He's gone ... vanished!

[dreamingoftigers]

I very much agree with this. I know if I were a BW trying to reconcile with a WH I would want him to send a clear and concise letter to the OW letting her know it's totally over and then requesting no contact. I wouldn't be comfortable thinking that somewhere out there is an OW pining for my WH and thinking she just needs to wait for him to come back to her. While I would see the no contact letter as a benefit to me and my marriage I think it would benefit the OW too if she takes it for what it is. Many an OW will still sit in waiting, hoping the MM will come back, even after getting a no contact letter for whatever reasons, but a no contact letter is still better for all parties concerned rather than just going silent.

 

I just wouldn't trust a cheater to deal with his/her relationship(s) honestly anyhow.

 

I honestly don't get why OW / OM expect any kind of consideration from MM / MW

[purplesorrow]

I very much agree with this. I know if I were a BW trying to reconcile with a WH I would want him to send a clear and concise letter to the OW letting her know it's totally over and then requesting no contact. I wouldn't be comfortable thinking that somewhere out there is an OW pining for my WH and thinking she just needs to wait for him to come back to her. While I would see the no contact letter as a benefit to me and my marriage I think it would benefit the OW too if she takes it for what it is. Many an OW will still sit in waiting, hoping the MM will come back, even after getting a no contact letter for whatever reasons, but a no contact letter is still better for all parties concerned rather than just going silent.

 

I can see your point, but I know my ex's ow would have thought I made him write it and he didn't mean it. He cut her off and blocked her and she blamed me. They conducted their affair through his work phone and email so he could have continued to talk to her as much as he did before and I would have never known. She called me after a year asking if she could talk to him, she just didn't want to believe he walked away from her on his own.

[OneLov]

It's ridiculous to expect that 2 adults who have been cheating and lying all of a sudden have a come to Jesus moment & "do the right thing" to stop the affair. There's no moral code - they get out what they put in. The human thing to do was to never have stepped out in the first place. It sounds silly to all of a sudden have to do the right thing by the ap. And vanishing can can happen by or to the cheating spouse.

 

They both left their values at the door by disrespecting marital vows, so they deserve the equivalent if one member of the triangle ends it.

 

I do not expect that because most affairs are discovered and do not end voluntarily. I also think it is absurd to expect someone else to respect marital vows if the vower willingly breaking them does not. BUT that does not mean it is or make it right. I was wrong to be a willing participant in the affair. My loss is my punishment. I do not expect sympathy.

 

But when do we start doing what is right? Is it when the affair is discovered or right after the OM/OW are thrown under the bus passive-aggressively like the OP? I agree it should have been much sooner, but I believe that it is better late than never.

 

The human thing to do is to cast stones and act with prejudice.

[Samhain]

Read quite a few posts from OW/OM over the past few days and one thing has stood out to me. When these affairs come to an end the OW/M often seem to be in complete shock that their AP could treat them with such disrespect, disregard, and act in ways that is supposedly out of character. Completely overlooking the fact that in order for the affair to have ever started, these people were treating their spouses with the same disrespect that is so supposedly "not their usual personality".

 

Liars are adept at allowing you to see one face while concealing another.

 

Not all circumstances are the same of course, but 90% of the time, if not more, the cheater will not leave their spouse and, despite their promises and words, never planned to to start with. When things come to an end, naturally or unnaturally, saving your feelings, giving closure, or even an explanation is too emotionally taxing for cowards. Disappearing is the easy choice, and what does he care? He still has his wife, who will remain more important than you, so he has no reason to think of your feelings. A tough and hurtful lesson to learn as a consequence of bad choices on your part.

[sandylee1]

Isn't it ironic that the general advice on this forum is to go NC as a way of ending an affair, apparently as a MM/MW they deserve no explanation, no closure, no hints that the door may be open for future contact, that's right ..just disappear.

Yet here a MM possibly goes NC according to the rules and he is a 'cowardly' lowlife.

Double standards much?

 

OP, unfortunately this is the painful truth of an affair, you're in a box, not a part of his real life, you are shut out from his real life and it's times like this that show you just how little you really have.

I hope you find out the real reasons for his vanishing to ease your anxiety.

 

You end the A, then you go NC. You don't just vanish.

[sandylee1]

I never thought that nor think that of any BS. I try not to think in absolutes because it only serves to polarize people. I think by coercing the WS/WP to ghost (despite being devastating to the OW/OM) is harmful to the reconciliation process. It may feel good and bring stability to the situation, but the act sends a message that to the cheater that he/she is less responsible for his or her own actions than the OW/OM.

 

I didn't mean you personally...but from so much reading here and speaking to BWs in real life....that's what happens a lot.

 

As far as coercing the WS to vanish..... The fact of the matter is that..if the WS wants to get in touch with you..They will find a way . By work email..borrowing a phone..buying a phone...going to your home and dropping a note...sending a letter...social media (even with a fake account ). Unless he is under 24 hour surveillance, he's made his choice and that tells you everything.

 

I've had 3 WHs tell me that they even made provisions via their attorney to let their OW know if they died........ this is what a man does if he cares enough about you... or maybe these guys were just super organised.

[OneLov]

Read quite a few posts from OW/OM over the past few days and one thing has stood out to me. When these affairs come to an end the OW/M often seem to be in complete shock that their AP could treat them with such disrespect, disregard, and act in ways that is supposedly out of character. Completely overlooking the fact that in order for the affair to have ever started, these people were treating their spouses with the same disrespect that is so supposedly "not their usual personality".

Liars are adept at allowing you to see one face while concealing another.

 

Not all circumstances are the same of course, but 90% of the time, if not more, the cheater will not leave their spouse and, despite their promises and words, never planned to to start with. When things come to an end, naturally or unnaturally, saving your feelings, giving closure, or even an explanation is too emotionally taxing for cowards. Disappearing is the easy choice, and what does he care? He still has his wife, who will remain more important than you, so he has no reason to think of your feelings. A tough and hurtful lesson to learn as a consequence of bad choices on your part.

 

Using your logic, why would any BS/BP reconcile with their WS/WP if they are inherently liars devoid of honesty? If the WS/WP lied to the BS/BP before, lied to OW/OM, he/she will lie to the BS/BP again because that is WS/WP's personality/character. Your argument is circular.

[minimariah]

I know if I were a BW trying to reconcile with a WH I would want him to send a clear and concise letter to the OW letting her know it's totally over and then requesting no contact.

 

i absolutely agree.

 

i'd lose a HUGE amount of respect for my partner if he just brutally cut his OW out of his life. affair or no affair - when you start something, you better end it. with dignity and actual WORDS, not disappearing like a scared child.

 

i think disappearing without a word, affair or normal relationship - is especially painful, hurtful and cruel. no way i could be with a person who is able to do that to someone else.

[OneLov]

I didn't mean you personally...but from so much reading here and speaking to BWs in real life....that's what happens a lot.

 

As far as coercing the WS to vanish..... The fact of the matter is that..if the WS wants to get in touch with you..They will find a way . By work email..borrowing a phone..buying a phone...going to your home and dropping a note...sending a letter...social media (even with a fake account ). Unless he is under 24 hour surveillance, he's made his choice and that tells you everything.

 

I've had 3 WHs tell me that they even made provisions via their attorney to let their OW know if they died........ this is what a man does if he cares enough about you... or maybe these guys were just super organised.

 

I agree that damage control is the 'norm', but I hope to convince people it is not healthy for ANY party. This is the reason why BS/BP unfairly blame themselves because it is easier than accepting that "it just happened" or "it was in the heat of the moment". How do you fix that? You can't. How do you trust it can't happen again, if "just happened?" You can't.

 

You can change behaviors and defective coping mechanisms that led to the person stepping out to prevent it from happening, but you have to recognized the person stepped out and was not ejected or removed kicking and screaming. If that person is allowed to believe, he/she was just having a +12month brain fart or under the trance of some mystic and magical fog, then there will be no changes made and the pattern will continue.

 

There is research on how minimizing and scapegoating is actually worse for reconciliation, than "owning" it. But I believe that is the usual course of actions after dday. I just hope to help someone standing on the edge of the precipice to not make that mistake because it is psychologically worse for all parties involved.

[OneLov]

i think disappearing without a word, affair or normal relationship - is especially painful, hurtful and cruel. no way i could be with a person who is able to do that to someone else.

 

 

I could not have said it better. It is just plain devastating.

 

"All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust. In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go... The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would would say disengagement.......Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain - there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making." - Brene Brown

 

 

Cite: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201209/the-worst-kind-betrayal

Edited November 10, 2015 by OneLov

[WestEndGirl]

I could not have said it better. It is just plain devastating.

 

"All terrible betrayals, definitely, but there is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust. In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go...

 

Thank you. That's one of my favorite Brene Brown passages, because it's so true. People always bang on about "breaking vows", and the first one they automatically jump to is infidelity. But breaking the connection is just as devastating, if not more, because once that's broken, a couple is no more. You can't let the communication and openness slip, not even for a little while.

[WestEndGirl]

Update: he did get in contact via text, purporting to be "busy." But I really think that there was a lot more there than that. He's never been too busy before, if only to get in contact with me for a brief while. Never a week. And like it was no big deal. When it was a big deal. I was so pissed off at how casual he was when he finally got back with me, I couldn't even respond.

 

Look, I'm realistic about this. I know that he's probably in the middle of some home drama that he doesn't want me to know about (I have reasons to believe that the issue has resurfaced again). But this has really made me think about what I can expect from him in the future. Which is obviously more of this.

 

I don't know if I can continue with someone who slides on and off the grid all of the time, and if this will become a pattern, I just cannot do it.

[Dancewithme]

Why spend time worrying about someone who treats you like this? The silence has spoken volumes. Regardless of what is happening in his home, if he wanted to contact you, he could have found a way.

 

You say you cannot be with someone who slides off and on the grid, and you can't be with him if this will be a pattern... If he tries to slide back into your life, and you let him, you can more than likely expect more of the same down the road.

 

You would have taught him how to treat you.

 

If he vanishes into the sunset, never to be heard from again, consider yourself lucky. One less complication in your life. Life is hard enough without manufacturing drama by being in this kind of relationship. Let him be, and you work on living a life you can be proud of.

[privategal]

So after a solid week and all the unreturned communication, a text was enough for him?

No phone call?

This will repeat, repeat, repeat.

Id just fade to black, go dark, no talk, no closure, nothing.

That silence said everything.

"Busy"? To someone you love that you KNOW would be concerned about you and confused?

Its cruel and uncaring.

I hope you turn your back on him and give all the love you've been giving him to yourself now. Ugghhhh.

[Sassy Girl]

If you accept this behaviour then expect more of the same. A week with no good excuse? Busy? Really? Not at work, at home, out shopping .... Not a single minute.

 

I'm a bit surprised you think there has been drama at home and e doesn't want to tell you. At best it means you are right and he's hiding things from you. At worst he has no good reason and just left you high and dry and ignored your messages for a week.

 

That good enough for you?

[Samhain]

Using your logic, why would any BS/BP reconcile with their WS/WP if they are inherently liars devoid of honesty? If the WS/WP lied to the BS/BP before, lied to OW/OM, he/she will lie to the BS/BP again because that is WS/WP's personality/character. Your argument is circular.

 

It's not circular. You are absolutely correct, nothing will stop the WS/WP from lying again as they have already expressed quite implicitly that they are untrustworthy. Of course it's not a given that they will continue being untrustworthy, especially if they are truly repentant and wish to reconcile with their spouse and are mortified at the pain they have caused.

 

My underlying point was that OW/OM often express shock at an AP ending up treating them with disrespect/disregard when it shouldn't be surprising as for an affair to even begin with a WS/WP that person is disrespecting somebody who they made bigger vows to than anybody.

[Popsicle]

Update: he did get in contact via text, purporting to be "busy." But I really think that there was a lot more there than that. He's never been too busy before, if only to get in contact with me for a brief while. Never a week. And like it was no big deal. When it was a big deal. I was so pissed off at how casual he was when he finally got back with me, I couldn't even respond.

 

Look, I'm realistic about this. I know that he's probably in the middle of some home drama that he doesn't want me to know about (I have reasons to believe that the issue has resurfaced again). But this has really made me think about what I can expect from him in the future. Which is obviously more of this.

 

I don't know if I can continue with someone who slides on and off the grid all of the time, and if this will become a pattern, I just cannot do it.

 

I don't believe the "busy" line in the case of A's. It's ways too convenient and easy to hide.

 

Ignoring is what people do when they simply don't care anymore, or don't know how to end it and hope you disappear on your own.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

And you're right, at the very best, it will become a pattern.

[yodelwithyu]

Update: he did get in contact via text, purporting to be "busy."

 

Nobody it THAT busy. Either he is Batman, or he didn't think of you at all this week to consider saying "hi." I am going to go with the latter. I don't think anyone could justify trying to be with someone who cared that little and didn't even try to hide it. Just said he was busy.

[Goodbye]

Update: he did get in contact via text, purporting to be "busy." But I really think that there was a lot more there than that. He's never been too busy before, if only to get in contact with me for a brief while. Never a week. And like it was no big deal. When it was a big deal. I was so pissed off at how casual he was when he finally got back with me, I couldn't even respond.

 

Look, I'm realistic about this. I know that he's probably in the middle of some home drama that he doesn't want me to know about (I have reasons to believe that the issue has resurfaced again). But this has really made me think about what I can expect from him in the future. Which is obviously more of this.

 

I don't know if I can continue with someone who slides on and off the grid all of the time, and if this will become a pattern, I just cannot do it.

 

 

 

You've survived a full week without him...you can survive permanently without him. Busy...bullsh*t. I can tell you exactly what happened. His W became suspicious, and that scared the crap out of him so he went into full-time-husband-mode in overdrive. This is very typical MM behavior, and yes...if you go back with him you can expect this sweet behavior periodically. He has contacted you now, after a week, because his W has become less vigilant. She has stopped giving him the "knowing" sideways look...so he feels a sense of relief and sense of freedom. He dips his toe in by getting back in touch with you, even if just to say he was "busy." Do not bite that hook. March on. Two years are enough.

[Samhain]

He probably has been busy. With his wife and family.

 

This is the issue when people have relationships with married/attached people. It may seem extremely unfair, but their loyalties do not lay with their AP, and very very few WS/WP will act as such.

 

Knowing what you know should be enough for you to put your foot down and never ever settle for anything less ever again. Which means you must move on in life and eventually find your own partner who is exclusively only attached to you.

[Popsicle]

I'm talking about the OW and WH situation and how they are treated in this forum. The BS or BH is betrayed. No one dispute the reality of that.

 

Here let me take the confusion out of it for you, when MM ghost, it's usually because they are married. When OW ghost, it's usually because they are sick of the MM being married.

[yodelwithyu]

If we are talking about blame, I think that starts and ends with the cheater. Sure it says the OW/OM was played like a fool. But what does that say of the BS if he or she is willing to stay? Are they fools for wanting to stay?

 

I am not sure if this is thread jacking, I don't mean it to be. So if it is, I apologize. But I have also wondered this. Not in my case necessarily, but especially for the cases of LTAs. Sometimes, it seems that the WS has been with AP about the same amount of time or longer than the BS! So...yeah.

 

OneLov, I have been reading a lot of your posts recently, and just wanted to say that I think you are very well spoken and appreciate how you present your points of view, whether I agree with them or not.

[Lois_Griffin]

Did it ever occur to anyone that when the bs discovered the affair, the cheater saw the pain and damage he/she had done and realized how badly he wanted the marriage to stay intact?

You mean the SAME pain and damage this cheater saw on the FIRST D-day - then selfishly continued his affair for 2 more years, ANYWAY?

 

He doesn't sound like someone with a conscience or any character at all. He just sounds like a selfish ass whose ALL about me, me, me.

 

And he proves it yet again by completely cutting off the OW and not even giving her at LEAST an explanation for it. And that would be because once again, he's probably doing what benefits HIM.

 

So no, I doubt very highly he's suddenly become human.

 

OP, his selfish behavior has only confirmed what you've always known. He's only looking out Number #1. Always has.

[Ms. Faust]

Sounds like a stand up guy.