Separated MOW strikes again!

[confusedmandi]

I almost didn't post this because I don't want to trigger you or stir up bad feelings. My exH cheated on me too and pulled many stunts to get me to believe he and OW (there were several) were not in contact. When I first read your post without even reading the comments my gut instinct was that your H and OW have not been in NC for 1 year +. I think maybe they were still seeing eachother and he very recently ended things with her. That they were just underground and maybe now he finally ended things and that is why she sent the lingerie shot to try to entice him back. I mean unless she had some work done in the last year or lost a lot of weight I can't imagine ANYONE sending suggestive photos to an ex that they have not heard from for over a year. Even unmarried (no cheating involved) exes that I've had (note I've never been an OW!) I wouldn't contact them after a year by sending them racy photos. There would be conversation, meeting up etc before any of that would take place. So it just makes no sense #1 that she COULD still contact him. (he should have blocked her on absolutely everything.

#2 that she would WANT to. After a year most people would move on. Your H must have given her hope of some kind or just broken things off with her. Him no longer wanting her anymore may be the reason he's showing you that (the crazy OW) is contacting him. So it looks like he's not hiding anything from you. Just my opinion but something is off here!

 

I wish you the best though.

[ladydesigner]

I almost didn't post this because I don't want to trigger you or stir up bad feelings. My exH cheated on me too and pulled many stunts to get me to believe he and OW (there were several) were not in contact. When I first read your post without even reading the comments my gut instinct was that your H and OW have not been in NC for 1 year +. I think maybe they were still seeing eachother and he very recently ended things with her. That they were just underground and maybe now he finally ended things and that is why she sent the lingerie shot to try to entice him back. I mean unless she had some work done in the last year or lost a lot of weight I can't imagine ANYONE sending suggestive photos to an ex that they have not heard from for over a year. Even unmarried (no cheating involved) exes that I've had (note I've never been an OW!) I wouldn't contact them after a year by sending them racy photos. There would be conversation, meeting up etc before any of that would take place. So it just makes no sense #1 that she COULD still contact him. (he should have blocked her on absolutely everything.

#2 that she would WANT to. After a year most people would move on. Your H must have given her hope of some kind or just broken things off with her. Him no longer wanting her anymore may be the reason he's showing you that (the crazy OW) is contacting him. So it looks like he's not hiding anything from you. Just my opinion but something is off here!

 

I wish you the best though.

 

Thank you for your response. It could be and that thought has definitely crossed my mind. Not sure how I would get the right answer or even the truth of this matter. Really only my WH and the MOW would know. I don't even know why they would hide it still I am at a point where I will bless their damn relationship and send them on their blissful way together if that's what they truly want.

 

I will never understand why a WS or an OW would want to keep doing this. It seems so senseless to me, why not let me find someone who wants to be with me? But I guess this is where I need to figure out if I can live this way or not.

[ladydesigner]

Well I just confronted the MOW with her own message. Just so she knows my WH actually took a screenshot and sent the damn pic of her to me. Not that it matters.

 

Guess I just broke my NC with her:(

[underpants]

Wait I'm confused are you saying cheaters aren't in the category of "not perfect"

 

Honestly I put everyone in the "not perfect" category.

 

If you are referring to my revenge affair, yes I hurt innocent people. I hurt my WH, I hurt the xOM, and his gf. I am aware of this and am very sorry and remorseful for it. I try to offer my side here when I can from that perspective. I have been in therapy for both my A and being a BS more than once. My coping skills were obviously very poor both in my reactions to my WH's first A (I had my RA) and my reaction the 2nd time to his next A (tried to attempt suicide). I have been working on my coping skills ever since.

 

My apologies I worded that badly.

 

Everyone has flaws, but cheating goes beyond 'not perfect' imho, its the nuclear option in a relationship (and I feel for all the innocents drawn into the blow back), the more stories I read, the more I understand the dynamics. That is not to say there is an guaranteed 'affair proof' your relationship recipe, but some things are more visible in the rear view mirror.

 

I'm of the belief that if someone has a true consequence to an unacceptable relationship behavior, that person will either....correct that behavior in future relationships, find a partner that does not find such behavior unacceptable, gets away with said behavior with partner that does not deliver any 'real' consequences.

 

It just seems like a holy mess you are in and I hope this woman can give you clarity to your situation. Really, you have it already and it is not her job to comfort you, that is yours and yours alone.

 

You know who you are and who you are married to. Your choice is to continue or choose another way. My bet is you will continue. You can be a martyr for your children (i.e. this is the hill you will die/sacrifice your soul on), or you can show them another way.

 

In a way I'm envious of spouses who have had years/decades of 'blissful' marriage before reality comes into play. Ignorance is bliss comes to mind.

 

You want a faithful spouse, he failed on that, you failed on that to even the field, then more contact was made.

[ladydesigner]

My apologies I worded that badly.

 

Everyone has flaws, but cheating goes beyond 'not perfect' imho, its the nuclear option in a relationship (and I feel for all the innocents drawn into the blow back), the more stories I read, the more I understand the dynamics. That is not to say there is an guaranteed 'affair proof' your relationship recipe, but some things are more visible in the rear view mirror.

 

I'm of the belief that if someone has a true consequence to an unacceptable relationship behavior, that person will either....correct that behavior in future relationships, find a partner that does not find such behavior unacceptable, gets away with said behavior with partner that does not deliver any 'real' consequences.

 

It just seems like a holy mess you are in and I hope this woman can give you clarity to your situation. Really, you have it already and it is not her job to comfort you, that is yours and yours alone.

 

You know who you are and who you are married to. Your choice is to continue or choose another way. My bet is you will continue. You can be a martyr for your children (i.e. this is the hill you will die/sacrifice your soul on), or you can show them another way.

 

In a way I'm envious of spouses who have had years/decades of 'blissful' marriage before reality comes into play. Ignorance is bliss comes to mind.

 

You want a faithful spouse, he failed on that, you failed on that to even the field, then more contact was made.

 

Thank you! Everything you say is true! Ugh the bolded always gets me because I was shown the martyr way by my parents and while I can't blame them for my decisions I feel they helped shape them and now I am repeating that. I know my only way out of this mess is to leave.

[underpants]

Thank you! Everything you say is true! Ugh the bolded always gets me because I was shown the martyr way by my parents and while I can't blame them for my decisions I feel they helped shape them and now I am repeating that. I know my only way out of this mess is to leave.

 

Family 'guilt' is a funny thing, and a totally unnecessary thing.

 

I get the sense that you will (at a soul level) feel better by leaving. However, you may say for comfort/money) or it is just your 'I'm used to it' thing.

 

Its okay to leave and model an 'I can make it on my own lifestyle' to your kids.

 

You need no more validation then to look in the mirror and love who you see back.

 

It is life and we all get kicked around here and there. Its how you bounce.

 

Show your kids how to bounce back from disappointment.

[underpants]

I will never understand why a WS or an OW would want to keep doing this. It seems so senseless to me, why not let me find someone who wants to be with me? But I guess this is where I need to figure out if I can live this way or not.

 

Because they can.(period). You have the gift of a reveal.

 

You can't find 'someone who wants to be with you' because you are still clinging to a dead branch.

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you! Everything you say is true! Ugh the bolded always gets me because I was shown the martyr way by my parents and while I can't blame them for my decisions I feel they helped shape them and now I am repeating that. I know my only way out of this mess is to leave.

 

You know your situation best, of course. But I fully reject the notion that the previously mentioned "nuclear option" can't be a mistake which a wayward spouse truly and fully regrets, or that people who choose to forgive an affair are "martyrs" to their marriage.

 

Sometimes people get their thought process screwed up. They make negative assumptions about their spouse that they later realize were NOT TRUE, but rather a manifestation of their own depression, insecurities, stress, or anxiety. For a wayward who wakes up and sees the flaws in his former rationalizations, the change is very real and dramatic. And while it's true that recovered cheaters typically won't want to talk about it or dwell on it, that doesn't mean their thinking hasn't changed for the better.

 

Reconciliation after adultery can and does happen for a lot of couples. But both partners have to commit themselves to it, and both have to change their thought process.

 

Believe me, I get how it messes with your mind. I get the total tear-down of self-esteem. But we're not talking about lightning striking. About HALF of married men have cheated at some point (and a growing percentage of women). It's not right, but it's ubiquitous to the extent that one has to consider it possible that the mental pathways which lead a person to stray are common, and I believe... have less to do with the qualities of the betrayed than the personal angst of the cheater.

 

These are more often people who are seeking to soothe some inner turmoil with an external source than raging narcissists bent on emotional mayhem. Not saying that raging narcissists don't exist, but the notion that 50% of married men fit that category is preposterous.

 

Again, only you truly know your situation. I just think we would do well not to paint every attempt at marital recovery with the same broad brush.