Gwwm123 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Today is her birthday and I just broke down, we separated November 8th 2012. That is the day I stopped being sane, I feel depressed almost everyday, I feel alone, I no longer enjoy things the way I did before that date. Every time I go out with my friends they all have their partner and I always end up being a prime number in the group, I feel like an imbecile each time that happens so I am stopping that immediately. I feel completely helpless, hopeless, joyless. Sometimes I feel that I don't want to live anymore, but I believe above all that taking your life is not the answer. If anyone who is suicidal is reading this please please, don't do it. You only live once. Even if the pain is too much to take, even if you feel the way I do, remember those you will leave behind suffering your loss. This is what I wrote down, the one thing I wish she would read: What is it about this night that makes it so gloomy? The wind is the only one that speaks to me, the pounding in my chest seems not to stop. A ceasefire I need, for this war that goes on in my head. It does not stop, it only intensifies. How do I make my mind forget you? How can I return a smile to bright sunny day? How do I fall asleep without thinking you should be there? I am slowly falling into an abyss which does not seem to have an end. All because we crossed paths and decided to walk together for a short while. I see people holding hands, the occasional affection, the constant search for the tingling in the stomach. I am a spectator. I try to think about those who are worst off than me, to entertain the thought that I should be thankful for having such good fortune. It doesn't work, more miserable I feel. I know I did nothing wrong, but I believe I didn't do enough. I should have tried harder, tried a steady hand, be more challenging, not so complacent. Regrets are many. We cannot change who we are, we can only accommodate, and that is where I truly failed. I tried to tear down that wall you surrounded yourself with to the best of my abilities. It wasn't enough. Not being able to demolish it shows that I not only failed you, I failed myself. I promised I would, I was sure of it. The disappointment lives in me like a parasite on a host. It eats my self-confidence, it drains my defiant demeanor, it leaves me hopeless. I am broken, beat and deeply scared. What about you? I dont know, but it feels you simply moved on from me, but not from that dungeon your mind has confined you to. You dont want rescuing, you dont want compassion. I want to achieve the impossible. I want to believe in the future we will cross paths again, and maybe this time it wont be a short walk, but a long one which we enjoy until we expire. For now I have no other choice but to keep going, feeling weights on my shoulders, the memory of you following me. I will keep improving, I will keep practicing, I will keep learning, I will keep taking care of my family, I will keep being true to myself, my principles, my morals, my way thinking even though I have no one to share it with in this veil of of tears, estranged from love. I miss you J.
didithappen Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I'm sorry about this OP. It sounds like you are in the throes of depression caused by the breakup. After 3-4 months post-breakup depression can still be normal. But three years is verging into clinical depression. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain, you are not at fault; but you do have a responsibility and the means to make it better. You should see a psychologist/psychiatrist to sort things out. There is a treatment for this. I know what your going through. I'm depressed right now and just learned that my ex of 2 months was cheating. Right now I don't have the will to live but am going to get help. You can too. 1
Itspointless Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Hi Gwwm123, for me it was this week two years ago that she broke up. I still miss her too, but most of the time I feel normal. I think I see why you still feel like this. You should read your own post again and try seeing how critical and harsh you are about yourself. Have you ever given yourself some space to grieve without blaming yourself? What didithappen writes about depression seems correct to me. I think you would be helped with a therapist who helps you to come into acceptance with yourself. And no unfortunately we should not want to save others (I know that trap). I am happy that you are strong-willed, but you should bend that harshness to yourself into kindness and wanting to help yourself. Perhaps you should start that today with doing some nice things for yourself and saying a couples times: 'I am a good guy and deserve to be happy'.
Zapbasket Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I'm sorry you don't have peace. It's hard to miss someone for so long. What caused the breakup?
Author Gwwm123 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Thank you for your kinds words everyone! I am going to consider seeing a therapist, my life is being drained by this woman with no end in sight. I broke up with her because she just did not seem as involved as I was in relationship after she repeatedly said she would change. She never changed, I gave her all I could have and treated her as a Queen. She has her own issues as well, her dad is an alcoholic and her mother abandoned her when she was young, she simply does not know how to show love since nobody in her family with the exception of her sister has. I just want to move on.....I cant help her..
didithappen Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Thank you for your kinds words everyone! I am going to consider seeing a therapist, my life is being drained by this woman with no end in sight. I broke up with her because she just did not seem as involved as I was in relationship after she repeatedly said she would change. She never changed, I gave her all I could have and treated her as a Queen. She has her own issues as well, her dad is an alcoholic and her mother abandoned her when she was young, she simply does not know how to show love since nobody in her family with the exception of her sister has. I just want to move on.....I cant help her.. Good for you man. Remember there is nothing cowardly about seeing a therapist, in fact, if you are struggling it's one of the most responsible things that you can do. Also if your up to it maybe start playing the field a little bit. I bet if you find the right girl your pain will be reversed and you will forget about her in no time. Also I messed up my last post, I meant to say my ex of two *years*, not months. If it were so, I would have moved on long ago haha.
Itspointless Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I broke up with her because she just did not seem as involved as I was in relationship after she repeatedly said she would change. She never changed, I gave her all I could have and treated her as a Queen. She has her own issues as well, her dad is an alcoholic and her mother abandoned her when she was young, she simply does not know how to show love since nobody in her family with the exception of her sister has. I just want to move on.....I cant help her.. Her issues seem to be old survival strategies. You might want to read about attachment-styles (adult attachment theory), also for an understanding about yourself. 1
Armageddon Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I'm sorry to hear that you are still in so much pain after 3 years. I'm into Day 26 of NC and I miss my ex terribly but after what I did, I know she will never ever come back to me. Never mind coming back to me, I will probably never hear from her again. I'm feeling suicidal now and I'm seeking professional help now. My ex has a somewhat similar childhood to your ex. Her dad is an alcoholic and he committed suicide 9 years ago because of her. As a result, she blamed herself for her father's death and she treats every man as a tool so she is incapable of love. She even admitted to me that her heart is locked. Which made me all the more upset, after breaking up with me, she got a new boyfriend 3 days later. I went to see a hypnotherapist over the weekend and my hypnotherapist told me that one of her clients still missed his ex after 8 years and he recovered after 6 sessions. I suggest you should to check out hypnotherapy, it might help.
Itspointless Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 My ex has a somewhat similar childhood to your ex. Her dad is an alcoholic and he committed suicide 9 years ago because of her. As a result, she blamed herself for her father's death and she treats every man as a tool so she is incapable of love. She even admitted to me that her heart is locked. Hi Armageddon, I shouldn't write it here but in your thread. I still have the feeling that you unfortunately fell for a criminal scheme, but this explains some things of her side. It is hard to accept, but sometimes we have to ...
Armageddon Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Hi Armageddon, I shouldn't write it here but in your thread. I still have the feeling that you unfortunately fell for a criminal scheme, but this explains some things of her side. It is hard to accept, but sometimes we have to ... Believe me, I didn't fell for a criminal scheme. You will understand when I explain to you my story in my thread. Explains some things of her side? Like what exactly? I have already accepted the breakup.
Itspointless Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 (edited) Believe me, I didn't fell for a criminal scheme. You will understand when I explain to you my story in my thread. Explains some things of her side? Like what exactly? I have already accepted the breakup. OK. I have read your story yesterday. I mean psychology and child development. things that happen when we grow up have a huge influence on how we react later in life, especially to things like attachment (relationships) and danger, or stress. Even many things where people are labeled as having a personality disorder are sometimes just not the case. We like to medicalize in the western world, while attachment-styles or for example ptsd point to other directions. Edited November 9, 2015 by Itspointless
Author Gwwm123 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 Thank you once again everyone, I feel I am just stuck and cant bring myself to go to a therapist, I think time will make me feel better eventually.
Notsosuperhero Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I'm sorry to hear you going through this. I would suggest going to see a professional because it's really horrible to feel this way, I know I've been down that road. But never, ever blame yourself for not being able to break down someone's wall, that is not your responsibility it is only their problem they couldn't let you in. Don't be so hard on yourself, if you didn't do a lot wrong then you know what that means? It means you gave it your all, and for some people its never enough, but again it's not on you it's their own hang ups and issues. Be strong, the best way is to be a good person do things for you not for her, know it can be hard I'm in that state right now but there's a lot of the world out there don't turn on it, embrace it!
makemineamac Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Why? There is no reason not to go, so why exactly? How are you 'stuck' exactly? I'm being honest in saying that 3 years after you relationship has ended you should be on stable ground. But your clearly not. There's nothing wrong with seeking help, it will help send you in a new direction, something you apparently need, and will help provide a baseline for your future. You really need to do this, for your own sanity and for a successful and meaningful future.
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