To all those struggling

[ZA Dater]

I may or may not be fairly well known around here, sure my posts certainly have from time to time stirred up much debate.

 

 

There is good advice to be had here, read it, take it in but ultimately you need to decide what you want to do but before you can do anything you need to sort yourself out and like yourself for who you are.

 

 

I went on a date, yet again another huge disappointment but you know what I am not too worried about it, from the outset this was just me trying new things and here is my point, try things, you really don't have much to loose, forget about what other think but see each experience as a learning one.

 

 

Its easy to be 20's or 30s like me and have no hope but that's totally untrue, hope is all around us, each and everyday we have a choice, either go out there and make the best of it or sit and moan, the latter is far easier but does nothing to actually improve who we are.

 

 

I decided to get radical and totally change my approach to pretty much everything, confidence, people say its hard to find, actually that's not so true, confidence comes from interacting with other and the more you do that more the confident you become. Even its random people. Sure, I wont be approaching random people and asking them on dates because that's not me but I do feel vastly better after gaining some confidence.

 

 

Yes, you will have extremely lonely days but find something or someone to focus on, be it gym, be it work but it a hobby. Dating and the pursuit of it can become all consuming and that's not a healthy space to be in. You need in my opinion, to build something around that for me its the pursuit of one thing but I am not letting that define me but rather using it as motivation to be better at the things I am not so good at.

 

 

No matter your circumstance there is positive somewhere, find that and you have the key to the door of confidence.

 

 

Am I going to get what I want, maybe, maybe not but there is never any harm in trying, you will always find naysayers in life, listen to them, decide if what they say has merit but ultimately you need to be driven by what comes from within and by that I mean not by over thinking.

 

 

Overthinking is probably what ultimately ruins many of the chances for people like me who struggle, its easy to over think, go with a defined idea.

 

 

I guess this post is really motivation to not give up, giving up gets you nowhere at all. To keep trying is what will ultimately get you to where you want to be.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I may or may not be fairly well known around here, sure my posts certainly have from time to time stirred up much debate.

 

 

There is good advice to be had here, read it, take it in but ultimately you need to decide what you want to do but before you can do anything you need to sort yourself out and like yourself for who you are.

 

 

I went on a date, yet again another huge disappointment but you know what I am not too worried about it, from the outset this was just me trying new things and here is my point, try things, you really don't have much to loose, forget about what other think but see each experience as a learning one.

 

 

Its easy to be 20's or 30s like me and have no hope but that's totally untrue, hope is all around us, each and everyday we have a choice, either go out there and make the best of it or sit and moan, the latter is far easier but does nothing to actually improve who we are.

 

 

I decided to get radical and totally change my approach to pretty much everything, confidence, people say its hard to find, actually that's not so true, confidence comes from interacting with other and the more you do that more the confident you become. Even its random people. Sure, I wont be approaching random people and asking them on dates because that's not me but I do feel vastly better after gaining some confidence.

 

 

Yes, you will have extremely lonely days but find something or someone to focus on, be it gym, be it work but it a hobby. Dating and the pursuit of it can become all consuming and that's not a healthy space to be in. You need in my opinion, to build something around that for me its the pursuit of one thing but I am not letting that define me but rather using it as motivation to be better at the things I am not so good at.

 

 

No matter your circumstance there is positive somewhere, find that and you have the key to the door of confidence.

 

 

Am I going to get what I want, maybe, maybe not but there is never any harm in trying, you will always find naysayers in life, listen to them, decide if what they say has merit but ultimately you need to be driven by what comes from within and by that I mean not by over thinking.

 

 

Overthinking is probably what ultimately ruins many of the chances for people like me who struggle, its easy to over think, go with a defined idea.

 

 

I guess this post is really motivation to not give up, giving up gets you nowhere at all. To keep trying is what will ultimately get you to where you want to be.

 

Yea, good stuff. I see your attitude changing and you becoming happier.

 

I've posted or lurked on dating forums a long time, and never have I seen a guy who was doing badly with women take somebody's dating advice or change his attitude and all of a sudden become a mack daddy. Never seen it.

 

What does happen sometimes is that guy will meet a nice gal and start a relationship. Probably would have met that women without the dating advice, maybe yes, maybe no.

 

My trick with not just dating, but social interactions is not to try and charm people, but just to be a nice guy. Yes, I want to be a NICER guy. Scary. I mean, really, all you can do is try your best. If no women want you, and no people like you, you've still treated people well. The way you'd want to be treated.

 

Like you said, your 'social results' should never define you as a person. Keep at it, but don't let it define you. Let other things define you.

[JustGettingBy]

I've found recently, from a self-help book, that my over-thinking and low self-esteem are very cause and effect---I over think, causing me to think of the worst case-scenario and obsess over it. Something to keep in mind for other as well, perhaps.

[Tikva]

I've found recently, from a self-help book, that my over-thinking and low self-esteem are very cause and effect---I over think, causing me to think of the worst case-scenario and obsess over it. Something to keep in mind for other as well, perhaps.

What book? I think I need it.

[JustGettingBy]

What book? I think I need it.

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Handbook for Dummies. It shows fictional people thinking they're terrible for small mistakes or incidents, shows how they should think of it "I just have to change (insert small thing to change here)" and then challenges you to do the same for similar situations in your life.

[ZA Dater]

I've found recently, from a self-help book, that my over-thinking and low self-esteem are very cause and effect---I over think, causing me to think of the worst case-scenario and obsess over it. Something to keep in mind for other as well, perhaps.

 

Excellent advice and so very true! When I over thinks its always over thinking the worst case scenario...

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Glad to see your mindset improving

[StBreton]

ZA ... did someone kidnap you and the new person is now posting on LS? You've done a 180 guy! At least your words are 180:)

 

In any case...I'm very happy for you that you're putting yourself out there and taken on a more carefree and positive attitude.

 

That one date may not have sent you to the moon...but if you make little adjustments and extend yourself with each encounter, you'll self-actualize into the person you would like to be ... and in turn might lead you to bond with someone who's been waiting for a guy with just your qualities.

 

Cheers ZA! Keep up the good attitude:)

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

ZA ... did someone kidnap you and the new person is now posting on LS? You've done a 180 guy! At least your words are 180:)

 

In any case...I'm very happy for you that you're putting yourself out there and taken on a more carefree and positive attitude.

 

That one date may not have sent you to the moon...but if you make little adjustments and extend yourself with each encounter, you'll self-actualize into the person you would like to be ... and in turn might lead you to bond with someone who's been waiting for a guy with just your qualities.

 

Cheers ZA! Keep up the good attitude:)

 

Yup, "waiting", because that's what women do best, they are waiters

[ZA Dater]

ZA ... did someone kidnap you and the new person is now posting on LS? You've done a 180 guy! At least your words are 180:)

 

In any case...I'm very happy for you that you're putting yourself out there and taken on a more carefree and positive attitude.

 

That one date may not have sent you to the moon...but if you make little adjustments and extend yourself with each encounter, you'll self-actualize into the person you would like to be ... and in turn might lead you to bond with someone who's been waiting for a guy with just your qualities.

 

Cheers ZA! Keep up the good attitude:)

 

 

Thanks, clearly this renewed optimism does radiate because a certain someone has apparently started to notice...

 

 

I think one needs some self belief and sometimes that can be especially hard to find but its important to find it, in whatever form you find it.

 

 

The easiest thing to do is give up and moan, its far harder to look at oneself, try things, yes, have a common ain and here people will probably disagree with me but don't give up on things, the old adage of if you don't succeed at first then try again.

 

 

I know what I have to offer, I know what I can do and I know I am good person with lots to give.

[Qboro90]

What happened on the date? Any details... What'd you do/say/act? Etc

[StBreton]

Yup, "waiting", because that's what women do best, they are waiters

 

They also serve who sit and wait.

 

--Milton

[Philosopher]

Excellent advice and so very true! When I over thinks its always over thinking the worst case scenario...

 

I suffer from the over thinking problem frequently, which I agree is not good as you tend to think what will go wrong instead of right. The problem I have is trying not to over think. Keeping busy definitely helps somewhat, but there are always going to be those times when it is hard not to over think, such as when you are lying in bed. For me, and possibly other introverted guys it can be very hard to switch off your internal thoughts unless you very preoccupied with something else.

[ZA Dater]

What happened on the date? Any details... What'd you do/say/act? Etc

 

Must be honest here, I went on the date as means to get practice and from minute one we didn't really click on any sort of level so it was a case of back to past frustrations and I again found my mind turning off and wishing I was somewhere else.

 

 

All of which sounds pretty damming but the positive part I guess was I wasn't a bundle of nerves, mainly because I suspect I saw this as a training run from the beginning more than anything serious.

 

 

Another positive is the new style I have adopted is getting me notices and it is getting me compliments so for me that's the win so far out of all of this and compliments do make one feel good!

 

 

I really think each one of us here to lesser or greater degree's is our own worst enemy when it comes to dating. For me I am much happier now, many things are much better and I seem to have found quite a happy place, even if its a single place.

 

 

I still have my ideal date and I am working towards that, the big difference now is I feel so much better as a person, I walk with more confidence, speak with more confidence and yes the things I like haven't changed the person I like hasn't changed but my positivity has changed for the better, rather than seeming like an impossible challenge it feels like a challenge I can actually accomplish.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

They also serve who sit and wait.

 

--Milton

 

i'm just being sarcastic towards women since women generally play a passive role in the world of dating and relationships when it comes to meeting guys, meeting a potential boyfriend

[burnt]

I've found recently, from a self-help book, that my over-thinking and low self-esteem are very cause and effect---I over think, causing me to think of the worst case-scenario and obsess over it. Something to keep in mind for other as well, perhaps.

 

So true.

Makes me think of the joke:

"I'm overworked and stressed, so I should take it easy and relax;

but then since I'm taking it easy, work is piling up, and now I'm stressed trying to catch up."

[impatiently_patient]

NONE of this applies to me.

 

 

• My confidence is fine, thank you. We're not the same.
  
• I don't think that much about dating actually, there's just no opportunities for whatever reason.
  

 

 

 

 

¯\(°_o)/¯

[burnt]

I suffer from the over thinking problem frequently, which I agree is not good as you tend to think what will go wrong instead of right. The problem I have is trying not to over think. Keeping busy definitely helps somewhat, but there are always going to be those times when it is hard not to over think, such as when you are lying in bed. For me, and possibly other introverted guys it can be very hard to switch off your internal thoughts unless you very preoccupied with something else.

 

Your username is Philosopher and you suffer from over-thinking??

No kidding!!

 

There's a good book on mindfulness titled "Get out of your mind and into your life", I only got passed chapter 2, then gave up.

No wonder, I'm still living in my mind and not in my life.

 

Sorry…couldn't help it--but this 'thinking' thread just made me think of this video:

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I hate it whenever people say that men become more attractive as they age because even if I do become more attractive as I age, it won't make up for what I missed out on my teens and most of my 20's

[ZA Dater]

I hate it whenever people say that men become more attractive as they age because even if I do become more attractive as I age, it won't make up for what I missed out on my teens and most of my 20's

 

Sad but true unfortunately.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Sad but true unfortunately.

 

Ya, for the past 2 years or year and a half now I've had the strong belief, mindset, that its much harder for woman to miss out on either her teens or 20's, easier for them to enjoy their youth, because let's face it, all women have to do is go out and show up, and seriously, ya I'm ****in' aware its how God damn reality works, I don't care of being assertive, proactive and going for what you want, women being limited because they don't choose who they talk to gives you an advantage, even if being the initiator gives you power, its a power I never liked, just like Rogue from X-Men doesn't like her power of absorbing other people's energy, life

[Vilgefoz]

NONE of this applies to me.

 

 

• My confidence is fine, thank you. We're not the same.
  
• I don't think that much about dating actually, there's just no opportunities for whatever reason.
  

 

 

 

 

¯\(°_o)/¯

 

Yeah, finally somebody said it. Thanks bro!

 

 

I don't know why everybody thinks that people with no romantic life have low self esteem.

 

 

In my case: I go to girl, I talk to her. I invite her out, she says no. Game over ( and NO, my feets do not stink!)

[Vilgefoz]

I hate it whenever people say that men become more attractive as they age because even if I do become more attractive as I age, it won't make up for what I missed out on my teens and most of my 20's

 

yeah dude, that's true. Life sux

[impatiently_patient]

Yeah, finally somebody said it. Thanks bro!

 

I don't know why everybody thinks that people with no romantic life have low self esteem.

 

Because you've got all these armchair Dr. Phils all over the Internet (in particular) and media painting a picture that's not accurate. See how they tried this crap in my other thread. If it's not low self esteem, then it's because you're a jerk, if you're not a jerk, it's because you're a nice guy, be a jerk... and filter your photos!

 

Set your strawman plushie down, hang the psych degree back on the wall, log off Loveshack, and get back to waiting tables.

 

 

 

 

In my case: I go to girl, I talk to her. I invite her out, she says no. Game over ( and NO, my feets do not stink!)

 

Yup. I've found the ONLY women who like you are the ones who ask you out. Simple as that.

[ZA Dater]

Yeah, finally somebody said it. Thanks bro!

 

 

I don't know why everybody thinks that people with no romantic life have low self esteem.

 

 

In my case: I go to girl, I talk to her. I invite her out, she says no. Game over ( and NO, my feets do not stink!)

 

I think in many ways you are 100% correct, clearly your experience has shaped your point of view. Of course you get some here who seem to have no issue dating at all and millions of others who find it easy.

 

I have attempted some monumentally difficult things but dating by far has trumped even those, simply because I think those of us who struggle mostly suffer from the same issues

: we don't conform

: we are free thinking

: possibly the quiet intelligent type

 

Bad experiences do scar, of that I have no doubt at all, there is much evidence to suggest that, many posts here to prove it yet further and society itself doesn't help because I don't know about you but socially I feel like an outcast going to even/party after party and being the only single person there. Society does unfortunately judge and yes, we can try and ignore that but its extremely difficult.

 

I maintain the key here is to really find something in life to care about, me I have resorted to philanthropy, feels good to give and to help others and actually feels like I am making a difference.

 

People I find don't really understand what it feels like to be scarred, more so if the people themselves have been highly successful and I think a recent conversation with a successful friend is worth reciting here.

 

Him: "You know I really battled, the only way I ever met anyone was through friends, I don't have much confidence either"

 

Yet he dated numerous fantastic people before he met his wife, there was not a time during the last decade where he didn't have a nice girlfriend.

 

Him: " you must open your mind, how about going after ABC (ABC being someone of the calibre he wouldn't even look twice at), she is very nice.

 

Me: "Yes but why dated when I get rejected all the time?"

 

Him: "Everyone gets rejected"

 

Me: "Yes but not everyone gets rejected all the time".

 

Here is the thing, anyone who can challenge me that constant rejection is normal would need to find me a good sample of successful dating people who at the age of 31 have only ever experienced rejection. People say one should not get hung up on it but being human we do wonder why, you do develop a complex about it and yes, you do actually become bitter about it and there is no reason to be ashamed of being bitter.

 

Point being people like said friend CANNOT understand what its like to be rejected continuously because IT HASNT HAPPENED TO THEM, thus they cannot relate and for the most part any advice dispensed becomes largely irrelevant.