Back to the Shack!

[merrmeade]

... So there are a lot of pictures that I don't want to look at of our first son because I can tie those moments to moments where my H was heavily into focusing on the OW.

Yes, exactly. I've been going through this recently. I decided to take all pictures out of their albums and organize a different way. Looking at the ones of my firstborn is different since finding out that my husband was having an affair then. I want to know in which ones was he also seeing her. He's never made it clear to me when it started, when it ended. The last time we tried, he really couldn't remember which year it was.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Stormyseas....you described 'our life' for thirty years past DDay. Good....happy....sad.....and something missing.

 

The only thing i want to say to you is this....sometimes...we do cross the final hurdle to healing....and if you continue on the path that you are traveling....I would not be a bit surprised if you someday recapture that spark...that specialness.

 

My husband thought of our marriage as the before and after...after my affair......much like you have described....but a couple of years ago...I was able to finally see how to jump the hurdle...and now he can once again see our marriage in continuity.

 

Thank you for your story of encouragement and honesty....and i hope you recapture that spark. I think you will make it!

[Just a Guy]

Hello StormySeas, Thank you for your reply. I had a sense that your reconciliation had to do with your devotion to your son. It was reflected in your description of the incident where you hurt yourself quite seriously while playing with him in the park. That incident also gave an opening to your husband to show how much he actually cared for you and your son(His son too) and that must have been the catalyst for the two of you to come together again and further led to your effort at reconciliation. I understand that your marriage will never be the pristine crystal clear shining one it was on the day you first got married or the early days after. However, just like our bodies age and develop wrinkles and scars from injuries picked up over a lifetime, so too, all marriages collect wrinkles and scars as time goes on. One does not discard one's body for a brand new young one just because the old one has aged. Just so one does not or should not bail on a marriage which has aged. I agree that sometimes a cheating spouse who refuses to show remorse and continues with his or her cheating habits makes a marriage redundant. In your husband's case I think he has shown remorse and has grown as a man and as a responsible spouse and will probably continue growing as time goes by. You would have no reason to regret your decision to reconcile.

All old wounds hurt from time to time. Serious injuries will continue to hurt for a long time after the incident that caused them has faded in intensity. Yes when the pain returns periodically it will cause discomfort. However as time goes by the intensity of the pain will reduce. Memories will fade and although a kink will always remain it will get less sharp over time. Of course this assumes that for your husband this was a one time aberration and something that wiilll not repeat in the future. This also presupposes that you yourself are not struck by the crisis that seems to affect so many middle aged women that is a mid life crisis which could lead to an affair of your own.

I guess that is all for the moment. Cheers!

[merrmeade]

Hahahahaha...I cannot disclose what might be happening in those escapes from reality, Mr. Lucky!

 

Midwestmissy...the most important thing? For me, there wasn't one thing. I had to approach it my way, which meant that I educated myself (visited with a divorce lawyer, read a ton of books and spent a lot of time here and elsewhere on the web reading); went on with my life (if I'd spent just one day hiding under the covers like I wanted to, I think my spiral down could have been tough to start); focused on my son; started to get pedicures and take an hour for myself here and there; threw the watch my H got me the weekend after he slept with the OW for the first time in his face and bought myself a really nice new watch that reminds me every day to be strong for me; and bought new shoes and clothes (retail therapy never worked for me before, but it helped for some reason with all of this). What I did not do was engage in any sort of damaging behavior...I didn't call old boyfriends, head out on the town, etc. I spent little time talking to others that found out about the affair outside of my H and our therapist. Hearing about every little thing my parents or brother didn't like about my H since the beginning may have helped them to vent on, but it wasn't going to help me. So I really formed a protective bubble around me, and tried to figure out what the heck to do next each day.

wow, I wonder if you realize how awesome this is? You are doing GREAT, ss, much better than I did. I spent not merely one day "under the covers" but countless days "on the couch."

[merrmeade]

sorry, I hadn't read pg. 2 of this thread yet on previous post because you've given even more evidence of strength and tenacity. Your capacity to prevail and truly make it the best it can be is humbling. It also inspires me to do better and more than I have, to make fewer excuses (or not let the A be an excuse) and pull up my end better.

 

I'm not sure (and not sure you're sure either) exactly why you came here because your first post is far more tentative than those on pg. 2 of this thread. I started to say that maybe you hoped for something to push the two of you to the next level, but then thought, "No, she's getting what she came here for: Confirmation."

 

Good for you. Just good for you.

[ladydesigner]

Passed 15 years post Dday this year. And you just described the relationship I have with my WW.

 

It is what it is. Wishing and hoping won't make it better. Sometimes life serves up a crap sandwich for us to eat.

 

I didn't D my WW for similar reasons - I didn't want OM to be anywhere near my daughters.

 

Life gives us choices, and sometimes none of those choices are good. All we can do is choose the least bad among them, and just do the best we can in those circumstances.

 

Same here there is no way I would have MOW (or any other 20 something nitwit my WH picks) around my kids. I didn't/don't want to split my time 50/50 with my kids. Like people say I have one life to live and I want to spend all the time I have left with them before become grown.

 

I also really enjoy my H's company on most days. We are fragile and vulnerable, and our relationship is work, mostly because of the strains from the baggage of the A. But we have a ton in common, laugh a lot, love a lot, and generally are in a pretty good place. But we aren't, and will never be in the place that we were in before our first son and before the A -- the place where my H could be standing across the room and we'd meet eyes and just give a little nod and smile, and you could almost feel the love between us. We had a little bit of magic before, and a little spark. That's gone. What we have now is a loving and respectful relationship, damaged by an A that creates some mistrust and vulnerability around it.

 

So true I have known my WH for 20 years, I know the good the bad and the ugly and this is exactly where we are right now. Great description of often what a M looks like post infidelity.

[StormySeas]

All of your replies mean a lot to me. So thank you. I felt the need to post again because when I was going through a lot, some of the most helpful posts from those who had gone through reconciliation and those who hadn't were posts a year, two years, 5 years, 10 years, etc. past the A. One, because it showed me that people survived. Two, because it showed me that there was no right path -- that each person had forged their own path, and that I needed to figure out what was right for me. Three, because understanding how long a journey it would be to get healthy emotionally really set the bar low early, and I never felt guilty about wallowing.

 

So you all give me strength. Or you make me think. And I really appreciate it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Stormy, Guess you've got what you wanted from your visit to the Forum this time. As I said before you are a lady with a lot of strength of Character and great resilience. It seems to me that once you have set your mind to something you will not budge till you achieve your goal. That said I guess all the folk on the forum would wish you all the very best in your journey forward which, as you know, is fraught with challenges and difficulties. However with your kind of spirit I am sure, as must the other members here, that you will succeed. Do visit the Forum at some point in the future when you can share some more experiences of how you have overcome the problems that may have beset you so that they will be an inspiration to new comers to the forum who are hurting and struggling with their own painful experiences. Warm wishes!

Edited November 22, 2015 by Just a Guy