Separated MOW strikes again!

[qubist]

We both blocked her together he wanted me to see that he was doing it. He also is willing to give me a screenshot of the pic and send to her friends and family, but I will not do that.

 

He had a new Instagram account and she probably found him through his clients. He has a lot of high profile clients so it was probably easy for her to find him and she used to work for him.

 

 

I know there is nothing I can do so I have to keep moving forward with my life and happiness, whether that will include WH or not is still to be known. I am happy he told me about it. It's a start and I was crying last night out of fear and triggers and he was there to comfort me rather than run or conflict avoid like he usually does.

 

it seems to me that he is doing the right thing. you were triggered and you will be triggered again, I'm sorry that's the way it is when you choose to reconcile.

move on. I would still consider sending that picture with her comment to her family and friend, not out of hate or revenge but just to defend your marriage. sometimes you have to go on attack to defend.

[Lion Heart]

 

1. I know there is nothing I can do

 

2. so I have to keep moving forward with my life

 

3.and happiness,

 

4. whether that will include WH or not is still to be known.

 

5. I am happy he told me about it.

 

6 It's a start

 

7. I was crying last night out of fear

 

8. and triggers

 

9. and he was there to comfort me

 

10. rather than run or conflict avoid like he usually does.

 

Darling girl, I LOVE a good dissection! There was so much said in those few sentences. Allow me! Lol.

 

1. Ah NO there is PLENTY you can do to be a TOTAL b**** now BUT you're not! But gosh it's great to enjoy what you COULD do! LS Members have ALL the answers to that! Revel in the fact that you COULD but you AREN'T. Self control. You've got it.

 

2. Yes ABSOLUTELY you do. It's your life to live. Go to town!

 

3. X a billion! (Btw just love the Art of Manliness site that Understand50 put up. It's certainly made ME happy! Have a look. ) Number 1 YOU. Look after her.

 

4. Sure. Jury's out. Ducks...in...a...row. Just BEING prepared means YOU are taking your POWER BACK.

 

5. Good! Yes.

 

6. WH started when he DECIDED to do a full NC. Going NC AND being honest in R both takes courage he hasn't shown before. IMO it's more than a start.

 

7. Fear of what? OW hahaha. Nup. Must be fears of other types. OWs are a dime a dozen. She's just another one. And another one just bit the dust. Sad options THEY choose. Noble options are what you've chosen. Your M and family, even though WH was choosing otherwise for a while. Meh. You didn't. You haven't. Take comfort in your strength. Xxxx

What else are you "afraid" of. Get the list going and deal. In IC if you choose.

 

8. Triggers are a b****. Sweety we've got them but they actually DON'T have as much power as we think. It's what we DO next.

 

9. Great. If that felt good then go with it. If not then....

 

10. Progress on WH part. I think he's showing that he's finally getting "IT". I still wish there was a pill we could give them to FEEL THE SAME PAIN as a betrayed wife feels and I'm not just talking about the WH!

 

It's YOUR LIFE LD, go live it.

 

X

Lion Heart.

[underpants]

I am at a point where I am ready to divorce.

 

I doubt it, but that is my opinion.

 

I've read this in your story, however you also stay "stuck". Do you work?

 

Everyday is a choice, and you choose to stay.

 

Thus, your choice.

 

Hey, if it works for you whatever, as they say 'own it'.

[underpants]

I find it odd that a betrayed wants to gift forgiveness/recon, while not promising security. I think its offered too soon, affording nobody any lessons.

 

I understand it is a reflex to trauma and hurt, and in my opinion should never be offered, but still.

 

The new relationship becomes a weird terrain where everything could be lost with one misstep. Living under constant threat. Whats to lose?

 

Nobody wants to live like that.

[ladydesigner]

I doubt it, but that is my opinion.

 

I've read this in your story, however you also stay "stuck". Do you work?

 

Everyday is a choice, and you choose to stay.

 

Thus, your choice.

 

Hey, if it works for you whatever, as they say 'own it'.

 

That's fine it is your opinion. It has taken me this long to not fear D. I have been fearful up until recently. Not sure what has changed, but somehow I am not so hung up on marriage, relationships, love, whatever it is.

 

My choice is to stay right now. My WH provides financial security and is a great father to our kids. We also get along at the moment.

 

I don't really feel like taking another chance with love, there are no guarantees and I'd like to not have to introduce a new man to my kids anytime soon (I don't trust too many people because of my past sexual abuse).

 

I do work I have a flourishing career and I could probably support myself and my 2 kids but I don't really want to give up the lifestyle yet that I get from having 2 incomes.

 

I guess I am "owning" my choice as you say.

[ladydesigner]

I find it odd that a betrayed wants to gift forgiveness/recon, while not promising security. I think its offered too soon, affording nobody any lessons.

 

I understand it is a reflex to trauma and hurt, and in my opinion should never be offered, but still.

 

The new relationship becomes a weird terrain where everything could be lost with one misstep. Living under constant threat. Whats to lose?

 

Nobody wants to live like that.

 

Would you promise security after many Ddays and False R?

 

No I am not living my "Ideal" life, but I am happy with myself and my accomplishments. I am happy I have a great support system of family and friends. My only complaint is that I have decided to stay with a cheater.

[Mrs. John Adams]

you have to do what is best for you LD....and none of us is walking in your shoes.

[underpants]

My choice is to stay right now. My WH provides financial security and is a great father to our kids. We also get along at the moment.

 

I don't really want to give up the lifestyle yet that I get from having 2 incomes.

 

I guess I am "owning" my choice as you say.

 

Okay, so you stay for the lifestyle. That is your choice.

 

Would you promise security after many Ddays and False R?

 

My only complaint is that I have decided to stay with a cheater.

 

No, I wouldn't, I have and would leave. I like live on my own terms. I've only got one.

 

Your decision to stay is on you at this point. Hmm, good luck is all I can say.

 

Do you have children?

[ladydesigner]

Okay, so you stay for the lifestyle. That is your choice.

 

 

 

No, I wouldn't, I have and would leave. I like live on my own terms. I've only got one.

 

Your decision to stay is on you at this point. Hmm, good luck is all I can say.

 

Do you have children?

 

You can say that again I don't know what it is I need anymore!

 

I have 2 kids 12 & 9

[underpants]

I have 2 kids 12 & 9

 

They are watching and learning. That saddens me.

[sweet_pea]

Sending you hugs <3

[S2B]

Would you promise security after many Ddays and False R?

 

No I am not living my "Ideal" life, but I am happy with myself and my accomplishments. I am happy I have a great support system of family and friends. My only complaint is that I have decided to stay with a cheater.

 

What he's given to the marriage is many days of discovery followed by false recovery?

 

 

Why haven't you required more than that crap from him in order to stay married?

 

 

Support from family and friends? Why not from the most important person - your husband?

 

And yes, kids model THEIR future relationships based on what they are shown at home. If you keep staying - they likely will choose a lukewarm committed relationship where they sacrifice their goals of loving behavior for security.

 

 

It's what you're teaching them. It's their normal to live with a parent that cheats and a Mom who keeps forgiving even though he doesn't respect or honor her. That's what they will choose. Is that enough for your kids future choices?

 

Sometimes staying married isn't a positive example to show kids. Especially when one parent gets rewarded for bad behavior. Especially when they see Dad continue to hurt Momsfeelings. Especially when a parent doesn't show kids when enough is enough by having a healthy boundary.

[TunaCat]

I have 2 kids 12 & 9

 

So your kids are learning that Mommy's okay with getting disrespected & cheated on.

 

If you have a son, he's learning that Daddy can cheat on Mommy and she'll just lie back & take it without demanding better for herself. In turn, he will end up in relationships where he will disrespect women.

 

If you have a daughter, she's learning that cheating is okay and Mommy will stay with someone who doesn't respect her. In turn, she will end up in relationships with guys who don't respect her.

 

Please, for the kids sake, realize what they're experiencing. Even if they don't know exactly what's going on, kids know more than people give them credit for.

[Ladyjane14]

Other things kids can learn.........

 

*If you can only love perfect people, you'll never find anyone worthy of your love.

*That even really bad problems can be solvable.

*Forgiveness.

*Taking the high road.

*Recognizing that changes in your own behavior/outlook can change the dynamics of your relationship.

*That it takes strength/commitment to keep a family intact.

*That the nature of life is fluid; troubles come and go but we don't let them define us.

 

Yeah.. you're modeling a marriage for your kids. That doesn't mean that you're teaching them to tolerate infidelity though. You haven't "tolerated" it. You've faced it, addressed it, made demands for better commitment, and achieved those goals.

 

Bottom line is really the first bullet point. There aren't any perfect people. About half of all marriages will end up in divorce and about half of all married men will cheat at some point in their marriage, (and as we know, the number of women cheating is growing). It's unfortunate, but both your kids and mine will likely as not encounter infidelity in their own marriage one day. The option to divorce or reconcile will be theirs to make, just like it's yours to make today. They'll see lots of examples of people choosing from each of these two options as time goes by. What they'll see in you is HOW you live with the option you've selected.

 

There's a difference between occasionally feeling like a doormat because you chose to keep a cheater and being a doormat. Being a doormat means you kept him at all costs. You didn't. You demanded fidelity, and from what you've posted, he's meeting that demand.

 

We only get the two choices... stay or go. And the choice to 'go' requires that you take your bags with you; the bitterness, the anger, the feelings of victimization and distrust. The choice to stay and work through it, is an opportunity to unpack those bags. We don't have any guaranteed outcome, but who wants to carry that kind of emotional baggage around?

[goodyblue]

the thought of printing that out and pasting it all over town would occur to me.

 

Only if all the dick pics with her FAP and his name are also pasted right next to it.

 

I agree it was foolish for her to send and honestly, if the affair is over she should go away.

 

LD... stay as silent as you can. She will give up I hope. She gives OW a bad name (like we don't do that ourselves).

Edited November 12, 2015 by goodyblue

[goodyblue]

What he's given to the marriage is many days of discovery followed by false recovery?

 

 

Why haven't you required more than that crap from him in order to stay married?

 

 

Support from family and friends? Why not from the most important person - your husband?

 

And yes, kids model THEIR future relationships based on what they are shown at home. If you keep staying - they likely will choose a lukewarm committed relationship where they sacrifice their goals of loving behavior for security.

 

 

It's what you're teaching them. It's their normal to live with a parent that cheats and a Mom who keeps forgiving even though he doesn't respect or honor her. That's what they will choose. Is that enough for your kids future choices?

 

Sometimes staying married isn't a positive example to show kids. Especially when one parent gets rewarded for bad behavior. Especially when they see Dad continue to hurt Momsfeelings. Especially when a parent doesn't show kids when enough is enough by having a healthy boundary.

 

I think LD can make the decision to stay if it is what she wants. Cut her some slack for God's sake. She does not have to live her life the way that YOU deem appropriate.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Only if all the dick pics with her FAP and his name are also pasted right next to it.

 

I agree it was foolish for her to send and honestly, if the affair is over she should go away.

 

LD... stay as silent as you can. She will give up I hope. She gives OW a bad name (like we don't do that ourselves).

 

I agree...i understand revenge...but what is fair for one is fair for the other. Would it be ok for the other woman's husband to post pictures of LD's husband?

 

What possible good can come from posting photos...especially if LD is attempting to reconcile?

 

The goal of reconciliation is healing not pouring salt in wounds.

 

LD...hang in there...you know what is best for you and your kids. IF divorce is the answer then so be it.....

[Mrs. John Adams]

Other things kids can learn.........

 

*If you can only love perfect people, you'll never find anyone worthy of your love.

*That even really bad problems can be solvable.

*Forgiveness.

*Taking the high road.

*Recognizing that changes in your own behavior/outlook can change the dynamics of your relationship.

*That it takes strength/commitment to keep a family intact.

*That the nature of life is fluid; troubles come and go but we don't let them define us.

 

Yeah.. you're modeling a marriage for your kids. That doesn't mean that you're teaching them to tolerate infidelity though. You haven't "tolerated" it. You've faced it, addressed it, made demands for better commitment, and achieved those goals.

 

Bottom line is really the first bullet point. There aren't any perfect people. About half of all marriages will end up in divorce and about half of all married men will cheat at some point in their marriage, (and as we know, the number of women cheating is growing). It's unfortunate, but both your kids and mine will likely as not encounter infidelity in their own marriage one day. The option to divorce or reconcile will be theirs to make, just like it's yours to make today. They'll see lots of examples of people choosing from each of these two options as time goes by. What they'll see in you is HOW you live with the option you've selected.

 

There's a difference between occasionally feeling like a doormat because you chose to keep a cheater and being a doormat. Being a doormat means you kept him at all costs. You didn't. You demanded fidelity, and from what you've posted, he's meeting that demand.

 

We only get the two choices... stay or go. And the choice to 'go' requires that you take your bags with you; the bitterness, the anger, the feelings of victimization and distrust. The choice to stay and work through it, is an opportunity to unpack those bags. We don't have any guaranteed outcome, but who wants to carry that kind of emotional baggage around?

 

This is an amazing insightful post. Thank you for this ladyjane! WOW!

[understand50]

ladydesigner,

 

In many ways this shows some good things. Your husband, told you about it and did not respond. So he did the right thing. Small steps, going forward. I think your general idea and attitude is good. I would hope I would have the same if this had happened to me at this point of my life. Hopefully your ExWH can keep improving so that you both get to a place where your relationship is better, and has worth past keeping your life style. I hope you praised him for doing the right thing here. We always point out when things go bad, but I would say "reinforce" good behavor.

 

As for the MOW, I just feel sadness, as she is still cheating in her marriage, and her husband is tied to her. I do not know if she will ever wake up to the pain and hurt she is cause herself, husband and other people. She is broken and is more to pitied then anything else. I do think you or your husband may need to go to court at sometime to ask for a restringing order. Other then that, I would just keep NC.

 

Here hoping for better day and things for you and yours.

[ladydesigner]

Other things kids can learn.........

 

*If you can only love perfect people, you'll never find anyone worthy of your love.

*That even really bad problems can be solvable.

*Forgiveness.

*Taking the high road.

*Recognizing that changes in your own behavior/outlook can change the dynamics of your relationship.

*That it takes strength/commitment to keep a family intact.

*That the nature of life is fluid; troubles come and go but we don't let them define us.

 

Yeah.. you're modeling a marriage for your kids. That doesn't mean that you're teaching them to tolerate infidelity though. You haven't "tolerated" it. You've faced it, addressed it, made demands for better commitment, and achieved those goals.

 

Bottom line is really the first bullet point. There aren't any perfect people. About half of all marriages will end up in divorce and about half of all married men will cheat at some point in their marriage, (and as we know, the number of women cheating is growing). It's unfortunate, but both your kids and mine will likely as not encounter infidelity in their own marriage one day. The option to divorce or reconcile will be theirs to make, just like it's yours to make today. They'll see lots of examples of people choosing from each of these two options as time goes by. What they'll see in you is HOW you live with the option you've selected.

 

There's a difference between occasionally feeling like a doormat because you chose to keep a cheater and being a doormat. Being a doormat means you kept him at all costs. You didn't. You demanded fidelity, and from what you've posted, he's meeting that demand.

 

We only get the two choices... stay or go. And the choice to 'go' requires that you take your bags with you; the bitterness, the anger, the feelings of victimization and distrust. The choice to stay and work through it, is an opportunity to unpack those bags. We don't have any guaranteed outcome, but who wants to carry that kind of emotional baggage around?

 

Thank you Ladyjane you have brought up very good examples and I have not been a doormat, maybe after Dday1, but I haven't ever since. My WH has suffered a lot of consequences and is still dealing with the aftermath of his choices and how they affect him (without me reminding him).

 

Yes my kids have seen a lot of our struggles, but both I and my WH have sat down to talk to them. They have seen the good the bad and the ugly, but they also see the repair.

 

My kids have voiced very strongly that they do not wish for us to D. We are trying our best.

 

I did give my WH praise for telling me of the broken NC. I was proud of him, it took a lot to get past his old coping skills to do that.

 

I do not plan on sending the MOW anything. I don't wish to stir things up for her or for me or my WH. We are staying silent.

[ladydesigner]

They are watching and learning. That saddens me.

 

I know they are and life is not perfect. I hope they see the work I have put into myself and what my WH is putting in.

[ladydesigner]

What he's given to the marriage is many days of discovery followed by false recovery?

 

He has made it a priority to go out on date nights (his decision not mine).

 

We can talk about the A without him getting upset.

 

He has dedicated more of his time to our M and away from his business (his business has suffered a little from this, but he says family is more important).

 

Why haven't you required more than that crap from him in order to stay married?

 

I have required a lot of him to stay M'd including all passwords, being transparent, going to IC, going to MC, telling friends and family, being accountable, etc.

 

Support from family and friends? Why not from the most important person - your husband?

 

Well I do receive support from my WH I just haven't quite made that shift completely over to the WH. My friends and family were there for me when my WH abandoned me.

 

And yes, kids model THEIR future relationships based on what they are shown at home. If you keep staying - they likely will choose a lukewarm committed relationship where they sacrifice their goals of loving behavior for security.

 

 

It's what you're teaching them. It's their normal to live with a parent that cheats and a Mom who keeps forgiving even though he doesn't respect or honor her. That's what they will choose. Is that enough for your kids future choices?

 

I understand fully what you are saying. Either way I am making a sacrifice for my kids. Whether I stay or go at this point. While I can't say what their choices will be, I understand that my decision to stay may have influence over that.

 

 

Sometimes staying married isn't a positive example to show kids. Especially when one parent gets rewarded for bad behavior. Especially when they see Dad continue to hurt Momsfeelings. Especially when a parent doesn't show kids when enough is enough by having a healthy boundary.

 

I know I saw it modeled for me. What you say is exactly what has happened with me. My parents stayed together after 3 of my moms A's. They struggled but they have also worked things out. I'm not sure if that's why I stay or not I will explore this in therapy as it does cause me upset to think about this.

 

 

 

Answers in bold

[underpants]

Other things kids can learn.........

 

*If you can only love perfect people, you'll never find anyone worthy of your love.

*That even really bad problems can be solvable.

*Forgiveness.

*Taking the high road.

*Recognizing that changes in your own behavior/outlook can change the dynamics of your relationship.

*That it takes strength/commitment to keep a family intact.

*That the nature of life is fluid; troubles come and go but we don't let them define us.

 

Yeah.. you're modeling a marriage for your kids. That doesn't mean that you're teaching them to tolerate infidelity though. You haven't "tolerated" it. You've faced it, addressed it, made demands for better commitment, and achieved those goals.

 

Bottom line is really the first bullet point. There aren't any perfect people. About half of all marriages will end up in divorce and about half of all married men will cheat at some point in their marriage, (and as we know, the number of women cheating is growing). It's unfortunate, but both your kids and mine will likely as not encounter infidelity in their own marriage one day. The option to divorce or reconcile will be theirs to make, just like it's yours to make today. They'll see lots of examples of people choosing from each of these two options as time goes by. What they'll see in you is HOW you live with the option you've selected.

 

There's a difference between occasionally feeling like a doormat because you chose to keep a cheater and being a doormat. Being a doormat means you kept him at all costs. You didn't. You demanded fidelity, and from what you've posted, he's meeting that demand.

 

We only get the two choices... stay or go. And the choice to 'go' requires that you take your bags with you; the bitterness, the anger, the feelings of victimization and distrust. The choice to stay and work through it, is an opportunity to unpack those bags. We don't have any guaranteed outcome, but who wants to carry that kind of emotional baggage around?

 

I'm weird in the 'not perfect' does not include cheating, but that's just me.

 

Okay so how many times will you accept your spouse cheating on you. 1, 2, 3, a kid, public exposure, or acceptance of... okay we have a one sided open relationship....the spouse is truly remorseful all the time, they can't help it, the ever shifting sand of keeping up appearances/spackle it is a learned response, and they get away with it. You forgave, then forgave some more, you cheated, then was forgiven, so you return, then you have to forgive again. Gosh. It is cultist.

 

Not even to mention people's so called 'revenge affairs'. Just hurting other innocent people. Nuts.

 

It is just sad, but hey if it works for you good luck.

[ladydesigner]

I'm weird in the 'not perfect' does not include cheating, but that's just me.

 

Okay so how many times will you accept your spouse cheating on you. 1, 2, 3, a kid, public exposure, or acceptance of... okay we have a one sided open relationship....the spouse is truly remorseful all the time, they can't help it, the ever shifting sand of keeping up appearances/spackle it is a learned response, and they get away with it. You forgave, then forgave some more, you cheated, then was forgiven, so you return, then you have to forgive again. Gosh. It is cultist.

 

Not even to mention people's so called 'revenge affairs'. Just hurting other innocent people. Nuts.

 

It is just sad, but hey if it works for you good luck.

 

Wait I'm confused are you saying cheaters aren't in the category of "not perfect"

 

Honestly I put everyone in the "not perfect" category.

 

If you are referring to my revenge affair, yes I hurt innocent people. I hurt my WH, I hurt the xOM, and his gf. I am aware of this and am very sorry and remorseful for it. I try to offer my side here when I can from that perspective. I have been in therapy for both my A and being a BS more than once. My coping skills were obviously very poor both in my reactions to my WH's first A (I had my RA) and my reaction the 2nd time to his next A (tried to attempt suicide). I have been working on my coping skills ever since.

[Mrs. John Adams]

LD...i would venture to say most of us here are working on ourselves hon. No one is perfect....we all fail sometimes...

The important thing is we learn from the mistakes and bad decisions we make...and we do better.

 

It is when we don't learn from it and repeat the bad behavior.

 

you keep hangin in there....and working on it.....