acrosstheuniverse Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You are the one with the problem here, which might sound accusatory but look at it like this. He is perfectly okay with his weekend without communicating. It doesn't affect him. All is well in husband land. . You are back at home freaking out because he can't or won't conform to your schedule. To bend and fit into how you would communicate. Therefore, you have the problem of not being able to handle a weekend without communication. I think it's a little demanding to insist some one forfeit their own comfort level in regards to contact and adopt some one else's in order to make them feel better. He was away for a weekend. You both Survived. I'm not exactly sure why you are so worked up over this. But surely this goes both ways? What you said about it being demanding to insist someone forfeit their own contact level to adopt someone else's to make them feel better could equally apply to the husband, I know the major difference is that she's the one upset and he's fine, but in being out of the loop he's expecting her to adapt to his own comfort level. I can't see how a little more contact from him, perhaps at pre agreed times or whatever, is going to significantly harm his fun or make his weekend away less enjoyable, whereas doing so would make a big difference to his wife's sense of wellbeing. I see a lot of people saying that she shouldn't expect him to be in constant contact, exaggerating, when she's not actually requesting that at all. Plenty of wives and husbands wouldn't even want their spouse to go away with friends in the first place, I'm not saying that controlling behaviour like that should be the benchmark that we judge other behaviours on at all, but I hardly think she's being out of line wanting some more contact as long as it's not like some people who expect a text every hour, go nuts if they're not replied to in five minutes and whatever. She's acted a little hysterical and blown it out of proportion I believe, but the core issue seems valid and understandable. I vote that the OP is explicit with her husband next time he goes away about what it takes for her to feel happy while he's gone. He isn't a mind reader and some people are happy to go away and not talk at all the whole time and it may never cross their minds that their partner isn't happy with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CT98 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I guess everyone's different, but when I've had weekends away with my friends I've always had daily communication with girlfriends. Not texting all day every day, but a chat in the evening on each day. When in a relationship I would find it weird not to have some sort of daily communication. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I can't see how a little more contact from him, perhaps at pre agreed times or whatever, is going to significantly harm his fun or make his weekend away less enjoyable Well it might. Instead of being able to enjoy the moment he now has to plan everything around these calls. And we all know there Is rarely a quick call or a single text. I really don't understand how people can't seem to get that when someone is away on a trip they want to be there. In body and mind. He has his whole life with his wife. Lives with her every day. Probably talks for many hours every day. Why can't he have 2 days break so that he can get time to actually miss her??? People are so connected now and so desperate for constant communication that they have forgotten what it's like to miss someone properly. It's a nice feeling. Very different from the anxious ones generated nowadays when unrealistic communication frequencies are unmet. And he did send a couple if texts in any case. I remember a time where if someone went away all you heard from them was a postcard. And that would usually arrive about the time they got back. The world somehow keep revolving. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Seems the exaggeration goes both ways. He did text her on both days. Right? Just not the kinds of text she wanted "not to see how I was". I think that is what some people are reacting to. That she wants to have a certain kind of communication with him while he is away. And his own attempts to communicate are criticized. It's not just about the communication per se. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 He left early in the morning Saturday, and said he would call me Monday when he got back. Saturday night at 2 am he texted Sunday he texted me My goodness. You're acting as if he went for weeks with no news! He DID text you, multiple times, on each day of his WEEKEND away! I think you are being way too demanding here. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Sorry but I know if I was away and barely communicated with my husband he would not be terribly thrilled. You want the person to have fun but you want to have some touching base time. Our set up, if one is away traveling for work or pleasure, we touch base at least once a day and there will be some texting in there as well. It shows that the person misses you, wants to connect, etc. The frequency will be determined by events and individuals but it should be a compromise and we should WANT to make our spouse happy. And I don't know about the people here who had loved ones fall off the face of the earth prior to cell phones but even then my boyfriend/first husband and I still communicated via email or pay phones/phones. Since my maturation in the 90's I have never had a SO have an issue with a decent level of communication. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Well it might. Instead of being able to enjoy the moment he now has to plan everything around these calls. And we all know there Is rarely a quick call or a single text. I really don't understand how people can't seem to get that when someone is away on a trip they want to be there. In body and mind. He has his whole life with his wife. Lives with her every day. Probably talks for many hours every day. Why can't he have 2 days break so that he can get time to actually miss her??? People are so connected now and so desperate for constant communication that they have forgotten what it's like to miss someone properly. It's a nice feeling. Very different from the anxious ones generated nowadays when unrealistic communication frequencies are unmet. And he did send a couple if texts in any case. I remember a time where if someone went away all you heard from them was a postcard. And that would usually arrive about the time they got back. The world somehow keep revolving. I think there's a middle ground between radio silence and having to call her for half an hour every hour. I doubt she's wanting him to plan his whole trip about speaking to her, I'm amazed at how polarising this topic is to the board. Whether or not you personally enjoy day or two long breaks from speaking to your spouse or partner, the fact remains that this poster doesn't appreciate it, she wants to check in a little more often. I don't think she's asking for too much, but I guess everyone has a different perspective, as this thread has shown! Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) I think there's a middle ground between radio silence and having to call her for half an hour every hour. I doubt she's wanting him to plan his whole trip about speaking to her, I'm amazed at how polarising this topic is to the board. Whether or not you personally enjoy day or two long breaks from speaking to your spouse or partner, the fact remains that this poster doesn't appreciate it, she wants to check in a little more often. I don't think she's asking for too much, but I guess everyone has a different perspective, as this thread has shown! There is indeed a middle ground. A check in text daily. Which is what he did. Reread her first post. Hi I got here. Everything's ok. That should do it if she is worried. Plenty of time to discuss the trip, what happened while he was away, etc when he gets back. This inability to give partners space is, I feel, a huge problem in relationships today. Edited November 10, 2015 by joseb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I'd be happy to hear from him when he returned. It's a boys weekend and you need to let him have some space. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 This inability to give partners space is, I feel, a huge problem in relationships today. This. I honestly don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddieandtae Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Mint I believe I understand what you are saying about the communication. A few minutes call at one point of the day shouldn't be a hardship on your husband or yourself to do. A lot of people in relationships check in with each other when one of the couple is away. I don't see a big deal about you even wanting this! He's your husband, he should know this about you already and maybe going forward you two can calmly put it out there what each of your expectations are and than find an middle ground. I hope your Dad is ok:) Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 As long as he touches base with me before he lays down to sleep so I know he is not dead in the ditch I am fine. Personally, I wouldn't expect a call before a flight. Traveling is just so hectic, that I would be grateful to get a text when he is settled in his seat. My husband and I stay in contact, but the frequency depends on the kind of trip he is on and who he is going with. When he travels with his boss I hear from him more often, and he will usually spend most of his time in his hotel room, so we will Skype. If he is traveling with peers they tend to go out for dinner and drinks more, and I usually only get a "going to *restaurant*" or "going to bed". If he is out with his close guy friends I really don't expect to hear from him at all, other than "good night". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Saturday night at 2 am he texted to ask if I was still out...I called him right then because it felt like he was shutting me down...Sunday he texted me just once to ask how our cats were...Sunday night at 1am I still hadn't heard from him so I texted him that I was going to bed whether he planned on checking in or not. Four different interactions in the two days, still not enough for the OP. This isn't about her husband's failure to communicate... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I don't think she's asking for too much, but I guess everyone has a different perspective, as this thread has shown! I think the issue is that the OP isnt "asking" for anything. She is expecting without clearly communicating these expecatations, and then feeling disappointed when her husband's attempts at (daily) communication don't live up to her standards. The variety of reaponses in this thread indicate everyone has a different expectatuon for frequenxy and quality of communication. Personally, i dont think going a weekend without talking would be problematic for me (not that thats even the analogy here since he did text her each day). I think the issue is that he is not meeting HER (unspoken) expectations. She wants him to read her mind and do what she wants, which is very passive aggressive. OP, did you even tell her husband about what happened with your dad? How is he supposed to know what is going on if you are loking to him to ask about it? It aounds like you need some support right now... pick up the phone and ask for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Well you should have nipped this in the bud as soon as he said "bye I'll talk to you Monday". If it was me, I'd have said "wait, hold on, I'd rather check in each day". You should have communicated better... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 My h was out of town for 4 days this past weekend. I fully expect to have some texting during the day along with a nightly phone call. I am clear in my expectations, and if I didn't hear from him... or it was 4 texts in three days, I would be furious. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I guess everyone is different. If I'm on a girl's weekend...I wouldn't be texting my H, except to confirm my safe arrival. I know in some cases where past infidelity has been an issue.....daily communication is expected. I expect my H to let me know he's arrived safely and after that I'll leave him to it. We may send the odd 'I love you' text. ...but it's not set in stone. Maybe it's best to specify how much communication you require......but I hope it doesn't make him get pi***d off with you. That's where the old 'ball and chain' reference comes from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 (edited) mint, curious to know how long you've been married, and if you ever encountered this issue BEFORE marriage... Or do you have different expectations now that you're married? My fiancé was married before....he and his ex even lived together prior. They both allowed each other A LOT of freedom (weekends away with friends, night out with friends, etc.) before marriage. NO PROBLEM. After marriage, suddenly she became needy, clingy and possessive suddenly expecting and demanding he spend all or most of his free time with her, weekends away with friends were limited, and whenever he did, she expected him to call her daily... It seemed everything changed once they were married.... they were divorced within three years. So just wondering if that's what's happening here.... as it appears you and he have different "space" needs, and why this wasn't discovered prior to marriage seems quite odd IMO. In any event, you connected with him four times while he was away (for two days), not sure why that wasn't enough for you, but I would suggest you become less needy and simply enjoy your lone time... allowing him to miss you (and vice versa) which can only enhance your marriage and keep it from becoming dull, mundane and boring. Edited November 12, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Before mobile phones we telephoned from the hotel just to say "Goodnight, sweet dreams. I love you". I never felt obligated to do it (I travelled a lot more) it was just nice. I hate people using mobile phones when we're sat around a table talking, socializing. I find it very rude! It's nice to take a moment to send a little text now that mobiles are so common....when you're on your own! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 There was a similar thread recently where the husband ignored his wife's calls and she went into a panic thinking something had happened to him. Frequent calls to each other were their norm, and in that case I can relate to the Wife because she was at her wit's end that something had happened to him, and it was out of their usual practice. In this case the husband was on a retreat with friends, and had already touched base a few times, so I have a harder time sympathizing with the OP. My thing is, I don't need to know what my husband is doing at any given time, nor would I expect communication from him when he is out having a good time with the boys. I just need to know he is SAFE, so a quick touching base at the end of the day is appreciated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
genwalt Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Well, my husband and I we always make sure when one of us is away, we will text or call to say "hi" or "how are you". This will both give us assurance that we care for each other, even if I say that I'm out this weekend and be back Monday and call you. But if you really care for me then I'll drop a call in just a minute. That's it.. It's a basic instinct as husband and wife though. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I guess everyone is different. If I'm on a girl's weekend...I wouldn't be texting my H, except to confirm my safe arrival. I know in some cases where past infidelity has been an issue.....daily communication is expected. I expect my H to let me know he's arrived safely and after that I'll leave him to it. We may send the odd 'I love you' text. ...but it's not set in stone. Maybe it's best to specify how much communication you require......but I hope it doesn't make him get pi***d off with you. That's where the old 'ball and chain' reference comes from. Welllllll, for us it has nothing to do with past infidelity, he never cheated on me... but for us it is just the norm. Of course we are raising a gaggle of children together so part of it would be a safety issue, the other would be that we are older and any vacation would be us, not a boys weekend. If he plans to go out with his best friend, that would be me. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Welllllll, for us it has nothing to do with past infidelity, he never cheated on me... but for us it is just the norm. Of course we are raising a gaggle of children together so part of it would be a safety issue, the other would be that we are older and any vacation would be us, not a boys weekend. If he plans to go out with his best friend, that would be me. We are similar. It isn't about a trust factor. It is about staying in touch to what is happening on the home front with kids and household, a desire to share what is going on, etc. My husband has a trip/get together every year with some childhood friends. It is common practice for all of them to talk to their spouses. But it is also not about drinking it up, etc. They still have their guys time but it doesn't mean they need to compartmentalize or cut off their home front either. But most of these men travel a lot for work as well so touching base is common practice due to their time away. It really is a subjective topic and obviously a wide spectrum of what each individual and partnership wants and desires. It is just one more topic to add to the list to discuss between the couple on their desires, expectations, and compromises. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I just had another read of the OP.... I would be ticked off if my H asked about the cats and not me..so I get you on that point. You guys have discussed communication in the past.....but when he said he'd call on Monday..you should have said ........ actually I'd like to hear from you before you get back. That he should let you know he'd arrived safely. Men (most) need it spelt out at times. I've learned over the years that expecting them to pick up on signals or use initiative where would doesn't work. It's an individual thing. I've had my H go to Miami for a week and he called when he arrived ...then a couple of texts...about how great the food is and some photos.....but I could see he was okay from his FB posts about the trip, even without him contacting me. That's fine with me and if there was any situation that needed his attention I'd tell him. It's about what you need....about finding a balance too. These weekends are also an escape....... try not to be too sensitive about it Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Mint tea, it's not about what other people think is right. It's about how you and your husband feel, and what you both need from each other in your relationship. I travel a lot. My boyfriend and I are both incredibly busy, but generally he will text me a few times during the day, and I'll let him know the general structure of my day/evening and when I expect to be back in my hotel room at the end of the night. He calls and we speak every evening before going to sleep--not just on work trips, but even when I've flown to another city for a girls' weekend with my close friends. (We're scattered around the world.) Very early on (at one month) in our relationship, I didn't pick up or respond for a day. I was on a work trip. He got pretty upset and hurt. He didn't make any demands or requests. He simply stated that my (lack of) response) felt as if I wasn't as invested in our relationship. I apologized and ever since I've made sure it doesn't happen again. I understand where he was coming from. He cares...like you care. To him, it felt as if I didn't care. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend a short time each night reconnecting with someone you care about and love. I really enjoy that we carve out some time when we're apart for our nightly ritual. For me it's a treat, not a "ball and chain" obligation. I get to tell him all about my day and hear about his. It reaffirms how important we are to each other. Have a chat with your husband the night he gets back and find a workable compromise. Please don't feel apologetic about your needs or concerns. They are just as valid as his. Link to post Share on other sites
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