Husband not calling while away with the boys

[mint_tea]

My husband went on a weekend trip to a football game with his friends. He left early in the morning Saturday, and said he would call me Monday when he got back. I didn't think he actually wouldn't call until Monday because we usually talk when one of us is away.

 

He has barely even texted. Saturday night at 2 am he texted to ask if I was still out (I was at a conference and we went out in town after). I started talking about what was happening at the conference and he said he wants to hear all about it when he gets back. I called him right then because it felt like he was shutting me down.

 

Sunday he texted me just once to ask how our cats were. Not how I was or if I made it home okay or how my weekend is going. Sunday night at 1am I still hadn't heard from him so I texted him that I was going to bed whether he planned on checking in or not. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He said he thought I would be asleep already so he didn't contact me. I told him he could have texted me to find out.

 

He apologized last night and said he would talk to me in the morning. Well, his plane just left for home without a word from him. And I'm supposed to drive an hour to pick him up. I'm so tempted to tell him to find his own way home.

 

We've talked about his lack of communication before. I'm so hurt that he barely reached out. I'm trying to hold back tears but it's hard.

[MightyPen]

My husband went on a weekend trip to a football game with his friends. He left early in the morning Saturday, and said he would call me Monday when he got back. I didn't think he actually wouldn't call until Monday because we usually talk when one of us is away.

 

 

You kept trying to get him to communicate more frequently than he wanted to. Why couldn't you just let him have his weekend in peace? Fifteen years ago, neither of you would have had cell phones. Before that, you each would have had to call from home or find pay phones. My point is just because we are CAPABLE of "constant communication" these days, it doesn't mean it should be expected or that it's even healthy. It's freaking exhausting to always check in with someone!

[stillafool]

He is away with your boys so he is probably spending all of his time with them. I don't see a problem with it either. Let them enjoy themselves.

[MissBee]

The OP isn't asking for "constant communication" .

 

We live in a crazy world. You can be here today and hit by a bus tomorrow. When I go away on trips I check in with the people I care about, for safety reasons as well as because I am a well-mannered human being who knows that they may be concerned about me! She didn't ask him to call her 24/7.

 

OP, do you feel like something else is going on with him? Is this out of character for him? Pay attention to your gut. In all my relationships it is normal to check in esp if we're away. It's not anything either of us are ever forced to do, but we do it because we genuinely want to check in with the person, miss them, are thinking about them and more over, we don't want them to worry so we check in to make them know we're safe. This isn't too much to ask, but what normal, healthy, CONSIDERATE, relationships are made of.

[mint_tea]

The OP isn't asking for "constant communication" .

 

We live in a crazy world. You can be here today and hit by a bus tomorrow. When I go away on trips I check in with the people I care about, for safety reasons as well as because I am a well-mannered human being who knows that they may be concerned about me! She didn't ask him to call her 24/7.

 

OP, do you feel like something else is going on with him? Is this out of character for him? Pay attention to your gut. In all my relationships it is normal to check in esp if we're away. It's not anything either of us are ever forced to do, but we do it because we genuinely want to check in with the person, miss them, are thinking about them and more over, we don't want them to worry so we check in to make them know we're safe. This isn't too much to ask, but what normal, healthy, CONSIDERATE, relationships are made of.

 

He's never been good with communication. I'm the type that would like a phone call here and there for 5 minutes just to say "hi" and "I miss you." He doesn't need that and never has.

 

I have anxiety so I over think everything. But yes, it is kind of out of character. For him to not call at all, and for him to say he would talk to me in the morning and then not hear from him. I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do.

[MightyPen]

The OP isn't asking for "constant communication" .

 

We live in a crazy world. You can be here today and hit by a bus tomorrow. When I go away on trips I check in with the people I care about, for safety reasons as well as because I am a well-mannered human being who knows that they may be concerned about me! She didn't ask him to call her 24/7.

 

OP, do you feel like something else is going on with him? Is this out of character for him? Pay attention to your gut. In all my relationships it is normal to check in esp if we're away. It's not anything either of us are ever forced to do, but we do it because we genuinely want to check in with the person, miss them, are thinking about them and more over, we don't want them to worry so we check in to make them know we're safe. This isn't too much to ask, but what normal, healthy, CONSIDERATE, relationships are made of.

 

 

He was going on a football trip with his buddies. For the love of Pete, why can't he be left alone for a few days?? And it's not just me throwing my opinion out there. The OP's husband clearly envisioned that he'd have a "wife free" weekend when he said, "Talk to you on Monday."

 

Seriously, what did spouses (mostly women, but some guys I guess) do before 1999?? Fret over every waking hour spent apart? Some "radio silence" can be a very good thing sometimes. It lets you actually miss each other.

 

Plus...it was a football trip with his buddies!! (repeated for emphasis)

[katiegrl]

You say you suffer from anxiety. So would that not be your issue then?

 

Not trying to sound adversarial, I just think it's important to be open to all perspectives.

 

Mighty does have a point!

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

He couldn't be doing much with too little boys to keep entertained. I would let them have their fun and I would have mine. Don't you have friends to hang around with?

[mint_tea]

 

You say you suffer from anxiety. So would that not be your issue then?

 

Not trying to sound adversarial, I just think it's important to be open to all perspectives.

 

Mighty does have a point!

 

I disagree with mighty. It is not that difficult to pick up the phone for a minute.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[slater93]

Your husband isn't going to call and text you 24/7 while with his friends everyone needs a break from time to time, if you cant trust him you shouldnt be with him in the forst place

[Qboro90]

I disagree with mighty. It is not that difficult to pick up the phone for a minute.

 

It's NEVER just a minute on the phone so that's not a realistic reason for you to use. If you wanna talk with him and say "hey babe, I know you were having a guys weekend but next time you go away for a couple days it would be appreciated if you shot me a text or left me a message letting me know how things are going or just to check in and make sure i haven't been kidnapped and murdered."

 

But coming at him with "why couldn't you just call for 5 minutes?" Is going to get an eye roll. If you were cool enough to let him go away for the weekend then be cool enough to let go of the leash for the weekend as well.

 

Just because advice isn't what you want to hear, doesn't mean it's not helpful or accurate. If you just want someone to agree with you and call your husband inconsiderate and take your side then just say so and anyone thinking otherwise can move onto the next post.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katiegrl]

I disagree with mighty. It is not that difficult to pick up the phone for a minute.

 

 

 

 

My fiancé often takes weekend trips with his buddies... sometimes he texts , sometimes he doesn't.

 

 

I understand that this is their bonding time, I DON'T take it personally if he doesn't text or call me for a couple of days!

 

 

The irony is because I DON'T expect it....and just tell him to have a great time and see him when he gets back.... he often DOES contact me!

 

 

I would suggest you try to understand him better, understand he sometimes needs "guy" time... and to just do your own thing and enjoy YOUR lone time when he's gone.

 

 

Take it or leave it.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mint_tea]

I just got a call from my mom that my dad is in the hospital with a burst appendix, the bacteria of which is spread through his body so my ability to keep it together and be the "cool wife" is non-existent.

 

My husband called me when I texted him this and we got in a big fight. I know it's my fault but I can't handle anything right now.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I just got a call from my mom that my dad is in the hospital with a burst appendix, the bacteria of which is spread through his body so my ability to keep it together and be the "cool wife" is non-existent.

 

My husband called me when I texted him this and we got in a big fight. I know it's my fault but I can't handle anything right now.

 

Sorry to hear this. Things sound tense for you right now.

 

Regarding him not calling you when he's away, I actually would feel similarly a little upset. When I'm away from my partner or he's away I certainly don't want or expect constant communication, but he knows I appreciate a goodnight text or call before we go to bed if we're separate. I know that even when I'm out having a wild time with friends, he's the last thing I think of when my head hits the pillow because I'm so used to him being there!

 

It's about communication and respect at the end of the day. I'm guessing you've directly told him what your requirements are to be happy with communication when he's away? I don't actually think you're being too unreasonable, most people I know want to hear from their partners when they're away at least a call each day or a handful of texts to stay in touch.

 

My partner is in a band and is frequently (at least once per week) away in different cities playing gigs, having fun with his friends before and after, talking to loads of people and having a great time. I support it and encourage him to continue. I don't care if he doesn't text or call me once the entire daytime he's gone, when he's at the venue, when he's played, nothing. I don't need to be in constant contact, I wouldn't be sat on my phone ignoring my friends either if I were out. But I would be upset if he forgot that one thing I ask of him, which is to check in before either of us heads to sleep, because I've made it clear how much I enjoy it.

 

I can't force him but he does it because he knows it means something to me, and we both feel it's reasonable. Left just to him I think he'd probably rather just crash sometimes because he's so exhausted or has been drinking. But he does it, mostly, because he cares.

 

Next time hubby goes away try being more explicit. Explain to him you don't want or need constant contact, you don't expect that, you just would like x number of texts or a quick call at some point each day. Make sure he KNOWS you would rather he try contact you while you might be asleep than not bother at all, you know? Sure, he can ignore your requests, but if he's ignoring a reasonable request that he knows is important to you on every single occasion then I'd suggest that's indicative of a bigger problem between the two of you.

 

Maybe it's unpopular a view to like to keep in touch when away but it is what it is. I love my alone evenings having girl time just relaxing doing my thing when he's staying out and trust him completely never to do anything to jeopardise or disrespect us, but it would make me sad if he didn't contact me even once the whole day and night.

[Keenly]

I disagree with mighty. It is not that difficult to pick up the phone for a minute.

 

Your husband didn't call you because it's all about you, and he wanted some him time.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mint_tea]

Sorry to hear this. Things sound tense for you right now.

 

Regarding him not calling you when he's away, I actually would feel similarly a little upset. When I'm away from my partner or he's away I certainly don't want or expect constant communication, but he knows I appreciate a goodnight text or call before we go to bed if we're separate. I know that even when I'm out having a wild time with friends, he's the last thing I think of when my head hits the pillow because I'm so used to him being there!

 

It's about communication and respect at the end of the day. I'm guessing you've directly told him what your requirements are to be happy with communication when he's away? I don't actually think you're being too unreasonable, most people I know want to hear from their partners when they're away at least a call each day or a handful of texts to stay in touch.

 

My partner is in a band and is frequently (at least once per week) away in different cities playing gigs, having fun with his friends before and after, talking to loads of people and having a great time. I support it and encourage him to continue. I don't care if he doesn't text or call me once the entire daytime he's gone, when he's at the venue, when he's played, nothing. I don't need to be in constant contact, I wouldn't be sat on my phone ignoring my friends either if I were out. But I would be upset if he forgot that one thing I ask of him, which is to check in before either of us heads to sleep, because I've made it clear how much I enjoy it.

 

I can't force him but he does it because he knows it means something to me, and we both feel it's reasonable. Left just to him I think he'd probably rather just crash sometimes because he's so exhausted or has been drinking. But he does it, mostly, because he cares.

 

Next time hubby goes away try being more explicit. Explain to him you don't want or need constant contact, you don't expect that, you just would like x number of texts or a quick call at some point each day. Make sure he KNOWS you would rather he try contact you while you might be asleep than not bother at all, you know? Sure, he can ignore your requests, but if he's ignoring a reasonable request that he knows is important to you on every single occasion then I'd suggest that's indicative of a bigger problem between the two of you.

 

Maybe it's unpopular a view to like to keep in touch when away but it is what it is. I love my alone evenings having girl time just relaxing doing my thing when he's staying out and trust him completely never to do anything to jeopardise or disrespect us, but it would make me sad if he didn't contact me even once the whole day and night.

 

Thank you for being one of the few that understands. I DON'T need 24/7 contact, just a quick phone call at some point during the day. I don't think it's too much to ask. The fact that he can't even do the bare minimum is what's upsetting.

[Qboro90]

Thank you for being one of the few that understands. I DON'T need 24/7 contact, just a quick phone call at some point during the day. I don't think it's too much to ask. The fact that he can't even do the bare minimum is what's upsetting.

 

Just talk to him about it for future getaways or time apart. Not the end of the world. Doesn't mean he doesn't love or respect you. He was just being a guy and taking a vacation from the routine for a couple days.

[stillafool]

I just got a call from my mom that my dad is in the hospital with a burst appendix, the bacteria of which is spread through his body so my ability to keep it together and be the "cool wife" is non-existent.

 

My husband called me when I texted him this and we got in a big fight. I know it's my fault but I can't handle anything right now.

 

My goodness, get off LoveShack and go see about your Dad!

[Shining One]

OP, this sounds like an issue that should have been discovered and addressed in the dating phase of the relationship. It simply sounds like an incompatibility issue. My girlfriend prefers much more phone contact than I do, but it's not a deal-breaker for her. If she were like you and required daily conversations while I'm travelling or spending time away with friends, we would not be together.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anna121]

Sorry about your Dad.

 

I think the time to try to clarify things would have been when he said he would talk to you "on Monday".

 

In any event, on Saturday night, you said you tried to start a convo about your conference via text really late (2 am?) and he said he would prefer to hear about it in person. Then you called him because you felt he was shutting you down. That strikes me as unreasonable on your part.

[Keenly]

You are the one with the problem here, which might sound accusatory but look at it like this.

 

He is perfectly okay with his weekend without communicating. It doesn't affect him. All is well in husband land. . You are back at home freaking out because he can't or won't conform to your schedule. To bend and fit into how you would communicate. Therefore, you have the problem of not being able to handle a weekend without communication.

 

I think it's a little demanding to insist some one forfeit their own comfort level in regards to contact and adopt some one else's in order to make them feel better.

 

 

He was away for a weekend. You both Survived. I'm not exactly sure why you are so worked up over this.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
insult redacted ~6

[Keenly]

Sorry about your Dad.

 

I think the time to try to clarify things would have been when he said he would talk to you "on Monday".

 

In any event, on Saturday night, you said you tried to start a convo about your conference via text really late (2 am?) and he said he would prefer to hear about it in person. Then you called him because you felt he was shutting you down. That strikes me as unreasonable on your part.

 

Exactly. She is treating this more like a parent child relationship than a husband wife relationship. Too much of that will drive a man away.

[Miss Peach]

It's a little different in my case but I just ask for a text to let me know he got there safely if travelling. IMO a text like that shouldn't take more that 10 seconds to write. I don't ask for anything else because I don't want to interfere with my guy's time with friends, family, work, etc. We can catch up when he gets back.

[basil67]

I understand that you don't like some of the opinions being given. But as someone who also suffers from anxiety at times, I believe that it's important to be able to recognise when we are being unreasonable and keep our irrationality to ourselves.

 

Let him have fun with the boys. He'll be back before you know it and life will return to normal.

[Robert]

Folks, you will notice I did some editing to posts in here. Posters are reminded that everyone's perspective is to be respected, male or female. Please continue to post to the topic, within our established community guidelines.

 

Thank you,

~6