He's gone ... vanished!

[OneLov]

It's not circular. You are absolutely correct, nothing will stop the WS/WP from lying again as they have already expressed quite implicitly that they are untrustworthy. Of course it's not a given that they will continue being untrustworthy, especially if they are truly repentant and wish to reconcile with their spouse and are mortified at the pain they have caused.

 

My underlying point was that OW/OM often express shock at an AP ending up treating them with disrespect/disregard when it shouldn't be surprising as for an affair to even begin with a WS/WP that person is disrespecting somebody who they made bigger vows to than anybody.

 

I understand what your logic, but the reality is that is not how it works when an affair commences. Affairs begin and exist mainly in the limbic system. As social animals, we are hardwired to interpret the communication of nonverbal behavior. Those communications will cause a chemical release that will influence your thoughts. You will communicate your thoughts upon seeing receptive nonverbal cues.

 

For instance, an infant can recognize a smile, and what it communicates, at four months old. We learned to communicate by interpreting behavior long before we could speak. So we trust behavior before words. Or as it is colloquially expressed, "actions speak louder than words." Marriage is a cultural institution that did not exist when our ancestors first learned to communicate.

 

So how do we (OM/OW) get here? Simply put, when a someone gives you "the look" and acts accordingly, you wrongly place your trust in those actions of "I want this." You are going by actions not words. The cerebral cortex is not firing, all the logic shoved down your throat will not affect those chemicals or change how they influence your thoughts. Then when those actions disappear suddenly and without warning, it will f*** you up beyond belief because you are in psychological "no man's land" where nothing makes sense and you question everything.

 

Logically speaking, I still disagree. Your argument is: Despite the fact the WS/WP is communicating disrespect/disregard for his/her own vows to the OM/OW by his actions, the OM/OW should know that he/she really cherishes and respects his/her vows deep down because, after all, they are the "ultimate" vow.

 

Even though IMO this is not how it works, it still does not make sense to believe that deep down he/she cherishes and respects his/her "ultimate" vow because more than 50% of those "ultimate" vows get broken. So it is more likely than not those vows will not be "ultimate." So if the WS/WP is communicating disrespect/disregard for his/her vows and it is more likely than not those vows will not be ultimate, logically speaking, how is believing/trusting the WS/WP's communications terribly foolish?

 

I agree. With the powers of hindsight and third-party perspective the entire idea of an affair is incredibly stupid. But it exists; the feelings are powerful, and their effects are profound. Love is not love if it does not hurt someone. We got here not with logic but with love.

[TexasMan68]

Maybe he found someone else to have an affair with....just guessing.

[OneLov]

I am not sure if this is thread jacking, I don't mean it to be. So if it is, I apologize. But I have also wondered this. Not in my case necessarily, but especially for the cases of LTAs. Sometimes, it seems that the WS has been with AP about the same amount of time or longer than the BS! So...yeah.

 

OneLov, I have been reading a lot of your posts recently, and just wanted to say that I think you are very well spoken and appreciate how you present your points of view, whether I agree with them or not.

 

Thank you, Yodel, I enjoy your reading your perspective on this forum as well. For the most part, I think everyone here has something valuable to contribute. I am proud to say people on this website have changed the way I initially thought about things and still continue to shape my thoughts. That does not make me weak or foolish, I feel like it makes me more understanding of other's perspective.

 

I try to be as neutral as I can despite my inherit bias of my role in the triangle. I know I will truly never understand what it feels like to be a BS/BP or a WS/WP; however, I hope through discussions to become more understanding of their pain as well. I think it is essential for the healing process.

 

OneLov

[Ms. Faust]

Maybe he found someone else to have an affair with....just guessing.

 

That was kind of my thought, too. It's certainly a possibility.

[S2B]

Update: he did get in contact via text, purporting to be "busy." But I really think that there was a lot more there than that. He's never been too busy before, if only to get in contact with me for a brief while. Never a week. And like it was no big deal. When it was a big deal. I was so pissed off at how casual he was when he finally got back with me, I couldn't even respond.

 

Look, I'm realistic about this. I know that he's probably in the middle of some home drama that he doesn't want me to know about (I have reasons to believe that the issue has resurfaced again). But this has really made me think about what I can expect from him in the future. Which is obviously more of this.

 

I don't know if I can continue with someone who slides on and off the grid all of the time, and if this will become a pattern, I just cannot do it.

 

This may be a good realization FOR YOU.

 

If you expect more, or even decency, and he's not participating in that way - then I don't blame you for ending it and finding an available man that makes you his top priority.

[waterwoman]

Love is not love if it does not hurt someone. We got here not with logic but with love.

 

Quite. And that applies at the end of an affair too. When a WS sees his spouse paralysed with the pain of their betrayal, it may well be that the putative pain of the OW/OM simply doesn't figure. Choices need to be made and if someone can't make those choices they are clearly willing to leave both people they 'love' hurting indefinitely. That isn't love.

[OneLov]

Quite. And that applies at the end of an affair too. When a WS sees his spouse paralysed with the pain of their betrayal, it may well be that the putative pain of the OW/OM simply doesn't figure. Choices need to be made and if someone can't make those choices they are clearly willing to leave both people they 'love' hurting indefinitely. That isn't love.

 

I agree with you.

[WestEndGirl]

I know most WS/WP never promised anything so they don't owe the OW/OM a future. But you did have a past. So leave it there by affirmatively and unequivocally cutting ties with them. I think you will find most WS/WP here do not do that. They keep the OW/OM on the far side by going silent (that's much different than affirmatively ending it) while they decide if they want or can reconcile. In the event it blows up in their face, they usually contact and hope the OM/OW hasn't moved on.

 

I totally understand this behavior—and yet I don't understand it at all. After an A is revealed, there's that moment of truth: stay or leave. Stay or leave. Most WS/WP know what they really want, I think. It can't be that much of a moral dilemma. I would think playing the hot-cold game with the OM/OW whilst trying to "make it up" to their home squeeze would be too exhausting, and something would have to give.

 

But, I'm me, and other people are not. Maybe some have a greater tolerance for playing both sides of the table. I am not one of them, that's for sure.

[S2B]

I totally understand this behavior—and yet I don't understand it at all. After an A is revealed, there's that moment of truth: stay or leave. Stay or leave. Most WS/WP know what they really want, I think. It can't be that much of a moral dilemma. I would think playing the hot-cold game with the OM/OW whilst trying to "make it up" to their home squeeze would be too exhausting, and something would have to give.

 

But, I'm me, and other people are not. Maybe some have a greater tolerance for playing both sides of the table. I am not one of them, that's for sure.

 

For sure many play both sides of the table.

 

When he quiet with you - he's spending an exhausting amount of time trying to pay attention to his wife.

 

When she gets back to not being SO suspicious - the MM tends to come sniffing around the OW again...many times with a vengeance just to get her back on board. Meanwhile his wife gets a bit neglected at that time.

 

It's an emotional roller coaster of neglect and then overkill... If you like an emotional roller coaster, stay involved.

 

If not, then figure out a way to cut ties for your best interest long term.

 

Best wishes.

[privategal]

I totally understand this behavior—and yet I don't understand it at all. After an A is revealed, there's that moment of truth: stay or leave. Stay or leave. Most WS/WP know what they really want, I think. It can't be that much of a moral dilemma. I would think playing the hot-cold game with the OM/OW whilst trying to "make it up" to their home squeeze would be too exhausting, and something would have to give.

 

But, I'm me, and other people are not. Maybe some have a greater tolerance for playing both sides of the table. I am not one of them, that's for sure.

 

It is complicated though because they want both, even after dday they still want their bubble back, still want their own private indulgence, but now an extra layer of guilt is there and an extra layer of danger...most of us like the 'forbidden' aspect so that non closure adds more mental thought of the ow/om...they mmight be under watch by bs but their tjoughts are still with AP and BS both and everyone is in torment and searching for relief from pain which likely means going back and relieving the void left by abandoning or being abandoned by AP.

[waterwoman]

Going silent might just be because they simply don't know what to say. The conversation is too difficult at the time and they don't have the emotional and mental energy to form the right words. Not an excuse but a possible (if lame) explanation.

[minimariah]

Most WS/WP know what they really want, I think. It can't be that much of a moral dilemma.

 

they do - absolutely.

 

but the thing is -- they want the best of BOTH worlds. it's not only about choosing between two people, most of the time... the WS/WP want romance & attraction that usually comes with the AP relationship & then they want a home, children & a perfect picture family that usually comes with the spouse.

 

most of the time, WS get something from the AP that they can't get from their spouse -- but they also get from their spouse somehing they can't get from their AP - you have to take that into consideration.

 

so "knowing what you want" isn't something that refers only to the person you're in love with, it's also about choosing a certain lifestyle. leaving life with the spouse has some uncomfortable consequences and vice versa. that's why they hesitate when it's the time to choose - at the end of the day, each side has something essential that the WS needs or wants.

 

I would think playing the hot-cold game with the OM/OW whilst trying to "make it up" to their home squeeze would be too exhausting, and something would have to give.

 

in your situation - i don't think he's playing the hot & cold game. you had 2 awesome years and he SUDDENLY NOW decides to make it up to his spouse...?

 

this is the first time this had happened in two years, no? then again, if he is going through trouble at home, why didn't he at least shot you a quick text or called you from someone else's phone or SOMETHING - to let you know what's going on? he can't be that controlled by his spouse that he can't find some way to contact you. wouldn't he tell you if he was caught or going through something...? or maybe his "game plan" is to protect you from his family drama while figuring it out (whatever that may be)...?

 

you said you know this man but i dare to say you only know few sides of him. there is always new and always more and that might just bubble to the surface through your romantic relationship with him. you knew him as a friend but you're just starting to know him as a lover.

Edited November 11, 2015 by minimariah

[OneLov]

Going silent might just be because they simply don't know what to say. The conversation is too difficult at the time and they don't have the emotional and mental energy to form the right words. Not an excuse but a possible (if lame) explanation.

 

That is the conclusion I arrived at as well. By accepting that is what most people do in times of great stress, it helps me not take the affront so personal.

[privategal]

That is the conclusion I arrived at as well. By accepting that is what most people do in times of great stress, it helps me not take the affront so personal.

 

So...all is forgiven...its ok how he's treated you then? Your staying in it?

[OneLov]

So...all is forgiven...its ok how he's treated you then? Your staying in it?

 

Oh hell no! Lol. Just not so pissed anymore. Since I wasn't afforded any, I have to provide myself with closure. It's part of letting go of the person and the circumstantial attachment. I was over her but still felt "stuck." I realized that if I could not get over my resentment for the situation, I would never be able to get over her completely. I'm working on letting go of my feelings of resentment by accepting that is the nature of the beast in A's. When you go down this rabbit hole 2+2=5 and nothing is what it seems. Until it's, "off with your head!"