need to stop caring about BIL's stupidity

[d0nnivain]

DH's Mom just had a notable birthday this week.

 

Almost 2 years ago, when thinking about what to do for her for this milestone, we decided to fly her to our house for Thanksgiving. The surprise / present would be that our expense we would also fly in DH's siblings & their SOs. MIL hasn't had Thanksgiving with all her kids in 20+ years because they all live so far away & none really have money for travel.

 

We communicated this plan to them in person in February 2014 & asked them to clear their calendars. All seemed to be on track. BIL's GF would talk to me periodically & tell me how excited she was to come up.

 

In August I reached out to them to get them on the phone in front of a computer so we could all look at the flights & we could pick flights that worked best for them. Both of DH's siblings planned to come up earlier & stay later to turn this into a vacation & explore NYC. That was fine with us as long as they were at our house for Thanksgiving & on Saturday for the mom's surprise party.

 

At that point DH's brother informed us that he could not come because he had to work. He'd had 18 months to organize his schedule for this. Meanwhile because DH's siblings were going to be here, other extended family / cousin's etc. decided to return home so that on Friday all the cousins could get together for the 1st time in about 20 years. This should have been a great celebration. But no, BIL isn't coming.

 

Yes work is important but he doesn't have a demanding job. He actually has a few jobs. He works as a bartender for 3 different bars tending bar 1 day per week. He also works part time as an assistant prep cook for a national chain.

 

I know DH's mother. Even though she lives near the BIL (up until a few months ago when he moved in with his GF he had been sponging off her since he got out of jail.) When she gets here & sees everybody else, all she's going to do is cry for the son who isn't here. That's what she did at our wedding when BIL couldn't make it because he'd been arrested.

 

I was finally getting through my anger & disappointment but at BIL's failure to consider his mother. But now I find out that the real reason he can't (or won't) come here for Thanksgiving is that he & his GF decided to go on vacation in December.

 

I'm livid. They pay less then market value for their apartment though some deal the GF got. Her parents buy them groceries. MIL buys them groceries & paid to fly BILs children to see him from where they live with their mother over the summer. He still hasn't paid her back. He never gave her money during the 5 years he lived with her. Yet every weekend he spends hundreds of dollars going out partying.

 

How the <bleep> can they afford to go on this vacation & given the choice why wouldn't they come here since we're picking up the airfare, the lodging & by default the food & drink? What are these stupid people thinking? Ugh, yes, I know clearly they are not.

 

I'm disgusted.

 

I know I can't change him. How to I stop being annoyed? How do I get past this & not care ? I want to strangle him!

 

DH just shrugs & says that's how my brother is.

Edited November 6, 2015 by d0nnivain

[StBreton]

D0 I know how frustrating family can be sometimes ... and for all your pre planning to have it fall apart with the bil is maddening ... Ugh!

 

Your dear H knows how his bro is and just takes it on the chin ... I'd just follow suit. Maybe you can set up a web cam so bil can "participate" in part of the celebration ... Then his absence won't be felt as much. FaceTime is great too.

 

Maybe do a party game or two that they can participate in? Karaoke?

[d0nnivain]

Thank you for your kind suggestions to include them. I'm not lifting a finger to do jack for them. If the sister wants to do any of that fine but I refuse to do anything.

 

All I want is advice from LS on how I can let go of my anger.

 

I could give a flying F about what he wants at this point.

[StBreton]

Thank you for your kind suggestions to include them. I'm not lifting a finger to do jack for them. If the sister wants to do any of that fine but I refuse to do anything.

 

All I want is advice from LS on how I can let go of my anger.

 

I could give a flying F about what he wants at this point.

 

Got any pumpkins leftover from Halloween? Throw on driveway

 

Seems to work for teenage angst lol

 

Drink 3 glasses of white wine and google all lists of swear words ... Print out pic of bil ... Use words liberally

[d0nnivain]

Now those are suggestions I can get behind! Thanks for the chuckle.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think the thing is, you can't change people. You can't make them care. Just because you care and do everything in your power to maintain relationships, or do something nice for someone, doesn't mean that the other person will hold up their side of the bargain. Even when they only need to put in 5% to your 95%.

 

After enough of these letdowns I'd stop bothering to try include them and accept that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Your BIL sounds selfish, it sucks you have to see your MIL hurt because of his absence but it's really out of your control. Maybe it'll help the anger to remind yourself that yes, he's a selfish POS, but that's simply who he is, and you'll never again in future expect him to be anything but, or plan anything that necessitates him not acting like a massive tool.

 

"How the <bleep> can they afford to go on this vacation & given the choice why wouldn't they come here since we're picking up the airfare, the lodging & by default the food & drink? What are these stupid people thinking? Ugh, yes, I know clearly they are not."

 

Because they don't care. If they cared they'd attend the party. Not only do they not care to be there for your MIL, they obviously don't care to live up to their end of the bargain with you either when you've put so much into this lovely treat for her. If they had any integrity they'd be there or have told you months ago they could no longer make it for whatever reason. At this stage from what you've said, it's like petting a tiger and acting shocked when it lunges for you. Or sticking a fork in a socket then complaining you got a shock.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you would be perfectly justified in telling him exactly what you think of him.

I mean, seriously.

List everything you've done to get this organised; the planning, the more-than-amply-adequate notice, the excitement the discussions with the GF and now he gives a total flying fork-adoodle-doo about his mother.

Tell him.

For goodness' sake, I would, honestly and be damned what anyone else thinks.

The time for graceful tact and simmering silence is long past.

The guy's a sleazeball, and he's ruined everything, if you already know how disappointed his mother is going to be....

 

Really, I'd let go both barrels, and all guns blazing I'd tell him exactly what I think.

You know already, looking at varying, different and manyfold experiences you've already had, it will blow over.

But I think sure as eggs is eggs, if you quietly seethe, say nothing and try to find alternative ways to deal with the anger, this will just hiss, pressure-cooker style, until YOU blow a valve or burst a blood vessel.

 

Phukket.

Tell him.

[Tayla]

short and sweet, this is a case of maintain your values and lower your expectations of this family kin.

 

When your MIL ask though, be upfront and matter of factly say, he was invited, he declined, he chose to vacation. All true.

[lookin ahead]

maybe there is another side to this, maybe his relationship with his mother isn't the one you assume to be and your forcing it too much to perfection. He can do whatever he wants, i do not agree with some of the comments that says to tell your MIL anything and to tell him personally don't do this unless you want family drama and a feud. It isn't your place to tell your MIL he went on vacation thats like opening a can of worms honestly i wouldn't mess with that. I would just play a different card and say " I'm not sure why he couldn't make it, maybe you should ask him" ONLY if she asks.

 

I wouldn't say anything to him either, i would leave it alone, it is not your place its your husbands issue to deal with his brother, i would leave it alone.

 

I say, just be content that everyone else will be there. Like another said, he is who he is you can't force a horse to drink even if you lead him to the water.

 

Don't hold it against him, people are who they are we can't change them no matter how wrong they may be sometimes.

 

Why are you mad, who cares, he isn't showing up at least you did your part in trying to plan it this part is done at least you have the rest of the 99% of the family there.

 

as for been angry, just breathe and let it go people are who they are, just enjoy the event and don't let one person get to you.

[Tayla]

As the hostess, it sure can be her place! She is family. Sister in law qualifies.

Suddenly adults aren't allowed to speak their minds because of an imaginary pecking order? Donnivain is a well regarded person here and more rational then most when it comes to advising or responding. She spoke of this before and held out hope for this occassion. It is a blow to the family gathering, lets not dismiss her side. And yes its absolutely okay to tell the truth in a matter of fact way when the guest of honor inquires why her one son isn't present. This passing the buck style of response is unnessary. Why should she defend the gent who created this dilema? The more I think about it, The more I do hope she talks to the brother in law... he needs to know how his declining is effecting the guest of honors expectations.

[lookin ahead]

As the hostess, it sure can be her place! She is family. Sister in law qualifies.

Suddenly adults aren't allowed to speak their minds because of an imaginary pecking order? Donnivain is a well regarded person here and more rational then most when it comes to advising or responding. She spoke of this before and held out hope for this occassion. It is a blow to the family gathering, lets not dismiss her side. And yes its absolutely okay to tell the truth in a matter of fact way when the guest of honor inquires why her one son isn't present. This passing the buck style of response is unnessary. Why should she defend the gent who created this dilema? The more I think about it, The more I do hope she talks to the brother in law... he needs to know how his declining is effecting the guest of honors expectations.

 

He doesn't care so why turn it into an argument with someone who obviously does not care? Let along telling on him on his mom (a grown man) why he isn't showing up, he should tell her himself.

[d0nnivain]

My MIL told me BIL was going on the vacation. I didn't tell her. She doesn't know he was invited for the Thanksgiving. All she knows at this point is that she was invited. Having DH's siblings here was our present to MIL.

 

 

I do get to be angry because 2 years ago DH & I told BIL & his GF that our birthday present to the mom was to fly all her kids to our house for Thanksgiving if it was convenient for them. BIL was the most enthusiastic about the idea. At that point if somebody didn't want to do this, it would have been fine. BIL & especially his GF were enthusiastically discussing this trip for over a year then backed out without warning or explanation.

 

 

The idea to bring DH's siblings here actually grew out of a conversation I'd had with BIL earlier in 2013. He wanted to throw MIL a party in Florida where they live. Since he had no money I took that to mean he wanted DH & I to throw this party. It couldn't be at MIL's apartment -- the one bedroom she shared with BIL. BIL had no suggestions for where to have it. I wasn't comfortable having BIL be "the man on the ground" to oversee preparations. He couldn't tell me the names of MIL's friends & he hadn't thought about the fact that having it in Florida meant that MILs siblings could not attend because they don't have the money to travel either. So it became a better option to have it here.

 

 

I'm not going to start a family fight because I recognize that BIL is not my problem. If he was my brother, he would have known better then to pull this crap. He would have moved heaven & earth to be here. DH knows how upset I am. Other family members have already given BIL grief for his decision not to come. I simply will never do anything for BIL again. DH is fine with that.

 

 

I'm just trying to steal myself against the pain I know I will see in MIL's eyes the instant she realizes her eldest son isn't here. That pain will repeat on Thanksgiving at dinner; on Friday at SIL's birthday dinner with all of the cousins and on Saturday at MIL's surprise party. And it's going to rip my heart out.

Edited November 9, 2015 by d0nnivain

[acrosstheuniverse]

I simply will never do anything for BIL again. DH is fine with that.

 

 

I'm just trying to steal myself against the pain I know I will see in MIL's eyes the instant she realizes her eldest son isn't here. That pain will repeat on Thanksgiving at dinner; on Friday at SIL's birthday dinner with all of the cousins and on Saturday at MIL's surprise party. And it's going to rip my heart out.

 

That's your solution right there.

 

When you say that your MIL will be in emotional pain when she realises he isn't there at the surprise party, when she's having Thanksgiving dinner, when she has your SIL's birthday dinner etc. is there a chance she's the type of person to be a little melodramatic? I mean I get being sad he isn't there but come on, the amount of effort others have gone to to be there, I can understand the initial shock being saddening but when you say you think she'll have pain in her eyes for the rest of the events planned, it sounds to me like you worry she may be ungrateful as to the people who DID attend, focusing solely on the one person who didn't bother to go.

[d0nnivain]

MIL is a bit of a melodramatic hypochondriac. Well at least I think so. Her kids are just "that's the way she is."

 

After this I'm just going back to shipping them gifts & not dealing.

[acrosstheuniverse]

MIL is a bit of a melodramatic hypochondriac. Well at least I think so. Her kids are just "that's the way she is."

 

After this I'm just going back to shipping them gifts & not dealing.

 

Sounds like the best option.

 

People really suck. Few things annoy and irritate me more than people enthusiastically agreeing to an event in which others are involved, and then not bothering to follow through for no good reason. I find it extremely disrespectful to commit to something and then sack it off. I have no patience for it, I do not tolerate it. If I agree to an event with someone, it goes in the diary and come hell or high water, nothing short of being seriously unwell will change it. I expect the same in return (I'm chilled obviously about people having to cancel things, that's okay... but last minute is just rude).

[nescafe1982]

I'm sorry Donnivain. I second the poster who says some pumpkin smashing is in order. And hey, I bet you can get them for half-price now.

 

 

My brother and his wife are exactly like your BIL. They blew off my wedding because they wanted to go have a weekend in Florida instead. Getting mad was my first instinct, and I was mad for a while. But as the anger faded... I just let it fade. But I tell you, there were plenty of glasses of wine drunk to blow that steam off!

[d0nnivain]

So we got through the holiday.

 

MIL did exactly what I though she would: harped on the fact that BIL wasn't there. She made all sorts of excuses for him. My two "favorite" were that it was 1). last minute and 2). it was too expensive.

 

BIL knew about this 2 years ago. Heck MIL knew about it in May.

 

DH & I were paying for everything.

 

It's over & I learned a lesson: never again