Ugh - when I think of all the issues we have, I just want him gone.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Ok - I have a whole lot of issues in my current relationship - a whole lot - but I think the one thing I may call it an ends to it all will be his confession (which he made to the neighbor) that if he could go back and not cheat on his first wife he would because then they would still be together...

 

They have one son together (First born for both) and have to deal with each other all the time. I have one son from a previous marriage and WE have two together (4 all total). She is this size 4, bubbly spoiled brat (who smoked throughout her entire pregnancy mind you) and I am of a much larger breed although without the bubbly personality. I have my fun moments, quite often although am more morally strong, hard-working and responsible first...

 

His confession to them makes me feel second best. I feel embarrassed he said this to them and am going though a hell of lot for him right now. What kind of respect is he giving me to say something like that???

 

If I wasn't insecure and jealous before, I am now...

 

She is remarried and just had a new baby, however, when we all get together to celebrate their son's (my stepson) birthday... or other affair...she and my Hubby always seem to make more time for each-other than he makes for me. They share a few things in common that me and my hubby don't - they both smoke and seem to take a few smoking breaks together... they have conversations that I am not a part of and I always wonder what they were discussing...

 

Ugh - when I think of all the issues we have, I just want him gone.

 

Are there therapists who can help people get out of relationships?? I may have more of a problem leaving than what I thought and it may be me sending him the message that it's ok to stay...

[DesertDweller]

Hi. I don't always have the best advice, but I wanted to offer my support until someone wiser comes along. First, did you confront your husband about his "confession"? If so, what did he say? How does his ex's husband feel about these frequent smoke breaks? The more I read these posts, the more I think that if you just walk away, your husband will come running back. That is, if you want him. Frankly, he sounds like a creep...Sorry...

[Soul Searching JJ]

I just spent 30minutes typing a reply and it all just got erased...

 

so, in short, yes I confronted him without telling him it was my neighbor that told me.

 

He said that he only meant that cheating made it impossible for him to stay with her because the guilt was so heavy. Because he cheated and couldn't live with it, he left and "lost" the mornings with his son. He said it hurt more to be away from his son that it would have to have stayed with her.

 

His son lives with her in one of the Souther states and he now lives with me in the Northern. Although we visit often or his son comes here, it is just not enough. Because I have a son here and would never leave him, my H had to make a choice before he proposed; to stay here and start a life with me or move back home and start a new life there. Obviously he chose to stay here although battles with his decision, especially now since all of his lies and secrets are surfacing and he is having to confront his past and current problems.

 

What bothers me is that he said that in his mind they were not really together since he didn't love her so when he cheated he used that to convince himself it was "oK". So what happens when we have a fall out? Does he just convince himself that he doesn't love me and have an affair??

[RecordProducer]

I think you're taking this the wrong way. My ex-husband left me and IMHO never truly loved me, never regretted our divorce, and he still says things like "if this or that didn't happen, we would've still been together." He still tells me "If you were just a little bit more..." or "If I didn't have a daughter from my first marriage.." or "If we didn't have the twins right away..." things would have been better. Yet he doesn't love me at all. He is still single and I was single for a long time. I guess if he had a wife who would hear his statements, she would think that it means something. But it means nothing.

It's probably just a matter of interpretation. Nobody cares about their exes. I flirt with my ex and we can still talk nicely and joke and laugh together, but we don't have any feelings for each other.

My fiance also has regrets about his ex-wife such as he wasn't sure he wanted to marry her so she aborted their baby. Later he married her, they got divorced and she is 48 y.o. now without children. But he doesn't regret not having children with her whatsoever. He left her.

We don't want our ex-spouses back, but men regret their mean behavior toward their ex-wives. Women don't so it's hard for us to understand that part.

He cheated on his ex-wife so he didn't really love her. He is ashamed that his son will accuse him some day of cheating on his mother. When he told the neighbor that, you were not around so he wasn't careful, but what he really meant I guess was that it's his fault that the marriage fell apart. That if he didn't cheat, they would have still been together and he regrets being an ass. Hopefully he will use the lesson for his 2nd marriage. Don't worry about his statement, it really means nothing, empty regrets that have nothing to do with love. Very "nice" of the neighbor to tell you what he said. If the neighbor is a woman she must be jealous of you and if it's a man he wants to get in your pants!

If he is the cheater's profile however, I would be more concerned about women he meets and never slept with.

[rble618740]

We all make mistakes in relationships. Sometimes it takes a long time or a certain experience to realize the mistakes we've made. Is it possible that your husband is just acknowledging his part in the downfall of his previous marriage? Perhaps he fled the relationship so that he didn't have to face the guilt. Now that he is distanced from it, he is just acknowledging that had he done some things differently, his marriage might have lasted. He is acknowledging his part in his previous marriage's demise.

 

When my husband and I went to marriage counseling (this is the first marriage for both of us), our counselor had been married before. He explained that he had opened his heart and mind to the possibility that he was part of the problem, his first marriage might have lasted. My husband's father, who is very much in love with his current wife, says the same thing about his marriage to my husband's mother.

 

An acknowledgement that "I could have done things differently and kept my first marriage together" does not, by itself, take away from your marriage. You may be inferring your husband's revelation to mean that he would rather be with his ex-wife, and I am not certain he meant it that way. Is there any chance that the comment, by the time it came to and was processed by your mind, had some additional baggage thrown in (by the neighbors interpretation, your inferences or assumptions)?

 

In my experience, and I hope I don't get fried on this one, women think more relationally and associatively than men. Usually, a man means just what he says (and not a whole lot more). If he simply said that if he'd have done things differently his first marriage would not have ended, I think there's a good possibility that's true and he may not necessarily have meant to convey anything about your marriage in that statement.

 

This is a long, roundabout way of saying - first, try to find out exactly what was said so that you don't suffer over a "whisper-down-the-lane" scenario. Secondly, once you know exactly what was said, determine whether it has anything to do with you (versus being a true statement by your husband about his past mistakes and the impact they've had on him and others). Most importantly, be realistic. I'm sure you know that, probably, not everything about your husband's first marriage was bad. I'm sure you also know that, if the major reason that marriage was disolved was your husband's infidelity to his first wife, he probably harbors a lot of guilt. Until he resolves this guilt, he may think about the damage that he's done. This is a weird way to look at things but, I believe in the long run it will be good for you that your husband understand the carnage left by his affair. I'm not in your position, so I realize my advice may be easier for me to dish out than it is for you to take. You're in my thoughts and I hope things go well for you, no matter how you choose to approach this problem.

[dgiirl]

Unfortunately, from what you wrote, it's not clear in what context your husband was in to make him confess such a thing. Perhaps they were talking about your neighbours marital problems, and he confessed that working on a marriage is important, and he wished he didnt cause so much pain by cheating. There's so many different scenarios why he could have confessed, and hearing it second hand loses the real reasons why he said it.

 

Obviously you have other issues than just this statement. You seem insecure in your relationship and jealous about his ex wife. Counselling might be a good idea for both of you. Seems you're having a hard time communicating your concerns with each other. You shouldnt be feeling insecure, and if you are, you need to communicate that with your husband, and your husband needs to make you feel secure in the relationship. Counselling will help you both. If you leave it go for too long, resentment will build up and divorce will surely follow.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

I flirt with my ex and we can still talk nicely and joke and laugh together, but we don't have any feelings for each other.

 

True, I may be looking further into it than I need to be. The neighbor that gives me all the info is a woman. One which he spent WAY to much time with (as he was the at home dad for over a full year with our first son - now 2 years old) and divulged information about our marriage that was none of her business - I was the understanding one and let a lot slide. Now the table has turned and I am the at home mom - first time in 10 years out of the office and he is now consumed with his own company.

 

I am insecure right now because I am still 50lb over weight and our newborn is already going on 4months. She is a size 4 and has a 6month old newborn. I have a hard time "sharing" my H with a woman he slept with for 5 years. I tolerate a lot but I don't support personal phone calls between the two and harmless flirting hurts me and can be dangerous. If she has any resentment left from the pain that he put her through, she may decide to try and pay him back by ruining our relationship with an affair with the two of them...

 

I know I may be paranoid because of everything else we are going through although I know I would never forgive him or heal after an affair.

 

What did you mean by if he is the cheaters profile? Why should I be more scared of those he has established relations with and not slept with in the past?

[Soul Searching JJ]

Originally posted by rble618740

I'm sure you know that, probably, not everything about your husband's first marriage was bad. I'm sure you also know that, if the major reason that marriage was dissolved was your husband's infidelity to his first wife, he probably harbors a lot of guilt. Until he resolves this guilt, he may think about the damage that he's done.

 

I believe you are right on that not everything was bad - and that is what bothers me. If everything was bad, I wouldn't have to worry about much. But I hate the thought of him comparing the two of us if he has unresolved feelings - you know the grass is always greener on the other side when it is raining where you are.

 

I am jealous of her because she got to experience everything for the first time with him. ie: first born child... she is annoying although can make you laugh. One of the things that bothers me the most is some of the very scarce - thank God - details about their love life. I really don't care to make him remember nor do I care to know although he has offered a few things leak and that makes me feel enormously insecure because I would never say the things she has.

 

He told me that one time - after their divorce and when he and I were a pair - that she called in a weak moment and wanted him back. He said that one of her comments was, "you know you like this tight *****". YUCK - I did not want to hear that!!!! Ok, lets look at that, it is like me telling him, my X bfnd said "you know you like my big ****" - disgusting. My H is just fine in that department although my x bfnd was MUCH bigger - how do you think that would make him feel??

[Soul Searching JJ]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Unfortunately, from what you wrote, it's not clear in what context your husband was in to make him confess such a thing. Perhaps they were talking about your neighbors marital problems, and he confessed that working on a marriage is important, and he wished he didn't cause so much pain by cheating. There's so many different scenarios why he could have confessed, and hearing it second hand loses the real reasons why he said it.

 

He seemed to have daily sessions with them and I would call them discussions vs confessions (maybe I used the wrong word). I am trying to make sense of these things now and it is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle in the dark. I have all of these pieces and not sure what goes where or even if it is from the same puzzle...

 

My neighbor is more open about sex and relationships than I and so he saw a window to talk... What I mean is, she doesn't mind if her H has magazines, pornos... I do. I always have. So he saw fit to tell her what he wanted her to think about us. But mind you it was never the whole truth - he would only offer bits of info to make me look bad. ie: The reason I don't want magazines or porno's in the house is because we have kids and I am not comfortable with that type of material lying around like a parenting magazine. Also, my H has an unhealthy obsession with it. Until I discovered that he had a "stash" of stuff, he insisted that he didn't like that kind of stuff. Even when I wanted to experiment, he would say no. When I found him on the Internet with his own web cam web site I was scared out of my tree and disgusted...

 

He would tell her that I wouldn't even "let" him look at girls in REDBOOK - what a lie.

[scarlyjones]

Look ,..........anyone would wish the DIDNT cheat. If we could go back and change it, we would. If he didnt cheat, he would have never met you. So your not second best. You just happen to be the FIRST person he met after that relationship. Its not like God has a bunch of people in line for each of us in our lives and we go thru them one by one.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Look ,..........anyone would wish the DIDN'T cheat. If we could go back and change it, we would. If he didn't cheat, he would have never met you. So your not second best. You just happen to be the FIRST person he met after that relationship. Its not like God has a bunch of people in line for each of us in our lives and we go thru them one by one.

 

Actually there were a few before me and after his separation with his x wife. It is not that I expected to be "the only one, I have my own baggage. It is that I felt he regrets loosing her and still misses her. How can you be fully committed into a relationship (ours) if he wishes he was still in the first one?

[scarlyjones]

Why dont you sit him down and tell him all this instead of just posting it here? By the way,..love is blind....that being said, Im sure this guy was like this when you met and married him. This is partially your fault too.

[Soul Searching JJ]

QUOTE]Originally posted by scarlyjones

Why dont you sit him down and tell him all this instead of just posting it here? By the way,..love is blind....that being said, Im sure this guy was like this when you met and married him. This is partially your fault too.

 

I did. Not sure if I expected an actual heartfelt answer but what I got was the denial of any such "confessions or feelings". I'm posting here because I'm just burnt out and I don't want my friends and family to know I'm at my ends and depressed about it. I feel ther is an empty hole (my H) that I am dumping feelings and serious concerns into and just wishing on a star that he would just come clean so we can heal or move on.

 

I read somewhere that liars will never admit to the truth unless they are given proof that their secret is out. This has held true with him ever since I first discovered this or that. I always gave him the oportunity to fess up and he never does until I hand him the proof. Seems I will have to confront him with what the neighbors have told me although I know him well enough that he will just make something up to cover that.

 

Maybe on some subconcious level I know I'll never heal from all the lies and I am searching for an answer on line. Maybe I am just looking for someone to listen and tell me the things I wish he would confess to.

 

Although I blame myself for allowing it to go this far, I refuse to believe I am at fault for the relationship. He has openly admitted to me that he lied all about his past, who he really was and even some of his views on relationships, kids, marriage and moral values just to get me to say "I do". See, he learned that I am a devoted person who doesn't give up easy and figured he would just rope me in and hopfully I would just fix all of his problems. The problem is that I never agreed to put myself or my only son at the time through it.

 

We were engaged for almost a year when I started to have my doubts and some of the lies began to surface. Despite that he and his family were really pushing, I wouldn't set a date and then suddenly I was pregnant. Something I know in my heart was a trap. He saw an opportunity and took it. I was having female issues with the pill I was on and had to stop for one month. For unknown reasons (never happened before) I menstated for over a month solid with only one or two days in between cycles. When it finally stopped, we used other methods of which after sex one night he just said, "oh my, its gone" and picked it up from the bed. That is all it took.

 

We started having problems when some of his lies and deception began to surface. All kinds of stuff started coming out of the closet. Things were pretty bad and I tried to end the marriage. I was devastated that I would be a single mom of two kids from different dads but the lies were just too much. Then, suddenly I was pregnant again. It is hard for me to say he did this on purpose because I was there too although he just had a way of making me believe he could "control" it and didn't want to use a condom. How dumb of me.

[dgiirl]

SS, sounds like you're going through a difficult time. But you're not a victim. If you make yourself believe you're a victim, nothing will get better for you. Friends and family are great for moral support, but sometimes they do more damage than good because they feed into the victim role.

 

You _need_ to find an objective person like a therapist. You have to take responsiblity for your life. You're h is probably everything that you wrote, BUT you need to find out why you _let_ him do it. A therapist will help you take a look at things objectively, and help you realize the role you played in these events. They might be able to help you save your marriage, but more importantly, they'll help you to prevent this happening again in your life.

[scarlyjones]

Yeah,...I agree.........you wrote how the lies started to surface early on,....but then you go into that you ended up pregnant. I guess Im wondering why you would even sleep with someone (husband or not) if you were seeing his lies "surfacing". And what the heck made you think that he could "control" you getting pregnant without birth control? Hes not God. You DO have to take some responsibility in having some fault in this. Thats why you keep finding yourself in these situations. You get into a fix like this and then you think to yourself how this isnt your fault. You are letting people do this TO YOU. When you see a welcome mat in front of someones door,.....you assume its cool to walk on it dont you? You need therapy. You need to be a little more empowered in your own lifes activities. Throwing you arms up in the air and exclaiming how this isnt your fault is leading to your NEXT problem. Out of wedlock pregnancies,......as a result of sex with a man you had major doubts about,...... Its obvious you have very low self esteem and hardly a shred of respect for yourself. The fact that you're 50lbs overweight should have NOTHING to do with the type of people you surround yourself and your children with. Overweight or not,...you deserve to be treated well. Bottom line here is that you have a problem with picking losers as your S.O.'s. You need to start believing that you deserve better and stop settling. And did it ever occur to you that you really dont NEED a man right now? Its almost like you think "Well,.....since I MUST be with someone,...Ill pick the first loser that comes by" You need to take this time and use it to better yourself. You are a decent person who deserves respect. Anything less, should not be tolerated. You kids deserve a happy Mother.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

You DO have to take some responsibility in having some fault in this. You are letting people do this TO YOU. When you see a welcome mat in front of someone's door,.....you assume its cool to walk on it don't you?

 

You need therapy. You need to be a little more empowered in your own life's activities.

 

Its obvious you have very low self esteem and hardly a shred of respect for yourself.

 

Bottom line here is that you have a problem with picking losers as your S.O.'s. You need to start believing that you deserve better and stop settling.

 

And did it ever occur to you that you really don't NEED a man right now? Its almost like you think "Well,.....since I MUST be with someone,...Ill pick the first loser that comes by" You need to take this time and use it to better yourself. You are a decent person who deserves respect. Anything less, should not be tolerated. You kids deserve a happy Mother.

 

Ouch! I've never heard that perspective before and while it is hurtful, it is kind of refreshing - eye opener.

 

It had been two in a half years since my last relationship when I met my H. I had only been on three dates - two with the same guy. It was hard to find time to date as a single mom and I had high expectations.

 

I had just come back from participating as the maid of honor at my sister's $80,000 dream wedding in Florida. I was on a real low because I felt that on some level it was my last opportunity to meet someone. I was in shape, tan, my career was moving fast... At the wedding I did meet someone although he lost to my 7 year-old who needed me more that night.

 

I didn't go out much when I was at home - I didn't share the "single" life my friends lived. So, I didn't have much opportunity to meet anyone. A few of my friends were key to my state of mind and forced me to go out. I told them "no" and they came over anyway, made me get dressed and out we went.

 

I met him that night. He left town just a few days after we met to visit his home town and we talked every day for hours for the 4 weeks he was gone. I really came to appreciate him over this period.

 

He was everything I wanted totally in a platonic way at least. When he returned, we couldn't get enough of each other. After 4-6 months of dating, I let him meet my son. I thought I had found my night in shining armor. He was independent, very polite, nurturing to my son, attentive to my needs - emotionally. We didn't sleep together for the first time until the 3rd month - it's not like I bounced from guy to guy unresponsively.

 

My doubts surfaced months after we were engaged so I stalled setting the date for the wedding. From working 6-7 days a week 10hrs a day he suddenly was unemployed. I didn't think much of it because he is in the trades. However, he wasn't actively looking for more work... although he boasted about his savings.. he borrowed money from me.... that is when it really hit me that things just didn't add up. Then bam - I was pregnant. I made sure he had a condom - he lost it and I am not so sure it was an accident. Needless to say, I weighed out my options and felt that I loved him not his employment status.

 

The lies didn't surface until just after we were married. I caught him on the Internet just weeks after the wedding sending e-mail to a girl who was sharing her naked picture with him... Then I found pot... to make a long story short, come to find out, he was physically, mentally, (and possibly sexually) abused as a child until he was about 15 when he moved out. This has been confirmed by his family.

 

He told me lies to get me to say "I do" and I believed them partially because I think I wanted to. I suppose I am at fault for this but I'm in this now and need support. If he can't deal with his past demons, we will never make it. I've tried to end it several times - I won't accept infidelity, drugs or lies - my *** they are the three worst things that can happen. But he never leaves. He sobs uncontrollably - like a 3 year-old - no lie. He begs me not to make him go and then refuses to go.

 

Even though the house is mine and I had it year's before I met him, I've been told by police that I can't make him go without court intervention and even then he could take half! I guess he is lucky for that because had that not been the case, I would have made him leave and we would be divorced. We are seeing a councillor and much has been shared about his past that is explanation but not excuse for the things he has put me through.

 

Again, I don't know if I'll ever heal but at least I'll know I tried. And your right, I don't need a man, I never have. However, I've always felt like the odd one as a single mom and people always looked at me as "poor ***, she has it hard..." I hated that feeling and after a while you begin to feel sorry for yourself.

 

I think he was in the right place at the right time and I needed someone to fill the gap. I do love him but I think I may have fallen in love for the wrong reasons.