Is it me or is this difficult?

[JStep119]

This is my first post, so, go easy on me.

 

I've really just been looking to get my thoughts out into the open.

 

I'm a 27 year old male, I've been single for, more or less, the past 5 years. The majority of my dating career hasn't been great experiences. Most of the women I have dated - never treated me right. I am the type of person who thrives off making others happy, this personality type has led to a lot of exploitation - Not only in my relationships but in friendships, as well.

 

My last serious relationship lasted about a year and a half - resulted in my wonderful son. His mother had decided that she would stay home for the first 6 months - 1 year of our sons life. I was making enough money to support us, so I was happily on board. Long story short, 6 months after my son was born, I walked in on her cheating on me with a man twice her age.

 

After that ordeal, I decided that I would focus solely on my son and myself. Which has led to a level of happiness and contentment that I really never thought were possible on my own. I really can't complain about being single, anymore, though I wouldn't mind having someone to share said happiness with.

 

But now that I am back out, diving into the realm of dating, it seems like I have absolutely no interest in anyone. It feels like every conversation is carried solely by the effort I am putting in, should that stop, so does the conversation - and the friendship / relationship. I have tried online dating, but, it all just seems so awkward to me. And again those conversation rely on that I constantly put in effort while receiving 2 or 3 word responses.

 

Sure I have gotten tons of numbers online, but, there is NO substance. They continue on in their lack of effort hoping that small talk will turn into something without having to try. If I get the sense they aren't putting in effort, I will stop myself.

 

I apologize if, at any point, this seems like a generalization, that is not what I am trying to convey.

[Qboro90]

You're expecting too much too soon. How long did it take you before you met your ex? Just because you jumped back in the dating pool, doesn't mean you're gonna run into your next gf within a month, or even within a year. It takes time and patience. Gotta Put yourself out there and continue to make the effort to meet and converse with these women.

 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket either. Approach women throughout your days as well as online dating and having friends introduce you to girls you may like. As far as OLD goes, try specifying your profile to add "interested in socially outgoing and independent women" to weed out the brick wall personalities.

 

As a guy I always figured it would be my responsibility to carry the convo for at least the first couple dates until the girl is comfortable and opens up more. Then the problem is getting them to stop talking. Can't put pandora back in the box lol.

 

Keep your head up, it's a marathon, not a race. And make sure you establish self respect and mutual respect this time around. You said you have trouble because you do so much for your partner and they end up walking al over you. So consciously try to be less accomdating and submissive when it comes to the dates you go on requests and needs. Don't establish your willingness to go above and beyond until someone proves to you that they deserve it.

[JStep119]

You're expecting too much too soon. How long did it take you before you met your ex? Just because you jumped back in the dating pool, doesn't mean you're gonna run into your next gf within a month, or even within a year. It takes time and patience. Gotta Put yourself out there and continue to make the effort to meet and converse with these women.

 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket either. Approach women throughout your days as well as online dating and having friends introduce you to girls you may like. As far as OLD goes, try specifying your profile to add "interested in socially outgoing and independent women" to weed out the brick wall personalities.

 

As a guy I always figured it would be my responsibility to carry the convo for at least the first couple dates until the girl is comfortable and opens up more. Then the problem is getting them to stop talking. Can't put pandora back in the box lol.

 

Keep your head up, it's a marathon, not a race. And make sure you establish self respect and mutual respect this time around. You said you have trouble because you do so much for your partner and they end up walking al over you. So consciously try to be less accomdating and submissive when it comes to the dates you go on requests and needs. Don't establish your willingness to go above and beyond until someone proves to you that they deserve it.

 

I appreciate the kind words of advice!

 

Don't take my response as argumentative or anything. lol I can be rather blunt.

 

It's been more than a year, since jumping back in the dating pool. How long was I single prior to my ex? Good question, maybe 2 years? But in that time I was meeting women that we would share things in common - stuff just never panned out. That is not something I can say that is currently happening in my life. - Not that I'm not meeting women, because I am, I'm just not meeting anyone that seems "compatible." - OLD or IRL

 

I'm not worried about dating inasmuch as I am worried that maybe I have fallen off the social ladder? lol breaking into a new friendship has never been hard for me, I am in sales, talking to people in awkward situations is my forte. Talking to *NEW* women just seems so difficult nowadays, even on a platonic level. The only way I can describe it is - everyone I meet seems boring or assumes I'm into them for sex and is defensive.

 

As a guy I always figured it would be my responsibility to carry the convo for at least the first couple dates until the girl is comfortable and opens up more. Then the problem is getting them to stop talking. Can't put pandora back in the box lol.

 

I completely get what you're saying... But... It's our responsibility, as men, to be the sole person speaking? I am supposed to continue just going on huge diatribes about my life - with no response other than "Oh, cool" or "Thats nice." - including the women who approach / initiate conversation with me?

 

I mean, if that is what constitutes getting to know one another, then I'm really hitting it off with women nowadays. But, in my humble *potentially wrong?* opinion - conversation between two friendly people should flow fairly well - both ways? Why would I waste my time trying to impress someone who only wants to sit there an look pretty?

 

Am I socially dysfunctional? Is that what's happening here? :lol:

[Myragal]

The women never treated you right?

 

Why would you waste your time?

 

You don't want to take the initiative at first so a woman can feel secure to open up.

 

I'd have to say you are not what most women are attracted to...a confident, positive man who shows initiative and takes responsibility for his life. What do you have to offer other than 'woe is me' and negativity? Not many women see Millhouse on the Simpsons as their ideal man.

 

A woman should date you because...(fillin the blank)?

[LostOnes05]

So the guy is taking care of his son and stated that he is happy, but feels he shouldn't have to carry 99% of the effort in conversation....and you consider that the woe is me attitude?? Here's the thing, you NEVER have to validate yourself to a woman or anyone for that matter. All you can do is ask them questions about themselves and their life. If they aren't social mongoloids they will at least be able to hold a conversation. For instance, if you ask a woman about the last book she read and she doesn't have an answer but responds with, "I don't read much, but I like to watch Real Housewives and other reality tv shows" probably not the girl for you. Just have to ask them questions to get a sense of who they are. Most times those answers will help you decide whether to continue with them or not.

 

And for the record, not being treated well by women does actually happen. I've had situations where I invested time only to have them cheat or have an ex suddenly come back in the picture. The last one was great in the beginning and literally turned into a monster 3 months down the road, picking arguments over me helping out around the house, putting gas in her car, and holding the door for her. So it does happen. Just be yourself, don't talk too much even if it brings about awkward silence. That's their cue to say something of substance.

[Myragal]

So the guy is taking care of his son and stated that he is happy, but feels he shouldn't have to carry 99% of the effort in conversation....and you consider that the woe is me attitude?? Here's the thing, you NEVER have to validate yourself to a woman or anyone for that matter. All you can do is ask them questions about themselves and their life. If they aren't social mongoloids they will at least be able to hold a conversation. For instance, if you ask a woman about the last book she read and she doesn't have an answer but responds with, "I don't read much, but I like to watch Real Housewives and other reality tv shows" probably not the girl for you. Just have to ask them questions to get a sense of who they are. Most times those answers will help you decide whether to continue with them or not.

 

And for the record, not being treated well by women does actually happen. I've had situations where I invested time only to have them cheat or have an ex suddenly come back in the picture. The last one was great in the beginning and literally turned into a monster 3 months down the road, picking arguments over me helping out around the house, putting gas in her car, and holding the door for her. So it does happen. Just be yourself, don't talk too much even if it brings about awkward silence. That's their cue to say something of substance.

 

'Woe is Me'. Boo hoo.

[CaliGypsy]

Maybe you're just not ready yet.

 

If you're happy with the way things are, you could just enjoy that for now.

[angel.eyes]

You sound ready to date to me! Since you're in sales, I'm sure your basic social skills are just fine.

 

A couple of comments:

• If your date is disengaged, and just giving you "that's nice" responses as the conversation limps along, she's not really interested and not open to trying. End the date because it's going nowhere.
  
• How are your interactions and dates? Are you flirty? Do you joke with her? Or to an outsider would it look like a meeting between two co-workers? Maybe I'm wrong, but from what you describe, you don't seem to be connecting with your dates. Hence the bored "that's nice" or "cool" comments and what amounts to soliloquies from you. Try being flirty or playful. Engage in a little banter. Ask open-ended questions to show your interested in learning more about your dates.
  

[LostOnes05]

'Woe is Me'. Boo hoo.

 

This is a prime example of vetting the actions and words of people. Essentially, you've said a bunch without really saying anything of value to the man. He asked for advice in dealing with his situation and all you gave was you sound like a weak man, validate yourself, and woe is me. Confidence doesn't mean that you don't have any pitfalls frustrations in life. Confidence is knowing that you're not doing something right and seeking advice. I gave him my example because I understand the annoyance of meeting someone and having them pretend to be a certain way for a few months. Then when all seems good, they do a 180 degree turn and show you who they really are. And for me, one of the worst things someone can do is waste my time (which is something we agree upon). And we both know that there are a lot of people out there in the dating scene whose sole purpose is to waste someone else's time.