KWhitehouse Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 My name is Kate,I'm 42 and my husband,Stuart is 31 .We've been married for 8 years now but we've been a couple for 13. We don't have kids because he never wanted any.Our relationship has always been difficult due to our age gap as well as our different personalities. We've never been able to get along.As a matter of fact in the beginning of our marriage we argued non stop. 1 week towards our marriage he threatened to divorce me which is something he's always done-he's always threatened me whenever I don't share his opinion or oppose him about something. To say that I've always been his slave would be an overstatement because he's not and has never been an abusive man,however,he made me submissive,he made me follow his rules in this relationship.The same thing applies to our sex life-whatever he likes goes,my preferences and fantasies don't matter and despite that i enjoy making love with him.He's always told me that he has more rights than me as he's the dominant gender. While we were still dating,about 10 years ago,I worked as a High School teacher and he was still a student in University. Unfortunately,for him,I had to quit my job because he saw me shaking another teacher's hand after a meeting who happened to be a male,when picking me up from school so he flew off the handle and started threatening to leave me if I didn't quit. I had to choose between him and my profession so obviously I chose the love of my life.He said he wanted to support both of us after he graduated from University because this way he'd be sure I wasn't cheating. I had to put up with that,even accept it so a couple of years later after he graduated he became a dentist and to this day I'm nothing but a housewife. I've always wanted kids but as I mentioned in the first paragraph he didn't want any.Me and him discussed this many times and his answer was always: "I don't want kids,I was not cut out for that" and he's always been conflicted and the last time we talked about it(a couple of years ago) he threatened to leave me if ai didn't accept his final answer. Even though I was in tears and didn't feel complete I chose to be with him again because I just love him so much.At that moment,though,I was sure he didn't love me.This has always been an unreciprocated love and despite that I still love him and can't imagine my life without him. Recently, he's made a habit of coming home late from work.He told me he had busy days.I believed him the first two weeks but then I started getting suspicious.Deep down inside of me,I knew he was cheating on me but I didn't want to believe it so I went to his work to see what was happening,he wasn't there which raised my suspicion even more.I looked for him for quite awhile,I asked his coworkers if they knew anything but unfortunately they didn't say a word.I met his best friend Tom later on,he told me to calm down,sat me down at this cafe and told me everything over a cup of coffee.He even showed me what his "mistress" looked like.She was younger and prettier than me.At that moment,I knew that Tom wanted something from me,otherwise why would he be so nice and honest I mean he's best friends with my husband.It's safe to say I was very distraught and vulnerable so he took advantage of me.We ended up going to his apartment and having sex that night. The following day,I felt guilty and even though I only cheated once unlike my husband who cheated many times I still couldn't tell him because I knew he'd divorce me right on the spot.I made a mistake and shared this piece of information with Tom so he's been blackmailing me ever since.I'm still having an affair with him,moreover,he blackmails me into doing dirty things with him like giving him blowjobs in my kitchen, in his car,he's made me dress up as a dentist and pretend like I'm his sexy colleague and whatnot.I feel like a whore,so ashamed and guilty but at the same time,I enjoy having an affair.I'm getting back at my husband for everything he's done to me and everything he hasn't. Yesterday,when he was obvioulsy gone,I spoke to him on the phone so he told me that Tom would be coming over that night with his wife for dinner but might come earlier than him as he was "busy",at that very moment I was on my knees blowing Tom(obviously not while talking on the phone)and my lips were coated with Tom's sperm.I was feeling so naughty at that moment so I was giggling and told my husband that Tom already came to which me and Tom started laughing which left my husband confused. When I hung up the phone I went back to giving him a blowjob.At dinner,I felt miserable and ended up crying in the bathroom.I never thought I'd ever end up being a whore and with such an unhappy life. Today,I feel like I have to divorce my husband once and for all and end this affair because I don't feel complete and happy.I regret nothing I've done because he cheated first and mistreated me for such a long time.At the same time I love my husband and just the thought of me being without him makes me distraught.I would gladly start over with him but if he finds out I had an affair like him he will never forgive me unlike me-I can forgive him. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Toxic toxic toxic. There is no advice I can give you to stay in such a toxic relationship. Sorry be you need to get yourself into therapy because you are the problem not him...you chose to be with him regardless of the abuse, red flags, his lack of want for children, fighting, etc. You are an adult, you had free will to walk away. If you continue to be in this marriage, you will continue to be belittled, abused and unhappy. Hun there is a better life out there for you trust me on that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 ^^ Totally agree. ^^ There was never any hope for you from the beginning. What on earth makes you think there might be any now? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KWhitehouse Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 ^^ Totally agree. ^^ There was never any hope for you from the beginning. What on earth makes you think there might be any now? Because love has always been enough for me,I love him so much I feel like I can get over anything. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Because love has always been enough for me,I love him so much I feel like I can get over anything. Now love isn't enough, and you have lost a lot of your life because of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Because love has always been enough for me,I love him so much I feel like I can get over anything. Yes. The big problem is, you can't love sufficiently to make up for his lack of input. You both have ownership of 50% of this deal. You put 100% into yours, but goodness knows how little he puts into his. What, maybe, 15%? You can't make up his 85% shortfall. It can't be done. You love him because you think you need to. You can't fix him, and you can't fix this, on your own. You may love him so much, but you need to love yourself enough to stop doing this, because your love is warped and dysfunctional. LOve, isn't enough. And loving him, is doing you no good at all. If you feel you can get over anything, then why post your lament? Why? Because you're reaching the end of your tether. You're feeling weaker and weaker and you know this is killing you. You know you can't go on like this. Love may always have been enough for you - but get this: he doesn't love you. Not in the way you either need or deserve. And you know it, which is why you despair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KWhitehouse Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Now love isn't enough, and you have lost a lot of your life because of it. I know but he is my everything and I can't even begin to explain it.It's like..if I had to go through all of this again just to be with him I'd do it in a heartbeat Link to post Share on other sites
Author KWhitehouse Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Yes. The big problem is, you can't love sufficiently to make up for his lack of input. You both have ownership of 50% of this deal. You put 100% into yours, but goodness knows how little he puts into his. What, maybe, 15%? You can't make up his 85% shortfall. It can't be done. You love him because you think you need to. You can't fix him, and you can't fix this, on your own. You may love him so much, but you need to love yourself enough to stop doing this, because your love is warped and dysfunctional. LOve, isn't enough. And loving him, is doing you no good at all. If you feel you can get over anything, then why post your lament? Why? Because you're reaching the end of your tether. You're feeling weaker and weaker and you know this is killing you. You know you can't go on like this. Love may always have been enough for you - but get this: he doesn't love you. Not in the way you either need or deserve. And you know it, which is why you despair. You are so right...I wish I had the power within me to just leave him and move on.Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 I know but he is my everything and I can't even begin to explain it.It's like..if I had to go through all of this again just to be with him I'd do it in a heartbeat Well then what is it you want, in fact? You asked us what you should do. On the face of what you've posted, we've advised you that getting out is by far the best thing you could do. Why are you so dependent on him? What are you REALLY scared of? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KWhitehouse Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Well then what is it you want, in fact? You asked us what you should do. On the face of what you've posted, we've advised you that getting out is by far the best thing you could do. Why are you so dependent on him? What are you REALLY scared of? I am so sorry,I guess I am just confused.I just haven't decided what to do yet.Thank you so much for your responses! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 The problem for you is that you've lived with this situation for so long, that your mind is clouded - both by his persistent and repeated behaviour and attitude, AND the fact that you are playing into this blackmail rubbish. Tom is taking advantage of you, for sure, but you know what? Call his bluff. If he's your H's best friend, he may actually not tell him for fear of incurring his anger. On the other hand, if he DOES tell him (consequences for him be damned) you at least will be given a way out, and can counter-sue for his infidelity. You're really not as helpless or confused as perhaps you make out you are. But you have to stop playing games, because you do your own morality and integrity no favours. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you like "who" you see? "Who" do you wish you were looking at? What kind of a life would she be leading? Who would she be? Make yourself someone you admire, and stop playing stupid games. You're a grown-up now. Quit believing you're being manipulated, controlled, blackmailed, coerced or victimised. Do something. But be honest with yourself. Until you square up to the facts, you're just kidding yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 No, there isn't any hope. Sorry, but I don't see how this situation benefits you in any way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myragal Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 His has nothing up to do with 'him'. It's all to do with you. You have major issues. Seek help. It's not about this or that or him doing this and therefore..., etc. Mature, well adjusted adults don't behave the way you have in the past or the present. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 I know but he is my everything and I can't even begin to explain it.It's like..if I had to go through all of this again just to be with him I'd do it in a heartbeat You have relationship co-dependency....you should seek out a good therapist. Your perception of you love for him is distorted and unhealthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 you had sex with the guy that told you your husband was having an affair? (now how many times have i seen this in the forums) now do you have other evidence that your husband had an affair, other than what OM told do you, any other evidence? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KWhitehouse Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 you had sex with the guy that told you your husband was having an affair? (now how many times have i seen this in the forums) now do you have other evidence that your husband had an affair, other than what OM told do you, any other evidence? No,apart from him always coming home late,I don't,but he is cheating,I am if. Ot 100 then 99% sure,he's also always on his phone in bed at night Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I am not in agreement with you that being on his phone at night and the guy you are sc***ing told you such are anything that I would consider valid proof or evidence. I read LS and other social media as a way to unwind at night before I shut things down too, however I am not cheating. This TOM sounds like a real gem..... Whatever you decide, either way, you need to let your H know the kind of guy TOM is, so that TOM won't get a bite of the next apple if you two split. No real good answer here but the first think I would do is to get into IC and get some professional advise as to the why you began this and a bit of guidance as to how to get out of the situation. I think you need to be prepared for either outcome, your H likely will split with you but never say never as he may be stronger than most and be willing to try R. Either way, you need to understand your actions and avoid this going forward. Professional help is warranted. Link to post Share on other sites
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