He's gone ... vanished!

[WestEndGirl]

I'm glad I found this forum, because I really need support today.

 

MM suddenly dropped contact. He's never done this before. Texts unreturned, phone calls go directly to voicemail. Of course, I can draw my own conclusions from this. Although I'd like to think that he "lost" his phone or is unable to contact me because he's physically unable, the likely reason is he was found out, and is dealing with the fallout.

 

What's weird is that I'm looking over our texts to each other, and there wasn't any hint of him fading out. No arguments, no contention. It's just like ... normal.

 

The A has been going on for right around two years now. What really kills me is that we've known each other for most of our lives -- we were friends before we were lovers. When we first started this out, I made him promise to do what he had to do, but please don't just disappear.

 

I am heartbroken and can't stop crying. I just wish I'd had some sort of closure. So ... what happens next?

[Minnie09]

How long has it been since you last communicated?

I'm sure he'll be back with an explanation. He's dealing with something. Maybe dday.

[WestEndGirl]

It's been a week now -- last time I heard from him was a week ago today.

 

I just wish that he'd contact me briefly, even if just to let me know he's okay.

 

Oh, and there already has been a d-day -- happened soon after we got involved. We haven't exactly been rubbing this in his W's face or anything. So I'm at a loss as to how she could have found out.

[Tayla]

well lets narrow down the improbable:

1: he was abducted by aliens

2: He is campaigning in Nigeria

3: He decided to get that operation to donate his kidney

4: His vasectomy sorta took a slice out that now makes his talk in a high pitch

5: He flew to the caribbean to get a quick divorce and is now shackin up with an island native named Juan

 

whew, glad we narrowed down the improbable lets go with,

1: He is coming to his senses.

 

Take this as an opportunity to clear your heart. He is not yours and you surely deserve to improve your choices with a person who doesn't vanish. Is his wife a magician??? Maybe her technique worked.

[Ms. Faust]

Do you have any mutual friends? What happens when you text? Facebook? Work email?

[Lovetoohard]

Sounds like he decided to focus on his family, which comes first. Don't contact him anymore. I know not getting closure is awful but if you were that important in his life, he would've had the courtesy of having a talk with you....after 2 yrs that's expected. Sorry for your pain.

[WestEndGirl]

We have some mutual friends, but none of them know about us -- and I want to keep it that way.

 

The only response I'm getting to any mode of communication is exactly nothing. I'm not going to try anymore. MM is obviously dealing with something. Either he doesn't want to communicate, or he can't. My bet is on the latter. I know this man quite well.

[waterwoman]

"We haven't exactly been rubbing this in his W's face or anything. So I'm at a loss as to how she could have found out."

 

You don't need to run this in her face for her to find out. I would put money on her finding something and her H fire-fighting like a crazy man! I am sure he'll be back in touch when he can - what you when this happens is up to you of course

[lemondrop21]

This situation is a really striking reminder of how dysfunctional affairs are. If this was anything close to a real relationship, this would never happen, especially after two years. I really feel for you and best of luck in working through this.

[Poppy47]

I feel so sorry for you.

 

If it had been a month long affair I could understand, but 2 years and not a word?

 

I'm betting he has been threatened with death if he ever contacts you again.

 

Were you in a close relationship? If you were, I am surprised at his lack of contact. Surely even a MM would have the decency to say goodbye to you if you had a really close connection.

Poppy.

[OneLov]

This situation is a really striking reminder of how dysfunctional affairs are. If this was anything close to a real relationship, this would never happen, especially after two years. I really feel for you and best of luck in working through this.

 

I could not agree more. If this were a legitimate relationship, anyone who knew or heard of it would support you. In an affair, most people will not only not be unsupportive but may even insult you.

 

Most likely the BS threatened divorce if he contacted you at all. It's a defense mechanism mainly. By doing this it is an attempt to downplay emotional attachment between you and the MM. He is blaming you for his actions and probably disclaiming any affections he may have conveyed which is totally disrespecting you.

 

Once dust settles, he may try to reconnect. Please view this as he is unworthy of you. I feel truly sorry someone did this to you as no one deserves to be treated with so little dignity. You deserve way more than that. Please walk away and get yourself a better forever.

[NewLeaf512]

This is what my ex idiothead did to me after 8 years of friendship a few months of an A then an EA for about 2 years.

Whatever he is going through he's absolutely communicating with you right now as mine did to me. Here's the message: You are nothing to me. I've told my BS that you meant nothing to me, and that you even chased me. That's right. Every meaningless minute was you chasing and stalking me until I just gave in. You knew what you were walking into. Now I've made my choice and owe you nothing so please disappear so I can get on with my life.

 

It hurts like hell. It hurt me so much. Don't contact him. Please don't. Xx

[bellasue]

Same thing happened to me. It has been two years since he vanished and although the pain is still there, it does get better. For us....seven year friendship....long term EA, short term PA and then poof....gone.

 

It is what it is.......cowardly behavior IMHO.

 

Hang in there.

[privategal]

He's gonna pop back in...with excuses...because he has a work email no? He can find a way to let you know in a dignified manner that its over, he was caught, no longer interested...

The risk you run is forgiving his walking away...and so desperate to feel his attention and love again when He's "back" you will accept any scraps, bread crumbs, leftovers....cause theres payphones, computers at the library...theres no acceptable reason to disappear, so accept that he DOESN'T care and please block him or the cycle goes on.

[WestEndGirl]

Most likely the BS threatened divorce if he contacted you at all. It's a defense mechanism mainly. By doing this it is an attempt to downplay emotional attachment between you and the MM. He is blaming you for his actions and probably disclaiming any affections he may have conveyed which is totally disrespecting you.

 

Once dust settles, he may try to reconnect. Please view this as he is unworthy of you. I feel truly sorry someone did this to you as no one deserves to be treated with so little dignity. You deserve way more than that. Please walk away and get yourself a better forever.

 

Thank you so much for the reality check -- thank you all, in fact. I guess this mindset is completely out of my purview. Maybe when I was younger and less secure. If someone threatened me with divorce for any reason, I'd tell them to eff right off and let me deal with the A kindly and humanely.

 

I am losing respect for this man by the minute. What kills me is that I have known him forever, and I never saw this side of him. Never.

[privategal]

Thank you so much for the reality check -- thank you all, in fact. I guess this mindset is completely out of my purview. Maybe when I was younger and less secure. If someone threatened me with divorce for any reason, I'd tell them to eff right off and let me deal with the A kindly and humanely.

 

I am losing respect for this man by the minute. What kills me is that I have known him forever, and I never saw this side of him. Never.

 

Now youve seen it and the saying is 'when someone shows you who they are...believe them"

Love is blind and you've been romanticizing and making him out to be Mr. Wonderful...now uou know.

Im waiting for you to say the door is closed...he's blocked...Im through with the disrespect.

There should be no coming back. He should envision you crying, scared, confused, and worried sick and not put you in this spot.

He's out for himself.

Block, burn the bridge.

Unacceptable.

[bathtub-row]

I would wait to hold judgment until you know what's going on. I'm sure something has happened but it's hard to say what. If he was in an accident or anything like that, then he's unable to communicate. However, your texts will give him away in that situation.

 

If his wife found out about that the affair has been ongoing, then he probably is riddled with guilt and doesn't know what to do right now. Men tend to go quiet when they're troubled. XMM did this when his kids found out about us. But he did call me and tell me what had happened. After that, I probably didn't hear from him for about a week. But he finally called and I could tell it had been best to leave him alone. His kids (they're adults) were really upset with him and he was trying to deal with that. He's unusually close to his kids and he was super upset.

 

Anyway those are my thoughts. Either your MM has been injured or is sick or is dealing with the fallout of the affair. I'm sure he'll surface again. I know it's really hard, but just lay low for awhile.

[Dylon]

The A has been going on for right around two years now. What really kills me is that we've known each other for most of our lives

 

I'm sorry that happened. Seems to me you know him better than us. Is this something he would do if his wife discovered the situation? Imagine the worst. Would he just ignore you and disappear forever? I doubt it. I agree with the above poster, wait and see. When I had my Dday, I did contact my WO and told her what happened, ect. It was bad but I did it anyway. Most likely at some point, he would come back with an answer. What about social media? Has he been active?

[minimariah]

Thank you so much for the reality check -- thank you all, in fact. I guess this mindset is completely out of my purview. Maybe when I was younger and less secure. If someone threatened me with divorce for any reason, I'd tell them to eff right off and let me deal with the A kindly and humanely.

 

I am losing respect for this man by the minute. What kills me is that I have known him forever, and I never saw this side of him. Never.

 

remember - this is someone who had an affair. you can't really expect a person like that to tell his spouse to "eff off" & let him deal with the A. if he was THAT person, he wouldn't have an A in the first place - he'd really tell his spouse off OR he'd divorce.

 

i assume he had a D-day & the BS asked him to cut off contact OR he did it on his own as some kind of proof of his dedication to the marriage.

 

still, with or without the BS - he for sure had at least 5 minutes free from her in these two weeks to shoot you AT LEAST a short text. so really... it all comes back to him.

 

the worst case scenario is that he was in some kind of accident or isn't feeling well, or maybe is in the hospital or someone close to him is ill. so maybe that's what's going on.

[Popsicle]

Would you know if he blocked you? Maybe he blocked you.

 

A lot of BS's demand that all contact be stopped with the AP once they find out (which is understandable) but I would think they would also be monitoring the WS's texts and stuff, especially if that's how they found out.

 

Considering this, my conclusion would be that he wasn't discovered but has chosen to ignore you as a way to end it, out of cowardliness.

[minimariah]

Oh, and there already has been a d-day -- happened soon after we got involved. We haven't exactly been rubbing this in his W's face or anything. So I'm at a loss as to how she could have found out.

 

d-day as in his W finding out about the two of you & the affair and being okay with it or NOT being okay with it? because if she found out and wasn't okay with it + thought that you were over, she probably caught you the second time the same way she did the first time. you don't really need to rub it in her face, if she found out the first time -- she knew there was a possibility of repeating & probably snooped around. and she probably REALLY pulled the plug, it would explain him cutting you off.

 

can you ask around about his well being to his other friends or so without getting them suspicious?

Edited November 9, 2015 by minimariah

[Dylon]

d-day as in his W finding out about the two of you & the affair and being okay with it or NOT being okay with it? because if she found out and wasn't okay with it + thought that you were over, she probably caught you the second time the same way she did the first time. you don't really need to rub it in her face, if she found out the first time -- she knew there was a possibility of repeating & probably snooped around. and she probably REALLY pulled the plug, it would explain him cutting you off.

 

can you ask around about his well being to his other friends or so without getting them suspicious?

 

 

I didn't know there was already a dday. Missed it. Yes, could be that she's really watching him every move.

[Popsicle]

This situation is a really striking reminder of how dysfunctional affairs are. If this was anything close to a real relationship, this would never happen, especially after two years. I really feel for you and best of luck in working through this.

 

Yes exactly. It's inevitable that you'll be on the losing end being the OW. Much better to be with a single man.

[Ms. Faust]

I dunno, I think it could be a myriad of potential things:

 

The wife could have found out.

He could have found another OW and decided he was done with the OP.

He could have decided he was done, independent of wife or OOW.

He could just need a break from it all while he re-evaluates his life.

Maybe he is hurt and hospitalized? But with mutual friends one would think OP would have heard something by now.

 

Whatever the reason is, his decision to stonewall her is pretty heartless considering she invested two years with him... but that is part of the risk of being with a MM.

[Dancewithme]

If he's gone complete NC, it was a cowardly way to end things. You feel that after 2 years, you'd get the courtesy of some kind of closure. But this is the nature of affairs, all relationship rules do not apply. His main responsibility is to his BS.

 

This is your opportunity to rid yourself of baggage that you don't need in your life. What fun is a relationship you can't share with your friends and family? Where you can't have the kind of support you deserve when your SO messes up? When one door closes, another opens. Hold your head up, tell yourself you deserve more, and walk through that door.