Are you triggered by past partners cheating?

[getsmartie]

I'm totally over my last partner. It ended 5 years ago but it took me two years to finally feel indifferent about him. There was infidelity on his part and so many lies. I am convinced that he was a sociopath. Every single characteristic describes my ex.

 

My new bf of 18 months has been transparent, nothing like my ex.

 

My problem is my ex made me think I was going crazy. For the last 8 months of our relationship he barely answered his cell when I called. This issue alone is sending me in a tailspin. On a wknd when I know my bf is home but doesn't pick up my call I have flashbacks of my ex. Do I think anything is happening? No but I can't help but feel triggered.

 

I don't think it's fair for him to pay for my exes demise but at the same time is it unfair for me to ask him to be hypersensitve when it comes to this?

[madjac74]

So you don't trust anyone because of your ex's previous actions? Yes that is normal

[ASG]

It IS normal, but you should try to overcome it. Because that is the definition of baggage. And yes, we all have it, but when it affects the relationship to the degree you are implying, then the onus is really on you, not him to avoid a somewhat normal/benign behavior just because it triggers you.

 

Obviously talk to him about it, just in case he takes his not replying to the extreme... but I would feel really pressured if I couldn't reply to a text later if I'm watching a movie or playing a game for fear of my BF freaking out...

[oldshirt]

Yes we all go through to one degree or another in our own way.

 

Once you've been burned, you lose a good chunk of your innocence and blind faith that world is sunshine, unicorns and butterflies.

 

The fact is there are crumby people in the world that do crumby things that hurt us. We would be naive and dumb to think it could never happen again.

 

However that doesn't mean that we can punish someone for another person's crimes. You can't go off on a current BF because a previous BF did something crappy. Everyone must be judged on their own merits.

 

It's ok to make note of patterns or similar behaviors and see them as red flags, but there has to be line between one person's crime and another's presumed innocence.

 

Balancing the two concepts is an art and where wisdom come into the picture.

[getsmartie]

Thanks for the responses. Please don't think I fly off the handle, I don't.

 

 

It's just weird that my physical body responds by increasing my heart rate, and feeling anxious. I force myself to take slower breaths and to think rationally and I can usually control myself.

 

 

I did chat with him this morning, I wanted him to know how I was feeling without putting it on him. He understood. I realize it's my issue BUT at the same time are we not supposed to fill our partner's emotional needs?

[ASG]

I realize it's my issue BUT at the same time are we not supposed to fill our partner's emotional needs?

 

Of course. But within reason.

 

If you start putting pressure on him to reply to you straight away at every turn to prevent you from getting anxious, you'll end up putting undue oressure on the relationship.

 

I mean... sometimes I reply straight away. Sometimes I'm not in the mood and take a while. Or I read the message and forget to reply for whatever reason. If I felt like I *had* to reply straight away every time, it would probably wear me down.

 

Does this make sense to you?

 

But this doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to him about it! Communication is key! And maybe you can get to some kind of compromise!

[RedRobin]

I can't say I've been too bothered by memories of my ex cheating... I never blamed myself and never saw it as something I had anything to do with. It was his problem, not mine.

 

 

Here's the thing... if your current BF IS cheating, then you getting upset isn't going to change anything. And if he isn't cheating, then you getting upset will only drive him away.

 

 

I can think of lots of legitimate reasons why anyone should expect someone who supposedly cares about them to return their calls promptly, but reassuring you they aren't cheating isn't one of them. They should WANT to talk to you... not feel like it's a chore.

 

 

When I've been in that position in the past, I just distract myself until they call or I see them again, and then I tell him how much I missed talking to him... or I just tell him about the fun thing I did without him... but that it would have been more fun to share it with him... then see what he says.

 

 

If your requests for more emotional intimacy are rejected, or if he's the type that needs to go for days without talking to you, then maybe your communication styles are just not compatible... and leave it at that.

 

 

If people want to cheat, there is really nothing you can do. All you can do is live every day to it's fullest and hope the other person wants to share it with you. And if not, then there are others who will. No worries!

[WaitingForBardot]

Maybe because I have an all's fair in love and war kind of outlook, it has never bothered me beyond the initial being hurt because things didn't work out phase. I figure I can't help who I fall for and, for the most part, neither can anyone else. Sometimes the transition between relationships is messy.

 

I do think though that it's a little unreasonable to expect a new partner to walk on eggshells around you because of the behavior of a previous one. I only hold others accountable for things that they have done and I expect to be treated the same.

 

Just my opinion...