Not Sure Whether to Stay/Go...

[cat5000]

Hi all,

I’m am in a 5 year relationship (living together) and I love my SO but there are a number of recurring issues that make me doubt whether to stay and work on it – or let it go and move on. This is not the first time I’ve had doubts and we did break up briefly 2 years ago. I am approaching 30 and feel anxious about the thought of being single. He’s a few years older. I’m looking for outside perspectives so your advice would be really appreciated!!

 

I’ll describe the pros/cons...

 

 

Pros

• He’s very affectionate and loving.
  
• We genuinely enjoy each other’s company
  
• He’s funny, we have a laugh and can act silly around each other
  
• He’s smart and we have interesting conversations
  
• I get on really well with his family
  
• He is a great cook and does most of the cooking
  
• He’s very handsome
  
• He was really supportive of me recovering from an eating disorder a few years ago which meant a lot and was a difficult time for him as well.
  

Cons...

• He is ALWAYS broke. We rarely go out. When we do it’s mostly me who picks up the tab. He has a patchy work history and he has been out of work for 3-4 months now (again) with the exception of a few freelance jobs. I have been covering rent, bills, food etc recently. I’m getting frustrated as my hard-earned savings are gradually disappearing. It looks like he’ll have something again soon – however with his history of leaving/ being let go from jobs within a year, I can’t help feeling a bit cynical that it’s only a matter of time before we are back to this point.
  

 

• He doesn’t seem to appreciate what that means to me. I’ve asked him to take care to turn off lights, heating etc. but he “forgets” which I find really frustrating. There are things I want to do with my life – travel, buy a house etc. I feel sad that not only is his lifestyle making it harder for me to accomplish these goals but that we can’t share these goals together.
  

 

• Apart from cooking I do most of the housework. This is an ongoing issue. I feel like the Director of Cleaning as I have to ask him to do absolutely everything before he will do it. Even then, he won’t do it thoroughly and can be up to a week later. His unemployment has not improved this situation and I resent being both Breadwinner and Chief Crumb Cleaner. What makes this worse is the fact that he refuses to acknowledge that this is the reality and maintains that he does “loads of cleaning!”
  

 

• He stays up till the early hours playing online games.
  

 

• He smokes weed at the expense of other things. I am not anti-weed and partake myself. However, he would rather spend money on weed than on things that are actually important, e.g. paying bills, buying shoes, visiting the dentist or going for a meal with his SO!!! He has an addiction but he refuses to acknowledge or address this.
  

 

• He does not look after his health – no exercise, smokes cigarettes, no daylight. He has bad breath due to tooth decay but refuses to floss and never has any money for the dentist. He eats ok most of the time and is really clean but his breath is awful. I am the exact opposite and take good care of myself.
  

 

• He crosses my boundaries and sometimes I have to argue to get him to stop. For example he drives my car – he has contributed to the insurance but that’s about it. Recently we had a big argument about him smoking in my car. He was badgering me to let him light up, even though I have expressly asked him not to before…Until recently he would also leave rubbish like fast food wrappers and not clean up after himself which really disgusted me. It’s taken years to get him to stop doing that!
  

 

• We argue a lot and he has a bad temper. He gets really defensive and shouts when we have disagreements (usually over the same things including the points above). I admit I eventually start shouting myself during these rows but he really takes it too far.
  

I feel like I've painted him in a really bad light -but these are the issues that keep coming up. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends and family about this so any advice is genuinely appreciated!

Edited November 8, 2015 by cat5000

[MJJean]

If he's not working and you don't like smoking, I think your solution is to stop paying for his cigarettes.

 

Other than that, no, I wouldn't marry this man. I'd rather be single at 30 than spend the rest of my life being some Peter Pan's mother.

[oldshirt]

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends and family about this so any advice is genuinely appreciated!

 

 

 

 

The reason you don't want to talk to friends and family about it is because they have been telling you that you can do better for years already. You just don't want to go through the trouble of breaking up and finding someone else. You are hoping that someone here will have the magic potion that will change him.

 

 

Well I like to think we are all friends here so I will say what your friends and family have been saying all along - you can do better.

 

 

Yes you will go through some times of self doubt and wondering if you are doing the right thing. And there will be a few lonely nights of crying into your pillow and missing a warm body next to you.

 

 

But in a very short time you will realize you are more relaxed and comfortable because you aren't irritated and annoyed all the time. And you will have more money and more freedom to do the things you want to do because you aren't carrying his dead weight.

 

 

We can't live our lives being dictated by our friends and family, but our friends and family often have a good idea of what our "market value" is and they do tend to know when you are below your own market value.

 

 

IMHO your friends and family have been right, you can do better.

[oldshirt]

and here's a piece of the puzzle I think you are missing.

 

 

When you peel back the layers and get right down to it's core purpose, the purpose of dating is it is an interview and probationary period where each party can interview and tryout the other party to see if that person is the one they want to marry and have a home and family with.

 

 

If the interview and probation/tryout period goes well, they can each continue with the process and move on to the next step.

 

 

If they determine that the other is not the right match, each party can walk away without prejudice because there is no commitment.

 

 

While I personally do not agree with it, many people also view cohabitation as a "trial run" if you will to do that last probationary test to see if the other is "the one."

 

 

No matter how you slice it here, I think your interview and probationary period have clearly shown you that he is not husband and father material....period.

 

 

If you walk away now, you will have dodged a bullet and you were wise to have had this extended probationary phase that has shown that he is not mature and responsible enough to provide for a family and be engaged as a partner and spouse/parent.

 

 

He may have dreamy blue eyes and a little curl to his hair that makes you weak in the knees. And he may be fun and entertaining and he may even be a good lover and give you good orgasms and cuddles you and keeps you warm on cold nights.

 

 

But if your life goal here is to have a functioning, safe and comfortable home and family, he clearly ain't it and no matter what anyone says, you simply can not change him or turn him into a stable, mature, responsible copartner and provider.

 

 

If you want someone that has work ethic, ambition, responsibility, sobriety, financial resources and maturity, you are going to have to find someone else.

[dichotomy]

You have listed the pro's and con's of him.

 

I wonder if you might imagine what your life might looking like in a year if you walked away right now. Really sit down and picture it this possible near future without him in it...

 

I think i hear fear with that possible future....."I am approaching 30 and feel anxious about the thought of being single."

 

On the other hand a future without him appears to bring more money, security, and health. I think at 30 you still have time to find a decent looking guy with more fundamental compatibility and a better partner who will contribute more (money, chores, what ever).

[OldRover]

Hi all,

I’m am in a 5 year relationship (living together) and I love my SO but there are a number of recurring issues that make me doubt whether to stay and work on it – or let it go and move on. This is not the first time I’ve had doubts and we did break up briefly 2 years ago. I am approaching 30 and feel anxious about the thought of being single. He’s a few years older. I’m looking for outside perspectives so your advice would be really appreciated!!

 

I’ll describe the pros/cons...

 

 

Pros

• He’s very affectionate and loving.
  
• We genuinely enjoy each other’s company
  
• He’s funny, we have a laugh and can act silly around each other
  
• He’s smart and we have interesting conversations
  
• I get on really well with his family
  
• He is a great cook and does most of the cooking
  
• He’s very handsome
  
• He was really supportive of me recovering from an eating disorder a few years ago which meant a lot and was a difficult time for him as well.
  

Cons...

• He is ALWAYS broke. We rarely go out. When we do it’s mostly me who picks up the tab. He has a patchy work history and he has been out of work for 3-4 months now (again) with the exception of a few freelance jobs. I have been covering rent, bills, food etc recently. I’m getting frustrated as my hard-earned savings are gradually disappearing. It looks like he’ll have something again soon – however with his history of leaving/ being let go from jobs within a year, I can’t help feeling a bit cynical that it’s only a matter of time before we are back to this point.
  

 

• He doesn’t seem to appreciate what that means to me. I’ve asked him to take care to turn off lights, heating etc. but he “forgets” which I find really frustrating. There are things I want to do with my life – travel, buy a house etc. I feel sad that not only is his lifestyle making it harder for me to accomplish these goals but that we can’t share these goals together.
  

 

• Apart from cooking I do most of the housework. This is an ongoing issue. I feel like the Director of Cleaning as I have to ask him to do absolutely everything before he will do it. Even then, he won’t do it thoroughly and can be up to a week later. His unemployment has not improved this situation and I resent being both Breadwinner and Chief Crumb Cleaner. What makes this worse is the fact that he refuses to acknowledge that this is the reality and maintains that he does “loads of cleaning!”
  

 

• He stays up till the early hours playing online games.
  

 

• He smokes weed at the expense of other things. I am not anti-weed and partake myself. However, he would rather spend money on weed than on things that are actually important, e.g. paying bills, buying shoes, visiting the dentist or going for a meal with his SO!!! He has an addiction but he refuses to acknowledge or address this.
  

 

• He does not look after his health – no exercise, smokes cigarettes, no daylight. He has bad breath due to tooth decay but refuses to floss and never has any money for the dentist. He eats ok most of the time and is really clean but his breath is awful. I am the exact opposite and take good care of myself.
  

 

• He crosses my boundaries and sometimes I have to argue to get him to stop. For example he drives my car – he has contributed to the insurance but that’s about it. Recently we had a big argument about him smoking in my car. He was badgering me to let him light up, even though I have expressly asked him not to before…Until recently he would also leave rubbish like fast food wrappers and not clean up after himself which really disgusted me. It’s taken years to get him to stop doing that!
  

 

• We argue a lot and he has a bad temper. He gets really defensive and shouts when we have disagreements (usually over the same things including the points above). I admit I eventually start shouting myself during these rows but he really takes it too far.
  

I feel like I've painted him in a really bad light -but these are the issues that keep coming up. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends and family about this so any advice is genuinely appreciated!

 

Wow, I know someone EXACTLY like him... Unfortunately, he's dead because he couldn't take care of himself and foolish risks and died in his early 30s. A close relative of mine divorced him a few years earlier because at his rate of income they would both be bankrupt in about 6 months, and she was a good earner.

 

No, unless this guy dramatically changes, he is a looser that won't change. I hasn't begun to grow up and accept responsibility.

 

I normally say give it a chance, and do xxx to make it work, but I'd not waste much time getting out of this relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Pros

• He’s very affectionate and loving.
  
• We genuinely enjoy each other’s company
  
• He’s funny, we have a laugh and can act silly around each other
  
• He’s smart and we have interesting conversations
  
• I get on really well with his family
  
• He is a great cook and does most of the cooking
  
• He’s very handsome
  
• He was really supportive of me recovering from an eating disorder a few years ago which meant a lot and was a difficult time for him as well.
  

Cons...

• He is ALWAYS broke. We rarely go out. When we do it’s mostly me who picks up the tab. He has a patchy work history and he has been out of work for 3-4 months now (again) with the exception of a few freelance jobs. I have been covering rent, bills, food etc recently. I’m getting frustrated as my hard-earned savings are gradually disappearing. It looks like he’ll have something again soon – however with his history of leaving/ being let go from jobs within a year, I can’t help feeling a bit cynical that it’s only a matter of time before we are back to this point.
  

 

• He doesn’t seem to appreciate what that means to me. I’ve asked him to take care to turn off lights, heating etc. but he “forgets” which I find really frustrating. There are things I want to do with my life – travel, buy a house etc. I feel sad that not only is his lifestyle making it harder for me to accomplish these goals but that we can’t share these goals together.
  

 

• Apart from cooking I do most of the housework. This is an ongoing issue. I feel like the Director of Cleaning as I have to ask him to do absolutely everything before he will do it. Even then, he won’t do it thoroughly and can be up to a week later. His unemployment has not improved this situation and I resent being both Breadwinner and Chief Crumb Cleaner. What makes this worse is the fact that he refuses to acknowledge that this is the reality and maintains that he does “loads of cleaning!”
  

 

• He stays up till the early hours playing online games.
  

 

• He smokes weed at the expense of other things. I am not anti-weed and partake myself. However, he would rather spend money on weed than on things that are actually important, e.g. paying bills, buying shoes, visiting the dentist or going for a meal with his SO!!! He has an addiction but he refuses to acknowledge or address this.
  

 

• He does not look after his health – no exercise, smokes cigarettes, no daylight. He has bad breath due to tooth decay but refuses to floss and never has any money for the dentist. He eats ok most of the time and is really clean but his breath is awful. I am the exact opposite and take good care of myself.
  

 

• He crosses my boundaries and sometimes I have to argue to get him to stop. For example he drives my car – he has contributed to the insurance but that’s about it. Recently we had a big argument about him smoking in my car. He was badgering me to let him light up, even though I have expressly asked him not to before…Until recently he would also leave rubbish like fast food wrappers and not clean up after himself which really disgusted me. It’s taken years to get him to stop doing that!
  

 

• We argue a lot and he has a bad temper. He gets really defensive and shouts when we have disagreements (usually over the same things including the points above). I admit I eventually start shouting myself during these rows but he really takes it too far.
  

I feel like I've painted him in a really bad light -but these are the issues that keep coming up. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends and family about this so any advice is genuinely appreciated!

 

When the Pros are single-spaced but the Cons require extensive elaboration , tells you all you need to know. A good relationship is neither this difficult nor involves this much drama and conflict.

 

No marriage or kids, there are those that better fit you out there. Don't let fear hold you back...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

What he gets out of this relationship is much more than what you get out of it.

 

 

Wouldn't you rather be available to date a man who provides for himself and can afford to take you out on dates...even nice vacations?

 

 

This guy will mooch off of you as long as you keep him there. He isn't into providing you with peace of mind. He is like raising a child.

 

You want a real man who adds beauty to every aspect of your life - that's not going to be him.

 

 

He wants to acts like that - set him out on the street and let someone else rescue him.

[understand50]

cat5000,

 

The simple fact is he has not grown up, and it is probable, he never will. Real men do not act this way. A Man child does. You need to decide if this is what you want, because you will be doing most of the earning, and responsible part of the marriage or relationship. You will always be carrying the load here. If you are OK with that and go in to this with open eyes - More power to you. I would not. I would want a full time adult partner or the battle that is life.

 

You need to decide what you want out of life and if he will be part of you getting it.

 

My two cents, and I wish you the best of luck.

[OldRover]

cat5000,

 

The simple fact is he has not grown up, and it is probable, he never will. Real men do not act this way. A Man child does. You need to decide if this is what you want, because you will be doing most of the earning, and responsible part of the marriage or relationship. You will always be carrying the load here. If you are OK with that and go in to this with open eyes - More power to you. I would not. I would want a full time adult partner or the battle that is life.

 

You need to decide what you want out of life and if he will be part of you getting it.

 

My two cents, and I wish you the best of luck.

 

You are SO RIGHT! I've seen this before, and when someone gets to adult age and still acts like a kid, changing them is very difficult to do. It's NOT a small problems, and most likely to get worse..... less income, more debt, less motivation, poor work habits, etc.... just goes down hill without a DRAMATIC intervention.