xxoo Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 So because you think this way it has to be so for everyone? If you like people who are unavailable, that's ok but it doesn't mean those who want available people are unhealthy. I'd say that way of thinking is far more unhealthy. 'This is the way it's gonna be! You disagree? You're unhealthy!!' No, I'm explaining a viewpoint the op questioned. YMMV, of course! There is a difference between always available, available, and unavailable. Many prefer the middle, and my post explains why. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I was a "nice guy" when I was married. My ex wife ended up cheating on me. (Stick with me, this is going somewhere) When I found out, I grew a backbone for the first time with her. I told her I was done (and meant it). I rejected her when she reached out after her affair ended. I picked up the pieces of ny life and moved on. Today, my career has moved forward leaps and bounds and I'm making a lot more money, I'm closer to my little girl, and I got my **** together. I stay out of her life, I treat her humanely (albeit a little coldly), but demonstrated a long time ago that I won't tolerate crap from her. I just recently found out my xWW is openly cheating on her new husband with multiple people. He's a very nice guy. And a total pushover. However, my xWW is extremely nice to me. Doesn't cause me drama. Meets me halfway on everything. She offered to give up child support. Hell, she even offered to make me a CD of pictures she took of our daughter. She respects me. Not because I'm a jerk to her (because I'm not), but because when push came to shove, she saw what I was made of. Her new husband may be a few inches taller than me, and I genuinely like the guy, but he's total doormat. I said "No" to her and stood by it. Him? Not so much. I do consider myself to be a nice person. I treat people how I want to be treated. Just don't cross me, or the people I love. It is acceptable to be nice and have boundaries. Sounds you just happened to pick a bad woman. I do agree that your way is the best to be. Don't mistreat people and never let yourself be mistreated. Link to post Share on other sites
Heatherknows Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I think I'm going to write an article and title it "5 scientific reasons aging single women are desperate for the nice guy" You should. LOL. (Luckily, in my 20's I knew that aging was enviable.) Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I wish I could find more women like you. Where I live, it seems I'm surrounded mostly by women that just dont know much about the world, even generally speaking. Move to where she is from. They exist in multitude up there. Specifically, the Boston area. Everyone there uses a sharp, witty banter that keeps you on your toes. Very, very intelligent, articulate people of both sexes in that area. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I was NEVER into the Bad Boy. I fell in love with my husband when he showed interest in my world record and talked about us living together and accommodating my hobby. Didn't even understand the attraction to the bad boy. Who wants a guy that's banging someone new every week? New. My mother wasn't either into "the bad guy" either. She wanted the "nice settle-down have kids type." This is fascinating. Can we know, generally, what this is?? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Women who give away their best years to a$sholes, whether in college or not, and then settle later in life with a good guy. Doesn't exactly make the good guy feel special. Sounds like the Forrest Gump story... She blows him off for years for abusers, losers and drug addicts, finally comes back when she is older, terminally ill and he's a millionaire... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You probably don't realise it but this precisely proves the point of the OP. Women who give away their best years to a$sholes, whether in college or not, and then settle later in life with a good guy. Doesn't exactly make the good guy feel special. How someone defines "best years" -for themselves and others- says a lot about him, or her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Sounds like the Forrest Gump story... She blows him off for years for abusers, losers and drug addicts, finally comes back when she is older, terminally ill and he's a millionaire... TFY Haha! That's one of the best comments I've read on here! Well done, sir. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You probably don't realise it but this precisely proves the point of the OP. Women who give away their best years to a$sholes, whether in college or not, and then settle later in life with a good guy. Doesn't exactly make the good guy feel special. I actually wasted years on the "nice" guy... Now I want the great guy even if he does fart and make rude jokes. Far rather than than go through what I did all over again. "Nice" ain't all that great. All nice is is socially reasonably acceptable. I consider it an insult if someone calls me "nice" and if I call someone "nice" its because I have absolutely nothing to say about them... nothing at all. I can't say that they are courageous, kind, strong... they are just nothing... the "nice" ex still is nothing... I pity the poor girl that winds up with him next. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 It's about 18-24 year olds. By a young woman whose twitter page and self-description are a wee bit short of deep or knowledgeable. Oh good lord. I put very little stock in much of anything an 18-24 year old might have to say. They hardly speak for grown, adult women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Male Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Sounds like the Forrest Gump story... She blows him off for years for abusers, losers and drug addicts, finally comes back when she is older, terminally ill and he's a millionaire... Many women do that....its no surprise at all. They date or have sex with alpha males, then when they realize their looks are fading, and those hot guys no longer want anything to do with them, they quickly look for a guy a few levels down, the type of guy they've always ignored in the past, but they know he is the type that will provide, and do anything for her. Link to post Share on other sites
loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 For the past 3 years I actually went after good guys but they ended up breaking my heart more. Because I think the reason is when you're dating an a**hole you don't expect so much of them. You know what they are and not capable of. With the nice guy, you have more high expectations and when they screw up, they screw up big time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Male Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 For the past 3 years I actually went after good guys but they ended up breaking my heart more. Because I think the reason is when you're dating an a**hole you don't expect so much of them. You know what they are and not capable of. With the nice guy, you have more high expectations and when they screw up, they screw up big time. While that logic doesnt really make sense...I do kind of see your point. And I also believe many women know how to "read" the jerks better. They have grown up interacting with those types of guys more. Many women are not used to having a guy treat them with real respect, and they are not always sure how to respond to it. I'm sure some women get scared of the relationship actually "working out" so they ditch the guy before that happens. Whereas they know that the jerk will always do something sooner or later to screw things up, leaving the woman always free to find another one, and then another, and another, never having to settle down until she is ready, if ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 While that logic doesnt really make sense...I do kind of see your point. And I also believe many women know how to "read" the jerks better. They have grown up interacting with those types of guys more. Many women are not used to having a guy treat them with real respect, and they are not always sure how to respond to it. I'm sure some women get scared of the relationship actually "working out" so they ditch the guy before that happens. Whereas they know that the jerk will always do something sooner or later to screw things up, leaving the woman always free to find another one, and then another, and another, never having to settle down until she is ready, if ever. ^THIS IS GENERALLY TRUE AND HAPPENS IN MEN TOO. That is one way that someone who fears real intimacy can respond. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships Many other webpages talk of this. People not just women will fear intimacy or have an anxious or dismissive relationship style. Rather than being alone they choose people who they know it can't work out with long term. They may act out love and profess love for the "jerk" or "jerkette" but deep down they don't really like them all that much. It can be a really safe experience to like someone who you don't care so much about. That is if they like you back. If you like them too much they can really hurt you. The jerks might not have it so good. It has to be said the "jerk" or "jerkette" may be a healthy person in need of healthy relationship. They just aren't right for the person that is afraid of a real intimate relationship in the long term. Maybe they are a fun, good looking person to pass the time with. It is possible that in the end the "jerk" or "jerkette" gets hurt worst of all. They spend their time with someone who deep down never really liked them. Never wish to be someone else or have what they have. When the relationship avoidant person gets tired of the jerk or jerkette they get left or divorced for a well adjusted nice person.* *A true non-bitter nice person who is not jaded by experience. They too have to outgrow the experience of being rejected because they are well adjusted overall. (Think of it as being like hearing you are overqualified for a job and how that must feel.) TL;DR: My original point stands. The last sign of maturity is being able to grow beyond the ways that our imperfect upbringings make it hard to have a truly intimate relationship. Most of us go through a phase of dating or wanting to date people who are not right for us at all. I.e. the studious woman who only wants to date gang bangers or the straight arrow guy who marries a stripper on cocaine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Many women do that....its no surprise at all. They date or have sex with alpha males, then when they realize their looks are fading, and those hot guys no longer want anything to do with them, they quickly look for a guy a few levels down, the type of guy they've always ignored in the past, but they know he is the type that will provide, and do anything for her. Many people date around, party, don't get serious, maybe date primarily on looks and fun, and then start wanting a life partner or marriage, maybe a home and family, and they look for a different type of person- both men and women. One thing they look for is someone who is not jaded or jealous of the fun they had, or who views them as a fading beauty, or who thinks that women are in their prime in their 20's. They often look for more substance and build a life together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Male Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 Many people date around, party, don't get serious, maybe date primarily on looks and fun, and then start wanting a life partner or marriage, maybe a home and family, and they look for a different type of person- both men and women. One thing they look for is someone who is not jaded or jealous of the fun they had, or who views them as a fading beauty, or who thinks that women are in their prime in their 20's. They often look for more substance and build a life together. And then theres those that are realists...who see the world and people for what they are, instead of wearing blinders. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Many people date around, party, don't get serious, maybe date primarily on looks and fun, and then start wanting a life partner or marriage, maybe a home and family, and they look for a different type of person- both men and women. One thing they look for is someone who is not jaded or jealous of the fun they had, or who views them as a fading beauty, or who thinks that women are in their prime in their 20's. They often look for more substance and build a life together. Which begs the question how do those of us who weren't well suited in the world of partying and dating around based on looks build this "substance" that women will supposedly want somewhere down the line? Can you really shake off the stink of inexperience when you don't have the opportunity to sow any oats yourself? How do you make up for what you feel you missed out on? Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Well I learned one thing: Science doesn't mean what it used to back when Sir Isaac and I were cleaning chalkboards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 (edited) Which begs the question how do those of us who weren't well suited in the world of partying and dating around based on looks build this "substance" that women will supposedly want somewhere down the line? Can you really shake off the stink of inexperience when you don't have the opportunity to sow any oats yourself? How do you make up for what you feel you missed out on? I never thought of it as a "stink" but perhaps if there is a stink, or pain, only that person feels it. Maybe they feel it because they think they missed out on something or they feel envy. Maybe they expected something, not knowing that not everyone gets everything. But there are people who aren't envious and are ok with who they are and I don't think that they believe they carry a stink. I've known so many of them. I remember my parents taking me to the US National Swimming championships when I was 15- to watch. I saw that I didn't have a chance at being a great swimmer. There were winners my age and I was nowhere near their caliber. Wow. At 16 I knew I didn't have a chance at that. So? Do other things. I think LOTS of people see that and do that. They don't envy what they're not. They find what they are good at and work to excel at that, and feel gratified and then gratitude. (When we remember to! ) Edited November 12, 2015 by BlueIris 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I don't know if anyone else has followed the links to the scientific study the linked article is based on, but here are the actual results of the study: Overall results indicated that both niceness and physical attractiveness were positive factors in women's choices and desirability ratings of the target men. Niceness appeared to be the most salient factor when it came to desirability for more serious relationships, whereas physical attractiveness appeared more important in terms of desirability for more casual, sexual relationships. Gotta love science. Gotta hate click baiting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 I don't know if anyone else has followed the links to the scientific study the linked article is based on, but here are the actual results of the study: Gotta love science. Gotta hate click baiting. May I inquire, what is click baiting ? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 May I inquire, what is click baiting ? It's when blogs or online news providers use catchy headlines to attract a public. The article the op cites is an example of those. Following the links to the articles actually nuances or contradicts the very title of the link op provided, but the blog still retains its revenue from traffic. Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Quote from my friend, "because nice guys are boring". Personally, i love nice guys, I just want one who has a high sex drive. I don't like being taken for granted or treated like crap. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Well the last nice guy I went for started accusing me of having a BF and cheating on him with him so I'll just have to look for "nice guy with good self-esteem". I was never interested in bad boys, the only interaction I ever had with one was him smugly laying his arm around my shoulder and getting a little grabby just because I was standing next to him - I shouldered it off and he kept his distance after. I guess the rest of the lot is better at 'reading signs' because they're smart enough to keep their distance without needing extra help from me. Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 (edited) Maybe a better word than "nice" would be "kind." A nice guy might be the guy who ingratiates himself to everyone in order to have a nice guy image, while the kind guy understand boundaries and will be kind to others but never at the expense of his primary relationship. A kind guy can debate and will have opinions, but won't get defensive and have an image to protect. Instead, he is driven by instrinsic character values like honesty and loyalty--and kindness. A lot of self proclaimed nice guys in actuality have huge ego needs and are invested in the image of being nice, rather than in the actuality of providing for a woman's emotional needs. I think most women want a kind man who shows emotional closeness after he is attached to her. It's just that a lot of so called nice guys seem that way in the beginning, but don't deliver emotional closeness once it is actually called for. So give me a "bad" boy any day over a passive aggressive "nice" guy who hides his fear of intimacy. He's much easier to spot (and avoid) than the artificially nice guy! Besides, I've been around enough brash "bad" boys who actually turned out to be very kind. Personality often has nothing to do with it. You must watch their interactions and responses to emotional needs. See if ego and selfishness win, or if compassion and restraint prevail. Edited November 12, 2015 by blueskyday 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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