Yes I snooped, but I honestly feel it was justified. Should I confront her about it?

[qubist]

Tpaine: hold on to confessing right now. Wait till you build a stronger relationship. Instead ask her for more time for you together.

[Spectre]

Here is the thing though, if she has pages and pages of messages from one dude? No, that isn't really nothing.

 

Does it mean he should follow her and all this stuff? No, but lets not brush off even legit concerns because of his behavior.

[BlueIris]

OP, do you introduce her to your friends and family and invite her to go out with people you know?

 

That’s very important because if you don’t but you expect her to, of course she’d bristle at it. That would be monitoring or controlling, not being truly interested in becoming a couple extending yourselves into each other’s lives.

[Grumpybutfun]

I too have a beautiful wife that I have been married to for many years, but I have a different perspective than you. First, I have met all of my wife's friends and she has met all of mine. Not because we are controlling, but because we share our lives and friends with each other. Second, we also believe that other than when you are going to the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy or secrecy in a marriage, thus snooping if you have reason to be concerned is not considered an issue. Our goal is to be open books to each other.

 

We are completely transparent, but we trust each other and frankly I don't need to meet every person she meets. It would be exhausting and I have my own life, my own friends and my own interests. We are beyond needing constant reassurance. We share our lives, but we don't have to be with each other every moment of the day. We also don't need to have couple friends. There are few of her friends whom I like their spouses and few of mine whom she likes the men's spouses. We don't need to check up on each other for validation or due to insecurity. We are such open books that she doesn't need to spy on me and I don't need to spy on her. There is nothing I don't know because she feels safe enough with me to share everything of importance. It is ok if people do things differently in their marriage. Relationships are different. It isn't ok to cross boundaries when dating in college for nine months when frankly it doesn't sound very serious on her side, just his. If he is being hidden in the dark, it might be because she isn't that into him.

 

OP, share your concerns and ask her to meet her friends and family. If she refuses then you know she is not invested enough in you and you can move on from her and find someone who is proud to be with you. I am unsure why it is so hard for you to just tell her what you need from her.

Best,

G

Edited November 10, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Your question is tricky, I don't know what I'd do,

In my experience, my snooping confirmed my suspicions to be true,

Stories never matched up because they never actually happened,

Set up to look like a crazed man, when in reality, there was plenty of action.

 

Snooping is wrong, and you obviously feel something is amiss,

The problem doesn't get deeper than that, no trust in your exclamation of love and bliss,

When you reach the point of having to verify what someone said,

Is a sure sign that trust, and relationship, are both very much dead.