Children

[dlr81]

Parents, how do you cope with having to spend less time with your kids? Especially the dad's who mostly get the least amount of time. If you want, you can read my story below...anyways, I have 2 boys with the wife I am separating from ages 6 and 4.

 

I get to start moving into my apartment on Tuesday. For some reason it really hit me hard tonight as I was tucking them into bed and I just started crying. I hid it so they wouldn't see.

 

My wife said I will get them every other weekend, and a few hours during the week...so from being with them everyday to that, how do you cope? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[Tayla]

I'm sorry to read this... its hard on the parent that is put into the part time role.

My son went thru that... he missed his child terribly. He poured his heart into raising that boy... so having that taken away was challenging. He found that improving the sons' second home did wonders... decorating the bedroom. Setting up a game area... planning outings. Again, Its a heartbreaking transistion... you grieve in away ... so be gentle on yourself... those kids are blessed that you love them and miss them...

[Mr. Lucky]

Parents, how do you cope with having to spend less time with your kids? Especially the dad's who mostly get the least amount of time. If you want, you can read my story below...anyways, I have 2 boys with the wife I am separating from ages 6 and 4.

 

I get to start moving into my apartment on Tuesday. For some reason it really hit me hard tonight as I was tucking them into bed and I just started crying. I hid it so they wouldn't see.

 

My wife said I will get them every other weekend, and a few hours during the week...so from being with them everyday to that, how do you cope? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

You do three things:

 

1). Get the best custody agreement possible. Will you have joint custody? If so, why is your time so disproportionate?

 

2). You maximize your time with them. The upside is, in your days together, you're the sole provider and there's lots of one on one. Don't let work. dating or other obligations intrude.

 

3). You attend every function. Even if it's not your time, you can still go to sports activities, school events, etc.

 

You'll find that a new normal is quickly established. Kids like routines so work on developing your own in your time together. Single parenting is about making the most of the opportunities...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TotallyHonest]

Hi,

 

Joined the forums so I could reply to you. Briefly, I've been in my own place since July, seeing my 12 year old daughter every second weekend and learning how to deal with things.

 

It's going to be hard. Make no mistake. I am in my late 40s. When I have to take my daughter home on a Sunday and get back to make her bed, if I smell her hair on the pillow I cry uncontrollably. Don't worry about crying - it means you love your kids more than anything so its a good thing.

 

Tell you kids how much you love them (hard as yours are 4 and 6). Make sure they understand they are your #1 priority. When you're with them, make sure you do everything to make them remember why you're their dad. But don't buy their love with toys (or in my case clothes )

 

Now the other part. When you're alone, focus on yourself. Do your best to remember you're on a hard road but the road that is best for you. Look after yourself - I run to keep fit and I cook. I love that I'm improving myself and it stops me from dwelling. And you will dwell and you will feel sorry for yourself and you will be sad. But it gets better.

 

It's easy to talk about 50/50 custody but real life means it doesn't always work that way. You *have* to be the better man in any conversation about custody, do what you know is right and don't use your kids as bargaining chips. I'm on one weekend a fortnight, paying through the nose because she wont work, but I'm doing the right thing by my daughter and no one will ever criticise me for it. I think that's the way to go.

 

Lastly, while you're in the process of separating, the kids might hate you. Don't let it get you down. Once you've established the routine (and do not vary it for the first few weeks) the kids will come around. It's a cliche but kids need routine. Establish it for them, let them know the rules, and it *will* work out.

 

Good luck - if I can do it you can!

[StBreton]

So many great suggestions OP ... And they work for the kids and for you. Please do as many things listed above as possible ...and establish that routine. Take your kids out to get some things to set up their room.

 

Why are you not getting 50% visitation?? That is the norm these days ... go for that if that's what you want.

 

It's been a year and a half for me ... I'm still not used to not seeing my kids everyday. It's hard... There's no getting around it. It's better than at the beginning. This forum sure helps.

[Haydn]

I feel for you but the advice you have got is great.

 

Me and my kids mother have no legal agreements. We parted on very very good terms. I am the main carer so to speak. They reside with me.

 

Kiddies are stronger than you think. They adapt. They will be happier that `mummy and daddy` are no longer fighting about such petty things.

 

I never believed in staying together for the kids. Miserable parents, miserable kids.

 

Carve out your own life with them.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm still not used to not seeing my kids everyday. It's hard...

 

I should have added be aggressive about using technology in my original post. My son is an adult now so internet/social media wasn't around when his mom and I divorced. With IM, text, Skype, Facetime, etc, there's lots of ways to stay connected even when not physically present...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

This can be hard to believe, but with children, amount of time is not as important as "quality." And don't worry! "Quality" does not mean jam-packing your time with awesome activities or even every-moment heart-to-heart play time. For kids, "quality" time means you're providing care that meets their developmental needs.

 

That's what I've learned through excellent sources.

 

A good place to learn what developmental needs are for different ages: "Growing Up Again" (book) by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson.

 

Children gravitate toward developmentally-healthy influences. If one consistent (regularly-there) grown-up in a child's life offers healthy influence based on the child's needs, that child will remember that grown-up for life. Even if it's a teacher or relative, not living with the child like their parents do. That means you'll be absolutely pivotal in their lives (even if their mother is a good parent too) as long as you're giving them a healthy household and you're there regularly. Even if it's a lot less than 50%.

 

So the other thing is, be there "regularly." If it can't be frequent, make it a sure bet every scheduled time, much as possible. And at their ages, face time or skype can be great too. So they know they will always see their dad again.

 

They'll get used to the new norm before you do. You'll always be their father. Missing them will be tough for you, but use the time away to set up a happy and stable life for yourself.

 

Yes, it's HARD to believe the children will still be yours completely, even if you can't have them every day with you. Talk to someone you know who is well-adjusted, close to both parents, and whose parents divorced. Do you know any adults like that? That will help calm you.