olivebranch Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 I wish you could see things from another perspective... Other people's, and not just your own selfish, destructive one. I wish it were safe to love you. I wish you didn't feel the need to lash out and use abusive language, with anyone- especially loved ones (to which group I hoped and thought I may have possibly belonged.) I wish I could talk to you like the friend I thought you were, tell you how I feel- that it would be safe and appropriate to do so... But it's too painful, and it's neither safe nor correct. I guess I'll just save this, then. No sending, no matter what. I thought you were the same person you showed me, the person I thought you were when... I know I'm confused too, that I can't do anything right by contacting you... But I want to so bad. I was saving my heart and body, it was so stupid to think you were done with your marriage and believe that so quickly as I looked into your eyes. I believed you. But I'm just the other woman, not a real person with feelings and eyes filled with tears. I disrupted your marriage and it hurts and is so confusing. I tried to set limits but I was desperate for your affection and concerned in a way for you and thought we 'needed' each other... That it was something real. That you were real. It hurt so much when we would get to be together for some hours and you would go home afterwards to your real life. Because I'm not real... I'm not enough, or perhaps I am too much- both. But I'm not real, I don't exist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 You do exist... You need to stop existing for him. Stop writing like a begging , pleading , helpless woman. You are NOT. Start living for yourself and get him out of your life. Poppy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Don't live in a burning house. Just leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Yeah, I'm working through those parts of myself that led me here. It's why I didn't send. Thank you for the honesty... I felt much better this a.m. Just wading through emotions. It involves me allowing myself to be vulnerable and soft but you two are correct in that I'm better than fine without him and his chaotic lifestyle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 It's amazing how one person can have a crazy hold on you to the point where you don't recognize yourself anymore. I have felt, done and said things completely out of character for me and I am sick about it. I can assure you that these deep emotions will fade with time. I recently had a momentary relapse and am working hard to snap out of it. I was successful the first time around and was getting healthier and happier and I don't doubt I will get there again. I will never get him to care and love me the way I want him to and you shouldn't have to "make" someone do that. I have made a conscious effort of not thinking about how dispensable he made me feel. It's him, not you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 While I really do value the honesty of the others, and need it… It is so refreshing to have a soft response to all the pain that is in my heart expressed. I really do benefit from both the raw, bare bones 'snap out of it' hard truth and then to have balance in your reply is oh so very helpful… thank you for your care. sincerely, olive. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Hi Olive, I will be another "soft reply." Your post nearly brought me to tears because I related to so much of what you wrote. Please remember that you do exist. And someday you'll be in a relationship with someone who is willing to make you their whole world, as you deserve. Sending you lots of love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Some days I wish I didn't exist. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know that many of us have felt much like you do. Just know you are not alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Olive darling you are here with us. Get it all out. Start a journal and fill it. Xx NL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 awesome, thanks for the support ! i've been making some playlists to help process these emotions today, and tidying up around my place. in with the good out with the bad- sending love back to you all. we'll make it through- no doubt. xx Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Then there's a pair of us, don't tell! They'd banish us, you know Many of us, myself included, have been in the dark and lonely place where you are. It can feel suffocating, but it does help to let it out, so please continue to do so. (hugs) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Your words made me very sad too and makes me think of the OW even more. It's what she told me often and we would spend hours everyday for a year dealing with those words and pain. The mess we get ourselves into. I'm sorry. Good luck and best wishes to you and the ow I want to stop hurting as well. You are somebody! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 He's nobody too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ophelia25 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I identify with not feeling "real." I'm this shadow, this fun diversion from his routine, "house in the suburbs with two dogs and two kids" life. He can play with me for a little while, feel wanted and appreciated and sexy and loved and desired, and then go back into his normal life and be a dutiful husband who makes dinner and drives the kids around and takes care of everyone. I, on the other hand, though I have a "life" of sorts, have no children, a fairly non-involved job, a quiet husband who lives on his phone and hangs out in the bathroom, and many, many long hours of trying to put my mind on other things. I don't feel like have a "real" existence outside of this fantasy relationship, it's the only thing that makes me feel alive. And it's so stupid. And so very painful. And the advice is always to get out and do things! Ugh. Doing things exhausts me to no end because of how hard I have to try to not wish he was there and wish I was with him (wow, that sounds like a lame desperate idiot, doesn't it?) Go outside, they say! Into the beautiful fall warmth and try to smile when I think about him pretending with his family to be all perfect and wonderful and honest and they believe him and I'm alone. Spend time with friends, they say! And I have to put on this fake smile and laugh at their jokes and act like I'm not dying inside and it makes me so tired. Oops, didn't mean to wax all "it's about me!" - I suppose that's sort of what these things are for, though. Talk to the screen, to others, instead of to those we are trying to leave alone. I do understand, though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 Ophelia, i feel ya. i also never in all of eternity would have thought i'd ever get involved with someone's H. but he was sooo convincing and so believable… and their divorce was "so filed" and they were "so over…" and i so never saw what was coming- any of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 also wish i could come up with a better reply. you totally nailed it. and i'm thankful you shared- olive. Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I, on the other hand, though I have a "life" of sorts, have no children, a fairly non-involved job, a quiet husband who lives on his phone and hangs out in the bathroom, and many, many long hours of trying to put my mind on other things. Are you being sarcastic and meant your MM, or you are married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 sounds like Ophelia is married as well i think. Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 (edited) sounds like Ophelia is married as well i think. ok. Excuse me I mixed that up with your posts. Different person Edited November 9, 2015 by Dylon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 But I'm not trying to speak for her- it's just how I read it/what I gathered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author olivebranch Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 yeah, he's a real creep. i'm 100% certain of that now and the projected fantasies are fading into nothing. i've got plenty to examine and process, in the mean time. sometimes i'm sure i'll feel like romanticizing… others i can take a more detached approach. live and learn. c'est la vie, olive. Link to post Share on other sites
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