If the dumpee disappears completely from the dumper's life...

[Amelie1980]

Thanks Amelie, I will definitely bring up CBT to my counsellor when I see her next week.

 

How long have you been in NC? If it was my ex, she would have gotten someone to go to my house to collect her clothes for her. Maybe you should do this too, you get your stuff back and you don't have to see him.

 

Just since the end of June. I never replied to him and gave him my address. I'l just leave it now.

[Armageddon]

Just since the end of June. I never replied to him and gave him my address. I'l just leave it now.

 

5 months of NC - congrats. I'm sure you have gotten over him by now yeah?

 

If he ever come back to you, would you take him back? I'm guessing it's a big no from you. I really admire your mental strength.

 

I noticed a similar trait in a lot of harsh posters like you, itspointless, mightycpa, ExpatInItaly. All of you are so mentally strong and never seem to look back.

 

I wish I can be like one of you one day.

 

My ex sent me this back in April when we were at our honeymoon phase.

 

 

What an irony. Now I'm going to use this for myself. Relationships can be so scary at times. The amount of control and power one can have over their partner.

 

"He who cares least, controls the relationship" is so true.

[Itspointless]

Thanks for your perspective. I know BPDs all tend to re-engage but there are cases where some never, so I'm not surprised. Were you the dumper or dumpee? Have you thought of reaching out to her at any point?

I notice you already concluded that she is, you might want to be really careful with that. Our minds often fill in things like we want to see them for answers. We can better focus our attention on ourselves.

 

But to answer you, I did after many years, when I didn't feel a thing for her any-more. Just wanted to say to her its okay, I don't hate you.. Having her on Facebook since. But as you seem very reactive, please do not write something like this to her, just focus on you.

[Amelie1980]

5 months of NC - congrats. I'm sure you have gotten over him by now yeah?

 

If he ever come back to you, would you take him back? I'm guessing it's a big no from you. I really admire your mental strength.

 

I noticed a similar trait in a lot of harsh posters like you, itspointless, mightycpa, ExpatInItaly. All of you are so mentally strong and never seem to look back.

 

I wish I can be like one of you one day.

 

My ex sent me this back in April when we were at our honeymoon phase.

 

 

What an irony. Now I'm going to use this for myself. Relationships can be so scary at times. The amount of control and power one can have over their partner.

 

"He who cares least, controls the relationship" is so true.

 

NO. Not at all over him and he was never really mine. I did something slightly stupid post BU that means he will probalby never talk to me again.

 

i think about him all the time and analyze why he didnt want me and why he wanted other girls. I hope he will come back but I dont think he will.

[Itspointless]

I noticed a similar trait in a lot of harsh posters like you, itspointless, mightycpa, ExpatInItaly. All of you are so mentally strong and never seem to look back.

Speaking for myself, if that only were true.

[Amelie1980]

Speaking for myself, if that only were true.

 

You can speak for me too. I dwell constantly on the past the difference is I dont act on it.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Blanco]

I know you're looking for insight with these questions, but I get the sense that you're hoping people will respond with something, anything, that will let you cling to hope that she will return eventually.

 

I conceded earlier that this woman has serious issues, but it's unfair to dwell too much on them. You are still responsible for how you respond to what life presents you, so don't get absorbed by what her issues may have been. Because let's be real, no sane person would've engaged in half of the things you did. You dated a prostitute and floated her huge sums of money. That this seemed OK to you is a huge red flag. Most people would think this situation was nuts based on just those things, never mind your actions after the break up.

 

I mean, I'll be blunt: You should be grateful that your family hasn't disowned you for throwing tons of their money at a woman who sleeps with men for money. Quit worrying about what this woman will or won't do and dive head first into fixing the relationships you have strained or destroyed with friends and family because of this sham of a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend is diagnosed BPD. Sadly he has never sought treatment.

 

I have no idea if your ex suffers from the same condition. But believe me when I say that you can't help her. I couldn't help my ex either.

 

OP, as others have said, your behaviour was disturbing as well. You would be far better to channel your energy into getting yourself sorted out than worrying one more second about her.

[Amelie1980]

I know you're looking for insight with these questions, but I get the sense that you're hoping people will respond with something, anything, that will let you cling to hope that she will return eventually.

 

I conceded earlier that this woman has serious issues, but it's unfair to dwell too much on them. You are still responsible for how you respond to what life presents you, so don't get absorbed by what her issues may have been. Because let's be real, no sane person would've engaged in half of the things you did. You dated a prostitute and floated her huge sums of money. That this seemed OK to you is a huge red flag. Most people would think this situation was nuts based on just those things, never mind your actions after the break up.

 

I mean, I'll be blunt: You should be grateful that your family hasn't disowned you for throwing tons of their money at a woman who sleeps with men for money. Quit worrying about what this woman will or won't do and dive head first into fixing the relationships you have strained or destroyed with friends and family because of this sham of a relationship.

 

This is the best advice.

 

I dont think you know how much worse it could get for you.

 

Your mum has depression because of you, your grandma has cancer. But you are not out there working all the hours you can to repay the money you took from your family because of this woman.

 

Oh no, instead you say this:

 

I still have her mum's number and I have even contemplated contacting her mum to help her but I know this is a terrible idea. Contacting your ex's mum after a break-up is a big no no and it will just set my recovery back and made me look even more stupid.

 

It is beyond belief. You've destroyed yourself and taken your family with you for this woman but you're thinking about calling HER mum to see if you can help HER. WTF!

 

And instead you are also looking for inspiration from other posters to see if their exes came back to fuel a fantasy that yours will.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh but I think your family enabled you too much with this woman and I think we are also enabling you here. You just dont get it.

 

Things could get so much worse in that your family disown you.

[Armageddon]

I know you're looking for insight with these questions, but I get the sense that you're hoping people will respond with something, anything, that will let you cling to hope that she will return eventually.

 

I conceded earlier that this woman has serious issues, but it's unfair to dwell too much on them. You are still responsible for how you respond to what life presents you, so don't get absorbed by what her issues may have been. Because let's be real, no sane person would've engaged in half of the things you did. You dated a prostitute and floated her huge sums of money. That this seemed OK to you is a huge red flag. Most people would think this situation was nuts based on just those things, never mind your actions after the break up.

 

I mean, I'll be blunt: You should be grateful that your family hasn't disowned you for throwing tons of their money at a woman who sleeps with men for money. Quit worrying about what this woman will or won't do and dive head first into fixing the relationships you have strained or destroyed with friends and family because of this sham of a relationship.

 

This event is still very fresh in my mind, it's only 38 days. I'm a human with feelings and emotions. I'm sorry I'm not as mentally strong as you guys. Yes you're right, I'm still clinging onto a false sense of hope that she will return someday, but I also know that the longer I cling onto this hope, the more my pain will drag on. I'm saying this now because this event is still very fresh. I have acknowledged I have issues so I've been reading up on attachment/codependency and seeking professional help.

 

You said that she has serious issues? What kind of issues exactly?

First of all, when I officially started dating her, she was no longer a prostitute. I saved and changed her life. I gave her the money to leave Thailand, so she can return home to be reunited with her mum. My entire relationship with her was almost based on that 3 month long distance relationship from June to September - texting and talking on the phone daily. All her promises to me when we return to Thailand. I mean I kind of knew that she would break up with me one day but I didn't expect it to be so soon. She left me because she claimed I f.u.c.k.ed her mind which resulted in her having headaches, which I don't understand at all. I couldn't accept such a lame reason for a breakup.

 

Honestly, if you really loved someone, you wouldn't care about her past. Maybe you think I'm insane to give her so much money given her background but I can assure you that there are many men who do that too. In fact, her best friend (the one who beat me up at her premise) also used to be a prostitute 4 years ago and she is now happily married to a successful Thai businessman, for 3 years. He changed her life and I wanted my ex to be like her best friend too.

 

No family will ever turn their back on their child, at least from mine. I'm very grateful to my family who's always so supportive of me. In fact, my sister and mum rejoiced when they found out she broke up with me. I can't stop worrying about this woman now...I don't know what I can do to forget her forever, but I hope I'll get there one day.

 

Perhaps you can tell me what I can do to move on with my life and stop worrying about that woman? Other than seeking professional help.

[Armageddon]

NO. Not at all over him and he was never really mine. I did something slightly stupid post BU that means he will probalby never talk to me again.

 

i think about him all the time and analyze why he didnt want me and why he wanted other girls. I hope he will come back but I dont think he will.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are still not over him. Reading your comments, I'm actually surprised because you seem so mentally strong. Depending on how long you dated him, I heard that the time to get over someone is usually half of the relationship's time so maybe one day you will get over him.

 

Same. I still think about her all the time, every moment everyday and I keep analyzing with so many "What ifs". At least take comfort from the fact that male dumpers tend to come back more and your post breakup wasn't that bad.

[Amelie1980]

You now say she has no issues? You said she has BPD and scores high on a psychopath test.

 

I'm done here. 6 pages and you're not listening.

[Armageddon]

You now say she has no issues? You said she has BPD and scores high on a psychopath test.

 

I'm done here. 6 pages and you're not listening.

 

I'm not saying that she has no issues. I'm highly certain that she has BPD, but seems like there's more to it which I'm trying to figure out. I'm just trying to resonate with Blanco who said that she has serious issues, and it seems like it's not to do with BPD since itspointless told me to be careful with that.

[Armageddon]

This is the best advice.

 

I dont think you know how much worse it could get for you.

 

Your mum has depression because of you, your grandma has cancer. But you are not out there working all the hours you can to repay the money you took from your family because of this woman.

 

Oh no, instead you say this:

 

I still have her mum's number and I have even contemplated contacting her mum to help her but I know this is a terrible idea. Contacting your ex's mum after a break-up is a big no no and it will just set my recovery back and made me look even more stupid.

 

It is beyond belief. You've destroyed yourself and taken your family with you for this woman but you're thinking about calling HER mum to see if you can help HER. WTF!

 

And instead you are also looking for inspiration from other posters to see if their exes came back to fuel a fantasy that yours will.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh but I think your family enabled you too much with this woman and I think we are also enabling you here. You just dont get it.

 

Things could get so much worse in that your family disown you.

 

Believe me, my family will never disown me. Like I said, this event is still so fresh in my mind, and I can't stop worrying for her.

[Amelie1980]

I'm sorry to hear that you are still not over him. Reading your comments, I'm actually surprised because you seem so mentally strong. Depending on how long you dated him, I heard that the time to get over someone is usually half of the relationship's time so maybe one day you will get over him.

 

Same. I still think about her all the time, every moment everyday and I keep analyzing with so many "What ifs". At least take comfort from the fact that male dumpers tend to come back more and your post breakup wasn't that bad.

 

We only dated for 2 months in late 2013. A year apart and then we just met very infrequently like FWB with me making most of the effort to stay in touch. Then I got sick of if and back away. He came back and started contacting me all the time and making reference to longer term. he was so nice to me I thought he was starting to want to date me again.

 

Then I got dumped telling me he met someone and couldnt fool around now. Nice. He lied to keep me on the hook until he met someone.

 

So i just let rip and told him he led me on, let him know I was upset and asked why he did it. I did one stupid thing but oh well. Then I asked aout my stuff and he offered to mail it but i didnt want him having my new address.

 

So he still has my clothes and I have just left it.

 

You are right that male dumpers tend to come back more....for sex when they cant get any. I wouldn't put it past my ex.

 

Yes I am still very much under him but the strength comes from me just refusing to let that piece of s h i t know that I am still thinking about him. THat it why I wont contact him not because I am over it.

[Blanco]

OP, what you can do for yourself now is get to the bottom of why you have conflated love with saving someone. They aren't the same thing, and I think it's telling that you have made allusions many times in this thread to wanting to rescue her. That isn't love. She's not a stray cat.

 

So do some emotional unpacking and try to figure out why her "needing" to be saved made her so much more appealing to her. It could be that you feel you had nothing else to offer her but security and an escape from her past life.

 

Understand that being someone's rescuer is a pretty flimsy foundation to build a relationship on. A healthy relationship should blossom from mutual respect, admiration, and genuine love. It doesn't come from one person financially bailing out the other or "saving" that person in some other way. This isn't some sappy movie and you aren't a knight in shining armor.

 

Having a healthy romantic relationship is going to be tough, if not impossible, if you continue to find appeal in a woman predominantly because you relish the idea of rescuing her from something.

[mightycpa]

I noticed a similar trait in a lot of harsh posters like you, itspointless, mightycpa, ExpatInItaly. All of you are so mentally strong and never seem to look back.

Never looked back? Ha! Always looked back, at least at first, but for me, never acted on it. My healing process took a long time, but it was just that, a process.... not a magic pill. It was the hardest damn thing I've ever done.

 

I think the most important things about my healing were that I made a decision that rather than try to get her back, I would work to fall out of love. I recognized some of my behaviors that I wasn't proud of, and I worked actively to understand them and change them. I committed myself to separation. I became very social, surrounding myself with fun people, fun things to do. I went out of my way to connect with people - to replace some of what I'd lost. I had a lot of sex too, in a futile effort to replace some of what I'd lost. Unintended consequence of that was that I got good at it, so that was helpful later in life. Also, I never hated the ex, but I did try to remind/convince myself constantly that the relationship was not ideal. I knocked her off that pedestal as fast as I could, and turned her into a regular, normal human being. The end result of all this was I became very comfortable with who I was. When that happened, I noticed a change in how the women I dated reacted to me. I started to control my relationships, not in a mean way, but more like, I would evaluate if they were good for me, rather than being concerned if I was good enough for them. It was like turning a corner, and very good things came from that.

 

I don't know the people that you've mentioned beyond what I've read, most of which I've forgotten. But I'll bet we all share a kind of determination where we listened to our heads more than our hearts, and we tried to act rationally, in accordance with what makes sense, rather than what we feel. We somehow instinctively did what was best for us, not necessarily without error, but not for the sole purpose of pleasing or accommodating the dumper. We looked out for ourselves first. We are realists.

 

I think a lot of people who get dumped make a big mistake by putting the ex first. Too late for that, or it's not longer appropriate. It retards your healing. This is an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow. That's the road to take, and leave the ex in the dust.

 

Here's my dirty little secret. I'll always be in love with her, at least a little bit. I never got to indifference with her. But that's ok. I'm ok with the loss of the relationship, it doesn't sadden me anymore. When push comes to shove, I have to admit that I wouldn't trade all the things I did just to be with her. I don't need her, and there is plenty of room in my heart to love other people.

 

You'll get there. Just look out for yourself. Be your own best friend.

Edited November 20, 2015 by mightycpa

[Itspointless]

I don't know the people that you've mentioned beyond what I've read, most of which I've forgotten. But I'll bet we all share a kind of determination where we listened to our heads more than our hearts, and we tried to act rationally, in accordance with what makes sense, rather than what we feel.

With an accent on the word tried. For me it was the realization that she always will push away of there is stress in her life. I cannot imagine always having to remove myself for months if she has a hard time. So yes, in the end it was a rational decision, as my life was coming to a halt due to it, afraid of missing a sign. Not that she was approachable yet. Mentally strong, perhaps Armageddon, but I am also a bit anxious attached, which means that I have to work on myself and have to be careful to not ruminate: which remains tempting.

 

That is a mighty path you described there, no pun intended.

[Amelie1980]

I also dont think she wants saving. Quite happy to be a hooker.

[xxCourt96xx]

I was dumped by my ex-girlfriend two months ago, on the 21st September over text without a good reason. I never cheated on her or treated her badly. In fact, I care too much for her and her reason for dumping me was because I always "****ed her mind". I won't go into full details of our break-up because that's something really long I'm typing out right now on a word document and I'll post my story shortly.

 

During the post-break up, over the next 3 weeks, I've been begging,crying, and pleading with her for a second chance. I spammed her with texts and calls to the extent that she had to block all incoming calls. I was using Skype credit to call her so she can't exactly block my number. She was living with her best friend so I'd also always spam call her best friend over these 3 weeks to try to get in touch with her. Obviously her friend won't pick up my call. On the 3rd week during our post break-up, I flew back to where she lives (We both live in different countries) to attempt to salvage our relationship. I even chased her all the way to her place, where I was brutally beaten up and strangled by her and her friend. She even called the cops and mafia on me who were on their way to find me. That was on 14th October (24 days ago) and also the last time I saw her. I uninstalled my WhatsApp on that night when I went back to my country and never contact her from that day since.

 

I'm into Day 24 of NC now and I know after what I did, she will never ever come back to me anymore so I plan to disappear completely from her life. I know everyone on here says that after a break-up, the best way to get back with your ex is NC especially if you're the dumpee but I had my reasons for not going NC after my break-up which you all will understand when you read my full story.

 

So I have literally taken begging and pleading to another level. Let's just say that I broke every rule of what you should not do after a break-up and it can't get any worse than this. I begged, cried, pleaded and I even went on my knees. I stalked her and made a scene at her friend's house. Is no contact too late now?

 

Will disappearing completely from her life make her miss me and who knows come back to me one day? She also has a new boyfriend 3 days after our break-up. My situation is hopeless right now and the chance of her getting back to me is as good as zero.

 

I heard many saying that the dumper will usually start to miss the dumpee 2-4 months after a break-up but my break-up is the ugliest it can get and it can't get any worse than this so I don't even know if NC can work anymore. I'm thinking 6-8 months and even by then, I don't think she will forgive me. 1 year? 2 years or more?

 

I'll just like to get some perspective, mainly from female dumpers on my hopeless situation.

 

Will me disappearing completely off the face of the earth make her miss me and see me in a different light again?

 

To put it nicely, I learned NC is mainly for you to get your bearings together and better yourself as a person, not to make them miss you. If you're doing this to make them miss you, you have the wrong idea. The break up happened for a reason and both of you were at fault, whether you want to admit it or not. Something wasn't going right in the relationship and going NC gives good insight to what went wrong and what you can do better in the next relationship and how to make yourself better as a person. I disappeared from my ex's life completely after he broke up with me hoping he would miss me and take me back, but it never happened. In fact as each day passed I began to hope and miss him less. I actually met someone new and he completely won me over. We've been together for a month now and I couldn't be happier. Sometimes NC may work, yes, but not all the time. You just have to accept things and move forward. Disappear all you want, but don't do it for her, do it for you.

Edited November 21, 2015 by xxCourt96xx

[Armageddon]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

 

Just to give an update on my situation. Something terrible happened to my ex-girlfriend. There was an accident in her house. A fire broke out at night when everyone was sleeping, her 91 years old grandmother died as she couldn't be rescued in time. She is flying back to Uzbekistan this week.

 

I heard this from my best friend who (she is a Ukrainian girl whom I had a romantic friendship with but we never officially went out but I "left" her for my ex) thought I disappeared and was wondering what happened to me, so she contacted my ex to find out my whereabouts, and my ex was also very worried for me because she thought something bad happened to me apparantely. How ironic. After which, she kept telling my friend to update her if there is any news of me and then she broke this news to her. She also told my friend that I won't want to hear from her anymore, which is far from the truth because I've always hoped to hear from her again. But she told my friend she won't call me.

 

What should I do now? Should I break NC and reach out to her? This is horrible and I'm just shocked. I can't even imagine the pain she is going through right now.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Armageddon

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for all the replies guys.

 

Just to give an update on my situation. Something terrible happened to my ex-girlfriend. There was an accident in her house. A fire broke out at night when everyone was sleeping, her 91 years old grandmother died as she couldn't be rescued in time. She is flying back to Uzbekistan this week.

 

I heard this from my best friend who (she is a Ukrainian girl whom I had a romantic friendship with but we never officially went out but I "left" her for my ex) thought I disappeared and was wondering what happened to me, so she contacted my ex to find out my whereabouts, and my ex was also very worried for me because she thought something bad happened to me apparantely. How ironic. After which, she kept telling my friend to update her if there is any news of me and then she broke this news to her. She also told my friend that I won't want to hear from her anymore, which is far from the truth because I've always hoped to hear from her again. But she told my friend she won't call me.

 

What should I do now? Should I break NC and reach out to her? This is horrible and I'm just shocked. I can't even imagine the pain she is going through right now.

 

No.

 

At most, send your thoughts through the friend.

 

Given the track record here, I would not be so quick to buy this story.

[Amelie1980]

No.

 

At most, send your thoughts through the friend.

 

Given the track record here, I would not be so quick to buy this story.

 

I think this is an epic troll.

 

We should all stop replying I think. It's fuelling it more.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Amelie1980

[Armageddon]

I think this is an epic troll.

 

We should all stop replying I think. It's fuelling it more.

 

Please leave if you have nothing constructive to say. I expected this from you but this is too much. You are seriously pissing me off.

[Armageddon]

No.

 

At most, send your thoughts through the friend.

 

Given the track record here, I would not be so quick to buy this story.

 

From what I know, she loves her family especially her mum and grandmother. I don't think she will make up such an absurd lie, especially when it involves a death of a loved one.