What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Hector23]

Firstly, just wanna say thanks for all of the great advice on here. Have been a long time lurker and now have my own story to share

 

My girlfriend of 5 years just started law school (as a side note, she has a lot of family problems and an eating disorder as well it will come up later in the story). She is 20 and I am 23 working a full time job, however we do live together and for my job I do spend a few nights on the road. Typically I am not one to get jealous or over attached, but this time a gut feeling had me worried. She made friends with this one guy, let's call him Mike, in her last year of undergrad. Mike is one year older and is doing law school as well, however this year he transferred to a university 2 hours away. They were acquaintances throughout her undergrad but it was strictly professional and she would assure me everything is okay. I would expect them to keep in touch regarding school based activities and projects etc considering he has done this a year before.

 

So September goes by smoothly with no problems, we are still close, doing romantic stuff and life is good! One time Mike asked to sleep over on the couch because he would be in town and had nowhere to stay, but she replied to him that she is uncomfortable with it. I think okay, she did the right thing and I appreciate her respecting me like that. October rolls around I am noticing that the texts (with this guy) are getting more frequent, she leaves the room to answer a text or a phone call and always has her phone on her, as if she is hiding something. This is strange because if it were anybody else, she would answer the phone call in front of me. One time when we were in a checkout line at a grocery store, I realized I forgot to grab something, so as I head off, I glance back to see she has pulled out her phone and is calling someone then texting really fast. I make up an excuse to come back and ask her about something so that maybe I can take a glance at her phone to see whats up. Behold, its Mike. When I ask about him she's hesitant to talk about him. I thought this was strange as she is usually open and honest about most things.

 

A few weeks later her and her classmate, let's call her Sarah, went to the city that mike lives in. This is because Sarah is from the same town as mike and her parents are lawyers, so they thought they'd go back to Sarah's house and study with the help of their parents. One evening my girlfriend tells me she's not feeling well and would like to go to bed early, so we said our good nights and off to bed she went. Or so I thought. I find out later that night that she went out to go see a movie one-on-one with mike. When I asked her about it she got all defensive and angry at me saying she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid of my reaction. She then proceeds to say how I am selfish and only want her to be a stay at home wife. This isn't the case at all, in fact I am very supportive of her school and studies. I realized that the relationship was getting very toxic and suggested a break. Her response was to angrily and in a very upset way to break down and tell me again that I only care about myself, I don't care enough to support her, help with her eating disorder and that I would care if anything happened to her. Somehow, we managed to talk it through and everything was relatively fine (but things were definitely not like before). Maybe it's the stress of school? Maybe it's me? I don't know.

 

Anyways, a few weeks go by and it is late October, one evening she is at the library studying with her friend and she invites mike over to study at the library at her school, but since it's a 2 hour drive, she offers him to stay the night, in a separate room as she says, because she didn't want him driving back late. She did not tell me this but eventually I find out about this and confront her. She gives me the same excuse about my reaction. She keeps insisting I'm the one that's insecure and have self esteem problems and am the crazy one for not letting her have guy friends.We have an open talk and I say that I just want to know why you're doing this and (once again) she agrees to be more open with me.

 

So this weekend they went back to Sarah's house for the weekend to study and she went on a one on one dinner with mike again, she let me know that it was a friends only dinner. I appreciate that she is open enough to tell me. In the evening before she goes out, I wish her a good night and to message me whenever she is home to make sure that she is home safe. She messages me at 6 pm that she is heading out for the dinner. I only get a message that she is back at her friends house at 1 am. A few hours later, I get a message from one of her close friends saying that my gf messaged her and admitted feelings for Mike. I am now stuck at the point where I don't know what to do. She is never like this and I am not sure if this is all because it's just a crush or if it's something more. I love this girl to death and we have been through so much (we grew up in our teens together, she was 15-20 and I was 18-23). I helped her get through her parents' divorce, helped her with her eating disorder and was always there for her emotionally. Since the arguments I've been trying to do small things like get flowers for no reason, or take her to nice dinners and the opera! All the things that she likes. However she just doesn't seem happy with life in general and claims it's mostly because of school. She had a similar thing last year when she was in school, with another guy, who I suspected were getting too close, but it never got this far. During the winter break and summer it's like we fell in love all over again spending almost every single day together. We talked about marriage and kids and basically planned our lives together (as pathetic as that sounds). I just feel like there is something wrong with ME, I feel like for some reason I don't measure up to Mike, even though I know that he wouldn't love her like I love her and do the things that I do. She does not know that I know that she confessed her feelings about Mike to her close friend. I just feel at fault because I wasn't strict enough with the boundaries, and also that she is at fault for letting it get this far.

 

 

I'm really torn, one half of me is saying I don't need this kind of person in my life with the ways she's disrespected me, but the other half is wanting to work it out and be happy, because we have already gone through so much and just so emotionally attached.

 

 

Thanks for reading all of that, it feels a lot better to get it off my chest. I would appreciate any advice that could open my eyes to the bigger picture!

 

Cheers

Edited November 7, 2015 by Hector23

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Break up with her.

 

 

She's not happy being with you anymore. She wants to see what other guys are like. Sorry man, but that's the cold hard truth.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're here, OP.

 

My very blunt take is:

 

She's outgrowing the relationship.

 

She's fallen for Mike.

 

Her behaviour with him is unacceptable.

 

Time for a major talk and tell her if she's doesn't stop, it's over between you.

[qubist]

she could have feelings for him or she could be just confused and wants freedom from a committed relationship. you won't be able to know unless you break up with her. you tolerated her shaky boundaries, now it is time to show her that you can't be option B, as a matter of fact you should even be option A you should the only option.

you are still young, wish for the best but prepare for the worst. tell her you know about her and Mike and you are out. be ready to move on it won't be easy but believe me you can be happy, if she wants to work things out and you are somehow willing to do so it would have to start with her committing again and ending her "friendship" with Mike.

[lolablue17]

I would have left her after the first lie, when she told you she was feeling bad, and eventually went out with him.

 

Then, she lied again and again, with your consent. When you "let it go", you clearly allow lies in your relationship.

 

The things i hate the most is her blaming you for her lies. It's disgusting, it means she is very selfish. I would leave her without a word. Just dissapear and never answer to her calls\texts\mails... Ignore!

 

After a very short time (one minute of being honest with herself), she will realize what's happening. believe me. She will respect you much more if you ignore her instead of confronting her, hearing her lame excuses, and she will probably blame you for everything. Spare yourself from those embarassing moments

[LostOnes05]

Sorry to hear that OP. So she gave you the just friends story, eh? Women get away with this often because as good guys/bfs we don't want to come off as controlling or unsympathetic. She argues with you about it because she knows her true intent and knows that it is disrespectful. I've been in situations where the girl will start arguments over nothing to make it seem as if you are having problems, which gives them an (ir)rational reason to leave the relationship. You did nothing wrong by setting boundaries and you even made several attempts to let her correct her mistakes. Now, you've got to do something that will make her think about who/what she is losing and if it's worth it. Leave her. Let her problems become Mike's problems. Let her see for herself how long it will take Mike to get tired of it and cheat.

 

Something that strikes me as odd though, is why her friend would come and tell you that. It's almost as if she has her friend breaking the news to you, to force your hand in the breakup because she is scared to do it herself. Be wary of them both. Either way, I'd break up with her. She isn't going to be worth the headache long term and a well-adjusted woman wouldn't entertain another man like that or pretend to be so naive (she's going to be a lawyer right?!). Sometimes the best thing to do is give women what they want, so that they can learn first-hand that they don't really want it.

[Snakechammah]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through Hector, you sound like a good man. 5 years in and as a man, you're the faithful one!

 

Why can't all the good girls meet a good guy like you?

 

As for your girlfriend, well, she has outgrown the relationship. The thing is, unless someone has learnt the meaning of gratitude, they will never appreciate what they have. They always yearn for something more.

 

The fact that you've always been there for her through her ups and downs mean nothing to her when a fresh new man come waltzing into her life. She doesn't have the maturity (or the values) to put aside her raging lust for the other guy and think it through.

 

She is young and life is just beginning for her, so she may think it's not time for her to settle down yet.

 

Like all the previous posters suggested, cut her lose - let her have what she desires - Mike - and you find yourself a good woman. To be honest, I feel sorry for Mike too.

[Hector23]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the advice I really appreciate it. I just found out she lied to her friend Sarah and myself saying that she'll be staying with another friend when she's actually spending the night at Mikes. I will be ending it as soon as I can. Any advice on whether to sit her down and explain the situation (that I'm ending it) OR just taking all my stuff from the apartment only leaving the keys (leaving her to get the message herself) and ignore any attempts at contact that she'd make?

Edited November 8, 2015 by Hector23

[lolablue17]

i will be ending it as soon as i can. Any advice on whether to sit her down and explain the situation (that i'm ending it)

no!

or just taking all my stuff from the apartment only leaving the keys (leaving her to get the message herself) and ignore any attempts at contact that she'd make?

yes!

 

If you let her have even 1 minute of your time, she gets the upper hand, she has the chance to humiliate you, to laugh at you, to blame you, and to turn things up side down, so she wouldn't be "the cheater". Why would you give her the opportunity?

Edited November 8, 2015 by lolablue17

[Buddhist]

The bigger picture is this. Every cheater I've ever had in my life was outraged when I questioned their behaviour and then proceeded to blame me for being needy and insecure. The fact is you've seen her behaviour changes, you've caught her red handed and each time she tries to pin the blame on you taking no responsibility for her own actions.

 

Get rid her now because she will definately get rid of you the instant Mike opens the door to her. The only reason she's still with you now is because Mike doesnt want her, not because she wants you. It a harsh reality but beter face it sooner rather than later.

[italianjob]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the advice I really appreciate it. I just found out she lied to her friend Sarah and myself saying that she'll be staying with another friend when she's actually spending the night at Mikes. I will be ending it as soon as I can. Any advice on whether to sit her down and explain the situation (that I'm ending it) OR just taking all my stuff from the apartment only leaving the keys (leaving her to get the message herself) and ignore any attempts at contact that she'd make?

 

The second solution is my favourite, you exit with great dignity, with no fuss and really as the better man.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the advice I really appreciate it. I just found out she lied to her friend Sarah and myself saying that she'll be staying with another friend when she's actually spending the night at Mikes. I will be ending it as soon as I can. Any advice on whether to sit her down and explain the situation (that I'm ending it) OR just taking all my stuff from the apartment only leaving the keys (leaving her to get the message herself) and ignore any attempts at contact that she'd make?[/QUOTE]

 

This option.

 

She isn't giving you any respect at all and she will know exactly why you left. She's on her way out of the relationship anyway, you'll just expedite the process and preserve your self-respect.

[Darren Steez]

Hey guys, thanks a lot for the advice I really appreciate it. I just found out she lied to her friend Sarah and myself saying that she'll be staying with another friend when she's actually spending the night at Mikes. I will be ending it as soon as I can. Any advice on whether to sit her down and explain the situation (that I'm ending it) OR just taking all my stuff from the apartment only leaving the keys (leaving her to get the message herself) and ignore any attempts at contact that she'd make?

 

Do you really need to sit her down and explain why you're leaving her?

 

Dude, stop being such a nice guy. You owe her nothing.

 

Get your stuff, leave the keys and leave a note saying you know about Mike, hope she and him have a nice life then you bounce.

 

No doubt she'll bombard you with nonsense about how you're mistaken but disrespect is disrespect brother. You may never be together but she'll respect you for dumping her ass hard like this because she knows she's done wrong and this is what happens with you disrespect someone who has integrity and respect for themselves.

[m.snow]

One evening my girlfriend tells me she's not feeling well and would like to go to bed early, so we said our good nights and off to bed she went. Or so I thought. I find out later that night that she went out to go see a movie one-on-one with mike. When I asked her about it she got all defensive and angry at me saying she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid of my reaction. She then proceeds to say how I am selfish and only want her to be a stay at home wife.

 

:RED FLAG:

 

not saying you cant have a relationship with her. but definitely not marriage.

 

And stop spending money on her. If your the only one spending money for the house just STOP.

 

If it were me, yeah I could live with that. But GF gets demoted to a F*ck Buddy.

at least she's getting your "emotional" non-financial support and you get your sexual needs met, like a sex worker except free.

Edited November 8, 2015 by m.snow

[lchf]

100% end it bro. This noise isn't worth your time. Not only has she lied to you on a few occasions but tries to turn the situation around on you and make YOU look like the crazy one. For the love of God, drop this like it's hot. You seem way too quick to placate to her situation, when in fact it's important for you to draw the line. You can't have a committed mutual relationship with someone who disrespects you, but alas, you are inviting this behaviour upon yourself. Time to bounce.

Edited November 8, 2015 by lchf

[kgcolonel]

Ride off into the sunset without explanation....she'll get the message. Do not allow any further communication. She played you with the "you don't support me" etc.

 

The best course for you is to focus on you. Move on, no discussions or communication. Just be done.

[StBreton]

Sorry this is happening OP. Seems your gf wants to spread her wings ... She might find out the grass isn't greener with Mike as you seem like a really great guy.

 

Follow Lolablues' advice ... To the T ... And be prepared to go through the grief process ... Go NC ...look for the NC guide on this forum. This way you avoid the gaslighting you got the last time you confronted your gf. Don't go out giving her any power ... If you discuss anything with her that's what you'll give her. Just walk away. Sorry it has to be this way. Keep coming back to the forum if you need support.

[Poutrew]

You remember that old Don Henley song 'The Boys of Summer'? Well, you are literally that boy. The real clue is when you said you both fell in love over again when that first boy, the one you think she didn't get very far with, went away after school was over. She came back to you because she was on break and you were there. Don't be that guy, pining away for the girl, telling her that you will be there for her when her summer flings are all gone. You don't owe her any explanation either. Just go. Move your stuff out while she is out fu*king Mike. Let him massage her needy ass... you need to find a nice girl who is serious about getting and keeping a real man. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Be assured there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent this from happening. She made the choice, probably because they have more in common and share a strong interest in law. Better to have this happen now rather than when you are married. I agree with one of the posters you started your relationship way too young. At 15 to 20 that's a big jump. People go through big changes, like priorities, personality, wants and needs.....it all evolves into other things. At your age, you should be enjoying your adulthood on dating other people, experiences, travel, etc. There is plenty of time down the road to be tied down with the responsibilities of marriage/children.

[m.snow]

All I can see here is that him becoming a fall back guy aka plan b.

 

If her tryst fails to blossom.

 

disconnect/leave, find another woman and enjoy life!