Yes I snooped, but I honestly feel it was justified. Should I confront her about it?

[tpaine]

Hi, I'm new here. I don't usually post my problems online, but I'm going crazy here and need help.

 

Here's the background: We've been together for 9 months. I'm 20 and she's 19, and other than this one issue, the relationship has been going great. It's the first serious relationship for both of us and we feel really connected. I'm in love and she tells me she loves me too, and it's getting to the point where I'm thinking she's the one. She is way over my head, by far the best gf I ever had. She not only does things for me, but she's very beautiful. The kind of girl all the guys want, pretty much the hottest girl around. I can't even believe I got a girl this perfect. But the best part of all to me is that she has morals. She is a virgin and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I'm not that religious but I like this about her because I am a virgin myself. But we've done pretty much everything but actual intercourse, and I like knowing that this is the farthest she's ever went herself, as being a virgin I don't want a girl with a "history".

 

But anyways, the only problem we've ever had or argue about is that I get a little suspicious of her sometimes, and she will get defensive about it, which makes me even more suspicious. It's not that I think she's cheating, but I feel I have good reason to worry, especially if she's going to be defensive about it. She's really hot and wears very revealing clothes, guys are always looking at her and talking about her, and she seems to always be flirting with them. I don't think she's doing it on purpose, but she's really touchy feely with them and it makes me uncomfortable. But when I complain about it, she says she's just being "friendly" and she gets really defensive. She will accuse me of being jealous and then she will lecture me about how she hates "insecure guys", and how she will break up with any guy who's a "snooper", and she says she's had guy friends like that in the past who were "control freaks" and she couldn't handle it. I've thought about it and I don't think she flirts on purpose, that's just how she is, plus I know it's to be expected when you have a such a hot gf, so I try my best to just blow it off as the price you pay for having the kind of girl every guy wants.

 

But it's really hard to trust her when it seems she almost has a secret life. I've slowly noticed this over the course of our relationship and it really bothers me. It seems she never has any time to see me, even though I only live 20 minutes away. I end up seeing her just a few nights a week, and always at my place. During the day, she says she's "studying with friends" or "having lunch with some friends" and never has time to even talk. After 9 months I've never seen her during the day, only evenings. And even in the evenings she will often tell me she's at home "studying with some friends". I know you guys might think that's normal, but the problem is that I don't know any of these "friends", and she's very defensive about it when I ask. I will usually just get something like "they're friends from school" or "friends from high school", but when I press for more info she gets defensive, and that gives me IMO a good reason to be suspicious. I even noticed that her friends list is locked so I can't see all her friends, and I see no good reason for this. I asked her why she does this and she gave me a lecture about privacy. Well, I understand privacy but a secret life with secret friends is just not appropriate IMO. At this stage of our relationship I think I have a right to know more.

 

Well, at any rate, the situation came to head about a week ago. I went through her phone. I know that's "snooping' and she'd be really pissed if she found out, but I was going crazy with suspicion, and I felt I had the right with how secretive she is. I didn't have much time, maybe only about a minute, but I went to her FB account to see who all these "friends" really were. I was shocked to see a long list of people I didn't know, including lots of guys. In addition to this, I noticed that one conversation was incredibly long, pages and pages. Some guy named "Tony". I didn't have time to read any msgs to see if any were sexual in nature, from scrolling I didn't see anything bad, but the number of msgs was disturbing. Obviously this one particular "friend" was either a bit more than that or else they had an awful lot to talk about recently.

 

I was really upset, and I tried asking her about this guy, but she got really defensive about it and won't give me any info, which just makes me even more suspicious. She just says he's a "friend from high school" who is in the same major and so is part of her "study groups" and that she often does lunch with him and other friends, but never just alone with him. And that's it. When I press for more info, like how they met, etc, she gets confrontational about it and won't tell me anything more. I called her yesterday, and she got really defensive when I just asked her if this guy was there with her. She said yes, but it's with friends, "and I would not ever lie to you!" She said it in a very confrontational tone. Plus, she's said some things this past week that make me even more suspicious of this guy , like she later started calling him a "close" friend, rather than just a "friend", and she started telling me "he's in a relationship" whenever I asked about him, as if that was supposed to make me feel better. So now he's a "close" friend, and a guy in a "relationship" will obviously still hit on a hot friend.

 

Plus, she immediately suspected I snooped. She said 'omg, I hope you're not snooping on me!'. This has made me afraid to press her further, even though I think I have the right. I know I sort of crossed the line by snooping, but with all this suspicious activity I feel justified and that I should be able to admit to it and confront her about this guy. I feel I have a right to know more, and in the absence of her being open, I had the right to snoop. But I'm afraid of confronting her because I know how she is and I'm afraid of losing her.

 

So what should I do? Should I just confront her about this and admit I snooped, or should I play it "safe" and back off and just keep monitoring the situation? And do you think I had the right to snoop, considering the situation? I feel it's ok if you have good reason to be suspicious, as I believe I do here. I really feel I had the right to snoop in this case, and I really want to just be honest about it and work this out. I feel she should be understanding of my snooping considering her defensive and secretive behavior, even if I don't have any actual evidence of any cheating. But I also don't want to lose her over possibly nothing.

 

What should I do?

[Keke1]

Cut your losses if you can't deal with the secret life. You seriously don't need this on your mind or in your life

[NoLeafClover]

That's what I'd act lbem wanted options open but still date women who are interested in me.

IMO secret lives are secret for a reason. She doesn't respect you to show you her friends and introduce you to them.

You are not being insecure, you are having a gut feeling and usually that is what the truth turns to be.

 

Btw, the response about "we are friends or he has a gf" it's typical from someone who is trying to keep something secret from you.

 

Personally I'd start dating other people and act the same.

When you start dating someone who is real to you ans 100% , you won't believe you stayed in this crappy situation over looks.

 

Don't tell her you snooped. Just start doing your thing. Make plans with other people and pull the trigger when you run into a better girl. And if asked, tell em you are single.

 

You don't wanna be humble in the jungle. Always think a step ahead. She is not going to change and you are not going to put up with it...if you do you will be drive yourself crazy

[Poutrew]

Like the other posters have told you, secrets are that way for a reason. This girl is balancing you and her other life because the act probably excites her. But it makes you feel bad. You need to cut your losses - if you need to tell her anything, just say something along the lines of I'm thinking these multitudes of 'friends' you keep on chirping about are more important than me, so I'm setting you free to pursue your life. I need to be happy as well and I think I can find a girl more serious than you , so that way I can be happy as well. If she complains just ask to see her phone. When she hesitates, or tries to wipe the data before she hands it over, just head out the door and do not look back.

[smackie9]

You can't tell her to stop all this stuff, the only solution is to find a GF that isn't such an attention whore.

 

Go ahead and confront her and see where that gets you. She is what she is.

 

I bet money on it you will find a better relationship with a girl that has a history.

[Grumpybutfun]

I'm not sure if I'm more shocked at your stalkerish behavior or the replies here. She is in school....she is busy. Most people do not feel the need to be with their be/gf if they have friends, family and a life everyday.

 

You snooped because she is good looking and friendly and doesn't talk to you every minute of the day and only has time to see you when she isn't hanging out with friends or studying. There is nothing suspicious in her behavior since she explained to you about her insecure exes. Did you listen to her? No.

 

Your suspicion is a product of nothing more than the fact that she is hot, doesn't talk/to you/ want to see you as much as you talk to her see her and wants privacy.

 

Did you think that maybe she really guards her privacy because those controlling exes she told you about earlier who snooped made her life a living hell by trying to make friends whom she went to high school with into someone she is cheating with? Did you think that she locks it now because she has been burned by being too open with boys who are afraid she is of such low moral character she is constantly cheating with someone since she has co-Ed friends?

 

She is guarding her privacy because she has learned that it doesn't matter what she does, only what suspicious minds run away with in their own insecure, controlling minds. Being pretty comes with a price of boys being possessive because they are afraid someone else will steal their possession. She doesn't belong to you. You are acting like a controlling insecure guy just as she warned she doesn't like. You aren't ready to date hot girls.....you treat her like a possession you must protect at all costs rather than a human being who deserves respect until she does something to not merit to anymore. Having her boundaries like a locked contact list is her right as a human ebbing especially in light of what she told you about controlling insecure exes.

Look, you blew it anyway because you did what she asked you not to anyway. You let your insecurities make you snoop and that is why she feels like she has to lock her lists from prying eyes. She told you all this which you wrote about in your post so you knew this was a problem for her. You said she is friendly but doesn't realize her appeal so she doesn't feel she is flirting. You also said she has good morals and treats you well....so why do you jump to conclusions because she is hot, has other friends and schoolmates, and doesn't want to spend as much time in the phone or with you as you would like.

You need to tell her what you did, explain why you did it and wait for her to break up,with you because she asked you specifically not to be an insecure obsessive controlling bf and you did it anyway.

Trust is something that actions erode...not your insecurities. I can't blame her for locking her contact list. She has a habit of attracting insecure controlling boys.

Geez,

Grumps

Edited November 9, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[Sparta]

Wake up buddy you're going to school first thing you never do is that jealous around a girl ever ever ... And if you accuser you better find some evidence anyways you can't handle that relationship you need to get the hell out now cut your losses because she did it take you to school and really **** with your head

[tpaine]

Thanks for replying you guys. The only problem is that, to be honest, the advice isn't really what I was looking for. I was just asking if you thought it would be a good idea to confront her on this and just admit I snooped, or if it would be better to not confront her, and if my snooping is ok given the situation. But most of the responses are basically saying just dump her right now. I don't see why I should do that without at least either confronting her first and taking my chances, or waiting it out until I have more evidence. Why should I throw it all away without first finding out anything?

 

And one person, Grumpy?, says to confront her but I'm in the wrong for snooping, so be prepared to get dumped. Well, if I shouldn't have snooped then why would I tell her I did? I don't want to get dumped, I just want to make sure I'm not getting played here.

 

Grumpy, it's not just that she's hot and doesn't spend as much time with me as I want. It's the fact that she's so secretive and defensive about all these "friends" and what she's doing. I disagree with you about a private friends list. Why would she not want her friends to be my friends, especially now that we're so close? I don't do that. And why is it that after 9 months I still haven't met any of these friends? If Tony is some "close" friend from high school, then why didn't she mention his name? You would think that after 9 months I'd know something about some of her friends, especially "close" ones and ones she's still hanging out with every day.

 

Sorry, Grumpy, you can accuse me of being "possessive", but I think you'd do the same thing if you were in love and your girl was texting some guy she never mentioned page after page after page. Are you telling me you wouldn't be at least a bit suspicious if you were in my shoes?

 

At any rate, I'm thinking I'd like to confront this guy and just ask him, nicely of course but point-blank, what is going on. The only problem is I know she'd never agree to let me meet him. I'm honestly thinking about following her around until I can find out who this dude is and just confront him face to face. Not looking for a fight but I do want the truth.

[BlueIris]

No, you don’t “confront” her. You apologize to her for violating her privacy and intentionally disrespecting her wishes. Then you hope she’ll forgive you. And you don't "confront" this guy either. You've done something wrong and you shouldn't be confronting or getting aggressive with anyone.

 

 

The odd thing to me is that you have never met her friends. Has she met yours? Have you invited her out with your friends, over to your family’s house? Do you take her out to restaurants, clubs, events that your friends or her friends go to?

You said you only see each other at your place, so it might be that you have primarily an at-home-and-make-out relationship- that is, private or secret. If so, THAT is a big problem and could (only a guess) explain your never having been invited to hang out around her friends. So take the relationship public- on your initiative.

Edited November 9, 2015 by BlueIris

[Grumpybutfun]

OP, I'm married to the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I have not met all of her friends and she hasn't met mine. I trust her and she trusts me. Sure, our phones are unlocked for each other because we built that trust with each other over a twenty two year period. Nine months dating and you haven't built trust with her enough yet that she feels ok to share stuff with you. You have to have healthy boundaries in a relationship to build trust and not become codependent. I have been with her for twenty years and we still have healthy relationship boundaries where she has a life and I have a life.

 

Back to the topic at hand...maybe she doesn't allow you to meet her friends because you act jealous, possessive and controlling. I had a gf like you in college. Once, and only once in my life, and I learned to never tolerate insecurity and suspicion based on nothing. As soon as I found out she was suspicious and suspected cheating into everything I said or did, the bloom was off the rose. I did keep her from my friends because she was too obsessed...The friends who did meet her asked me why I tolerated her possessiveness. I didn't go out in public with her because she was always suspicious of everyone....a girl at Pizza Hut was throwing herself at me so it was my fault...or the waitress slipped me her phone number and it was somehow my fault. I never cheated, never did anything at all...I'm a freaking boyscout. Her jealousy and suspicion made me dump her three days after our eight month anniversary. She was beautiful and had an amazing intellect and wit, but she was also insecure and made me feel bad for other people's behavior. Since we were in college, I didn't want to go to therapy to figure out her issues with her. I wish I had been aware enough at the time to suggest it for her though. After I broke up with her... She "stalked" me for three years until I went to graduate school elsewhere. Don't be her! Stop being suspicious. If you want to meet her friends or go out, arrange it. You aren't a passenger in this relationship. Have a party and tell her to invite her friends. Take her out to a park and have a picnic. Suggest your friends and you play a game of paintball with her and her friends. I guarantee you her guy friends would want to attend that. But, then what would happen? Would you see friendships or affairs? Would you see boys who study with her and grew up with her or dudes out to steal your possession?

Good luck and check your insecurities...and do not ever confront your gfs friend. This isn't their problem, it is yours and unfortunately since she doesn't know your duplicity, hers.

Best,

G

Edited November 9, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[tpaine]

Grumpy, thx for your advice, I know you have more experience, but her not letting me see her friends has nothing to do with me being "jealous, possessive, and controlling". You don't know me well enough to judge me like that. I already said I backed off early in our relationship when I saw how defensive she was. She's never even brought up seeing me during the day, ever. If I call her during the day, I get voicemail. Apparently she's not interested in seeing me during the day, which is fine, but knowing how she looks and acts and the fact that she's with "friends", some of whom are guys, concerned me. But then I backed off. I'm really not that "controlling", man.

 

The problem is that there were just too many messages from this one guy. No one else, guy or girl, had more than one page. But her messages with this guy went on and on for pages. The scroll bar at the side was just a little square, you could scroll on and on forever, and it was only over a week's time! Why would there be so many messages with this guy? He must be one hell of a friend. You say don't be suspicious, but come on. Who wouldn't be? Are you telling me you wouldn't be suspicious of this many messages, especially if your gf was spending her days with "friends", and this guy was one of them? You can read story after story, on this forum and others, of how guys who were supposedly "friends" ended up being the other guy. I mean, I know you are older than me, but you seem kind of naive about this, with all due respect. Other people here say I should just dump her right now.

 

I've thought about this and I've decided not to confront her. I see no reason to do that. All I need to do is make sure that this "tony" guy isn't a threat. I know Grumpy will say I'm "stalking", but I think I'm going to just follow her around, and from a distance see what is going on. Once I see everything is kosher, I'll know for sure I can trust her. I know some of you will say that following her around is going too far, but this relationship is too serious and has went on too long for me not to make sure about her. If she's on the road to cheating on me I'd rather find out and end this thing BEFORE she does it rather than after. I don't want to be one of those suckers, you even see them on these boards, whose girls have affairs for months or even years before the morons realize what hit them.

 

I will keep you all posted. Wish me luck...

[Grumpybutfun]

I certainly wish you luck. I suppose I would rather give people I care about the benefit of the doubt until proven guilty rather than giving people suspicion until my distrust makes them want to move on. Just remember that no matter what happens...you will be ok. If I'm wrong, you will be out of a toxic cheater relationship and if you are wrong, you will continue to have a gf. Both of these outcomes are good ones. They lead you to where you need to go next...with or without her, and you will be ok.

In naïveté, or in experience,

G

Edited November 9, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[PegNosePete]

All I need to do is make sure that this "tony" guy isn't a threat.

Err, maybe it's because you're so young but can't you see the fallacy in your logic here?

 

How can some guy be a "threat" to your relationship?

 

There is only one person who can possibly be a threat to your relationship and that is YOUR GIRLFRIEND. If she is happy and secure in the relationship then it won't matter what any other guy, whether "Tony" or the next one to come along, says or does. If she is loyal to you then she will tell all other guys to take a hike no matter what.

[BlueIris]

Err, maybe it's because you're so young but can't you see the fallacy in your logic here?

 

How can some guy be a "threat" to your relationship?

 

There is only one person who can possibly be a threat to your relationship and that is YOUR GIRLFRIEND. If she is happy and secure in the relationship then it won't matter what any other guy, whether "Tony" or the next one to come along, says or does. If she is loyal to you then she will tell all other guys to take a hike no matter what.

 

OP, there is one other person who can be a threat to your relationship- You.

 

Your own thinking and actions either build a relationship and nurture it so that it evolves, or undermine and contaminate it.

 

The snooping was one thing- wrong. But not telling her and continuing to suspect and spy on her is one more thing that is making it worse each day. So whether she has a secret or not, you certainly do and it is poison. You know it will blow your relationship to bits the longer you continue.

[PrettyEmily77]

OP, there is one other person who can be a threat to your relationship- You.

 

Your own thinking and actions either build a relationship and nurture it so that it evolves, or undermine and contaminate it.

 

The snooping was one thing- wrong. But not telling her and continuing to suspect and spy on her is one more thing that is making it worse each day. So whether she has a secret or not, you certainly do and it is poison. You know it will blow your relationship to bits the longer you continue.

 

Yep.

 

OP, I spent a little under 3 nightmarish, highly toxic years with a paranoid guy - snooping (lightly at first then gradually building up constantly, relentlessly, from phone to emails, even professional ones), turning up unexpectedly where I was to check up on me... His ex had cheated on him repeatedly so he got it in his head that I would do the same, based on nothing.

 

IME, it doesn't matter that you come clean or not (my ex did that a few times too) - you need to stop the snooping and you need to trust her.

 

No trust, no relationship. If, for whatever reason, you don't trust her, then leave now. It won't get better. I was in a position in which I constantly had to justify my whereabouts, my friendships, my choices: that, rather the snooping, is what broke us up.

 

Good luck to you both

[VeveCakes]

I think it's important to know, have you met her friends? Family? Spend holidays together? It's very strange you have never hung out during the day EVER. Makes 0 sense in 9 months. I say there is more going on than what you see on the surface.

[qubist]

Do not let jealousy control you, let me tell you something, nobody has ever won fighting jealousy. Spend that energy somewhere else. Whether you confess your snooping depends on how you guys communicate with each other. I suggest you don't confess right now, instead understand that you are exhausting yourself fighting jealousy which is making you more insecure. Talk to her, nicely without accusation, admit to her that you are jealous that she spends more time with others. Explain to her that you love her and you are willing to work on you insecurity and ask her nicely to help you. Based on her reaction/. Response you will find out if she really loves you. Do not tell her anything about the " close" friend yet. Just le patient try your best to get closer to her then watch

[Keke1]

Grumpy, thx for your advice, I know you have more experience, but her not letting me see her friends has nothing to do with me being "jealous, possessive, and controlling". You don't know me well enough to judge me like that. I already said I backed off early in our relationship when I saw how defensive she was. She's never even brought up seeing me during the day, ever. If I call her during the day, I get voicemail. Apparently she's not interested in seeing me during the day, which is fine, but knowing how she looks and acts and the fact that she's with "friends", some of whom are guys, concerned me. But then I backed off. I'm really not that "controlling", man.

 

The problem is that there were just too many messages from this one guy. No one else, guy or girl, had more than one page. But her messages with this guy went on and on for pages. The scroll bar at the side was just a little square, you could scroll on and on forever, and it was only over a week's time! Why would there be so many messages with this guy? He must be one hell of a friend. You say don't be suspicious, but come on. Who wouldn't be? Are you telling me you wouldn't be suspicious of this many messages, especially if your gf was spending her days with "friends", and this guy was one of them? You can read story after story, on this forum and others, of how guys who were supposedly "friends" ended up being the other guy. I mean, I know you are older than me, but you seem kind of naive about this, with all due respect. Other people here say I should just dump her right now.

 

I've thought about this and I've decided not to confront her. I see no reason to do that. All I need to do is make sure that this "tony" guy isn't a threat. I know Grumpy will say I'm "stalking", but I think I'm going to just follow her around, and from a distance see what is going on. Once I see everything is kosher, I'll know for sure I can trust her. I know some of you will say that following her around is going too far, but this relationship is too serious and has went on too long for me not to make sure about her. If she's on the road to cheating on me I'd rather find out and end this thing BEFORE she does it rather than after. I don't want to be one of those suckers, you even see them on these boards, whose girls have affairs for months or even years before the morons realize what hit them.

 

I will keep you all posted. Wish me luck...

 

You are stalking and I don't wish you luck on this. I'm saying you don't have to be this way. If you're not comfortable with the way she goes about her business then leave. You are sounding paranoid. You're trying to find the guy and confront him. She'll find out about this and get rid of you. That'll be on you. You're going to wear your mind out overthinking this.

[clia]

But it's really hard to trust her when it seems she almost has a secret life. I've slowly noticed this over the course of our relationship and it really bothers me. It seems she never has any time to see me, even though I only live 20 minutes away. I end up seeing her just a few nights a week, and always at my place. During the day, she says she's "studying with friends" or "having lunch with some friends" and never has time to even talk. After 9 months I've never seen her during the day, only evenings. And even in the evenings she will often tell me she's at home "studying with some friends". I know you guys might think that's normal, but the problem is that I don't know any of these "friends", and she's very defensive about it when I ask. I will usually just get something like "they're friends from school" or "friends from high school", but when I press for more info she gets defensive, and that gives me IMO a good reason to be suspicious. I even noticed that her friends list is locked so I can't see all her friends, and I see no good reason for this. I asked her why she does this and she gave me a lecture about privacy. Well, I understand privacy but a secret life with secret friends is just not appropriate IMO. At this stage of our relationship I think I have a right to know more.

 

I find the bolded more strange than anything else you've posted. After nine months you've never seen her during the day? Are you sure she's not a vampire?

 

No, but seriously...you've never hung out with her on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon? How often do you actually see her?

 

Snooping in her phone was wrong. I don't think you should confront her, but if you truly have to follow her around to see whether or not you trust her, you should be reevaluating whether or not you want to even be in this relationship. Personally, I'd rather be with someone who wants to hang out with me during the day from time to time. Being this suspicious of her doesn't sound very healthy -- for her or you.

 

And there's nothing inherently suspicious about there being a bunch of names on her Facebook friends list who you don't know. You've only been dating her nine months, after all.

[bubbaganoosh]

Sounds like she has two lives going on. If there's a barrier that you can only see her in the evening and only certain days of the week and a good part of her life is kept from you then how can you call this a relationship?

 

My advice is to go with your gut feeling. If you feel that something is wrong then it probably is.

 

If this is what you want and are willing to settle for bits an pieces just because she's "hot" then go for it.

 

If you feel that this isn't enough and she's hiding a second life from you then move on.

 

I can't find a reason why if she was your girlfriend and she wont introduce you to her friends then to me your putting more in this relationship then she is and your being taken for a ride.

 

Back off and stop pushing it. Let her come to you for a change and if you ask her to lunch in the day time and she wont go then you just simply say that if you can't spring for a daytime date then what kind of a relationship is this. The door has to swing both ways in order for it to work and so far your door swings both ways and hers doesn't or she flat out wont. If I have one stall after another while dating someone then maybe you should move on

[jmiller1991]

omg, I can't believe this thread! Do we actually have a stalker here?!?!?! :eek: This whole situation is really weird and the way the OP is acting is disturbing. I got really uncomfortable just reading about it.

 

But seriously, OP, you came here for advice, so listen to what all of us, or at least most of us, are saying. We are a bit older, and obviously more experienced, than you, so listen to us. I know your gf is hot and all, but the way you're acting is pathetic. Just look at yourself. Going into her phone. Planning on following her around? Thinking about confronting some guy? Your insecurities border on the pathological and you really need to get a grip.

 

You already said she has morals, even to the point of waiting for marriage to have sex. And you already said you don't think she flirts on purpose, that's just how she is. Like others here said, it's not proper that you would expect her to share everything about her life right now, even if she is the "one" as you say. Her telling you that Tony is a "friend" should have been sufficient. Unless you have evidence to the contrary, and you don't. Do you tell her everything about everyone you know? The way you are acting is very possessive, and if it was me I'd be really turned off. Girls hate insecure guys, in case you didn't know.

 

Perhaps you cannot put yourself in her shoes, but as a woman who has went through the same thing myself, I can, so let me tell you what you should do. Since you're young and cocky, you'll probably keep stalking her, and will lose her of course (possibly even getting in trouble with the law from the way it sounds), but if want to keep her and redeem yourself, you'll do what I say.

 

First, I think you definitely have to confess to the snooping. I know you don't want to because you think she'll be mad, and she probably will, but relationships are built on trust and honesty and I think to not tell her what you did would be dishonest. She might break up with you, but you still have to tell her. Otherwise it's HIDING stuff, and that's a deal killer for me. Just explain to her that you felt so insecure that you actually violated her privacy. Tell her it was really stupid and you can't believe that you did it. Also, tell her how you would like more time with her and to maybe get to know some of her friends, but that you are VERY sorry that you snooped, and that hopefully she will forgive you. And if you are lucky and she really loves you and is a forgiving person, I think she will. But make sure she understands that you know this was VERY wrong and that you will never, EVER, do it again. Don't forget to tell her that over and over and over, trust me you couldn't tell her this enough, because it will probably be extremely hard for her to trust you again after what you did.

 

Then, if she does forgive you and doesn't dump you (which I probably already would have done, to be honest), be VERY nice to her the next few weeks and don't push her for any more information. After awhile, all should be well, time eventually heals all wounds. Then you can SLOWLY begin asking her to share more, but don't force it. Don't ask in an accusing way, which I think you have done. This will definitely make any girl feel "trapped" and drive her away. I know this is how I felt with previous boyfriends who were as possessive and controlling as you. Eventually, if you are nice about, she will share more about her life before she met you, and about her "day friends", and I'm sure that in no time you will be friends with them all too.

 

At any rate, I think to keep what you did secret would be unacceptable in any serious relationship, and eventually secrets destroy any relationship. But do what you want. You are still young.

 

At any rate, no matter what you do, I wish you the best.

[Maxtor]

I always like to read input here, sometimes I got even more puzzled.

 

 

She doesnt respect you as a man, she wouldn't do that if you were Brad Pitt or whatever.

 

Leave her before she leaves you. Be a man.

[dreamingoftigers]

OP don't follow her around.

 

Seriously, that's totally messed up.

 

I had lots of friends that I talked to when I was younger, and they were just friends. I think your girlfriend knows that you have eyes on her and that's not going to work for her. Locking her friend's list is the least of your concerns.

 

If you can't handle the lack of transparency, it's time to find another relationship.

[tpaine]

Ok, I've had time to think about this, and I guess you guys are right. When it's gotten to the point where you're following someone around, it's gone too far. I guess I just let my jealousy get away from me because of her unwlllingness to give me more info, and because I don't want to loser her because this is the most serious relationship I've ever been in. But I know I shouldn't have snooped, and that I should tell her about it. I guess I'm just gonna take my chances and come clean. Hopefully, she won't get too pissed, but I honestly don't have a good feeling about it.

 

I do think that this is at least partly her fault, however. I never would have snooped if she just would tell me more about her history with this guy. I mean yes, I understand that she might have a guy friend, but you never know who's really a "friend" and who isn't, and with the way she looks and acts I know any guy "friend" will probably be hitting on her, or at least looking for an opening. And then, of course, there were all those fb messages. So I do think I have a right to some more info here, IMHO.

 

I mean, all she had to do was tell me he was a good friend, how they met, some things they did, and stuff like that, and I don't think I ever would have gotten so suspicious. Instead, all I get is "he's a close friend of mine" and "don't worry about it, he's in a relationship". As if that is supposed to make me feel better. Every time I ask about him she says "I told you he's just a close friend and he's in a relationship". Well, him being in a "relationship" doesn't mean crap to me. He might not even really like this other girl, he could be a player. Being a guy myself, I know that don't mean anything. I guess being a girl she thinks it does.

 

I also feel I have a right to be at least somewhat suspicious because I've noticed her story has changed a bit. Isn't that a red flag? I mean, at first he was just a "friend", then a "good friend", then a "best guy friend", and finally just a "best friend". Of course, from all the messages I knew they had to be more than just casual friends, but why couldn't she just say that from the beginning? Sorry, but I'm suspicious of a best friend who's a guy. I know where that can lead. And her telling me that "I'm not attracted to him that way" and "he's in a relationship" doesn't really cut it for me. Not to mention that this "relationship" has changed too. It was subtle, but upon thinking about it, I've noticed it. At first it was a "serious" relationship, then just a "relationship", then a "girlfriend", then he's "seeing someone", and today she admitted to me that she doesn't really know the status of this guy's relationship. She said "well, I don't know, I'm not gonna ask him and I never met her, it might just be a fwb thing, I'm not sure". Well, that is a red flag for me, because a 'fwb thing' is hardly a "relationship", and I think it's suspicious that originally she threw that out there to appease me. Why did she first tell me it's a "serious" relationship if she really didn't know?

 

But anyways, I know that none of this gave me the right to snoop, so I'm just going to be honest and tell her, and explain to her why I feel insecure about this guy. I appreciate all the feedback, hopefully you guys are right about this. I'm just a little leery about confessing this to her because it puts me more in the wrong now, whereas before I think I was more in the right. But I guess that's what I get for snooping.

 

I will let everyone know how it goes. Wish me luck. She probably isn't going to take this very well...

[Try]

OP, I'm married to the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I have not met all of her friends and she hasn't met mine.

I too have a beautiful wife that I have been married to for many years, but I have a different perspective than you. First, I have met all of my wife's friends and she has met all of mine. Not because we are controlling, but because we share our lives and friends with each other. Second, we also believe that other than when you are going to the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy or secrecy in a marriage, thus snooping if you have reason to be concerned is not considered an issue. Our goal is to be open books to each other.