GF wants to travel with other guy in RV

[ben87]

Hello Everybody

 

First, I would like to thank you for your eyes, thoughts and advice. I found myself in a situation in my relationship, where I decided that I need advice.

I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend for 8 years now. Everything went good almost all the time. Both of us are not happy with our job situation. That’s why my gf decided to quit her job this year.

After she quit she asked me if I would be ok with her going to Australia for 3 Months, alone. 2 months school, 1 month traveling from Cairns to Sydney. although I was not the happiest person on earth

to hear about her plans, I told her that I was fine with it. Especially as I didn’t want to be the reason if she someday regrets she didn’t do it.

Now she is in Cairns, living with a host family, going to school, going out, having a good time. We skype regularly and we both miss each other.

 

As there are only 3 weeks left for her to finish the school, she started to plan how she wants to travel to Sydney. And that’s where the problems started.

When she talked about her trip, she said she will travel alone and take the greyhound bus which drives up and down the east coast. Knowing that alone means she will meet people at hostels and travel in groups for some parts of the journey.

But now there is this one guy who apparently wants to head for

Sydney as well. The guy speaks the same language as she does and lives about 1.5 hours from our home.

 

She asks me if it would be ok if they rent a RV (Camper) together and travel to Sydney. Staying in the RV or either he sleeps in a tent outside if I want so. She assured me that there are no romantic feelings or whatsoever from each side. The other guy is single by the way.

 

She says it’s because she would rather travel with somebody but alone.

 

I told her that I don’t like her idea and she also admitted that she wouldn’t like it me doing this with a girl I just met traveling. But at same time she didn’t let it drop but started arguing.

 

Look, i have no problem them traveling together by bus or whatever. meeting new people on the bus and in the hostels. But it just feels weird thinking of them being together all the time. It feels like she is literally on vacation with another guy. Or in other words, this guy just takes my girlfriens on vacation.

 

I totally trust her. Not so much him. And it feels like they will build up memories together, having a good time, thinking of each other every time they think about their trip to Australia.

I feels another guy gets my gf attention exclusively. And that’s something I can’t handle. I don’t want share her emotionally. (Maybe this sounds weird, I don’t know how else to express it).

 

If she would travel by bus, she would meet new people in every hostel she stays. Some people would join her for the next bus ride.

I have no problem if this guy joins her traveling by bus, because i know they will always be with other people.

 

The discussion only started and I already felt like "why do we even have to discuss this?". I agreed on you going alone, meeting people, have fun. Only thing I’m now asking is to please not go travel with another guy in a RV for 4 weeks!?

 

Also I’m not sure why she don’t want to respect my point. Coming up with things as if “it would be safer“ and whatnot.

 

This is a ****ty experience for me. I’m having no good time right now.

 

What do you guys think. What should I do?

 

PS: Sorry for bad grammar or expressions. English is not my native language. However, I think people will understand what I mean.

[Els]

IMO she's being ridiculous and has zero respect for boundaries. Traveling by herself is a completely different thing from traveling in a RV with another GUY, and if you're not okay with that then she should be respecting that and communicating about a compromise, instead of arguing.

 

If she really doesn't want to travel alone then what is stopping her from joining a group of people or traveling with another girl?

[Poutrew]

She is arguing with you because she has already gelled plans to be with this guy. You can't stop her. I am really sorry this has happened to you but it sounds like she has already joined the ranks of the unfaithful. It may be hard, but you need to let her know that she is changing the relationship between you and her, and she may not like the results.... if her travelling with another man bothers you that much (and it should), then just tell her to not bother coming back. Change out your locks, and put her stuff in a box on the driveway for her to pick up when her new man and her roll into town in the RV. Don't back down. If you do you hand her your testicles on a silver platter, and this RV Adventure will simply repeat every year...sorry man. Just consider the 8 years you had as a good run and now it's over...

[Sparta]

You do do not I repeat do not have anything to do with the girl when she gets back if you do you can entertain the idea of getting back together with her you'll hate yourself for the rest your life

[Art_Critic]

IMO she's being ridiculous and has zero respect for boundaries. Traveling by herself is a completely different thing from traveling in a RV with another GUY, and if you're not okay with that then she should be respecting that and communicating about a compromise, instead of arguing.

 

If she really doesn't want to travel alone then what is stopping her from joining a group of people or traveling with another girl?

 

I agree with this post...

 

As a guy myself, I think if I spent 4 weeks with a girl and we were both single (I'm not but I am speaking it terms of if I was).. and by single I mean not married.. I think after a week if we were getting along I'd try to make a move.. now that is me..

 

When I was single I certainly wouldn't have made a move on someone else's girl.. but 4 weeks.. long time...

[kgcolonel]

I agree with the above posters but I would simply tell her that since you're not married, she is free to do as she pleases as are you.

 

So you hope the decision to join up with this guy is worth the cost and leave it at that. See if she asks "what the cost is" and if she does: Tell her that you're not sure yet but you'll surely be thinking about this while she is with the other guy. If she doesn't ask, you have your status as her BF or really the former BF.

[lolablue17]

It's not your decision, it's hers.

 

So, next time tell her that you thought about it, and you are so disappointed of her even asking you in the first place. Tell her that the only reason you forgive her, is because you understand that being so far for so long has distorted her mind and judgement. But now after everything was being said, you expect her to come back to her sences and stop raising strange ideas.

 

Tel her that there is nothing to discuss and she is grown enough to make her own decision, whether she wants to be commited to your relationship, or she wants to terminate it. It's her call.

 

I'm not so patient like you, so i would have told her that i'm going to take one of my female friends to a few month trip in RV, so she mustn't hurry to come back.

Edited November 9, 2015 by lolablue17

[qubist]

She already made her plans to travel with this guy and just wants you to suck it up, are you sure that all this Astralian school trip wasn't a plan for her to meet this guy and spend some time with him?

I agree with all the response here. You should stay firm about how you feel and do not tolerate her shaky boundaries

[loveweary11]

I'll go one step more.

 

First, you are absolutely in the right.

 

Second, the whole "quit the job and go traveling solo" thing definitely would have alerted me that there are massive problems brewing.

 

She's using you as a back up. A safety net.

 

She's out there WITHOUT YOU, meeting tons of new people and this will change her, permanently. You are doing the same old thing, so you won't change.

 

I hate to point this out, but it's true. I'm going to get bashed for it but....

 

Any time a woman feels unfulfilled, wishy washy about her life and goes off to do something alone, it's the beginning of the end for the current dude.

 

These things happen in the form of traveling alone, living alone, taking classes alone. Because.... she's not really alone. She's meeting scores of new, interesting people that she will feel more closely aligned with than old, reliable Ben. Boring Ben. Ben that represents a life she no longer wants.

 

What amazes me is how women often don't take their existing boyfriend into the new life.

 

They dump him, cheat on him or whatever as they enter the new phase.

 

I've seen this countless times and been the poor nice guy myself.

 

It's too late with this one unless you get yourself to Australia and do the trip in the RV with just her and you.

 

Oherwise... be ready for disaster. It's at your doorstep.

[StBreton]

Hey OP ... I spent 2 summers in Europe traveling many years ago... I was not in a relationship the first time but the second time I was. During the second trip, my gf from college and I met up with a group of really good looking guys who we traveled with to a slightly "dangerous" country (outside Europe) ... a country 2 young woman wouldn't want to travel to alone. In any case...we spent every moment together with these 4 guys for 10 days.

 

My gf wound up getting together with one of the guys (she was free and single at the time). Another was very enamored with me...but I let him know I was with someone so he was very respectful. My bf at the time believed in me and trusted me. I didn't betray his trust. I was grateful we were able to travel to this country and appreciated the "protection."

 

In my experience...a lot of people who travel like this do get together to just travel and explore the region...doesn't have to mean anything. I wouldn't worry about your gf doing anything untoward...but I don't like the idea that she's solo with this guy ... you don't know him or what he's capable of. I'm surprised she'd travel a month solo with him.

 

I agree that her being away from you and relishing in her travel experience is clouding her judgement ... I also don't like how she's dissing your feelings ... might not bode well for later on in your relationship ... she might think it's ok to just walk all over your feelings about important matters. The guy I was dating when we traveled with this group of guys would not have been ok with me traveling "solo" with another guy for a month. That would have been a deal breaker ... my situation was a bit different though.

 

I'd let your gf know that she can do as she wishes and you will as well.

Edited November 9, 2015 by StBreton

[ben87]

Hey folks

 

Its so amazing how i get respond on this so fast! It feels like somebody is really caring about my issues and is holding my back in some way. Also glad to hear that I'm not insane and my concerns are justified. Almost all of the replies are helpful.

 

Though, few are really pessimistic and i want you to know that i dont see it out of control, and will do what i can to make this a good lesson for us both after all.

 

I meanwhile think that she is probably really not aware of what she asked from me and that this is just a result of her being insecure about traveling alone but with somebody she knows at least for few weeks and feels safe with.

 

question: I have a really good relationship to her mother. Do you think it could helpt to explain her the whole situation? She has a good relationship to her mother too and i really think if somebody can explain her, its her mother.

 

However, I will you guys let to know how it all went out.

[StBreton]

Good for you OP to get some input and not go off the deep end. There are lots of good and wise people on this forum and seems as though you're taking some of the advice.

 

As for the mother of your gf...my mom would completely freak out if she found out I was planning on traveling in an RV solo in a foreign country with a strange guy for a month. I'm not sure if you want to start drama there as your gf will most likely resent your intrusion. You know your situation best but I think it's best you treat each other as adults and keep this between the two of you. I think it's manipulative if you contact her mom.

 

If you are at your wits end and getting no where with your gf...you just have to let it go and tell her this is a deal breaker (if it is and I truly think you are well within your right to feel that way) then see how it all goes.

[qubist]

Hey folks

 

Its so amazing how i get respond on this so fast! It feels like somebody is really caring about my issues and is holding my back in some way. Also glad to hear that I'm not insane and my concerns are justified. Almost all of the replies are helpful.

 

Though, few are really pessimistic and i want you to know that i dont see it out of control, and will do what i can to make this a good lesson for us both after all.

 

I meanwhile think that she is probably really not aware of what she asked from me and that this is just a result of her being insecure about traveling alone but with somebody she knows at least for few weeks and feels safe with.

 

question: I have a really good relationship to her mother. Do you think it could helpt to explain her the whole situation? She has a good relationship to her mother too and i really think if somebody can explain her, its her mother.

 

However, I will you guys let to know how it all went out.

I hope I'm wrong, but I think that you are trying to avoid the confrontation by bringing her mother. you should be able to talk to her about your feelings solo.

ask yourself this question but be honest to yourself. are you afraid to lose her if you confront her?

[ben87]

I hope I'm wrong, but I think that you are trying to avoid the confrontation by bringing her mother. you should be able to talk to her about your feelings solo.

ask yourself this question but be honest to yourself. are you afraid to lose her if you confront her?

 

I see your point but i sure didnt want to avoid any confrontation. In fact i already confronted her with clearly saying that im not ok with it.

 

What i thought was that maybe someone she really listens too could explain this to her. Maybe if she explains her why its a bad idea, she will understand.

But as some of you already said, it could be self-defeating.

[qubist]

I see your point but i sure didnt want to avoid any confrontation. In fact i already confronted her with clearly saying that im not ok with it.

 

What i thought was that maybe someone she really listens too could explain this to her. Maybe if she explains her why its a bad idea, she will understand.

But as some of you already said, it could be self-defeating.

do you really think that she needs somebody to explain it is wrong? she admitted herself that she wouldn't like it if you would've done it with another girl. you can ask her mother but I guarantee it wouldn't change anything.

you are INMHO, trying to avoid confrontation,

if she thinks it is not acceptable for you to do and insists on doing it is because either she has no respect for you, or she is in a slippery slope at best or maybe she down the slope already.

If I were you, I would stay firm on my boundaries. you can't control her she would do what she wants but that would give you lots of answers about your relationship with her

[kgcolonel]

The more I hear on this the more the message should be: "you can do what you want as can I....this is a deal breaker for me....sounds as if it is a deal breaker for you as well...."

 

Where do you plan to go from here? If she goes, where does that leave you?

[Chi townD]

What an oxymoron! She already told you if the roles were reversed, she would not be happy about you traveling in an RV, in private with another single girl. Yet, she expects you to be okay with her traveling with a single guy?!?!?

[drifter777]

It really doesn't matter what you do at this point. She is going to have sex with this guy and then, when she gets home, tell you that she "met someone" and it's time for the two of you to part ways. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. It's just that I rarely am when it comes to cheating.

[qubist]

It really doesn't matter what you do at this point. She is going to have sex with this guy and then, when she gets home, tell you that she "met someone" and it's time for the two of you to part ways. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. It's just that I rarely am when it comes to cheating.

 

You hope you are wrong but you've just seen it happen too many times

[lolablue17]

It really doesn't matter what you do at this point. She is going to have sex with this guy and then, when she gets home, tell you that she "met someone" and it's time for the two of you to part ways. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. It's just that I rarely am when it comes to cheating.

 

You are focused on the future risk aspect, of her RV trip.

 

But the OP doesn't like the fact that she travels 1X1 with a guy in an RV trip for 4 weeks, even if nothing sexually or romantically happens between them. He feels uncomfortable with what he knows will happen for sure. And that's what he should be focused on.

 

If he tells her that he's afraid of her developing a sexually\romantically interaction with this guy,

1. She can always insist that nothing is going to happen, and blame him for not trusting her,

2. He presents himself as weak and insecure.

 

But if he is focused on his personal boundaries, giving her the message that "If you go with him, you might lose me", He presents himself as a man with self respect, a man with balls, a man whom she cannot manipulate. This is a much better position to stand on.

Edited November 9, 2015 by lolablue17

[Clay]

I don't think she is cheating but clearly she has no respect for your or herself. There is no way I would ever even consider letting my wife do anything like that. I would tell her if she goes then she needs to consider herself single and not to contact you anymore but that is just me.

 

Good luck

 

C

[smackie9]

I get that she doesn't want to travel alone, and having a man around I feel is way better that just two girls for safety reasons. I would encourage her to invite along a couple of more girls to the mix...I'm sure there will be no shortage of volunteers at one of the hostels...safety in numbers.

 

I do agree with the others tho, this whole thing is not appropriate. You have been together for 8 years, by now you two should be planning trips and life plans together not solo. I would never ever pack up and take off without my BF.

 

I agree with the other poster, she is bored with her life, and well it wouldn't surprise me when she gets home things are not going to be the same.

[Chi townD]

Well, if I were you, I would tell her that you are in no position to stop her, you're not married. However, her choices have consequences. And just like she has a choice, so do you. Let her soak that in.

[Spectre]

Just dump her. The second she spewed out the words "I wouldn't be okay with this if the situation was reversed" should of been the second the relationship ended. She wants to have her cake and bang it too. If you allow her to go she will just be permanently leaving shoe marks on your back.

 

Thing is now it doesn't matter if she decides not to go, the fact that in her mind this was even a viable option shows she is not gf material.

 

Tell her if she goes it is over. Tell her she might as well go though because her hypocrisy has made it entirely impossible for you to ever take her seriously again.

[Try]

But now there is this one guy who apparently wants to head for Sydney as well. The guy speaks the same language as she does and lives about 1.5 hours from our home.

 

She asks me if it would be ok if they rent a RV (Camper) together and travel to Sydney. Staying in the RV or either he sleeps in a tent outside if I want so. She assured me that there are no romantic feelings or whatsoever from each side. The other guy is single by the way.

What she just said is that she has gotten to know this single other man so well over the last few weeks, that they both have decided that they want to spend a month vacationing and traveling alone in an RV with each other. She is even OK with him sleeping in the RV with her, but will tell you that he will sleep outside in a tent if that makes you feel better. The truth is, she would not want to spend a month vacationing and traveling alone in an RV with just anyone even many of her friends and family. They are not strangers and are more than just friends.