I'm Afraid I Screwed Up My Daughter

[MissCongeniality]

I was a teen mom I had her when I was fifteen. I worked my fingers to the bone dropped out of school and did things I'm not proud of. I sometimes would well we use to live in a crappy motel and the man who ran it was a sleaze if I was ever behind on rent he'd look the other way if I did things for him.

 

There were times when I'd find myself unemployed with no money and to keep food on the table I'd steal. I was raised in a foster home and terrified of her having the same experiences as me so I never saw giving her up as an option. I eventually met a guy got married and gave her a better life. I sometimes think I don't deserve him because of the secrets I keep.

 

She's thirteen now and is not doing well. She's getting into trouble and stealing. My husband doesn't even know why she's doing this the truth is she picked up these bad habits from me and I don't know how to tell her she's wrong because starting out I told her it was okay to break the rules if it meant staying alive and part of me still stands by that.

 

I'm not the most emotional person I think objectively and my daughter calls me the Ice Queen because of it. I realize I don't come off as the most loving person but it doesn't mean I don't love her. I'm just afraid she doesn't understand that if I act detached it's because I know no other way it's how I survived and I'm not good at opening up to people.

 

I blame myself for not showing much affection I'm not sure why I just... I let her know I care but I never had money for things like toys and other things. I sometimes went days without food and I'd always justify telling her to do something with "Because I said so!"

 

I took a lot of risks in the beginning and I feel like I'm falling a part right now. I've always had this thought that if I could raise her get her out into the world nothing else would matter not even myself but now I'm worried I failed as a mother.

 

The worst part is I've had three other kids since I got married and my parenting style is very different now. Mostly because I'm not desperate every single day and I'm not a kid anymore. My daughter does not like her younger siblings and her personality is very different from theirs she's like a punk rocker and is trying to dress trashy I don't let her but she cuts her clothes and it's just I can't even. Even her personality is bitchy and the fact that she's emulating my younger self is not lost on me.

 

There's actually a small part of me that's kind of proud she's emulating me but it's out weighed by the part that's matured from a terrified street kid and just wants to be a good mother. The thing that just outright shocked me was when I confronted her about why she acts the way she does and screamed "It use to be just us! Not them! Or your husband! Just us! Before any of them you use to say it was okay to do bad if it was for good now it's just be good!"

 

I admit that's my fault I use to justify my actions to her by saying it was okay to do something bad if it was for a good cause. Like keeping us from going hungry. I'm afraid she doesn't feel like she's part of the family because I'm more open with her siblings and spoil them more and her step dad doesn't help either because they don't get along. I don't know what it is but there's not a day that goes by where he doesn't get on her about her style of dress and or a day where she crosses her arms sticks her tongue out at him and says "Bite me jackass."

 

How do I fix things? Is it beyond repair or is she a normal teenager?

Edited November 8, 2015 by MissCongeniality

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I know a now-30-ish product of an environment not too far off of what I sense you to have been describing.

 

She doesn't have a single thing to do with her mother, and hasn't seen the woman in years, even though they live in the same area.

 

 

Both mom and (now-adult) daughter know all about what they had to do to survive... and too often the daughter ended up having to do it for the both of them.

 

 

I've known that daughter for most of a decade, and I know her to be a really intelligent woman... who did very well in college calculus, etc. ... aaa-aaaand I know her to have known a lifestyle very different to what many moms envision for their daughters.

 

Despite the mother's habitual screw-ups, and the depths to which the daughter was sometimes made to go, in order to offset the impact of those screw-ups... the daughter is now a married mother of a young child, who could support herself if need be.

 

But the woman I know still refuses to have anything to do with her own mother, who wasn't too unlike you.

 

 

So why don't you fast-forward your life about 15 years, and figure out what you will likely want THEN... and IF you decide you want any contact with that future adult daughter... then how about you alter your game plan in the present so you will have the first hope of getting to whatever shared future you might envision.

 

And if you can see/find a path from your daughter's present to college calculus then it wouldn't hurt her to have that, to fall back on.

[xxoo]

Connection before correction. Do you get 1:1 time with your daughter? It's really important to nurture the connection and have time that is just for her with no siblings or step dad around.

 

With that foundation, correct the behavior. Saying, "bite me, Jackass" to any member of the family needs correction. She could lose an evening out with friends. You spend the evening with her personally. Make clear rules and enforce them. Choose consequences that make sense and give them out consistently. Be loving toward her even when she's being punished. Connection before correction.

 

Finally, have the adult conversation with her and ask her forgiveness for the early years. Admit your regrets (the things she knows about and is emulating), and tell her your hopes for yourself and a for her. Tell her that, now that you don't need to do those things to survive, you consider those things wrong, and that you've worked hard to provide a life so that she can have better options.

 

Connection, correction, consistency, and communication. The teen years are hard under the best of circumstances.

[MissCongeniality]

Connection before correction. Do you get 1:1 time with your daughter? It's really important to nurture the connection and have time that is just for her with no siblings or step dad around.

 

With that foundation, correct the behavior. Saying, "bite me, Jackass" to any member of the family needs correction. She could lose an evening out with friends. You spend the evening with her personally. Make clear rules and enforce them. Choose consequences that make sense and give them out consistently. Be loving toward her even when she's being punished. Connection before correction.

 

Finally, have the adult conversation with her and ask her forgiveness for the early years. Admit your regrets (the things she knows about and is emulating), and tell her your hopes for yourself and a for her. Tell her that, now that you don't need to do those things to survive, you consider those things wrong, and that you've worked hard to provide a life so that she can have better options.

 

Connection, correction, consistency, and communication. The teen years are hard under the best of circumstances.

I use to spend lots of time with her she actually loved being around me but our relationship altered drastically when I met her step dad and started walking the straight and narrow. She was real young and I was pretty much just a kid myself but I definitely could have done better in the beginning.

 

Now we're not close so much anymore between my job and raising her siblings and spending time with my husband we don't get much time together. Things were once very good between us and now it's like the only time she opens her mouth is to scream and yell at me. At first she was quiet gave me and her step dad dirty looks and when I'd ask what was wrong she'd say "Nothing I don't want to talk about it." She doesn't really have friends I don't think, she's always been a loner at school according to her teachers.

 

Then as her siblings got older she started giving them dirty looks and she can be a bit of a bully but if some other bully comes a long and kicks or punches them she loses it. It's like she thinks she is the only one who can treat them badly she pushes them, pinches them, takes their favorite toys, but nothing else. They are 6, 7, and 8

 

Every time I confront her about her behavior she slams the door in my face and locks herself in her room with the music on extremely loud.

Edited November 9, 2015 by MissCongeniality

[lollipopspot]

I'm not the most emotional person I think objectively and my daughter calls me the Ice Queen because of it. I realize I don't come off as the most loving person but it doesn't mean I don't love her. I'm just afraid she doesn't understand that if I act detached it's because I know no other way it's how I survived and I'm not good at opening up to people.

 

I think you need to stop using "I know no other way it's how I survived" as an excuse for not acting more loving towards your daughter (in your words). That's no longer applicable, and for your daughter's sake you ought best to stop acting "detached" from her. She clearly needs you. So learn another way, fast. There isn't much time before she's out of the house. Go to counseling together. Work on yourself.

 

If I were her, I would probably resent the step siblings too, under these circumstances.

[Grumpybutfun]

Find a pediatric counselor and go to therapy with her. Tell her it isn't a request. Stop trying to be her friend and be her parent. You did what you had to, and now you can do better. Let her know she hasn't been replaced by your new "perfect" family. She is feeling left out and pushing you all further away because she doesn't want to feel so angry. You both have attachment issues and your common ground which was "us against the word" was important to her because she feel a connection with you. My teen daughter was a hand full...yet, even if my wife and I were exhausted and fed up, we made sure that rewards were only given or kept if she treated others in our family with respect. The name calling and bullying has to stop....you need help so get it. Get with a counselor and give her a choice to go with you or to go by herself. When she starts getting better, her therapist will schedule family appointments between you two.

 

Most of all.....give her love...unconditional love...hugs and notes and praise for things she tries to do well. My adopted daughter was so angry at her biological drug addled mom that she oozed it out onto us. We would smile gently and say....we love you, you won't ever push us away, we will always be here for you, we will not ever abandon you, you are our world, we appreciate you and are so happy you were brought into our lives. She would have screaming fits and I would gently wrap her in my arms while she beat me severely and I would hold her tight until she would just sink into me and cry. I fell asleep many times in my armchair like that when she was three to twelve.

 

Later, in her teens, she would rage and cry, and all I had to do was open my arms and we would lay in the same armchair while she cried. Your child is screaming for understanding about her pain, about being replaced and about not feeling important or connected to you anymore. You can change that with boundaries (for ex. my daughter could be angry and act out with me but not her siblings or her mother and her issues never gave her an excuse to not do her best in life ) and forging a connection (my daughter needed me to convince her she was special and poppy would never leave her over and over and over.) I know this is tough.

Best of luck,

Grumps

Edited November 9, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[basil67]

I agree that the two of you need to get into family therapy pronto.

 

In the meantime, you must MAKE time for her. When was the last time the two of you went shopping together? Or to the movies?

 

Also, I noticed that you said that you "confront" her over her behaviour. Whatever you do, DON'T confront. It only makes them pull the shutters down futher.

 

All that acting out is a symptom of bad stuff happening in her head. So instead of addressing the behaviour, address what's behind the behaviour. If she's angry, ask more about how she's feeling. You need to be her soft place to fall. Now that doesn't mean she should get away with appalling behaviour, but before you react, stop and ask about what's happening in her life.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's possible that your daughter misses that survival stage where she possibly felt most connected to you. It's very understandable about what you did to survive but I think it has somehow been glorified in your daughter's mind. I think it's imperative that you get very close to her, that you and her speak frankly about your past, and that you make it clear to her that the days of having to steal are gone because you both have a better life now. She also needs to understand how extremely hard that life was for you and how all you wanted was that the two of you get a better life. But now that you have it, she's disrespecting it.

 

There is nothing to replace love and affection to keep your kids connected to you. Make time to be with her a lot. Hug and kiss her hello and goodbye. She may resist it sometimes but she'll come around. You can't be an ice woman with her. You can do that outside your family but it doesn't work inside your family. You seem to give a lot of importance to material things but, again, nothing comes close to real affection. Bring your daughter back before she goes off the deep end.

 

Btw, good for you for surviving and turning your life around. You did what you had to do and, while you don't want to broadcast it to the world, deep inside your heart, you must know that you did the best you could to survive under some very difficult circumstances, where you had no family support. Your daughter needs to understand that, needs to understand the importance of the people around her.

 

One thing that you can do for all of your children is each year at the holidays, take them to a place where they can do volunteer work. It will bring all of you closer and remind everyone about what they have.

[MissCongeniality]

I think it's possible that your daughter misses that survival stage where she possibly felt most connected to you. It's very understandable about what you did to survive but I think it has somehow been glorified in your daughter's mind. I think it's imperative that you get very close to her, that you and her speak frankly about your past, and that you make it clear to her that the days of having to steal are gone because you both have a better life now. She also needs to understand how extremely hard that life was for you and how all you wanted was that the two of you get a better life. But now that you have it, she's disrespecting it.

 

There is nothing to replace love and affection to keep your kids connected to you. Make time to be with her a lot. Hug and kiss her hello and goodbye. She may resist it sometimes but she'll come around. You can't be an ice woman with her. You can do that outside your family but it doesn't work inside your family. You seem to give a lot of importance to material things but, again, nothing comes close to real affection. Bring your daughter back before she goes off the deep end.

 

Btw, good for you for surviving and turning your life around. You did what you had to do and, while you don't want to broadcast it to the world, deep inside your heart, you must know that you did the best you could to survive under some very difficult circumstances, where you had no family support. Your daughter needs to understand that, needs to understand the importance of the people around her.

 

One thing that you can do for all of your children is each year at the holidays, take them to a place where they can do volunteer work. It will bring all of you closer and remind everyone about what they have.

I think she does have a different view of how are life use to be. I think she has glorified it in her mind and I don't know why. That was not a fun time in my life. I don't tell her this but there were many times I gave sex for money and danced on a poll I've also done some adult films. That's why I've developed and have learned to maintain my Ice Queen exterior with people I get called a stone cold bitch a lot but the truth inside I can barely keep myself together.

 

I remember once I was sneaking food into my purse and she's like "But the funny thing(some kids show she use to watch I can't remember) on the TV said stealing is wrong." I was in a hurry and freaking out about getting caught so I knelt down looked her in the eye and said "Well we live in the real world and in the real world sometimes you have to do things others don't consider to be right. But only if you absolutely have to."

 

I would go back and do things differently if I could my actions were reckless and selfish. I don't condone that kind of behavior and if I could speak to my younger self I'd be very critical. Was I a bad mother?

[anika99]

I actually have been on both sides of this coin. When I was small my mother was a drug using prostitute. To be fair she did her best to keep her lifestyle away from me, which is why I usually didn't live with her. I often lived with my grandparents and sometimes I got sent to live with strangers. Not foster parents or bad people just people my mom knew who were more responsible than her and she thought they would take better care of me. These people never hurt me but they didn't love me like their own child and I felt the absence of a mothers love. I had a lot of freedom, especially when I lived with my mom or my grandma, as there didn't seem to be many rules. I remember being 8 yrs old and pretty much taking care of myself. When I was 10 my mom got married to another drug user and then shortly after they both became holy roller Christians and immediately put me in lockdown. Meaning suddenly they were imposing rules and paying attention to everything I was doing and that freaked me out because I was already so independent. When I was 13 my mom proceeded to get pregnant twice and had two sons. I adored my brothers but like your daughter I had to sit and watch them be loved and spoiled and get everything I didn't get. When I started to rebel my mom and my controlling stepfather would yell at me and punish and ask me over and over again why I was behaving that way. I didn't know why. I couldn't articulate at that age how badly my mom had messed me up. Since I couldn't give them a mature well thought out reasonable answer to their stupid questions they concluded that it must be that I was just being a bad kid and the punishments became more severe.

 

At 16 years old I left home and got pregnant. Had my first child just a few days after my 17th birthday. Then I went on to make many of the same mistakes my mom made. I never did drugs or turned to prostitution or theft but I certainly didn't have the skills to be a good mom. We were dirt poor, could barely make it from one month to the next and my poor son rarely got anything special. No cool toys, no trendy name brand clothes, no vacations, no extracurricular sports or activities because no money. Worse I was out trying to find my mr. right and not giving my son the love and attention he deserved and I also had another baby that took time away from him. By the time I was 30 I had matured a lot and I wanted to be a good mom but the damage was already done. My oldest son was now a teenager and he rebelled big time. Got a girl pregnant when he was only 15 even though he was a boy he kept our legacy of being teenage parents alive (unfortunately), he dropped out of school, became openly hostile and hateful towards me and his brother. He started pulling himself together after he got to be around 20, now he's married and somehow has made himself into a wonderful husband and doting father. I have so much respect for him because I don't know how he turned into such a great dad when he himself was fatherless and had me for a mother. We get along okay now but I think he still harbors bad feelings and resentment towards me. I have apologized profusely and been willing to let him unload his feelings on me but he refuses to talk about it.

 

I think your daughters needs help but before you can help her you also need to help yourself. In just skimming your other posts it seems that you are still pretty dysfunctional and living an unhealthy life. You say you tell a lot of lies, keep secrets, have a porn addiction and may be borderline. How on earth are you going to help your daughter be healthy while you are so unhealthy yourself? Therapy therapy therapy. For both you and your daughter. Individual therapy at first and then maybe you and her can have some therapy together to help mend your relationship with her.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think you were, or are, a bad mom. You did what you had to do to survive. You had no family ties. No one has a right to judge you. But I do think you need to talk to your daughter about it with as much honesty as is appropriate. I would also let her know that it was your dream for her that she never have to struggle the way you did. Let her know that your love for her is so strong that you would've done anything in the world to keep her with you. But she's dishonoring everything you did for her by doing things that can ruin her life and she needs to understand that.

 

You're going to need to get connected to her and stay close to her somehow. But whatever you do, please don't lose sight of what a true survivor you are. You know that Bill Gates stole computer time when he was young. When he had money, he paid back that debt. I know you may think that what he did isn't in the same vein of what you did, but it is in some ways. What you said to your daughter was true. In the world you lived in, you had to break rules. A lot of people would've done the same thing. Anyone who says differently is kidding themselves. And the end result -- you never had to let go of your baby. You made it and turned your life around. That's something to be proud of!

[lollipopspot]

I would also let her know that it was your dream for her that she never have to struggle the way you did. Let her know that your love for her is so strong that you would've done anything in the world to keep her with you. But she's dishonoring everything you did for her by doing things that can ruin her life and she needs to understand that.

 

Depending on how cold the mother is, how warm she is in contrast to the other kids, and how much she lets the father discipline the daughter, I would not accept these words, if I was the daughter.

 

I'd feel the mother did what she did for herself, I'd question the "love so strong," and especially resent the "dishonor everything that was done for me" part. I wouldn't feel that any of this was for ME at all. What she describes about the home life, I wouldn't feel very special, if I was the daughter. The daughter already tells her she's an "ice queen" and clearly doesn't feel that valued.

 

I think the OP needs communicate with actions, not words.

[Tayla]

Find a pediatric counselor and go to therapy with her. Tell her it isn't a request. Stop trying to be her friend and be her parent. You did what you had to, and now you can do better. Let her know she hasn't been replaced by your new "perfect" family. She is feeling left out and pushing you all further away because she doesn't want to feel so angry. You both have attachment issues and your common ground which was "us against the word" was important to her because she feel a connection with you. My teen daughter was a hand full...yet, even if my wife and I were exhausted and fed up, we made sure that rewards were only given or kept if she treated others in our family with respect. The name calling and bullying has to stop....you need help so get it. Get with a counselor and give her a choice to go with you or to go by herself. When she starts getting better, her therapist will schedule family appointments between you two.

 

Most of all.....give her love...unconditional love...hugs and notes and praise for things she tries to do well. My adopted daughter was so angry at her biological drug addled mom that she oozed it out onto us. We would smile gently and say....we love you, you won't ever push us away, we will always be here for you, we will not ever abandon you, you are our world, we appreciate you and are so happy you were brought into our lives. She would have screaming fits and I would gently wrap her in my arms while she beat me severely and I would hold her tight until she would just sink into me and cry. I fell asleep many times in my armchair like that when she was three to twelve.

 

Later, in her teens, she would rage and cry, and all I had to do was open my arms and we would lay in the same armchair while she cried. Your child is screaming for understanding about her pain, about being replaced and about not feeling important or connected to you anymore. You can change that with boundaries (for ex. my daughter could be angry and act out with me but not her siblings or her mother and her issues never gave her an excuse to not do her best in life ) and forging a connection (my daughter needed me to convince her she was special and poppy would never leave her over and over and over.) I know this is tough.

Best of luck,

Grumps

 

Grumpy- I just used up some kleenexs reading this response. How Kind of you to share such wisdom, thru experience no less!

 

OP: The challenge I think I am reading is the parental: Do as I say , not as I did. To clear that up, some admissions on your part ; admit the reasoning for it and tell her that current circumstances do not require going down that path. Wisdom is learning from others sometimes.

[turnera]

You need to read everything you can get your hands on about Authoritative Parenting. It will allow you to have a connection with her while still being the person who makes the rules and doles out the consequences. Using it, you will be able to tell her logically "I did what I had to do for us to survive and I'm not proud that I taught you to steal. Now that we don't have to, the rules HAVE changed, because we are not desperate for our next meal."

 

Characteristics of the Authoritative Parenting Style

 

The authoritative parenting style: A guide for the science-minded parent

 

Most importantly, she clearly feels odd man out, and, as is typical of someone her age, assumes she is the throw-away kid, now that you have a man and 'his' kids. Are you addressing that? Preferably in therapy. This is beyond the two of you and will only get worse.

Edited November 11, 2015 by turnera