I take ownership for the death of my marriage

[ProdigalMe]

Went to dinner. Was going fine. Then she asked, "When are you going to file those (separation) papers?" Ruined my night.

 

I keep telling myself that I have to start letting go now. Easier said than done.

 

I've thought about moving out first, instead of waiting for her to do it. It will be extremely painful, but maybe it's the right first step for me to begin accepting that my marriage is over. And also the quickest way to heal from it all.

 

What say ye, LoveShack community? When your spouse announced s/he was walking away from you, did you move out first? If so, did you do it because you felt it was the quickest way for you to heal?

[2.50 a gallon]

Prodigal

 

 

I caught my Ex kissing a co-worker and angrily told her it was no longer safe for her to come home. In short I kicked her out and she moved in with the OM. She was spitting nails mad at me. That lasted for little more than a month, when she figured out that I was not sleeping alone and she did a total 180, begging me to take her back.

As you I was totally in love with my Ex. Which put me in a very hard place. I loved her and wanted to live my life and have kids with her, but could I ever trust her again. It was the hardest day of my life as I had to turn my back on her an walk away.

My question to you. Have you really taken a hard and honest introspective look at why you want to save this marriage? From this thread you did very little to support her in the years you were together. So why now?

Could it be you are afraid of living alone? Maybe thinking that at age 45 you will never find some one else.

Or is it possible that you don't want to be wrong? By that I mean maybe choosing to marry her was a mistake. And you just don't want to admit it

Or is there another possible reason?

[dreamingoftigers]

dreamingoftigers

 

I'm glad you and your husband are both trying to work on it. Me, I'm the only one in the life raft rowing.

 

I think my wife and I are similar in terms of love languages (touch and words of love), but we've devolved into such a cycle of resentment and recrimination that we don't "speak" the languages to each other anymore.

 

I said sorry to her back in August. We had a lot of heartfelt discussions. I apologized for a lot of the insensitive things I said and did. But for her it's too little, too late.

 

That's why I suggested Divorce Busters.

 

Their tactics are good for your individual situation AS WELL AS helping you to get yourself together and move on.

 

I used them before when I was the only one rowing, changes started happening within two weeks.

 

No, I don't work for them / market for them LOL

[Marc878]

Hmmmmm sounds like you have accepted it so why drag your feet?

 

You apparently aren't going to try and fix anything here so it seems like you're ok.

 

I hope you learn from this and fix yourself so you don't repeat this in your future unless you just went to remain single and in that case it doesn't matter.

 

Sorry for her having wasted all this time/life

[WomenWubber]

Went to dinner. Was going fine. Then she asked, "When are you going to file those (separation) papers?" Ruined my night.

 

I keep telling myself that I have to start letting go now. Easier said than done.

 

I've thought about moving out first, instead of waiting for her to do it. It will be extremely painful, but maybe it's the right first step for me to begin accepting that my marriage is over. And also the quickest way to heal from it all.

 

What say ye, LoveShack community? When your spouse announced s/he was walking away from you, did you move out first? If so, did you do it because you felt it was the quickest way for you to heal?

 

I don't know your situation in detail.

 

But I'd say that since she's the one walking away from the marriage, then she should be the one moving out. Unless the house is hers.

 

If you don't give a rat's about the house, then by all means move out and fill those divorce papers asap.

 

I'm sorry about your loss.

Edited November 15, 2015 by WomenWubber

[ProdigalMe]

 

My question to you. Have you really taken a hard and honest introspective look at why you want to save this marriage? From this thread you did very little to support her in the years you were together. So why now?

Could it be you are afraid of living alone? Maybe thinking that at age 45 you will never find some one else. Or is it possible that you don't want to be wrong? By that I mean maybe choosing to marry her was a mistake. And you just don't want to admit it Or is there another possible reason?

 

You raise some good questions. Why save THIS marriage? Are there valid reasons for saving it (and valid does not mean because I fear living alone for the rest of my life, or that I fear admitting I made a mistake in marrying her in the first place)?

 

I do have secondary fears of being lonely, but those fears always come with a breakup, and I can deal with that (I was alone for 12 years of my adult life, so I already know how to be alone). But my primary fear/concern is that I will lose someone unique (I made her, she made me, we made each other). I know the old saying that no one is irreplaceable. But still, I do love her for who she was and for who she is right now. To my shock, that's not enough to sustain a relationship.

 

I wanted to marry her, I didn't make a mistake. We started off so well, with so much promise. I don't want to make it all bleak. We had great moments at the start, mixed in with not-so-great moments. But lately, it's been mostly not-so-great moments, with occasional cringe-worthy terrible moments.

 

I suppose that raises a good question, what is a valid reason for trying to save a marriage (a marriage with no kids involved)? What say ye, Loveshack community?

[ProdigalMe]

I don't know your situation in detail.

 

But I'd say that since she's the one walking away from the marriage, then she should be the one moving out. Unless the house is hers.

 

If you don't give a rat's about the house, then by all means move out and fill those divorce papers asap.

 

I'm sorry about your loss.

 

Thanks for your condolence. We rent, so it's a little easier that way. There's no house to prep for sale.

[ProdigalMe]

Here's how I deal with the turmoil of emotions of a breakup (I'm the dumpee).

 

Evaluate extreme thoughts

I try to break down negative thoughts into pieces and objectively evaluate them. When you're wallowing in sadness, you get these extreme thoughts (I'm absolutely unlovable, I'll forever be alone, etc.). I tell myself that there's little or no evidence that these extreme thoughts will come true, so temper them with some reality (I'm unlovable to her, but not to everybody; I'll be alone this year or next, but not forever).

 

Exercise and mentally distract yourself

You'll feel better after a mile-long brisk walk. Even if you start off crying for the first 100 yards. Also, I practice distraction when negative thoughts start to overwhelm me (count backwards from 1000, by 3's or 7's or whatever...1000, 997, 994, etc...the mental challenge will distract you for a bit). Also, try deep breathing exercises where you close your eyes in a quiet room and concentrate on your lungs inhaling and exhaling.

 

Gratitude

Tell yourself what you're grateful for today. There's ALWAYS something to be grateful for. "Thank you, universe, for this warm cup of coffee." "Thank you, universe, for that friendly person at the bank who let me cut in line." In other words, there are other parts of your life that are good and not in turmoil. Try to locate those parts every day.

 

Put yourself in the dumper's shoes

S/he's hurting too. If you're angry at him/her, stop and think a moment

about their pain. It's not easy for him/her either. Have some compassion.

 

Music

Listen to uplifting songs, or listen to sad songs to get the emotions out (don't listen for too long, though...if you listen to uplifting songs too much, it's not in "sync" with your feelings and leaves you hollow...if you listen to sad songs too much, you get really, really stuck in the low part of life). Go for a balance.

 

I hope this helps anyone out there going through tough times.

[ProdigalMe]

If you need some hopeful love songs, here's some suggestions:

 

Fire and the Flood - by Vance Joy

 

Just give me a reason - by Pink

 

Love me again - by John Newman

 

Stay - by Rihanna (she does a live version on SNL that is rather amazing)

 

 

If you feel the need to wallow in the sadness (to squeeze out every last drop) try these:

 

Misty Blue - by Dorothy Moore

 

Poison & Wine - by The Civil Wars

 

Someone like you - by Adele (really, anything by her)

 

Skinny Love - by Birdy (the original Bon Iver version is excellent too)

 

All of these are on YouTube.

 

Peace to all the broken-hearted out there.

[ProdigalMe]

I'm sorry about your loss.

 

Thanks for your note of condolence. Much appreciated.

[ProdigalMe]

What are the rules/guidelines for spending holidays with your STBX?

 

My wife and I still live together in a place we rent. She will be moving out in December or January, and plans to file for divorce in February.

 

Meanwhile, we still made plans to spend the holidays together. So, a bit awkward. Do I just treat it like the holidays in any other year?

 

Do I buy her gifts for Christmas? Don't know. I would appreciate some

viewpoints from anyone who has gone through similar circumstances.

[lovemetobits]

I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened. I hope that the two of you could somehow give it a shot, like for a month or two, go counseling, travel, have a 2nd honeymoon, see if you could still rekindle romance in your marriage and do everything to save it. All the best to the both of you.

[grammiann]

Hi again, PM. I really am sorry about all this. You asked if there's a good reason to save a marriage if there are no kids involved. I personally believe that we are created for relationships - and that there is great blessing in growing older together through "better or worse," etc.

 

You said you tried counseling but gave it up after a couple of sessions. May I ask why?

[Rdavis]

ProdigalMe

 

I sure would like to talk to you sometime. My situation is almost identical to yours.

[ProdigalMe]

Hi again, PM. I really am sorry about all this. You asked if there's a good reason to save a marriage if there are no kids involved. I personally believe that we are created for relationships - and that there is great blessing in growing older together through "better or worse," etc.

 

You said you tried counseling but gave it up after a couple of sessions. May I ask why?

 

I stopped going (2008) because I didn't think I needed it. But, looking back, I realize I did, in order to learn better relationship skills. I chalk it up to me being stubborn, to me being prideful, and generally being immature about addressing a real problem.

[ProdigalMe]

ProdigalMe

 

I sure would like to talk to you sometime. My situation is almost identical to yours.

 

If you feel comfortable, we can talk it about it on this thread. I'm usually good at responding within 24 hours.

 

The other benefit is that you can get input from others

 

But only if you feel comfortable.

[Rdavis]

You raise some good questions. Why save THIS marriage? Are there valid reasons for saving it (and valid does not mean because I fear living alone for the rest of my life, or that I fear admitting I made a mistake in marrying her in the first place)?

 

I do have secondary fears of being lonely, but those fears always come with a breakup, and I can deal with that (I was alone for 12 years of my adult life, so I already know how to be alone). But my primary fear/concern is that I will lose someone unique (I made her, she made me, we made each other). I know the old saying that no one is irreplaceable. But still, I do love her for who she was and for who she is right now. To my shock, that's not enough to sustain a relationship.

 

I wanted to marry her, I didn't make a mistake. We started off so well, with so much promise. I don't want to make it all bleak. We had great moments at the start, mixed in with not-so-great moments. But lately, it's been mostly not-so-great moments, with occasional cringe-worthy terrible moments.

 

I suppose that raises a good question, what is a valid reason for trying to save a marriage (a marriage with no kids involved)? What say ye, Loveshack community?

 

To me the valid reason is that when you married her, you committed yourself to her forever before God. I do not know if you are a religious man or not. But remember the words you said when you stood next to her. Every marriage in my opinion is a blessing from God and he does not want divorce. Some of my friends say she is not worth fighting for, but they are not in my shoes either. I am not a quitter. Yes, I like you admit that I have fallen short on some of those commitments that I made mainly to "cherish her" And & I am working on that. She has an armor plated heart that I am working on getting back into. You are in the same situation as I. In my opinion if you really love her with everything you have in you then she IS worth fighting for.

[grammiann]

I stopped going (2008) because I didn't think I needed it. But, looking back, I realize I did, in order to learn better relationship skills. I chalk it up to me being stubborn, to me being prideful, and generally being immature about addressing a real problem.

 

Hi PM - Just following up to see how things are going. The reasons you gave for giving up counseling would apply to a lot of us, I think, at one time or another. Any chance you could try again? Intensives can be good for crisis situations because you're in it together for an extended period of time and can get to the root of what's going on.

 

 

Anyway, hope you are hanging in there. God bless!

[ProdigalMe]

I think there is now another man in the picture. Lately my wife has been guarding her mobile phone by taking it everywhere with her while shes in the house. Shes never acted like that before. Over the weekend she was texting like crazy with someone. We had plans to stay in the city on Saturday night and she was suddenly adamant that we shouldn't stay overnight (but we wound up staying anyway). Then she suddenly said we should stop hanging out so much.

 

What to do? Should I ask if theres someone else? Or should I feign disinterest?

If there is someone else I would be devastated. The curiosity is killing me.

[aadav1]

Hi ProdigalMe,

 

I have just read your thread and must say that your situation is much like the one me ex-wife and I went through. But I must tell you that if you still have those feelings for her you MUST do anything in your power to salvage things. Otherwise you could wind up in my current situation... we are now divorced (6 years ago), she has remarried (largely, I think, because of the ticking biological clock) and both of us regret breaking up deeply.

 

Once the separation came through and we were living apart it was quite easy to get on with our lives and generally forget about being together, because of the distraction of embarking on a new life, as it were. We obviously both dated other people in that time, but at some point she met a guy who then asked her to marry him. She said yes and asked me for a divorce. I must say that I was gutted and even considered (once) asking her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to marry the guy (he's seems cool but they don't seem like the right fit). I didn't ask in the end. Now, of course, she is married. And I sit here tonight thinking about her, wishing we were together. And I am sure (from what she has said to me and from what I have heard from other people) that she is in the same boat. That hurts even more than us simply being apart.

 

My point is this: it might seem unfixable now but please, if there's any chance, do whatever you can to fix it. They say hindsight is 20/20, and it's true. For me in relation to my marriage it has shown that absolutely everything in our situation was fixable, even though it didn't seem like it at the time. And my ex-wife, I know for certain, feels exactly the same regarding that. How stupid we were! It's very easy to say she's married, move on and forget about it, but it's no so easy actually having to battle with feelings like that. It might not seem like any consolation right now, but maybe when the divorce does come through it might trigger that 'What have we done?' switch and let you both see what you had, what made you want to get married in the first place. All is not necessarily lost. But if you feel that might be the case, that there might actually be a chance in the future, don't chicken out on the inevitable moments that will come to you when you really miss her and think about giving her a call, just to see if she fancies meeting up for a chat. That first happened to me about a year or so into our separation,a dn a few times afterwards... I was close to calling her but didn't, too afraid to do it. I know now that if I had there's every chance we would be back together right now, in the place we both wished for each other in the beginning.

 

Sorry, a bit of a rant there. But if it means the slightest possibility of you not being in the position I am in right now in a few years time, it's worth it.

 

Cheers and best of luck,

AD

[ProdigalMe]

Hi PM - Just following up to see how things are going. The reasons you gave for giving up counseling would apply to a lot of us, I think, at one time or another. Any chance you could try again? Intensives can be good for crisis situations because you're in it together for an extended period of time and can get to the root of what's going on.

 

 

Anyway, hope you are hanging in there. God bless!

 

Things are in a holding pattern. She still wants a separation and divorce. But I sure am getting mixed messages. Sometimes she says she doesn't want a separation. Sometimes she says we shouldn't hang out so much, but we do wind up hanging out most nights and weekends. But she still acts cold and aloof around me.

 

I don't know if there's a chance to try again or if she's willing to go to intensive counseling together. I haven't asked. Maybe there's no harm in asking? If I get a "hell no" then at least I have an answer. I haven't asked to go to counseling together because she was adamant that she has no interest in the marriage anymore.

[ProdigalMe]

I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened. I hope that the two of you could somehow give it a shot, like for a month or two, go counseling, travel, have a 2nd honeymoon, see if you could still rekindle romance in your marriage and do everything to save it. All the best to the both of you.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

It takes two to save a marriage.

 

I'm willing.

 

She's not.

 

I wish I could rekindle something on my own, but I can't. The most

I can do is be the best me possible, and hope she has a change of heart.

[ProdigalMe]

Hi ProdigalMe,

 

I have just read your thread and must say that your situation is much like the one me ex-wife and I went through. But I must tell you that if you still have those feelings for her you MUST do anything in your power to salvage things. Otherwise you could wind up in my current situation... we are now divorced (6 years ago), she has remarried (largely, I think, because of the ticking biological clock) and both of us regret breaking up deeply.

 

Once the separation came through and we were living apart it was quite easy to get on with our lives and generally forget about being together, because of the distraction of embarking on a new life, as it were. We obviously both dated other people in that time, but at some point she met a guy who then asked her to marry him. She said yes and asked me for a divorce. I must say that I was gutted and even considered (once) asking her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to marry the guy (he's seems cool but they don't seem like the right fit). I didn't ask in the end. Now, of course, she is married. And I sit here tonight thinking about her, wishing we were together. And I am sure (from what she has said to me and from what I have heard from other people) that she is in the same boat. That hurts even more than us simply being apart.

 

My point is this: it might seem unfixable now but please, if there's any chance, do whatever you can to fix it. They say hindsight is 20/20, and it's true. For me in relation to my marriage it has shown that absolutely everything in our situation was fixable, even though it didn't seem like it at the time. And my ex-wife, I know for certain, feels exactly the same regarding that. How stupid we were! It's very easy to say she's married, move on and forget about it, but it's no so easy actually having to battle with feelings like that. It might not seem like any consolation right now, but maybe when the divorce does come through it might trigger that 'What have we done?' switch and let you both see what you had, what made you want to get married in the first place. All is not necessarily lost. But if you feel that might be the case, that there might actually be a chance in the future, don't chicken out on the inevitable moments that will come to you when you really miss her and think about giving her a call, just to see if she fancies meeting up for a chat. That first happened to me about a year or so into our separation,a dn a few times afterwards... I was close to calling her but didn't, too afraid to do it. I know now that if I had there's every chance we would be back together right now, in the place we both wished for each other in the beginning.

 

Sorry, a bit of a rant there. But if it means the slightest possibility of you not being in the position I am in right now in a few years time, it's worth it.

 

Cheers and best of luck,

AD

 

AD, wow your story just blows me away. I can feel your regret leap off the screen. Was it a mutual decision to divorce, or did you initiate the divorce? I'm sorry that your relationship has come to this. You must feel awful. I hope you can find some peace some day.

 

I do want to save the marriage. I don't want a divorce. But she does. She seems so sure about it. But there are some times when I detect she's hesitant to go forward with divorce. Who knows why. Maybe it's natural to be hesitant even if you want divorce. She did admit to me once that she had an impulse thought of "what am I doing?" So, maybe she's second-guessing herself. I don't know. Maybe if she does get married later or enters another long term relationship, she will realize in a few years that the grass isn't that much greener on the other side.

 

Part of me thinks that if we do wind up divorced, that I should just move on, even if she contacts me later and says she regrets the divorce and wishes we stayed married. I imagine that I will be very exhausted at that point, and angry, and distrustful of her.

 

I don't know how I go about fixing it. They say it takes two people to save a marriage. So far, I'm the only one willing to do it. The most I can do

is improve myself and be the best version of me possible, and hope she has a change of heart and decides to stay and work on the marriage.

[ProdigalMe]

Filed the final separation paperwork today. Court clerk said it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the judge to sign off on it. Feeling down now. Damn ups and downs.

 

Feeling even more down because I suspect she is (or is about to be) seeing another guy. I have my suspicions (suddenly she is texting like crazy; suddenly she is guarding her phone; suddenly she is saying we should stop hanging out so much; suddenly she is paying a lot of attention to her clothes, shoes and hair).

 

She hasn't told me anything. Should I ask? Do I have a right to know? I think I do. I think that's the respectful thing to do. Let your partner know that you're seeing

someone else. Even if we're separated, in California we're still considered husband and wife. If she starts seeing someone, that could count as an extra-marital relationship.

 

Or do I not have a right to know? Should I not even inquire? Is it none of my business?

 

Your opinions are welcome.

Edited December 7, 2015 by ProdigalMe

[aadav1]

I think I would ask, if it was me. But not in a confrontational way. It lets you know what you're up against, or not, as the case may be. If she is then it makes things harder for you, both emotionally and practically in terms of saving your marriage. It also possibly makes it easier for her to proceed with the divorce. If she *is* seeing someone else (and at this point you don't know that at all, and it may by just down to your mind working overtime) then it's a matter of how long will it continue and will she miss you once the initial excitement or intrigue of this other guy has worn off? Then, could you or would you want to get past that if she wanted to try again with you in the future? It might not happen. But it just might. If she loved you enough to marry you in the first place, and there was nothing more than what seems to be apathy towards the marriage at present, it's entirely possible that those feelings could resurface. Music that she remembers from when you were together, places, dates... they can all trigger that sort of thing. I have had a few sms's from my ex-wife over the past few years that have simply said "such and such a song is on the radio right now. Reminds me on such and such a time when we were here and did this..." or "Hey, I was just thinking about you today, etc, etc..." And the messages always end with an 'x'. My heart always gets a flutter when I hear from her. Nice to know that she feels the same. But, on the other hand, so painful to know that we can do nothing about it.

 

To answer your question, in our situation she was the first one to mention separation, although it was also on my mind (I think for longer than it was in hers) and I was actually glad that she suggested it and not me. I just nodded and agreed - a mutual decision. That all came about because of an apathy (mostly on my part but also on hers) towards our marriage that could very easily have been corrected with one conversation that would have ended with a hug and a "Let's get back to where we were." I know that would have worked and, really, we should have gone to counselling when we separated. We didn't even give it a shot - none of anyone else's business and all that. The divorce came from her, because she had met this guy whilst we were separated who had then asked her to marry him.

 

Of course, I don't sit around moping about her all day, every day. It's mainly when things get triggered in my mind... music, movies, messages from her, whatever... and it lasts for a while that day afterwards. But I get on with my life and function well, which you need to do as well. Keep yourself occupied with whatever it is makes you happy. Is there a project or idea you've been meaning to start or finish? Do it. Get really into it and let it take your mind off the bad stuff so you're not constantly thknking about it. Then, you know, you accomplish it. A positive out of the current negative and something to keep your spirits up, something you can tell your wife about when it's done.

 

Just shooting some thoughts out, man, hope you don't mind. Been there so I know at least from my own experience how things can look down the line, and how regrets can so easily manifest in the future from things that in the present seem like they're absolutely the right thing to do.

 

Cheers,

AD