When do you stop being angry?

[phillygirl63]

Sylvia, when I found out about my husband's affair I really was uncertain whether I wanted to stay with him or not. It wasn't as if I was totally happy in the marriage before and I thought maybe this was a guiltfree way for me to be the one to end it. You know, being the betrayed spouse, my friends and family would be understanding if I left the marriage and took the children with me. But, I felt I really needed to try to make it work because I have a son that is absolutely devoted to his father and although my husband did a really lousy thing, he is a remarkable dad to his children and I know he loves them with all his heart. So, he begged me to take him back and I told myself it was only for the children. We went into therapy and we did a lot of talking ourselves, late at night (my revenge as he usually needs 8+ hours of sleep and now I was keeping him up until 2 or 3 every night!). I slowly- very slowly - realized that I wasn't just in the marriage for the kids. I was in the marriage for me. We had been married 13 years and I didn't want to throw that away. I wanted to be with him after the kids grew up and left home. I wanted to be the old couple walking down the street still holding hands. I wanted to be with him when we welcomed our first grandchild into the world. Sounds sappy...but it was true. That's when I think the marriage grew stronger. When I realized that. Because then I realized that despite his faults (and mine) I really, really loved him and it was going to take a whole lot to make me give up on him (and a second affair ABSOLUTELY would be a whole lot - you know the saying...fool me once...). I feel now that I can trust him 100% but it took awhile to feel that way. He worked really hard at regaining that trust and he was very open with me about everything. I don't think we would have survived had he been unwilling to communicate with me. I give him a lot of credit. He's a good guy that made a really dumb and hurtful mistake. I believe he's learned from it and I feel lucky that I have him in my life.

[billy2020]

Will my anger ever subside I hope it will. I review things that were done, every day. When i see my ex , I cry at what I had , her bueaty her goodness . I'm still in love. but when a man is used this way even though he has the same fantasies its just pure crime. there is no jail time for infidelity. I can't forgive her I know I will punish her and my self the rest of our lives. There is no going back to the virgin beginning. The man that finally gets my ex, as a soul mate, will get the best human on this earth. She was used by a young man, a conn artist she lost the plot, as my good friend said to me. She was hurting and took a step out of the real world for a few months. She not only hurt me ( the selfish guy) she hurt every one of our children. Our Life together is coming to an end. let it be so.

 

during our storm time (after the affair) I met new people , I read new books , I found out things , when you first fall in love you receive something from that person and they receive something from you. Once that gift is gotten you no longer need them in the same way. It took my ex and I thirty years to realize we had fulfilled our gifts. Its time to move on. enjoy the new freedom of our lives. It will never stop hurting, but just imagine, if you were the one that did the crime. their hurt is two fold.

 

In ten years I plan to reevaluate my life . If my ex is still available I will look her up. ask her out on a date. If she wants to love me again I will finish the life I enjoyed with her. Right now my children are the thing I need to help, show them my love. Give them the gift of me. Focus on the hobbies the career. Do the things the ex never wanted to do...... Anger is energy, use it up spend it, keep your self busy. Busy hands have no time for remorse.

[SueBee3490]

Originally posted by billy2020

there is no jail time for infidelity

 

I sure wish there was jail time because when I found out about my H's cheating, it felt like he stabbed me in the heart and with each discovery of another woman, he was twisting that knife a little more.

 

A very enlightening post. You sound like you are blaming yourself for your wife's infidelity? Sorry you feel that way. I will not blame myself for my H's cheating. I think if our relationship was on the rocks or he even hinted to me that we had problems in our relationship, then I would have tried to figure out what to do or maybe been "prepared" that there is a real possibility he will cheat if he is so unhappy. There's no justifying cheating. He told me that I was special and he loved me, etc., etc. The only problem that I could tell was that we were a long distance relationship. I guess he can't handle those. He made the decision to cheat - he could have chose other options. He could have thought about me for once instead of himself. He is a very selfish person

 

SueBee

[fleafly]

No jail time for infidelity? Check out what my lawyer emailed me!

 

609.36 Adultery.

 

Subdivision 1. Acts constituting. When a married

woman has sexual intercourse with a man other than her husband,

whether married or not, both are guilty of adultery and may be

sentenced to imprisonment for not more than one year or to

payment of a fine of not more than $3,000, or both.

 

Subd. 2. Limitations. No prosecution shall be

commenced under this section except on complaint of the husband

or the wife, except when such husband or wife is insane, nor

after one year from the commission of the offense.

 

Subd. 3. Defense. It is a defense to violation of

this section if the marital status of the woman was not known to

the defendant at the time of the act of adultery.

[Joyce]

Hi sylvia,

 

It's been a while since I've followed up on all the old timers. I'm saddened to see that things are still such a struggle. The anger will get less frequent with time. I know I caused my pain and my husbands pain and there are so many times where it still hurts. I don't think the roller coaster ever really ends but the twists and turns get further apart. You will never forget what your H did to you and you never should. Keep being open and honest to your H about your feelings (including your anger). You can't force forgiveness and some people can't find a way to forgive. Follow your heart and give it time. It's sad that it only takes a minute to break a heart and a life time to mend. Hang in there Sylvia. Your experiences (good or bad) make you who you are.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Joyce

Hi sylvia,

 

It's been a while since I've followed up on all the old timers. I'm saddened to see that things are still such a struggle. The anger will get less frequent with time. I know I caused my pain and my husbands pain and there are so many times where it still hurts. I don't think the roller coaster ever really ends but the twists and turns get further apart. You will never forget what your H did to you and you never should. Keep being open and honest to your H about your feelings (including your anger). You can't force forgiveness and some people can't find a way to forgive. Follow your heart and give it time. It's sad that it only takes a minute to break a heart and a life time to mend. Hang in there Sylvia. Your experiences (good or bad) make you who you are.

 

Hi Joyce,

 

Good to hear from you. I have wondered often how things are with you. It is still a struggle sometimes Joyce, I will admit that. A couple of weeks ago, I felt so down. I felt a lid had been opened on my past and I was ugly, unloveable and hopeless. I thought that no-one would ever stay with me. It is hard for me to see that my husband DID stay with me (and never intended leaving anyway) because in my heart I feel that he abandoned me when he starting paying attention to the OW.

 

I know what you mean when you say you can't force forgiveness. Before, I wanted a quick fix to make me feel better. Now, I am learning to live with ambiguity. I will never FORGET what my husband did but I am starting to understand it better which makes it easier to accept. Strangely, I can even see it from the OW's point of view! I can see that she had nothing else in her life at the time and it makes me hate her less.

 

Joyce, you are right. Hearts are so easily broken yet it takes so long to mend them. Whatever happens to us though, we have to get to a point where we simply accept that it has happened (doesn't mean we like it), stop thinking how unfair it is and decide to take control of our own future. That's what I am trying to do now. I am trying to fight tooth and nail against the parts of my nature that are vindictive, aggressive and pessimistic and replace those thoughts with something more positive.

 

I hope everything is going well with you and your husband Joyce.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by billy2020

I can't forgive her I know I will punish her and my self the rest of our lives. There is no going back to the virgin beginning.

 

In ten years I plan to reevaluate my life . If my ex is still available I will look her up. ask her out on a date. If she wants to love me again I will finish the life I enjoyed with her. Anger is energy, use it up spend it, keep your self busy. Busy hands have no time for remorse.

 

Billy,

 

This makes me sad to read this. It doesn't seem to be anger that is holding you back but pride. There is no virgin beginning, of course, but some people on here are testament to the fact that a marriage can become better,in the sense that it seems to be stronger and there is more communication. This is the hope that I am holding onto.

 

As you so rightly say, you are punishing your ex, and punishing yourself (as well as the children). The fact that you would think of phoning your ex up in ten years makes me think that you are making a mistake. What will have changed in ten years? There will still be no virgin beginning, she will still have had the affair. Why would you consider being with her then and not now?

 

It sounds like you have rushed into a decision. You can see so many positives still in your wife - there are not many people who can do that. Affairs are hard to forgive, impossible to forget but remember there are many factors surrounding affairs. Have you explored these yet? It might make you see that this is a 'blip' (albeit a very BIG blip) in your relationship instead of the end.

 

Tell me to butt out if you want. I just sense the loss in your post. We only get one shot at life you know. What about the children? Couldn't you try for them at first?

 

Sylvia

[billy2020]

Sylvia and Suebee

 

Your words do make me think. Its been a year and a few months since this tragedy hit our family. I do want her back with all the pain and suffering infidelity causes. One of my worries is that her guilt will bring on more fighting. trouble, the kind many guy's can't understand when it hits from their female partners. When a person is stress out over an issue they often start a fight over things that are not related, and easy to solve. I believe that her guilt will bring out the worst in her. If I take her back , I have to swallow my pride , my hurt and, the conn man that took her from me. Every fight or discussion will end with a comment , a gesture, or pain, not about the real issue but about the affair. If I don't bring it up (*which I shouldn't") she will find a pride in what she got away with. If I drop the ball in the relationship she may stray again. Should I take that chance. This is the only woman i have ever had. And her I, until the conn man. the pain is so deep inside me.

 

 

Do I still love her you bet. the things I wanted for her during our marriage she is pursuing now. I wanted to share her new experiences with her during the marriage I often encouraged her to go out and find something other than her kids and work. But it came across as critizim, I saw in her a light a brilliance. I felt she was not getting out to meet new people and friends. she needed that for her own sanity. when this conn man saw her, he new there was a apple ripe to pick. we both worked very hard at our family business, the things business partners often discuss would end in fights over personal marriage matters. After marriage counseling I went out and started to get involved in the community . It was something we both needed , the therapists advice. After a year of doing the things that were suggested to us she had done nothing. thats when old brown eyes entered our business. he was a charmer, a hurt person all his stories were about his hard life. Pity, is what he was looking for and he got plenty from my ex. her own hurt about our marriage gave her the notion that he really cared. She shared 32 years of hurt that, piles up in marriage, he listened and used his charms to seduce her. I warmed her of her "getting to close" ( my guilt enters here) to him she was already lost. At the same time he shared all this with my ex he also played on my dauhtgers affection's . I was in a lose lose situation, if I said anything I was a bum no-good , didn't care for any one else but my own self.

 

Then the event happened that changed the perfect woman into a monster. a month after the affair her guilt drove her to the therapist. My nature figured out what had happened. after a month more of cheating and fighting. He cut her off and pursued my daughter in earnest. He won her heart as well. My daughter fell in love. three months later I found out the whole truth. My frustration and anger at this point made me the enemy. my ex protecting her self worth and him protecting his glory convinced my daughter that dad did wrong. and I did. the things I said drove my love from their hearts.

 

 

So you see ladies, Anger what this post is all about ,it is in rage. I can do nothing until my daughter see's that this low-life, that destroyed a marriage Is gone. But he knows what he did. Even if he has some innocents in all this. He does not deserve my daughter. All he had to say was "NO" "I can't do this to billy my employer".

 

Billy

[only1life]

So many great lines to quote in these posts.....thought I would add my own thoughts as well.

 

It's been 9 months yesterday since I found out about my W affair, when she went on a 2 week "conference" out of the country, extended it 3 weeks cause they added a new speaker she "couldn't miss" and it all turned out to be an affair with some bum she met a year earlier... OK, I'm still a little (!) bitter!

 

Well, we're still together, and really the only way that I've been able to keep going in this relationship is to just stop thinking about all the bad stuff and unknowns, and force myself to switch my mind to what looks like a good future together. I really think it can happen. She wants it, and I want it. Sure some real serious damage has been done, but if good life is to resume, then there are some things that we just have to not dwell our thoughts on.

 

So, we try to keep positive. I try not to let crude images ruin our fun. I stopped asking questions, unless there's something I feel the answer will help deal with. I've learned to forget the bad dreams by thinking of other things when I awake. And I'm slowly beginning to get back the trust and respect I used to have, and to diminish the insecurity that the affair created. Our lives have been seriously changed by all this, recovery has not been easy, but I think it'll be worth it.

 

There are good times ahead, I know it, and I don't want to miss them. We want to share them together.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by only1life

 

Well, we're still together, and really the only way that I've been able to keep going in this relationship is to just stop thinking about all the bad stuff and unknowns, and force myself to switch my mind to what looks like a good future together. I really think it can happen. She wants it, and I want it. Sure some real serious damage has been done, but if good life is to resume, then there are some things that we just have to not dwell our thoughts on.

 

So, we try to keep positive. I try not to let crude images ruin our fun. I stopped asking questions, unless there's something I feel the answer will help deal with. I've learned to forget the bad dreams by thinking of other things when I awake. And I'm slowly beginning to get back the trust and respect I used to have, and to diminish the insecurity that the affair created. Our lives have been seriously changed by all this, recovery has not been easy, but I think it'll be worth it.

 

There are good times ahead, I know it, and I don't want to miss them. We want to share them together.

 

Aww, this is such a lovely post. You are right. When something like this happens you have to make a choice and sometimes when we make a choice we forget that there are the 'good times' in the future that we won't be part of.

 

I too am just starting to realise that dwelling on things does no good. That doesn't mean I've forgotten it ( I never will) but I strongly believe that the more you dwell on the details of things, the stronger the memories become. I've got to a (slightly) better place by just blocking memories as soon as they start. Especially the sexual stuff. I just try to think about something positive instead.

 

I am just starting to believe after almost 11 months of this, that we might make it. I know that if things don't change in this marriage that I will be the one leaving it, but what we've got is too big not to give it a real go.

 

Only1 - I am so glad things are starting to get better for you. Sometimes I would think that no-one ever recovers from an affair, then people like you, Owl, Philly girl etc pop up with an encouraging word and I realise that there is another way, it doesn't have to mean the end.

 

So thanks for adding your thoughts -they give hope to those a bit further down the path than yourself.

 

Sylvia

[SueBee3490]

Sylvia,

 

Good luck to you in trying to rebuild your marriage. I'm sorry I don't know your whole story, I'm assuming your H just had One affair. I would tend to think I could try and save my marriage after one affair (just guessing of course) more easily than an H who has had many affairs. I know it would still require work but as long as he seems genuinely sorry and is also working on the marriage, I think you'll make it. You are a special person to give him another chance.

 

I know in your first post you wanted advice from "oldtimers" which must be the regular posters on here. I haven't been posting on here alot - I had read much on here for a few years. See, I found out about my H's cheating in Jan. '03 so I've been dealing with this for almost 2 1/2 yrs. It is plenty time for me to move on! After thinking about this for so long I really feel that there has been too much betrayal on his part for me to get past it. So I sometimes feel that I'm far from special simply because I'm not one who can get over this. And what makes me feel worse is that my H cheated on me "alot" when we were dating. We weren't even married yet (though he did cheat when we were engaged) so I feel bad that he really hadn't made that "marriage vow" to me so why, I ask myself, should I be so upset? He swears he doesn't cheat now "because he's married." But that trust was broken when I found out what he was doing the whole time we were dating (2 1/2 yrs).

 

I know that any spouse who can try and put their mate's cheating behind them and try and focus on the positive things really deserves alot of praise. Even though my H does say he would NEVER cheat while married, and he hasn't done anything to suggest that he is cheating, I can't get over those images of him and those women. I'm no saint and I've done things wrong but I would never intentionally hurt someone I love like he did. So I guess that makes me not a good person after all. I really don't see myself as ever trusting him again. He didn't come to me and tell me what he was doing - I caught him. I think that makes a difference too.

 

SueBee

[only1life]

SylviaG, thanks for the kind words. It hasn't been easy at all, and sometimes it helps me to just say things that I'm working to improve on, to help myself also. And your kind words are encouragement also.

 

 

I know that any spouse who can try and put their mate's cheating behind them and try and focus on the positive things really deserves alot of praise. Even though my H does say he would NEVER cheat while married, and he hasn't done anything to suggest that he is cheating, I can't get over those images of him and those women....

 

SueBee,

 

Everyone's situation is different, I don't know that any of these are really easier than any others, since it is all relative to how we react to what's put to us. And I know those images have a way of ruining things, I have had MANY which seem to surface at the worst possible times! And my wife didn't confess either, until I found evidence which she couldn't deny. But each of us will react in our own way, after much talk and tears and apologies and forgiveness, mine has been to try and feel that things are good right now, and things will even be better in the near future, and that's pretty much what has kept us together. But trust and security are very difficult to rebuild, once they have been trashed by an affair. I guess that's where honest and open communication comes in, cause that's the only way to get these necessary feelings back into a relationship.

 

I hope you can work it out for your relationship. I think you can, if you've already survived for 2 1/2 years, you must have realized that there is something in the relationship that makes it worth trying to keep it alive. And don't put yourself down, you're a good person for trying to work this out! I hope your H realizes this also!

 

Good Luck! (We all need it!)

[SueBee3490]

Thanks Only1,

 

Good luck on rebuilding your marriage with your wife. If she is willing to have that open communication with you and work together, I think you have a very good chance of getting through this.

 

But I don't think mine will survive because even though my H has said he would NEVER cheat on me again, anytime I ask questions, or cry, or whatever, he clams up and doesn't want to talk about it. He says I will never get over it and I probably won't and worse yet I can't make him see that he is a big part in helping me heal. He thinks if we don't talk about it, it will go away. He won't go to counseling and tells me all the time he is moving back to his home (he moved to my state when we married - though why he did, I have no clue - he didn't love me ).

 

I think I've just hung on for 2 1/2 yrs because I always read that one shouldn't make a hasty decision when finding out their spouse has cheated. We really aren't happy - I'm angry at him for all he's done and he's angry at living here and hating it so I guess it would be better for him to leave - but he won't go. Probably the only thing keeping him here is that his name's on the mortgage too.

 

So good luck to you and your wife - she doesn't realize how lucky she is

 

SueBee

[sylviaguardian]

Suebee,

 

Yes, my husband just had one affair (that I know of, of course). It's funny because although your husband had more than one, I would tend to assume that I could forgive things that happened before we got married. The fact that he did it when we were married says to me that he didn't take his vows seriously.

 

The fact that your husband wouldn't do it when he was married says a lot for him, I think. Sue, I am not a special person. My motivation for trying to keep things going is that I wouldn't forgive myself if I just gave up without a fight. In another year and a half I may feel like you, that I just can't forgive it.

 

Sometimes people just can't forgive and I think that that's no bad thing. I am sure that some people in my position would have just walked away as soon as they found out. I don't have that high an opinion of myself so it is easy for me to cling on to things that are bad for me.

 

A lot of people don't take dating seriously and mess around. It sounds like your husband changed though when he got married. Maybe it is possible to think of it as 'before' and 'after'?

 

Another point is that your husband did not intentionally try to hurt you when he was with the OW(S). Sure it did hurt, but it was not what he set out to do. I know what you mean about the difference between someone telling you what they were doing and catching them. I caught my husband out too and I know 100% if I hadn't answered his phone that I would have no idea what he was doing behind my back. The fact is that my husband had zero respect for me. He says now that he loves me but first he has to respect me and I have been instrumental in allowing him to treat me however he wants. At the moment I am not really 'working' on the marriage as such. I am working on finding a way to understand what went wrong and in changing the patterns of a lifetime. The marriage will go one of two ways afterwards. Either it will be better because it will be based on two adults who respect each other or it will not be able to cope with the new dynamic and it will fail. In mind, I am hoping for the first outcome but I am prepared to accept the second too.

 

Sue, two and a half years is a long time to be feeling this way. I don't know what to say. I just wish you some peace.

 

Sylvia

[SueBee3490]

Hi Sylvia,

 

I guess the whole theme of this thread was "unable to get over the anger" - which I have plenty of

 

I know what you mean by being more upset becaue your H did break his marriage vow by cheating. I wasn't married at the time so of course we had no vows to each other. I think I would be even madder if I found out my H was cheating as opposed to my bf. Of course by him cheating while we were dating/engaged, it puts me in the dilemna of thinking he feels as though he can cheat on me during dating but the minute he puts that ring on my finger, he suddenly discovered that he loved me and only me and will remain faithful during our marriage. I don't buy it for a moment. A leopard can't change it's spots. I think if he can do it during dating and really not feel guilt over it, he will do it during marriage. That's why I'm upset about all his cheating during our dating time. I believe if he truly loved me after 2 1/2 yrs of dating me, he would be faithful or at least be man enough to want to save me the pain of his cheating by breaking up with me.

 

I found out about his cheating because I found his secret email account 3-4 months after marrying him. I looked in the history on the computer and saw an email I didn't recognize. So I dug a little deeper and that's when I found he had recently emailed 2 women. One he had talked to for years and told her about me - the other one he just said he was really busy with work lately (didn't even mention he had gotten married - real nice guy ). So his continuous lying to them, even after he married me, makes me very suspicious that he won't be so squeaky clean with no affairs as he's tried to let me believe.

 

Yes I have given it a fight for these past 2 1/2 yrs. Some days I want out so bad and other days I feel I want to make it work. I love him but not that kind of love I felt for him before. I feel now that if he were to leave, I wouldn't lay down and die. At one time I felt that way. I could not imagine living without him - I loved him so much. But in the meantime with all I've found out about him, I realize that I was in love with a fantasy (at least the one in my mind). I can take alot of faults in people - I have many too - but cheating and showing total lack of respect for the other person is not one I can handle. I told him before that he was a coward and had no backbone because if he did, he would have saved me all this heartache. He just had to tell me good-bye - we weren't married. He says he couldn't tell me because he loved me. yeah right As I've said, I've went over this in my mind again and again and all he cared about was himself.

 

I really think if he had "one" affair or woman, I could handle that better. He consciously met one after the other and had relationships with them. This is premeditated and deliberate. If his conscious was working at all, he would have quit or at least told me good-bye. Even if he couldn't have told me that he was seeing other women, he could have walked away from me.

 

Sylvia - If you really want to work on your marriage and your H agrees, good luck. I know everyone's situation is different. Every time I look at my H and say "are you seeing anyone else?" and he says, "no" - I just say "of course you know I don't know if you are telling the truth or not" because I did ask him when we were dating if he wanted out of our relationship, if he was seeing other women, etc. and he always said no. I believed him.

 

Sorry to ramble again but thanks for listening.

 

SueBee

[sylviaguardian]

Suebee,

 

it really sounds like you have made your mind up that there is nothing left in the relationship. Yet you stay. Why? Are you afraid to leave and waiting for your husband to finish it? Or is it that you want it to work but are so afraid of trusting him again that you stay angry as a defence.

 

Have you ever been to counselling on your own? I went at first to help me cope with the affair, now I go because I am learning more than I could possibly believe about myself and makes me feel strong. From what you've said in previous posts, it sounds like you have low self-esteem. Do a quick internet search on low self-esteem and relationships and you might be surprised. There are various ways that it affects relationshipsand thinking in general. It sounds like you have been quite passive in the relationship i.e. you are angry at your husband for not breaking it off with you before you got married. Yet since you have been married, he's been faithful to you. It seems like you are getting nothing from the marriage, yet you can't seem to leave it.

 

You seem to be thinking in black and white with no shades of grey. This is common if we demand perfection from ourselves: it is hard to accept flaws in others also. YOu said in another post that you are partly angry because your husband is not doing enough to help you. I felt exactly the same way. This is very common with people with low self-esteem. The things that others do for them don't make them feel better (because they feel too bad about themselves) so they discount them and think "If only he would....buy me a diamond ring/whisk me to Paris/arrange a suprise wedding...etc. When this doesn't happen (often becasue the partner is confused about what we feel anyway) we get angry. It is a defnce mechanism for when you have been rejected. The anger allows you to disengage from that person so that it doesn't hurt as much.

 

Now this is important - I am not saying here that ANY of this was your fault. It was your husband's choice to have the affairs. What I am saying is that it sounds like your reaction is keeping you stuck in a trap of misery. You do not have to stay with this man if he makes you so miserable. Equally, if you want the marriage to work, you don't have to keep punishing him.

 

It really sounds like you could do with boosting your self-esteem. If you did this, I am sure that you would be in a much better position to make a choice about what makes YOU happy.

 

P.S. I think sometimes comparing affairs is not a good idea. I've done it myself e.g. "Well, I wouldn't put up with that!". I hear what you are saying about 1 affair being better than many but in my case I don't feel this. If your husabnd had a series of affairs, it is likely that he didn't feel much for those women and that it was more to do with the thrill of the chase etc.

 

In my case, this was a proper-relationship. It lasted years, they cared for each other (I would say loved, my H of course denies this). it essentially replaced me. That is very hard to take (for me). So I guess it's no good comparing. It doesn't matter really what happened. Pain is a very individual thing.

 

Sue - don't waste the rest of your life like this. You can have a happier life one way or another. The trick is to find a way to heal yourself first.

 

Hugs,

Sylvia

 

Originally posted by SueBee3490

[color=darkblue] A leopard can't change it's spots.[/color]

 

Black and white thinking with no shades of grey.

 

So his continuous lying to them, even after he married me, makes me very suspicious that he won't be so squeaky clean with no affairs as he's tried to let me believe.

 

Suspiciousness and terror

 

Yes I have given it a fight for these past 2 1/2 yrs. Some days I want out so bad and other days I feel I want to make it work. I love him but not that kind of love I felt for him before. I feel now that if he were to leave, I wouldn't lay down and die. At one time I felt that way. I could not imagine living without him - I loved him so much. But in the meantime with all I've found out about him, I realize that I was in love with a fantasy (at least the one in my mind). I can take alot of faults in people - I have many too - but cheating and showing total lack of respect for the other person is not one I can handle. I told him before that he was a coward and had no backbone because if he did, he would have saved me all this heartache. He just had to tell me good-bye - we weren't married. He says he couldn't tell me because he loved me. yeah right As I've said, I've went over this in my mind again and again and all he cared about was himself.

 

I really think if he had "one" affair or woman, I could handle that better. He consciously met one after the other and had relationships with them. This is premeditated and deliberate. If his conscious was working at all, he would have quit or at least told me good-bye. Even if he couldn't have told me that he was seeing other women, he could have walked away from me.

 

Sylvia - If you really want to work on your marriage and your H agrees, good luck. I know everyone's situation is different. Every time I look at my H and say "are you seeing anyone else?" and he says, "no" - I just say "of course you know I don't know if you are telling the truth or not" because I did ask him when we were dating if he wanted out of our relationship, if he was seeing other women, etc. and he always said no. I believed him.

 

Sorry to ramble again but thanks for listening.

 

SueBee

[color=black][/color]

[SueBee3490]

Sylvia,

 

You should be a therapist/counselor You are good. My H and I went to a counselor about a month after I found out about his cheating. It did no good. She basically accused me of "snooping" and told me now that he admits he did it, to leave it alone or it will be like a scab you keep picking at - it will never heal. We only went once to her and that was enough for me. Then I went to a counselor alone (which I paid myself). The joint counselor we went to was part of my EAP with my work which is a benefit and my employer would pay for up to 6 sessions. The counselor I went to alone made me feel that this was not at all my fault - it was his choice to cheat. She did sense I had fell into a depression and I was on medication for a short while. I didn't feel as though the medication was working so I quit it.

 

You said that I seemed like I had low self-esteem. You are 100% right. I know I do and I always have. My counselor also zeroed in on that and when she did - I just broke down and cried. She said we would have to work on that first. Well I haven't went back for probably a year. Not sure how much it helped me because I couldn't see staying with him. I guess I wanted to feel good (maybe in a bit of denial about what happened). I wanted to feel like I did before and felt I wasn't getting any better.

 

I know that I yo-yoed between wanting him out of my life for good because of what he'd done but then I couldn't just quit loving him like that. So my love for him was making me feel like I was on a constant roller coaster ride. You ask why I stay with him if I'm miserable and I think some of that is because I love him. I guess my head and my heart are in a tug of war. My head tells me that I shouldn't take another chance on him. See I did find out he dated a woman twice 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship of which I forgave him because he said he wouldn't do it again. I trusted him that he was telling the truth. I look back now and know that he saw the heartbreak I went through when I found out about that time and yet he turns around and does it again and again. So in my head I keep thinking of the saying - "fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me". There's alot of truth to that. But my heart pulls me the other way because I love him. But like I said before, it's a different kind of love from what I felt before. I don't know that I will ever feel that way again with him. I think I am now scared to let him back in because of the fear of him cheating again.

 

I keep picking up the phone to call a counselor again and see if I can at least work on me. I know I sound like a basket case on here but really I do feel better than I did. There were times, in the beginning, when I just wanted to die but I would never commit suicide because I do have 3 children and I knew that would totally devastate them. I couldn't put them through that - they already lost their father to leukemia. I think now if I went to a counselor, I would probably get more out of it because I have accepted what he's done and I do know that there is a real possibility my life will be without him in it.

 

So thank you Sylvia for all your advice - it is very much appreciated.

 

Take care

 

SueBee

[sylviaguardian]

Sue,

 

People on this site used to always say to me 'fix yourself first, then your relationship'. I had no idea at the time what that meant. Now I do. Start looking at ways to make yourself stronger (see your counsellor!), look at the things that make you happy, decide how you want your life to be independent of your relationship.

 

Once you have got those things in place your outlook will be totally different and then you will be in a position to decide whether this relationship makes you happy or not.

 

Time is on your side,

 

Higs,

Sylvia

[SueBee3490]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Sue,

 

People on this site used to always say to me 'fix yourself first, then your relationship'.

 

 

Sylvia,

 

I love that saying. Thank you for advice. I think I'm at the point where I'll take it - I feel so run down. I will call a counselor (again) for myself (he won't go). I can actually say after this much time of dwelling on this that I think I've got a lot to live for. I've got 3 kids that I adore and friends/family around me. I've got alot to offer the right person. I honestly feel he's done too much damage to this relationship to repair. I would constantly be worrying, checking up on him, etc. if we were to stay together - but he won't leave. I don't want to live the rest of my life "wondering" about him. I worry that he has no backbone and really can't say no to women. He had one woman that was "just a friend" that he kept telling her he couldn't chat with her on the computer or on the phone, yet when she initiated it, he would go ahead and talk to her.

 

I feel a person that is capable of cheating and doing it for a long period of time, will again if the oportunity arises. I think the ones that maybe have a one-night-stand could really be sorry and never do it again. It would be something that they didn't "plan". My H knew for a few years what he was doing and he didn't have any respect/love for me to quit. Says he would never cheat on me again (of course he will say that since I found out) but yet doesn't go to counseling to see "why" he did it in the first place. I feel he's bound to repeat his actions. So thanks again for your help.

 

Take care

SueBee

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by SueBee3490

 

I feel a person that is capable of cheating and doing it for a long period of time, will again if the oportunity arises. I think the ones that maybe have a one-night-stand could really be sorry and never do it again. It would be something that they didn't "plan". My H knew for a few years what he was doing and he didn't have any respect/love for me to quit. Says he would never cheat on me again (of course he will say that since I found out) but yet doesn't go to counseling to see "why" he did it in the first place. I feel he's bound to repeat his actions. So thanks again for your help.

 

Take care

SueBee

 

Hi guys,

 

This is exactly what I feel too. On Sunday morning after another week of arguing, I asked my H to leave. When I came back, he had. I was OK with this. I spoke to him on Sunday night and he was really upset. On Monday I started to feel a bit sorry for him and missed him. When I spoke to him last night he was 'back to business', no tears, just saying he needs another chance, that he's too stressed with work to make a big effort etc. This annoyed me because even when I tell him that I'm starting to think it really is over, he doesn't react really.

 

Last night I was clearing up and I found that timeline. I hadn't really pored over it in too much detail but I looked again and during the period where they were having the PA he'd written 'find her attractive/sensual, carefree/fun/ That really got to me. I thought no wonder she was carefree and fun - she wasn't trying to manage a home and job while her husband was out knocking off someone else's wife! Also the world 'sensual' just made me feel sick.

 

After that I thought 'No, you have made the right decision to get away from him'. I don't know though. Am I going to regret this at some point? I really feel like SueBee that some things are hard to get over. Ok, I think I could get over a ONS or something that lasted a couple of weeks but the fact that my H lied to me for years makes him a not very nice person in my eyes. I too feel that he has no respect or empathy for me.

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

Sylvia

[SueBee3490]

Sylvia,

I whole heartedly believe some things you can't get over. My H knew for years what he was doing. I really believe he doesn't have a conscience. I can not for the life of me conceive cheating on someone for YEARS and then having to look that person in the face day after day and not break down. I know that if I was the one cheating and I had to look my H in the face every day saying "I love you" knowing full well that I was cheating behind this kind, caring, loving person's back and knowing that he didn't know - I think I would either have to walk away from him or kill myself. I loved him so much but I guess he didn't love me as much. He was a very good actor and liar.

 

Your H was with one woman for years and mine went from woman to woman but for a few YEARS. The more I've thought about my H and how uncaring, selfish, etc. he was, the more disgust I feel for this man. In my situation we weren't married only in a committed relationship then engaged. He even lived in another state for god's sake! He could have told me "bye" and never came back. It wasn't like we lived across the street or even the next city to each other. So I question - why? Why did he keep driving the 450 miles to see me knowing he had women right in his own state? I don't believe it's love - maybe lust - I don't know. I saw what he dated and I guess he thought I was "better" so he did want to hang onto me. Doesn't make sense.

 

As for your decision to leave your H - only you can make that decision. I know some spouses leave the other for one affair and others try and hang onto their marriages after their partner has had numerous affairs. I guess it's just what each person can personally handle. Some question why I would want to leave my H when my H cheated during our dating years - he has since said he wouldn't cheat when married. Many believe people "mess around" when dating so not to make a big deal of it. I don't believe that. He fully knew that we were committed to each other. He didn't want me to date other men so why would he assume he could date other women? His disrespect for me during our dating showed me what type of person he is. If I had known he was cheating, I sure wouldn't have married him. This is something that I can't handle. I can't handle having a bf cheat on me behind my back. Maybe someone else could and just look at this as "dating" so it's not the same as cheating during marriage. It just showed me that he can carry on for years and have no conscience - and that's a very scary thought.

 

SueBee

[only1life]

Sylvia, sorry to hear you guys are separated. It sounded like you were going to be able to work things out, but I guess all things can change. Maybe separation will help you determine if things are better this way, or if things could be better with him. One thing though, be aware that the separation may change you husband, in a good way, so don't give up too quickly. I like to think that second chances can be worthwhile, sometimes.

 

SueBee, I can understand your feelings. I think maybe you need to look at the overall picture, and see if you can discover if a life with your H can ever be worthwhile. In my case, I really felt that there could be a really nice future together with my W, and that's what has really allowed me to forgive and continue working towards. I still believe that, and that's how I get through all the mental stress that keeps (although slightly less as each day/week/month goes by...) getting me down. Overall, I really think it's going to be worthwhile.

 

And I guess you guy's comments really make me re-think my own situation, but at this point, I'm pretty committed to making it work, and it seems my wife is also. We each had a chance to walk out on the other, when we hit our low time as she finally told me the truth, but we both stayed and after a time, began to talk about what we needed to do to make things better, and to make it worth staying together. I knew it was going to be hard, but it has been even harder than I thought!

 

I agree with Sylvia, there's no sense in comparing "affairs" since each of our situations have been different. My w's lasted about a month (but I think she thought about it for a year, when they first met) and she hid it for about another month, until I discovered it in an email. Would she have told me anyway? I'll never know, she says she would have, and I like to believe she had that much conscience. And while Sue's H's was before they got married, my W's was a couple weeks after our 25th anniversary! So the details don't make one better or worse, cause they cause pain to all of us. All of them stink!

 

Good luck to you guys. May whatever power guides us, help guide you to a better place.

 

Take Care.

[fleafly]

Hi Sylvia, Ive been keeping up with your post's but I havent been able to respond, since the question of this post is what Ive really been struggling with, and I dont have an answer! Although I will say, it seems some people have it in them, some dont I guess. I think alot of people are just afraid to deal will the consequences of leaving or giving up, but it seems to me as though these people have just as much a struggle confronting this issue as anyone. Im going on 6 months being seperated and my anger still fills most of my days, unfortunately. Sure I have days where there would be nothing more then to try and work thing out. For instance last Saturday, my wife called me, told me what she was doing for the day, she was planning on doing some things with the kids, and I sat there on the phone, wishing she would ask me if I would like to come. She finally asked, so I went and picked them up. Not a half hour later these feelings came back over me, I fell into this slump, just wanting to go and drop them off. Which I did, cutting the day short.

 

I cant really explain what this is, its just when Im with my wife and kids, I feel so disconnected, like I dont belong there for some reason. Im going to counseling tomorrow,(great family I now have, we are ALL in therapy, including my 4 year old, another thing that adds to my resentment) maybe she can help me with this, I dont know. One thing I would like to add though, at my last session, my therapist realized how much of a problem i am having dealing with this anger and resentment, and she suggested hypnotizing me to help me through this. I was really hesitant at first but she kind of ran me through it, and its something that I just might try, as I feel I have nothing to lose at this point. Ill keep you posted. In the meantime, stay strong....

[ollydolly]

I want to say that infidelity - especially ones that go on for years behind your back - should not be forgiven.

It is so intentional and so anti the whole concept of what love is meant to be.

Lying, betrayal and screwing other people without our knowledge is more akin to the act of an enemy, someone who hates us, rather than a partner who loves us.

 

I think alot of the confusion and anger comes from a sense of if we do "forgive" such behavior, we are compromising any ideals we hold sacred and therefore compromising our own self worth.

 

When we know we are compromising our self worth - we become sick to our stomachs because we know, at some level, we are dishonouring ourselves.

 

Love is open, love is honest, love is loyal. When a lover is the opposite of these things, he/she is not a lover but an enemy that will bring us down hard.

 

Our self worth is the most precious gift we own and when someone ****s on it so blatantly, they are no longer worthy of our love and so called "forgiving" them, may be nothing more than us choosing to disown our self worth to hold on to someone who actually does not deserve it.

[sylviaguardian]

Only 1 life,

 

I am really sorry that our comments have made you re-think your own situation! That was not the intention at all! I really wish I could be more like you and have the conviction to give it a real go. I am doubtful that this separation will make any difference to my H - I asked him to leave before. I guess what I am doing is testing out the waters to see how I feel being separated from him. I have to admit I don't miss him at all, at least not the way things have been.

 

At least you are trying your hardest only1life. If it still doesn't work out, at least you know that you did all you could

 

Fleafly,

 

Good to hear from you. It's really a shame that your anger is spoiling things so much for you. It's no wonder you feel disconnected from your wife and kids as you have moved out. Anger is a funny emotion - it's caused by lots of different things but at the end of the day, it is never really useful. Have you sat down and thought about what it is that you are really angry about. Are you angry that your anger has taken you away from your family? I think hypnosis might be a good idea but then again that doesn't address the issue of Why you are so angry. If you think that you made the right decision then it's time to get on with your life. You can say that your wife messed you around and you left so you can hold your head up high. But is part of your anger due to the fact that feel the decision to leave wasn't all your's? How long did it take you to leave?

 

Wish I could say something more useful.

 

Sylvia