If the dumpee disappears completely from the dumper's life...

[Itspointless]

I want to go into weight-lifting to to build up my confidence and self-esteem. I'm very skinny so I've always wanted to bulk up.

 

I've been reading about attachment styles and I do admit I have codependency issues. Yes that was what she told me. So if you don't think she is a borderline Clustered-B disordered psychopath, what problems does she have?

Hi Armageddon, there is nothing wrong with weightlifting to help you build confidence. I am happy though you write that you read about attachment styles. The way you acted has all to do with (attachment) fear and that is where your primal brain took over, which happens with all of us when we are scared. What does not happen with all of us is the pattern we learned when dealing with danger, you apparently learned to cling. Your conclusion about having codependency issues and being anxious attached has the potential to help you better with that than muscles, that is if you want to find a healthy relationship in the future. Working on such things can be hard, but it is worth it as it also points to why we keep choosing certain partners.

 

It is hard to put labels on her head as we do not know her, but you wrote that her dad is an alcoholic and committed suicide 9 years ago because of her. Her dad being an alcoholic does point to a dysfunctional family of origin. You know codependency is first discovered within families of alcoholics with the partners. Then there is the suicide, a suicide by a parent is the most traumatic thing that can happen to children, especially if they are really young: children conclude that there must be something wrong with them. If you have kids and want to mess them up you need to make sure you kill yourself. Couple that with the fact that her father apparently was blaming her. I haven’t got a clue how her behavior was during your time together, but these facts alone are more than enough for someone developing mayor issues concerning esteem and abandonment. Just as people who are ending up in prostitution often have a background of abuse. It is tempting for people to accuse people of personality disorders, but if anything of her story is true, than she really has a sad background and probably mayor abandonment issues. It could be that there are personality disorders into play, but it is out of line by your friend to just assume that she is a borderline Clustered-B disordered psychopath (especially the psychopath part). You unfortunately were attracted to her because of the fact that you felt you could help her. These things work on an unconscious level. The conclusion that you recognize codependcy issues with yourself is a promising start to work on with a therapist and get to the core of it.

[Armageddon]

Hi Armageddon, there is nothing wrong with weightlifting to help you build confidence. I am happy though you write that you read about attachment styles. The way you acted has all to do with (attachment) fear and that is where your primal brain took over, which happens with all of us when we are scared. What does not happen with all of us is the pattern we learned when dealing with danger, you apparently learned to cling. Your conclusion about having codependency issues and being anxious attached has the potential to help you better with that than muscles, that is if you want to find a healthy relationship in the future. Working on such things can be hard, but it is worth it as it also points to why we keep choosing certain partners.

 

It is hard to put labels on her head as we do not know her, but you wrote that her dad is an alcoholic and committed suicide 9 years ago because of her. Her dad being an alcoholic does point to a dysfunctional family of origin. You know codependency is first discovered within families of alcoholics with the partners. Then there is the suicide, a suicide by a parent is the most traumatic thing that can happen to children, especially if they are really young: children conclude that there must be something wrong with them. If you have kids and want to mess them up you need to make sure you kill yourself. Couple that with the fact that her father apparently was blaming her. I haven’t got a clue how her behavior was during your time together, but these facts alone are more than enough for someone developing mayor issues concerning esteem and abandonment. Just as people who are ending up in prostitution often have a background of abuse. It is tempting for people to accuse people of personality disorders, but if anything of her story is true, than she really has a sad background and probably mayor abandonment issues. It could be that there are personality disorders into play, but it is out of line by your friend to just assume that she is a borderline Clustered-B disordered psychopath (especially the psychopath part). You unfortunately were attracted to her because of the fact that you felt you could help her. These things work on an unconscious level. The conclusion that you recognize codependcy issues with yourself is a promising start to work on with a therapist and get to the core of it.

 

Thanks for shedding light on this. My friend is right, I have far more important issues in my life to deal with than building up muscles.

 

Sounds to me like you had a typical “relationship” with the classic Femme Fatale, a borderline Cluster-B disordered psychopath. Those girls feed on nice guys like you. Forget about building muscle mass and gaining weight for a second, there are much more important issues to solve here. The reason you’re a “beta” (in your eyes) is not because you’re physically skinny and weak, but because you’re mentally weak. You’ve lost your balance (if there was ever any) and let her play with you. Forget about this girl. You’ll need to cultivate the attitude of a champ. You’ll have to develop confidence and self esteem, to the point where you just don’t give a ****. Otherwise you’ll recover (and you will, don’t worry) but get entangled in similar “relationships”. When you value yourself, you’ll never COMMIT to girls like those.

 

As for my attachment issues, I definitely have codependency issues. She was my first girlfriend unfortunately and if she was a normal girl, I could have just walked away without being anxious or even being clingy in our relationship. I'm always very nervous, anxious and clingy because I always have this fear that she would go back to her old life. Thus, I became very paranoid and needy. I gave up everything and did so much for her because I don't want her to go back to prostitution. I just want her to have a normal life. I want the best for her.

 

One incident which haunted me till today was 6 months ago, when I was still her friend. She complained she had a terrible headache in the morning so I went to buy medication for her. After I bought the medication, I went to the brothel at night and I passed the medication to her. I was chatting with her in the room when I saw the pimp bringing two Pakistan men into her room. She was with her friend. I kept praying "Please, please don't choose her. Choose her friend." She even texted me "Can you go out?" because she could sense that one of the customers wanted to take her but he is uncomfortable of my presence. The two Pakistan men were discussing among themselves and they seemed like they were about to leave and I was so relieved, but one of the men nodded to the pimp and took her.

 

At that moment, I felt so much pain and agonized. I watched helplessly as the girl I loved and cared for is about to sleep with another man and there's nothing I can do about it. I will never forget that moment. After that, I texted her "I thought you don't like Indians and Arabs, why did you still go with him?" She replied to me immediately "I have no time to choose...I don't like to work for sex but...", I quickly told her to text me when she is done. She was basically texting me while she was waiting for that customer in the shower.

 

 

It's that moment which triggered me and made me vow to myself that I'd never ever let this woman suffer again and I will do everything I can to save her. In fact, if I were a woman and I can sell my body, I'd do it for her too, as cringey as this sounds. Just like how she did it for her family. That was an extremely traumatic moment for me and I wish I never witnessed that.

 

Very interesting points on her family and I do agree with you that a parent's suicide is the most traumatic thing that can ever happen to a child. I don't know if her father blamed her but she told me that her father died because of her. I don't know exactly what happened. All I know is he committed suicide due to alcohol. When we reunited in Bangkok on the 10th September and while we were having sex, she was indirectly hinting to me that she might go back to her old life and I went berserk. After that, I brought up her father and told her would her father be happy/rest in peace if he knows what she was doing. She flew into a rage and was so upset and angry at me. She told me to stop **** her mind and basically, that was one of the key incident which led to her walking out on me and eventually the break-up.

 

I'm actually highly certain that she is a borderline Clustered-B disordered psychopath. As you have mentioned, I haven't told the full story. Her behaviour during our time together was just very emotionally abusive and disrespectful. There were actually many red flags during our relationship which I should have just walked out on her but I kept persisting because I thought she would change. I found out yesterday that I have co-dependency issues, which is also why I never gave up on her even though she was always so abusive and disrespectful to me.

 

I was reading on another board on the traits of a psychopath and I came across this.

20 Criteria for a Psychopath:

1 = partially applies 2= fully applies

The List to Determine if a Person is a Psychopath:

1.-glibness and superficial charm (2)

2.-grandiose sense of self-worth (1)

3.-pathological lying (2)

3.-cunning (2)

4.-lack of remorse (2)

5.-emotional shallowness (2)

6.-callousness and lack of empathy (2)

7.-unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions (2)

8.-a tendency to boredom (2)

9.-a parasitic lifestyle (2)

10.-a lack of realistic long-term goals (2)

11.-impulsivity (2)

12.-irresponsibility (2)

13.-lack of behavioural control (2)

14.-behavioural problems in early life (2)

15.-juvenile delinquency (2)

16.-criminal versatility (1)

17.-a history of “revocation of conditional release” (ie broken parole)

18.-multiple marriages

19.- manipulative (2)

20.-promiscuous sexual behaviour (2)

A score of 30 or more would qualify as a psychopath.

 

My ex has 36.

 

 

Some of her behaviours and traits during our time together was also ridiculously rude, disrespectful and downright terrible:

 

1. She always have to do things her way. ALWAYS. If things don't go according to plan or her wish, she would go into meltdown. So I always have to compromise for her.

 

2. She has no sense of remorse, guilt or empathy. I booked her flight ticket back to Thailand 3 times. Her passport expired so she had to renew and she kept telling me that her passport would arrive on that particular date so she told me to go ahead to book her ticket. I booked the ticket for her but her passport hasn't arrived. I called her and scolded her because why did she ask me to go ahead to book the ticket if she wasn't sure if the passport would arrive. She hung up the phone on me and told me to stop disturbing her as she wants to sleep. I was so pissed off! This is so irresponsible and disrespectful. She said it's not her fault and told me to stop **** her mind. I was really pissed off with her then but I calmed down and went ahead to book the second time, and she agreed with that scheduled date. Just a day before her flight, she told me she had bad news for me as the road is closed so she can't collect her passport. I had to cancel the booking twice and paid 3 times for her. No acknowledgement of thank you or sorry. No remorse. No guilt. Nothing. Forget about the fact that she was a prostitute. Would a normal woman behave like this?

 

3. She is a pathological liar. When she was in Uzbekistan, she would often tell me how the brothel boss (Basically her pimp) would call her and her mum to ask her to come back to Thailand and he would pay for her air tickets, visa, passport etc. And she later used this against me, so I had to send her the money or else the pimp would send her the money and she had to go back to the brothel to work for him. When I came back to Thailand, I spoke to the pimp. He never contacted her at all.

 

4. When we were having a long-distance relationship, she would tell me how much she missed me and she can't wait to see me but when we meet each other, she would get irritated and turned off whenever I try to get intimate with her. She said she hate people touching her.

 

5. 3 days after breaking up with me, she has a new boyfriend. I don't know if he is a rebound, someone she just met or someone she knew before me but I know BPDs tend to go into another relationship immediately after a breakup.

 

6. She sensed that I was going to break up with her so she dumped me before I could dump her. BPDs have a fear of abandonment, from what I learnt and so she needed to take the initiative first. It's like I have to hurt you before you can hurt me.

 

She broke up with me via WhatsApp on the 22nd September and 2 days before the breakup, I had to catch a flight at night and I missed my flight so I texted her I'm coming back, but I rescheduled my flight to early morning at 6 am. When I reached our apartment, I saw her dressing up, getting ready to leave. I was extremely annoyed and frustrated because she knew that her boyfriend was going to catch another flight in a couple of hours time and instead of spending time with me, she was leaving me all alone. I asked if I could join her for dinner with her friend and she said no. Fine. She told me she would be back in an hour but I know she never keep her word, so I told her not to take the card key because I can't leave the apartment without the card key. She insisted on taking the card key and said she would be back in an hour. After she left, she texted me the security number and told me she won't be back till the following morning and said "See you on Friday."

 

 

I called the security but no one answered. I was so pissed off because I can't leave the apartment without the card key and I have to catch the flight in 4 hours. I kept calling her and texting her but she ignored me. I told her she must be back by 4 am because I have to reach the airport by 5 am and it takes at least an hour to get to the airport. She ignored me. Later she texted me to tell me she would definitely be back by 4 am and I told her she doesn't need to come back anymore. How did I manage to leave the apartment? I had a 15 kg luggage on me and a 7kg bag on me while I climbed down the drainage pipe off the second storey. I almost fractured my leg while I climbed down but fortunately, nothing serious happened.

 

 

After that, I decided to break up with her. Initially, I didn't book check-in luggage but I booked check-in luggage and I took my luggage away and placed the two soft toy gifts on her luggage so I made it seem like I was going to leave her. I wanted to teach her a lesson and make her feel the pain of walking out on someone, but I never wanted to break up with her. I had the intention but I just wanted to teach her a lesson, kind of to get the power back in the relationship. However, my plan backfired massively. The next day, she came back in the afternoon and she saw that my luggage was gone and she texted me a ? I ignored her and she followed up with another text "Where are you now?", I ignored her again and she sent me another message 6 hours later at night, "You don't want to talk to me?" - I replied to her, telling her that I need to talk to her but I'll tell her when I see her on Friday.

 

The next day, on the 22nd September, she was supposed to go Laos to do her visa run, so I texted her if everything is ok and is she going for her visa run that day? She told me to tell her what I wanted to tell her yesterday night and I refused to tell her and told her that I'd only tell her when I see her on Friday. She kept pushing me for an answer but I refused to say, after which she said she also have something to tell me. After that, I kept challenging her "Come on do it, I know you want to do it." She seemed confused and told me "Do what?"

 

Then, she told me she had something to tell me but she don't want to see me. I expected this so I told her "You said you have something to tell me but you don't want to see me.", so "Do you still want to see me?" - she replied NO and that's how she broke up with me. I replied to her saying Ok thanks goodbye and I went out of the office. I thought I could deal with the break-up. Finally, it's all over. Suddenly, it hit me hard. I did so much for her...I did so much just so I can be with her and now everything is just over just because of this? So I rushed back to the office and started calling her, texting her beggining her for another chance. But she has already made up her mind.

 

After which, I went a day of NC and I couldn't take it and started contacting her a day later, kept calling her friend, calling her, spamming her with text messages and voicemails, telling her I'm sorry and beggining her for another chance. This continued for two more weeks, until the 3rd week, which I went

back to Bangkok as a last ditch attempt to salvage my relationship, which I went mental that night, and finding out she already has a new boyfriend.

 

Basically, I tried to get the 'power' back in the relationship by trying to make it seem like I was going to dump her but she dumped me before I could dump her. Yes I had the intention to dump her but first and foremost, I'd never dump her over text or phone, I'd have done it in person so I wanted to meet her on Friday and break the news to her, although I never really wanted to break up with her. I merely wanted to have a serious face-to-face conversation, outlining the problems in our relationship and if she doesn't change, I'd leave. My plan was to make her panic and teach her a lesson but I never wanted to end our relationship. When I was on my way to the airport, while waiting for my flight, inside the plane, I felt crap. I felt so guilty and so bad because I was going to leave her and I actually can't bear to do it because I really loved her. However, I was still so mad at her so I wanted to teach her a lesson for always walking out on me so I wanted her to feel the pain of me walking out on her this time. I took my luggage and all my belongings back home. All my clothes, even one of the laptop which I gave her to use, I also took it back.

 

Unfortunately, not only did my plan backfired massively, I ended up getting hurt myself, which resulted in that crazy night on the 14th of October.

 

Day 36 of NC now.

 

I just checked from my dad's phone that her last online on WhatsApp was 10th November, 9 days ago. I guess she must have changed her number but she doesn't need to do it since I've deleted my WhatsApp and I don't plan to contact her anymore.

 

I don't plan to break NC but it makes me so sad that I can never hear from her again.

 

Hope this gives you some clarity on my situation.

 

P.S: I will write up a full story of our relationship once I'm emotionally stable.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Armageddon

[Amelie1980]

OP I am cringing on your behalf. Arent you embarrassed by this?

 

Where do you score on the psychopath scale?

 

She is so bad and so crazy...but she left you though.

 

You played games with her making it look like you would dump her to teach her a lesson. Never call anyone`s bluff.

 

Just stop posting here and find something else to do.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Armageddon]

OP I am cringing on your behalf. Arent you embarrassed by this?

 

Where do you score on the psychopath scale?

 

She is so bad and so crazy...but she left you though.

 

You played games with her making it look like you would dump her to teach her a lesson. Never call anyone`s bluff.

 

Just stop posting here and find something else to do.

 

Hi Amelia, I'm not a psychopath and I never was. I never meant to play games with her and I never really wanted to dump her. I just wanted to confront her about her behaviour.

 

I wish you can be more sensitive. I come on here asking for help but I'm getting terribly harsh and insensitive comments like your, telling me I'm a psychopath and I should stop posting here. Seriously what's your problem?

[Itspointless]

Hope this gives you some clarity on my situation.

 

P.S: I will write up a full story of our relationship once I'm emotionally stable.

In all honesty reading your story I keep dangling from Armageddon is fooling us to seriously? Your story is and of the most extreme things I have read here, and I have read some really weird stories here.

 

Giving you the benefit of doubt, why did you ever fell in love with her. I hope you can see yourself how disturbing your story actually is? Please do not answer that first question here. Falling in love with a prostitute, her behaviour, your passive-aggressive behaviour. I simply cannot see how this ever could have worked. If this actually is your life, than you have a lot of work to do or you might end up murdered in a back-ally some day.

[Blanco]

Codependency isn't just feeling like you NEED someone. It's also about feeling like you need to save someone; making their burdens yours; feeling like it's your responsibility to fix them or their problems.

 

She may have a host of issues, but those are not your concern now. You have your hands full with your own issues, which are infinitely more important.

[Armageddon]

In all honesty reading your story I keep dangling from Armageddon is fooling us to seriously? Your story is and of the most extreme things I have read here, and I have read some really weird stories here.

 

Giving you the benefit of doubt, why did you ever fell in love with her. I hope you can see yourself how disturbing your story actually is? Please do not answer that first question here. Falling in love with a prostitute, her behaviour, your passive-aggressive behaviour. I simply cannot see how this ever could have worked. If this actually is your life, than you have a lot of work to do or you might end up murdered in a back-ally some day.

 

What do I get from fooling you? I really don't understand why would you think I'm trolling. I'm not. I swear on my life and my mother's life that every single word I said is true. I know my story is extreme, which is exactly why I'm in so much pain and it took me a while to come forward because I was prepared for the harsh words but I didn't expect some people would be so harsh as to call me a psychopath and asked me to stop posting, which frankly, I find it very hurtful.

 

I didn't choose to fall in love with her. I don't know when I started falling in love with her. Initially, it came across as sympathy. I really felt sorry for her life and I wanted to save her and take on the burden that she had..slowly that sympathy grew into love for her. I admired and respected her a lot for sacrificing herself for her family because honestly, in today's society, how many girls do that? My eldest sister, who's 30 years old doesn't even give a damn about my family, don't even give my parents money or pay for any of the bills yet this 25 year old woman went to a foreign country all alone, and every money she earned, she sent back to her mum twice every week. Yes I almost got murdered, she called the cops and mafia on me and if they had arrived, I'd have got beaten up by them. In Thailand, you can hire someone to kill you for just $800.

 

I'm sorry if my story offends people here but that was never my intention and I was just trying to seek help.

[Armageddon]

Codependency isn't just feeling like you NEED someone. It's also about feeling like you need to save someone; making their burdens yours; feeling like it's your responsibility to fix them or their problems.

 

She may have a host of issues, but those are not your concern now. You have your hands full with your own issues, which are infinitely more important.

 

Then I certainly have codependency. I needed her as much as she needed me. Without me, she would have been in jail because back in June, she couldn't return home and her passport was expiring in a few days but she doesn't have any money for the air ticket, passport, airport penalty fee and I helped her solved all these problems. Which is why I'm hurting so much now because after everything I've done for her, she just dumped me like this. I did feel like I need to save her life, and her burden became mine and whenever she has any problems, she would always come to me for help. I'd always take on the responsibility. Whenever I get my salary, I give everything I earn to her. Whenever I get a project from a client, I would also give everything I have to her if she asked me for help. She was everything to me. There were a few times when I really have no more money but she really needed the money, and I actually borrowed from my mum and younger sister to help her. Now I'm in debt as well because I owe my mum $10,000 and sister $5,000. I lost my previous two jobs because of her as well. She basically became my life.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Armageddon

[Itspointless]

What do I get from fooling you? I really don't understand why would you think I'm trolling. I'm not. I swear on my life and my mother's life that every single word I said is true. I know my story is extreme, which is exactly why I'm in so much pain and it took me a while to come forward because I was prepared for the harsh words but I didn't expect some people would be so harsh as to call me a psychopath and asked me to stop posting, which frankly, I find it very hurtful. [...] I'm sorry if my story offends people here but that was never my intention and I was just trying to seek help.

That isn't why I mentioned it. There are people though who make up stories while a lot of us here are trying to help and are investing time. I mention it to point out to you how extreme your story actually is. Doing that I hope you will never fall in love with someone like her again! As love never should put us in situations that can actually harm us or them. And yes, sometimes people can be a bit harsh in their comments but most on LS mean well.

I didn't choose to fall in love with her. I don't know when I started falling in love with her. Initially, it came across as sympathy.

That perhaps is your biggest lesson here, stop yourself when you feel that your sympathy is turning into a crush, being codependent that is the biggest mistake you can make.

[Amelie1980]

Hi Amelia, I'm not a psychopath and I never was. I never meant to play games with her and I never really wanted to dump her. I just wanted to confront her about her behaviour.

 

I wish you can be more sensitive. I come on here asking for help but I'm getting terribly harsh and insensitive comments like your, telling me I'm a psychopath and I should stop posting here. Seriously what's your problem?

 

 

People are being harsh with you because you are giving them no choice. They are being cruel to be kind.

 

Your actions are not those of a personal who is in control. The most embarrassing thing I have ever done in a break is cry, apologise for no reason and ask them to reconsider. When that didnt work I left it. I wouldn't demean myself anymore and even when it hurt like hell, I just left it.

 

You on the other hand, flying to her country, harrassing with phone calls, chasing her on a motorbike.....playing games pretending you wanted to break up with her. These are not the actions of a sane person.

 

So you've ruined your life, your job, borrowed money from family because of her. Is she really that special?!

 

Pull yourself together before you lose family and friends over this if you havent already.

 

She is one person. Aint no one that special.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Armageddon]

That isn't why I mentioned it. There are people though who make up stories while a lot of us here are trying to help and are investing time. I mention it to point out to you how extreme your story actually is. Doing that I hope you will never fall in love with someone like her again! As love never should put us in situations that can actually harm us or them. And yes, sometimes people can be a bit harsh in their comments but most on LS mean well.

 

That perhaps is your biggest lesson here, stop yourself when you feel that your sympathy is turning into a crush, being codependent that is the biggest mistake you can make.

 

Thank you for investing your time to help me, I really appreciate it. My story is so extreme, my friend even told me it's something that you can't find in a movie script. The things I did were so embarrassingly cringey, I even thought of contacting her ex to understand her history. Her ex is my friend's best friend. What a small world. This was the ex whom she told me that she dumped him after 6 months, and he came back to ask her for a second chance. I found out that she lied. That guy is basically like Dan Blizerian. He is a womanizer and he doesn't even care about her. I remember a quote from him "When a woman starts to fall in love with you, it's time to let them go." He even told her that he was sleeping with other women when he was with her but she still stayed with him. She couldn't get anything out of the relationship so she left but technically it was him who "dumped" her.

 

I know people on LS tend to be very harsh but we are all here to seek solace so sometimes, I wish they can be more sensitive to our feelings.

 

I care for people. The biggest mistake I made in my life was falling in love with her. Like I said, I never choose to fall in love with her. It just happened...and it started all from my sympathy. I was codependent, that's for sure. And I never knew about this until yesterday. I learnt a lot from this experience. I've been going to the library to read up books on human psychology to empower myself and I find BPD and codependency very fascinating.

 

So do you think she is still a borderline Clustered-B disordered psychopath? That is BPD right?

[Armageddon]

People are being harsh with you because you are giving them no choice. They are being cruel to be kind.

 

Your actions are not those of a personal who is in control. The most embarrassing thing I have ever done in a break is cry, apologise for no reason and ask them to reconsider. When that didnt work I left it. I wouldn't demean myself anymore and even when it hurt like hell, I just left it.

 

You on the other hand, flying to her country, harrassing with phone calls, chasing her on a motorbike.....playing games pretending you wanted to break up with her. These are not the actions of a sane person.

 

So you've ruined your life, your job, borrowed money from family because of her. Is she really that special?!

 

Pull yourself together before you lose family and friends over this if you havent already.

 

She is one person. Aint no one that special.

 

Amelie, if being harsh with me means calling me a psychopath and telling me to stop posting, I really don't need this right now. I know people can be harsh on here at times but at the end of the day, they have my best interests in mind but I wish you guys can be more sensitive to my feelings. Everyone is different. I just went through a terrible break-up and I'd even say that I have PTSD now due to this traumatic experience.

 

I completely lost control of myself and became emotionally and mentally unstable after the break-up because I've always been the one supporting her so I was so worried that she would go back to her old life, which is why I did all those crazy stuff and the worst of the worst, what happened 36 days ago. This is something she will most probably never forget in her life, but unfortunately will never want to have anything to do with me anymore. She even told me that no man has ever ****ed her mind like me. Pretending to break up with her well...that was basically the nail in the coffin and I wish I never did that. I did tell my therapist about this and he told me that what I did wasn't childish at all, it just backfired.

 

I don't think what you did is embarrassing at all, most people would beg, cry and plead after a break-up, be it a guy or girl. Hell, even my cousin's ex threatened to commit suicide after she broke up with him.

 

Anyway, if your advice was for my best interests, I just want to thank you for it. I'll definitely find a way to pull myself together. I know if I collapse, my mum won't survive. I am everything to my mum and she had depression because of me so I won't let her suffer again. My grandmother has cancer so my family needs me.

 

I just wish there's a kind of pill which I can eat to forget her. The pain I'm going through is unbearable. Each time I thought I'm getting better, it comes back to me a few days or a week later. I'm fighting a war inside me everyday. I hope I have the strength to recover from this and I find peace soon.

[Amelie1980]

I honestly think you need the kind of help that cant be given here.

 

Last break up I didn't cry and beg, I told him what i thought of him and then left it.

[Itspointless]

I know people on LS tend to be very harsh but we are all here to seek solace so sometimes, I wish they can be more sensitive to our feelings.

 

I care for people. The biggest mistake I made in my life was falling in love with her. Like I said, I never choose to fall in love with her. It just happened...and it started all from my sympathy. I was codependent, that's for sure. And I never knew about this until yesterday. I learnt a lot from this experience. I've been going to the library to read up books on human psychology to empower myself and I find BPD and codependency very fascinating.

 

So do you think she is still a borderline Clustered-B disordered psychopath? That is BPD right?

I think people are harsh as your story and your story actually scares them.

 

I really cannot say what her problems exactly are. But yes she has problems, problems you cannot fix. But the fact you mistake your sympathy and her eagerness for love unfortunately means you also have a long way to go as well. I am sorry if this sounds harsh too, but you really need to work on this. As you say it just happened, but that only could have happened because it triggered something old within in you need to work on. It is good that you are interested in learning, I just hope you will do this with a licenced therapist who really can help you.

[Armageddon]

I honestly think you need the kind of help that cant be given here.

 

Last break up I didn't cry and beg, I told him what i thought of him and then left it.

 

What kind of help do you think I need?

 

Did he ever reach out to you after the break-up? I'm guessing he did since you handled the break-up with grace and dignity.

[Itspointless]

Wanted to edit some typing mistakes in my previous post ...

[Armageddon]

I think people are harsh as your story and your story actually scares them.

 

I really cannot say what her problems exactly are. But yes she has problems, problems you cannot fix. But the fact you mistake your sympathy and her eagerness for love unfortunately means you also have a long way to go as well. I am sorry if this sounds harsh too, but you really need to work on this. As you say it just happened, but that only could have happened because it triggered something old within in you need to work on. It is good that you are interested in learning, I just hope you will do this with a licenced therapist who really can help you.

 

I'm sorry if my story scares people but considering this forum has been around since 1997 with over 410,000 members, I'm sure there are somewhat similar stories like mine or if not, nothing like what you guys haven't come across.

 

I still have her mum's number and I have even contemplated contacting her mum to help her but I know this is a terrible idea. Contacting your ex's mum after a break-up is a big no no and it will just set my recovery back and made me look even more stupid. Even after everything she did to me, I still care for her deeply and after finding out she has BPD, I actually feel sorry for her and I wish I could help her. All her relationships never last more than 6 months because she is too emotionally abusive and unstable.

 

I will seek the help I need for myself. But if I can't help my ex, who can seriously help her? As far as I'm aware, BPD is incurable.

[Amelie1980]

I'm sorry if my story scares people but considering this forum has been around since 1997 with over 410,000 members, I'm sure there are somewhat similar stories like mine or if not, nothing like what you guys haven't come across.

 

I still have her mum's number and I have even contemplated contacting her mum to help her but I know this is a terrible idea. Contacting your ex's mum after a break-up is a big no no and it will just set my recovery back and made me look even more stupid. Even after everything she did to me, I still care for her deeply and after finding out she has BPD, I actually feel sorry for her and I wish I could help her. All her relationships never last more than 6 months because she is too emotionally abusive and unstable.

 

I will seek the help I need for myself. But if I can't help my ex, who can seriously help her? As far as I'm aware, BPD is incurable.

 

ive been a member of this site since 2012 & another site since 2010.

 

I thought id heard it all until now. This really is the most extreme.

 

Until now the most extreme stuff was catching husband with escort etc.

 

I just feel sad for you because she isnt worrying about you.

[Itspointless]

I still care for her deeply and after finding out she has BPD [...] I will seek the help I need for myself. But if I can't help my ex, who can seriously help her? As far as I'm aware, BPD is incurable.

We don't know that, we just know that she as a lot of problems. It is not our or your task to help her. She clearly does not want help.

 

I have read a few extreme things, you definitely are in the top five or something with this for me.

[Armageddon]

ive been a member of this site since 2012 & another site since 2010.

 

I thought id heard it all until now. This really is the most extreme.

 

Until now the most extreme stuff was catching husband with escort etc.

 

I just feel sad for you because she isnt worrying about you.

 

Life is always full of surprises. Let my experience be a lesson to everyone on this board.

 

1. Never ever get emotionally attached to an escort.

2. Never fall in love with a BPD. Once you find red flags in a relationship, walk away.

3. Don't ever let your sympathy for someone grow into love. Keep a clear line between sympathy and love.

 

Of course, she isn't going to worry about me. Out of sight, out of mind. She's a BPD. She split me and now she has painted me black. She probably never loved me, she just idealized me and when I became too needy and clingy, she devalued me and slowly, she detached away from me. I was her white knight and now she found a replacement.

[Amelie1980]

What kind of help do you think I need?

 

Did he ever reach out to you after the break-up? I'm guessing he did since you handled the break-up with grace and dignity.

 

I think you need a counselor or psychotherapist. Someone to help you break the thought patterns. Maybe CBT.

 

No not yet. It was the second time though and we just randomly met this time. Not often. He just used me until he got another gf.

 

I just told him what i thought of him and how upset i was then left it. I asked him a couple of weeks later about my clothes and he offered to mail them back to me. I never answered as i didnt want him having my new address.

 

Heard nothing.

[Armageddon]

We don't know that, we just know that she as a lot of problems. It is not our or your task to help her. She clearly does not want help.

 

I have read a few extreme things, you definitely are in the top five or something with this for me.

 

Not sure what to feel about this considering I'm so new here...but anyway thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate it.

 

If she is actually a BPD, I understand that BPD always tend to try and come back to try at some point to re-engage with their ex. Do you think that she will still try to reach out to me at some point? Months or even years later.

 

I'm not trying to use this as a hope for my situation because I have learnt to let go. I just feel so sorry for her now and wish I find out about BPD when I was with her so at least, I could manage the situation better and help her.

[Armageddon]

I think you need a counselor or psychotherapist. Someone to help you break the thought patterns. Maybe CBT.

 

No not yet. It was the second time though and we just randomly met this time. Not often. He just used me until he got another gf.

 

I just told him what i thought of him and how upset i was then left it. I asked him a couple of weeks later about my clothes and he offered to mail them back to me. I never answered as i didnt want him having my new address.

 

Heard nothing.

 

Thanks Amelie, I will definitely bring up CBT to my counsellor when I see her next week.

 

How long have you been in NC? If it was my ex, she would have gotten someone to go to my house to collect her clothes for her. Maybe you should do this too, you get your stuff back and you don't have to see him.

[Itspointless]

If she is actually a BPD, I understand that BPD always tend to try and come back to try at some point to re-engage with their ex. Do you think that she will still try to reach out to me at some point? Months or even years later.

My first girlfriend who had bpd-traits never did.

[Armageddon]

My first girlfriend who had bpd-traits never did.

 

Thanks for your perspective. I know BPDs all tend to re-engage but there are cases where some never, so I'm not surprised. Were you the dumper or dumpee? Have you thought of reaching out to her at any point?