He's breaking up with his girlfriend today. How do I support him?

[Sunnycloud]

So I've been having an affair with this guy for four months now. Since it started we have talked every day, seen each other 5+ times a week, and gone on multiple breaks. In short, we're close. I asked him to break up with her for me and he agreed. He started the conversation with her yesterday and is a wreck today. He's quiet and tearful and I don't know what to say, really. I don't know whether to act happy, or sombre, or what. I don't know how to help him through this when it's something I shouldn't have had a place in to start with. I don't know. Does anyone have any advice for how to get through the break-up period?

[Popsicle]

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

 

It sounds like he didn't want to break up with her (as in, he wanted to keep you both). He may be resentful towards you now. Or go back to her.

[privategal]

It may have been better if he made that decision on his own. Obviously if he is crying and quiet he still has feelings for her...also alot if back and forth talks come from breakups..alot of emotions on both sides. He may start to second guess.

He 'started' the talk with her you said?

If he was truly ready it would have been one conversation, like a bandaid, just rip it off, tell her, done.

I would give space and do not interfere right now, be prepared he may change his mind, he may still love her, he may be a lot of things.

Its better he comes to you then you be in the center of the breakup with him because if he feels horribly guilty if she doesn't take it well..all that negativity he could associate with you.

[Sunnycloud]

I am relatively certain he doesn't still love her. I was his friend before the affair, and I know their relationship had been going downhill for a long time before me. I wouldn't say he has no feelings for her but I'm certainly not the only factor in causing him to want to break up with her. I asked him how he felt and he said he chose me over her about a month back, and he's acted consistently with that. He definitely feels incredibly guilty and is very bad with confrontation in general. They had two conversations because she dragged the conversation on and he had to get up for work early, so they agreed to finish it today. He definitely wouldn't have done it this soon if it weren't for me, though. I don't know what to do really.

[Sunnycloud]

So to clarify, he made the decision to break up with her on his own, without me asking, about a month back. I then pushed it along to be before I booked a flight for a trip he wants us to go on because I wasn't willing to invest that much money if he wasn't willing to commit to me. Otherwise he was planning on doing it 2 weeks - a month and a half from now.

[Maddieandtae]

Has the other man been with his girlfriend for along time? Breakups without affairs are difficult and emotional, adding the affair to this breakup will be extra difficult. There will be a lot of guilt, sadness and fear which will come out as anger. If you put yourself in the frontline of this breakup you may become the target of this fear which will be confusing and hurtful to you. It might even be better if you both take a break from each other to let the end of the relationship occur without you in the background so that this man has a clear head of what he really wants. Same for you, some space might give you a different view of all of this.

[minimariah]

Otherwise he was planning on doing it 2 weeks - a month and a half from now.

 

why...? if he decided & chose you a MONTH ago -- why didn't he break up with her then? why wasn't he ready a month ago but is ready now or would be ready a month and a half from now? what are his reasons for waiting that long...? they live together so he needs time to come up with a back - up plan or...? breaking up isn't easy but it shouldn't be a rocket science either -- especially when it's JUST an adult relationship. that's a very normal and basic life phase.

 

he'll be fine. just be there for him, give him support and spend time with him as planned. he's tearful NOW but he'll be as cheerful as ever in a couple of days once things are solved, believe me. he is right now, what i like to call -- fake upset. upset because he feels like he needs to be upset and because he feels guilty, in reality -- he doesn't give a sh*t about that relationship or that girl.

 

just give him a week or so, he'll be back to his usual happy self. it's only been one day, after all. and do NOT act happy, as in - show empathy and give him support but make it clear that you're satisfied and that you expect him to commit to you and step up his game.

Edited November 9, 2015 by minimariah

[Artie Lang]

let me get this straight... he's the one who's broken-hearted because he broke up with someone because his mistress "asked" him to. now i've heard them all.

 

how about a little consideration for the one person in this whole mess who truly deserves some sympathy- his betrayed GF.

[Lois_Griffin]

So to clarify, he made the decision to break up with her on his own, without me asking, about a month back. I then pushed it along to be before I booked a flight for a trip he wants us to go on because I wasn't willing to invest that much money if he wasn't willing to commit to me. Otherwise he was planning on doing it 2 weeks - a month and a half from now.

Yeah, and then when that 'break up' date was approaching, he would have just pushed it back to another date farther in the future.

 

While he may be non-confrontational, he's very easily manipulated. That doesn't bode well for you should some other woman decide to get her hooks in him somewhere down the road.

 

I'd b making myself real scarce right about now. Even though he claims he was going to break up with her at some date he'd given in the near future, the bottom line is that he'll eventually blame you for it.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Popsicle]

So to clarify, he made the decision to break up with her on his own, without me asking, about a month back. I then pushed it along to be before I booked a flight for a trip he wants us to go on because I wasn't willing to invest that much money if he wasn't willing to commit to me. Otherwise he was planning on doing it 2 weeks - a month and a half from now.

 

There is never a "right time" to dump someone.

[anika99]

Well OP how is your BF doing today? Did he complete that breakup conversation today? Are you sure he even had the talk? Could he have been turning on the tears and angst just for your benefit so that maybe you would back off and stop demanding that he break it off with his GF?

 

How long has he been with his GF and how seriously intertwined were their lives? Do they live together or have children?

[Dylon]

At first, sounds like you are picking up a rebound. I don't think so based on your additional information.

 

I was in his shoes once, ending a very long relationship. It's not easy. He does care about her and there is a lot of guilt involved. It hurt me a lot and we cried a lot but I really did want to move on and love someone else. We don't know the guy but if he's human, he will feel it. Just give him the support he needs. Give him time. Don't push him, lecture, or give all kinds of text book advices. It must be on his term. When you see him, offer support and talk about her only if he does, but only as a supporting role. Don't add to the hurt memories. Listen. That's it. Just say:" I understand. I'm here for you". Otherwise, make new memories together.

[OldRover]

At first, sounds like you are picking up a rebound. I don't think so based on your additional information.

 

I was in his shoes once, ending a very long relationship. It's not easy. He does care about her and there is a lot of guilt involved. It hurt me a lot and we cried a lot but I really did want to move on and love someone else. We don't know the guy but if he's human, he will feel it. Just give him the support he needs. Give him time. Don't push him, lecture, or give all kinds of text book advices. It must be on his term. When you see him, offer support and talk about her only if he does, but only as a supporting role. Don't add to the hurt memories. Listen. That's it. Just say:" I understand. I'm here for you". Otherwise, make new memories together.

 

Good post Dylon,

 

Of the breakups I've been through they have all had emotions and feelings were hurt. It's not easy and situations are different. Popsicle's right, there's never a good time for a breakup. And sometimes you don't know what the reaction will be or what the outcome will be.

 

OP: You've gotten good advise to distance yourself from the breakup, just be supportive and hope for the best. Yes, he really should have done this prior to your involvement.

[Lovemesomehim]

So I've been having an affair with this guy for four months now. Since it started we have talked every day, seen each other 5+ times a week, and gone on multiple breaks. In short, we're close. I asked him to break up with her for me and he agreed. He started the conversation with her yesterday and is a wreck today. He's quiet and tearful and I don't know what to say, really. I don't know whether to act happy, or sombre, or what. I don't know how to help him through this when it's something I shouldn't have had a place in to start with. I don't know. Does anyone have any advice for how to get through the break-up period?

 

from the sound of it, you will regret making this request. My advice, if he is crying, sad and miserable because of the break up chances are he is realizing he made a mistake. Step back for a minute and allow him to think.

[Popsicle]

At first, sounds like you are picking up a rebound. I don't think so based on your additional information.

 

I was in his shoes once, ending a very long relationship. It's not easy. He does care about her and there is a lot of guilt involved. It hurt me a lot and we cried a lot but I really did want to move on and love someone else. We don't know the guy but if he's human, he will feel it. Just give him the support he needs. Give him time. Don't push him, lecture, or give all kinds of text book advices. It must be on his term. When you see him, offer support and talk about her only if he does, but only as a supporting role. Don't add to the hurt memories. Listen. That's it. Just say:" I understand. I'm here for you". Otherwise, make new memories together.

 

The million dollar question is: did you actually move on the the new lady or did you go back to the lady you were grieving with ?

[schiller]

He'll probably do the same thing to you some day that he's doing to his first girlfriend right now.

 

It's like a character flaw that cheaters have. They have no regard for the person they're supposedly committed to, they don't even consider the pain the cheating will cause, they only think about their own needs "in the moment". Right now you're filling more of his needs so you get the booby prize, but that will be shortlived.

[Dylon]

The million dollar question is: did you actually move on the the new lady or did you go back to the lady you were grieving with ?

 

Moved on and married her. In my case, there was no "love" of that kind left, just I did love her as a person, friend because of our time together. This guy could be going through that "confused" stage because he sees that he's hurting this ex. It could be that this guy needs a little push. It's hard for me to believe that if he still loves this girl he was with, that he would end for the OP. We're just guessing of course.

[Dylon]

He'll probably do the same thing to you some day that he's doing to his first girlfriend right now.

 

It's like a character flaw that cheaters have. They have no regard for the person they're supposedly committed to, they don't even consider the pain the cheating will cause, they only think about their own needs "in the moment". Right now you're filling more of his needs so you get the booby prize, but that will be shortlived.

 

I think you are making too many assumptions. He could just be weak for example to let go of the ex.

[schiller]

I think you are making too many assumptions. He could just be weak for example to let go of the ex.

 

Yes he's definitely weak for staying in the first relationship while also having a second relationship while not telling the first one about the second one.

 

He wants both. But I doubt his first girlfriend would be so agreeable and the second one is pushing him to finish up already.

[Popsicle]

Moved on and married her. In my case, there was no "love" of that kind left, just I did love her as a person, friend because of our time together. This guy could be going through that "confused" stage because he sees that he's hurting this ex. It could be that this guy needs a little push. It's hard for me to believe that if he still loves this girl he was with, that he would end for the OP. We're just guessing of course.

 

I guess marriage makes the difference, since you are in the same predicament again recently, except you didn't leave.