Dating Progression--"taking it slow" suggests non-interest?

[katiegrl]

Because *I* need emotional intimacy, and I have yet to have gotten it from any guy I've ever been with. What I need is at least as important as what they need. Like I said, I never was arguing against a kiss on the lips. Having to have sex before I am ready or willing to is not something I feel I should be willing to do.

 

Bolded... sorry I misunderstood.

 

 

I was going by what you said in your original post:

 

 

I've been reading and responding to various threads about dating and something has stood out to me: it seems that if you aren't ready/willing to kiss after a couple of dates, or if you don't reply immediately to texts, or if you mix one-on-one dates with dates that include others in your [perhaps shared to some extent] social circle, you risk seeming not interested, or that you've "friend-zoned" the person.

[SwordofFlame]

I dated several women who held hands, sat near me, stroked my arm, ran their fingers through my hair, and even kissed me (no tongue). These women later told me they were not interested in me sexually, usually with a "we should be friends" line.This is perfectly fine. What's not fine is using me emotionally and financially while coming to this conclusion.Why not go with the "friends first" approach? While it hasn't happened often, this approach has worked out well for me and when it hasn't worked out, I did not feel bitter or used at the end.

As a fellow guy who's felt used before, I could not agree more.

The key here is to not make the guy feel like he's being used. It should not be one sided. Now whether you do that with physical affection or something else like planning/paying for dates is up to you.

[Kamille]

GreenCove, you could be me. I'm an introvert-extrovert, men often take my capacity to make conversation as a mark of interest, I find the dating world to be rushed and wonder if it's all about egos and I'm 39. I also value emotional-intimacy.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the men I'm dating have lost their capacity for emotional intimacy. It's like they want to connect, but their idea of connecting is me sitting passively, in admiration of them. Only, what's in that dynamic for me?

 

I'm trying to change my conversational style as a result. I think its part of the problem. Because I'm an introvert who takes a long time to open up, I'm very comfortable asking questions and not revealing myself. But that means the conversation is pretty much all about them all the time. So now, I ask less back up questions, refrain on showing too much enthusiasm for what they're saying and try to leave moments when they can ask me about me. Some men still don't go there (they'll fill the silence with a story about themselves) but others gladly take the opportunity to ask about me.

[RedRobin]

Part of this could be generational. The men in this age range weren't likely raised to value emotional intimacy.... In themselves... Enter OLD with the constant churn and pressure for everyone to make snap decisions... And this is what we get.

 

I'll admit that my current dating approach was shaped by

 

- I am over 30

- I am divorced and now 'widowed'

- I was obliged to be dating in a region that had lots more women than men. Most available men there had serious issues of one kind or another. The ones without those issues were juggling women and sleeping around. Not stable.

 

So, I moved. To a part of the country with lots more men than women, and lots more men who likely don't have the issues you'd find in a Rust Belt economy. ? we will see how it goes.

 

I am doing my best to hit the 'reset' button on all that garbage I encountered while in Upstate NY...

 

If I may ask, OP, what part of the country do you live in? Some of these issues are definitely regional and cultural.