When do A's become M's and last?

[Got it]

Was this another A or was this with the AP that you eventually married?

 

This was one affair and my AP whom I married.

 

So was this an actual NC or did you stay in touch while giving him a year before you parted for good?

 

It was NC though limited communication. I had started to date others (funny stories there, lol). As it was about 6 months until he separated.

 

AP and I both had parents who were happily married for decades and I think we both sense that we'd have that kind of marriage if we got together. One of our running jokes whenever we talk about health issues is that we'll have to put up with each other for the next 59 years. (I dunno why 59...some arbitrary number she picked lol.) But you're right, no matter how much it "makes sense", it's still hard and scary to do. That's why I want to give her a lot more time to maybe sort it out if she's going to or give the marriage more time to fail. We haven't been dating that long and right now the relationship's been built on the immediate things, like chemistry and attraction and attachment. Once endurance and history play into it, I'm sure it's going to be tougher for her to be without me.

 

 

 

I can relate to this.

 

 

 

Was one year arbitrary or were there some factors that went into it? Did your AP have children to consider or was it just he and his spouse?

 

When we started the affair we discussed where each person stood in their situation. Being a very analytical person, I pressed to hammer out, for lack of a better term, contract that went over expectations, communication, timeline agreed by both parties, etc. I wanted to make sure that we understood the other, what they could and couldn't do, and what they needed to make this relationship a happy/satisfying one. So it covered contact, overnights, trips, etc. And it covered my allowance of a year to get his ducks in a row. I knew myself and I could not see the affair going on longer than that and me being happy. We were both welcome to renegotiate at any time but that was our expectation and allowance at that point. I was not in an affair to be in an affair; I was in it for him. So there was an end date in my heart and head as I was not interested in being in an affair as a lifestyle choice.

 

Before she told me she was okay with the situation (which wasn't new--she told me on the rendezvous; I'm just hardheaded), I was starting to lean on her too much. Now I'm trying not to while still trying to enjoy what we have. I've always known a relationship is better when two people can stand on their own and come together rather than leaning on each other. If you lean on each other, there has to be balance or someone gives way and you both fall.

 

 

 

So the big question on my mind right now is...should I consider local extracurricular activities as long as I avoid any commitments? It could be months before I could meet AP again. At first, I was considering looking into this quite a bit, but the more I think about it the more I feel like I'd be missing the point of this new season of my life. Plus, I'm not sure the AP would like it. On the one hand, I feel like she doesn't have room to talk, but then again if she's going to be hurt then she does have that room.

 

I believe, if you are going to move forward and be single then you dating, or moving on is in the cards. It is your call, definitely, but we need to be our own best advocates. If she is asking you to compromise on her marital status then she may need to compromise on your dating status. You are worrying about her feelings but is she giving you the same regard?

[Got it]

@GotIt - Is your story on here? I would love to read about it.

 

I am sure somewhere and bits and pieces. Happy to go into more detail if you so desire.

[tronprogram]

Tron,

 

My suggestion is to stay within the parameters of the open relationship you agreed upon with your wife and try to see if that really meets your needs. If it does not then realize divorces is your only option or your child may grow up in a dysfunctional home if he or she senses mommy and daddy do not love each other.

 

But remember your situation with the MW is more of a legal obstacle than anything right now. Her H4 will not permit her to work (except in very very very limited circumstances) and her stay in the US is entirely dependent upon her husband. Upon the finalization of their divorce, her stay in the US will become unlawful.

 

The only way she could stay is the US without leaving is marrying a US citizen or permanent resident. That is a huge step for any couple. But what makes your situation particularly impossible is you are married. You would need to be divorced before both of you could even contemplate marriage.

 

These are very very very big decisions with enormous permanent consequences. What is her country/culture's view on divorce? What happens if she has to go back? There are some countries and cultures where men kill their sisters/daughters out of shame when found she was cheating on her husband.

 

I am not saying it is impossible but this would take a lot of planning and coordinating to achieve this relationship. After truly considering the undertaking, are you both ready to make this commitment that will result in permanent consequences regardless of its success? You may right now. But if she is not even willingly to talk about it that says a lot of where she is at mentally about her ability to commit her effort/life to doing this.

 

For all of those reasons, I think you should focus on you. If you realize you want more than an open relationship then divorce your wife. Always put your child first in any future considerations. But if she is ready down the road, you can decide if you are still there at that time. But the time is now to set yourself up for your future and prepare for the birth of your child. You can only hope she follows. I am sorry it turned out this way.

 

Best of Luck,

OneLov

 

Thanks, OneLov. My wife isn't open to the open relationship anymore and my AP is more concerned about the emotional aspect of leaving than the immigration aspect at this point. In any case, my intent is definitely to focus on myself.

[tronprogram]

When we started the affair we discussed where each person stood in their situation. Being a very analytical person, I pressed to hammer out, for lack of a better term, contract that went over expectations, communication, timeline agreed by both parties, etc. I wanted to make sure that we understood the other, what they could and couldn't do, and what they needed to make this relationship a happy/satisfying one. So it covered contact, overnights, trips, etc. And it covered my allowance of a year to get his ducks in a row. I knew myself and I could not see the affair going on longer than that and me being happy. We were both welcome to renegotiate at any time but that was our expectation and allowance at that point. I was not in an affair to be in an affair; I was in it for him. So there was an end date in my heart and head as I was not interested in being in an affair as a lifestyle choice.

 

This is really good. I think you articulate everything I'm thinking and want out of this. It makes me hopeful that my relationship will work out too.

 

I believe, if you are going to move forward and be single then you dating, or moving on is in the cards. It is your call, definitely, but we need to be our own best advocates. If she is asking you to compromise on her marital status then she may need to compromise on your dating status. You are worrying about her feelings but is she giving you the same regard?

 

This is an excellent point. I'm hesitant to bring this up, though, because when we first started talking, I was talking to several people online. I didn't hide that fact, but as we got closer, she got more jealous of them and felt like she wasn't that special to me. So I broke off contact with those people. Even the ones I wasn't really flirting with. I'm not sure how she'd handle me saying that I wanted to put myself back on the market without marketing myself.

 

In a surprising turn of events last night, her husband spent the night in a hotel room. At first, she was paranoid that he'd found out about us, but later he said that something she said made him upset after he'd had a tough week--which she didn't realize. What she'd said was actually pretty innocuous, but he overreacted. Sounds like he's coming back today, though. She says it's the first time he's spent the night in a hotel over something like this. She doesn't think he's seeing anyone, but she and I hope he is.

Edited November 14, 2015 by tronprogram

[Got it]

This is really good. I think you articulate everything I'm thinking and want out of this. It makes me hopeful that my relationship will work out too.

 

 

 

This is an excellent point. I'm hesitant to bring this up, though, because when we first started talking, I was talking to several people online. I didn't hide that fact, but as we got closer, she got more jealous of them and felt like she wasn't that special to me. So I broke off contact with those people. Even the ones I wasn't really flirting with. I'm not sure how she'd handle me saying that I wanted to put myself back on the market without marketing myself.

 

In a surprising turn of events last night, her husband spent the night in a hotel room. At first, she was paranoid that he'd found out about us, but later he said that something she said made him upset after he'd had a tough week--which she didn't realize. What she'd said was actually pretty innocuous, but he overreacted. Sounds like he's coming back today, though. She says it's the first time he's spent the night in a hotel over something like this. She doesn't think he's seeing anyone, but she and I hope he is.

 

Tron, most likely she isn't going to like you dating. But that isn't your baby to rock, it's hers. To not have you date others, once you are single, is for her to be single and give you a committed relationship. If she can't do that then it's no dice. If there are negative feelings about it then she should do something about it. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Right?

 

And in regards to her husband and the hotel, please, my best advice is to ask her not to tell you. I think these things are/may get your hopes up and what I see is someone who is actively trying to keep their own affair hidden with a very passive view of "maybe life will just make it all work out for me". I would commit to your mind, at this point she is where she wants to be, she is offering you an affair and that is it. Really focus on the reality of this as you are possibly painting fantasies in your mind as is she. But she isn't going anywhere and she is focused on keeping the status quo.

 

Don't let her jerk your emotions around with this stuff please.

[tronprogram]

Well, MW and I mutually decided to call things off last night. It just didn't feel like the circumstances were going to permit us to work things out right now and it was stressing us out pretty badly. So before we started resenting each other and destroying our future chances of getting back together, we ended it.

 

Not really sure if we're going to go NC. I don't want to, but it's probably going to be tough if we don't.

[Ms. Faust]

It's probably best you focus on your unborn daughter rather than getting this woman her green card anyway.

 

Priorities.