and you always need to make sure you are doing your part. Try and understand, even if it is wrong, his point of view. You can then decide to try and change his mind set by changing your actions, or you can see he may have a point and work to help. I do not know who is right here, but after such a long marriage and so many kids, I would hate to see your family broken up. You are unhappy, so what can YOU do to get happy, or at least enjoy some part of life. In the end you may decide to walk away. I warn you that it will not be a easy or un-painful as you think. I wish you and yours luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Can somebody please explain to me why a males "love language" has to be sex????? I mean come on. There are other ways for a man to be "loving" toward a woman. Hand holding, wrapping his arm around her while walking, a quick kiss on the cheek, cuddling on the couch etc. Etc. Why is it always about the act of sex??? I'm sorry but I am just so tired of hearing this. Come on men,you're women need more than sex!!!!!! Interesting you say this because my wife and I were talking about intimacy and foreplay one night and her definition of foreplay was exactly what you just described. Once I came this realization I quickly realized I can get all the sex I want by changing how I looked at intimacy/foreplay with her. It's one of life's secrets that some men figure out and others don't. And now....ready for it....she initiates more than she has in the past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Can somebody please explain to me why a males "love language" has to be sex????? I mean come on. There are other ways for a man to be "loving" toward a woman. Hand holding, wrapping his arm around her while walking, a quick kiss on the cheek, cuddling on the couch etc. Etc. Why is it always about the act of sex??? I'm sorry but I am just so tired of hearing this. Come on men,you're women need more than sex!!!!!! My love language is Sex (well. the book calls it "physical touch" and talks about "hugging, cuddling and holding hands" a lot.) My secondary one is "words of affirmation." My husband's love language is quality time, with a distant second in "acts of service." So in my relationship he loves to spend large blocks of time with me and do things like laundry. Pfffft. I don't get it. I don't get it at all. I really thought all guys were totally sex/love motivated. I'm always like "let's get down." He's not. It's very frustrating. Sounds like you are motivated by physical touch and your husband is an intercourse kind of guy. The whole point of the book was to get each partner speaking each other's love language. Guessing by the amount of kids you have, you clearly put out. Sounds like he needs to learn how to give back rubs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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