when your husband won't apologize?

[BettyDraper]

Now a recent update:

 

I knew immediately I did not want to loose him. And I said it to him. But I also made it clear that I won't be his back up plan. So if he wants to leave, he should do that now. I don't want to come back in 3 months' time and rediscover the affair was never over. If he still has resentment, he needs to lay that down now. So that I could let him go if thats what he wants. Thats when he broke down and said it was me he loved all along but didn't know if I loved him too. He wanted me to understand but he was afraid to even approach me with anything. We both broke down. And he finally apologized for what he had done.

 

Husband is still working at that old place. After so much that happened, losing that job was not an option. We are not very rich and we have bills and mortgages to pay.

 

But there has been some changes. Husband and I decided to take lunches together. He needed to come home on time. His electronic stuff should all be available to me. Same for me. Even a reconciled relationship is a two way street.

 

And he has kept all my requests for openness and transparency. And he has apologized alot. I have too for the awful way I treated him.

 

We have been to MC and IC intensively. I found out many things about myself I didn't know I had due to my FOO issues. He found out too many things about himself in IC. We shared everything and discussed with each other. In MC, we learnt that our communication was horrible. We have read books recommended. Especially Five languages of love helped us tremendously.

 

I truly think we are well into our journey of recovery. But there is still a long way to go because our progress will only be tested when (and I hope it never comes) there comes another time of adversity and it remains to be seen that whether all the work we are doing now is able to stand against that. But I really believe it will.

 

P.S - My husband was not the monster people made him out to be here.

 

 

I'm glad that you and your husband are on the journey to recovery.

 

Quitting his job without consulting you was immature and selfish. I don't blame you for being angry though raging for days was unacceptable. Losing your nephew was a huge blow for both you and your husband. Having to take care of your SIL with hardly any money coming in must have been difficult for both of you and I imagine that your anger must have only worsened because of the burden.

 

While you contributed to your husband's affair by not being supportive, his decision to cheat was his alone and it was the wrong way to handle his issues with you.

 

A marriage is only as good as the worst times. Any couple can stay together when times are great but not every couple can get through adversity. I can tell you that it feels wonderful to come out on the other side.

[OldRover]

<<<<<<<Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post

Hi Ladydesigner, I guess you have taken just one sentence out of my post and simplified everything by saying that everyone is responsible for their actions. Are you sure that you can hold everyone responsible for something they may have done irrespective of the state of their minds? People suffer from all kinds of mental trauma and sometimes the degree of their of suffering is such that they do irrational things.I am not condoning anything that Alice's husband may have done but the fact that she has very clearly stated that she does not want to divorce him indicates that despite his actions she believes in an underlying bond between them which she feels will help them repair the damaged state of their marriage. She is in the driver's seat in this matter and maybe the rest of us here should refrain from doing strident backseat driving on her behalf. I think it is better to offer her a range of viewpoints so that she can make an informed decision about how to proceed further, pro actively, to save her marriage if she can possibly do so. I think she is well aware of the fact that her husband has hit at the foundations of their marriage and she is now seeking advice on ways and means to be able to retrieve the situation and see if there is anything left to salvage. She has been hurt grievously by her husband's breach of trust and yet she has decided to work on the marriage to try and save it. She would not do so if she was convinced her husband was a blackguard who did not deserve a second chance.

I think it is our responsibility as members of this forum to try and help people who come here with as positive advice as may be possible rather than bring out the negativity residing in us because of our own painful experiences which may not bear scrutiny when applied to a case such as the present one. Alice please do read my previous post and see if you think you would like to help your husband heal enough so that he eventually does offer up the apology that you need to be able to move forward with reconciliation. Cheers!

>>>>>>>>

Well just saying! I was held responsible for how I acted as a BS to my WH's A and let's just say I was not let off the hook for my own behavior.

 

Lady,

This thread is about Alice, and we should be addressing HER issues. What you did could be totally different. Nice to point out as an example but not as a requirement.

 

I'm not going to say who was bad or worse, there's MUCH worse situations out there and much worse things that having an affair or raging and nagging one.

 

It's over.

 

=======

 

Alice,

 

Congratulations. No more comments about the bad or good in the past. Only use that to help your future, but make some boundaries about not bringing it up again.... especially the painful things.

 

Work on your future, you've got a good start on your initial goal. You CAN make it, and you CAN be happy. Keep up the positive things. Read the 5 Love Languages to him, or let him read it to you.....you won't be able to do it without tears of happiness.

Build on your positive things.... learn to speak in each others love language.

 

Sounds like you've established goals and boundaries... keep them as a promise. Spend quality time together.... just the two of you with no interruptions. And, look each other in the eye with love in your heart.

 

Keep us posted.

[sandylee1]

This is really good news..... I hope you continue on the road to recovery and that your relationship goes from strength to strength.