I take ownership for the death of my marriage

[ProdigalMe]

Many of us feel stuck because we feel like our Ex or STBX is in control of our lives. They dumped us, and now we feel powerless/worthless. The truth is, they do not control us. We choose to let them control us. We choose to let them have power over us.

 

We long for them, we hold a candle for them, we obsess about what they are up to, whether they think about us, whether they value us, whether they are with someone else and having the time of their lives. And the list goes on and on.

 

But, and I have to remind myself of this constantly, why do we let one person in the whole universe have that much power over how we live our lives, or what value we place on ourselves? Why does one other person's opinion matter that much to us? It shouldn't, and it doesn't.

 

You are a train. Your life is a train. Have you ever seen one person step onto a track and stop a moving train? No, you haven't. The train is way too powerful. Your train is way too powerful.

 

Remind yourself that you are a train. Whether they value you or not really does not matter anymore. Their opinion has no power to stop you. Your train is leaving the station, and leaving them far behind. The important people, the ones who matter, they're already on board with you.

 

Full speed ahead. Feel that rumbling power from deep below? It's coming from you.

[Calmandfocused]

Prodigal, your insight is inspiring. I hope you get off the right station and don't look back. Your grieving the relationship, it's perfectly normal.

 

I wish I could get on that train and quickly.

[Majormisstep]

Many of us feel stuck because we feel like our Ex or STBX is in control of our lives. They dumped us, and now we feel powerless/worthless. The truth is, they do not control us. We choose to let them control us. We choose to let them have power over us.

 

We long for them, we hold a candle for them, we obsess about what they are up to, whether they think about us, whether they value us, whether they are with someone else and having the time of their lives. And the list goes on and on.

 

But, and I have to remind myself of this constantly, why do we let one person in the whole universe have that much power over how we live our lives, or what value we place on ourselves? Why does one other person's opinion matter that much to us? It shouldn't, and it doesn't.

 

You are a train. Your life is a train. Have you ever seen one person step onto a track and stop a moving train? No, you haven't. The train is way too powerful. Your train is way too powerful.

 

Remind yourself that you are a train. Whether they value you or not really does not matter anymore. Their opinion has no power to stop you. Your train is leaving the station, and leaving them far behind. The important people, the ones who matter, they're already on board with you.

 

Full speed ahead. Feel that rumbling power from deep below? It's coming from you.

 

Wow PM. I needed this tonight. Constant obsession....where I went wrong, where he did, does he think of me, is he happier now. Debilitating thoughts.

 

Keep on this road to recovery. Kudos to you.

[Rum Tum Tugger]

I am new to this topic, but as soon as I read the first post I knew exactly how it was going to pan out. In October 2013 I started to go through exactly the same thing and I went through all the same feelings that you have been through. I also knew from the first post that there would be another man involved and that you wife was happy for you to take the blame so people didn't think it was her fault.

 

I too blamed myself and my ex wife did a brilliant job of convincing myself that it was mostly my fault. But the reality was she had been planning her exit for months and lost weight, started buying new clothes and going out with the girls in preparation for the exciting single life she was planning.

 

Trust me, whenever I see a post on here where a woman tells her husband "I need space" or "I am not happy" or "I love you, I am just not in love with you" there is always someone else involved.

 

I know it is hard and the first six months were a blur for me, but it does get better. I can only describe it as being surrounded by a dense, thick fog that lifts so slowly that you don't even notice. One day in the future you will just realise that you have not thought about her in a while and that everything is going to be OK. It is a long process and it may take a couple of years to get there but you will eventually get there.

 

So my story is that like you, the guy my wife was having the exciting affair with got cold feet after a few weeks. They had been messaging for months and she was secretly meeting up with him before we split and she deemed this exciting enough to destroy our marriage and the lives of two children over.

 

There was then 5 months of guys using her for pump and dump before she found a guy very much like me and moved him in. The funny thing is I can already see her trying to mold him into her slave and emasculate him so I suspect she will get bored of him and start looking around in the near future.

 

For me on the other hand life is pretty amazing, I am free to do what I want and I am seeing someone much younger and much prettier than her. I am relaxed, confident and much happier.

 

Now the strange thing is I have started getting messages from her just trying to strike up conversation or saying things like "I miss our chats". I think deep down she realises that the grass was not any greener and that actually I am the one that came out much better than this. She believed the excitement she felt during the affair would never wear off and that I would be moping around for her so she could keep me dangling and use me as a plan C or D.

 

Anyway, I wish you good luck, it will get better and if you want to PM me feel free!

[ProdigalMe]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and to reply. I really needed to read your post today.

 

It means a lot because, as you might have experienced, some days I just get exhausted and think this pain is never going to go away. It's like I'm on this long, grueling hike, and the switchbacks just never seem to end, and I seem to be making no progress to the summit whatsoever. I just want to sit down, give up and not move anymore. What's weird is that at the moment I'm feeling hopeless and helpless, something happens, or someone says something that is exactly what I need to pick myself back up. That's what your post did, so thank you.

 

My D-day was late July 2015. Physical separation was late December 2015. Legal separation (signed by the judge) was late February 2016. I expect the divorce to be filed and finalized this year.

 

I hope that by the end of the year I will have reached the summit. Maybe then I can feel like you. I'll be able to see how far I've come, see all the bad stuff that I've left behind, and see all the good stuff that is in front of me. Congratulations to you on your journey.

[QueenVictoria]

gosh, one of the better postings i have read.

[ProdigalMe]

There's a nice opinion-documentary on the New York Times website.

(http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/29/opinion/late-december-alzheimers.html).

 

It's about change and loss in a marriage. The writer states, "Loss throws life out of balance. It demands a reaction."

 

I watched it and realized it's a gauge for how far along I am in my healing.

It's a gauge for how I am reacting to a life out of balance. I could have reacted with indifference, or rage, or despair, or longing.

 

As I watched this lovely couple, I realized I miss her less and less. I would like to have a future like this couple's, but not necessarily with my STBXW, and not necessarily right now. I realize that being single right now is what I need, even if sometimes I miss my Ex.

 

When you watch this, do you long for your Ex? Do you long for someone else with whom you can share this future? Or do you feel fine right now being single?

[ProdigalMe]

If you were dumped by your husband or wife, you, like me, are probably struggling with feelings of rejection. This is a daily struggle, particularly if you're recently separated or currently going through a divorce. It may be an ongoing struggle even if you're a year or more past your divorce.

 

From time to time, I come across an internet article that is helpful, if not entirely accurate, in dealing with the emotional shockwaves after a breakup. Here is one article in particular: Be Responsible for What You Feel | Take Ownership of Your Emotions

 

The premise is that we're responsible for our own happiness. No one can make us feel bad about ourselves, unless we allow it. To me, this means that we shouldn't seek validation from others. We shouldn't rely on our significant other to make us feel attractive, smart, worthwhile, valuable, compelling, desirable, beautiful, or anything else. In other words, we should be secure (and happy) that we are already all of those things, regardless of another person's validation (which might come imperfectly, if at all).

 

This is not to say you forgive and forget bad behavior. It does not mean giving your significant other a free pass to treat you badly. It just means another person's opinion of you can affect and destroy you only if you allow yourself to react negatively to it. So, choose to look at yourself positively. Believe that you're enough. You're in complete control of that viewpoint.

[ProdigalMe]

I've been no contact/low contact with her since January 23. It's been quite helpful in my healing. I've limited communications to just e-mails. I've blocked her phone number, so she can't call me or text me. She can leave voicemails, but I never listen to them.

 

Today she stopped by my work unannounced. That really irritated me. Nobody at work knows what I'm going through. I don't want them to know. It's my private business, but her visit jeopardized that. She claimed she needed to see me because she had questions about the divorce paperwork, and I hadn't responded to her email that she sent on Sunday.

 

This was a ruse. She concocted an excuse to come see me. There was no confusion about the divorce paperwork. I laid it out very clearly in an email that I sent to her in February. She's a smart girl, she's not confused about the paperwork.

 

She complained that I hadn't responded to her email. I told her I was busy. Later she sent me an email saying she was skeptical that I was busy because she knows I've been spending all my free weekends in the city (apparently, she's been stalking my social media).

 

Why does she care how I spend my time? And why does she have to see me? And why hasn't she signed the damn paperwork that I sent her in February? She's the one who wanted this divorce. She's the one that spent 5 months adamantly refusing to reconcile with me. She's the one that went off and slept with another guy while she and I were still living under the same roof.

 

I'm as confused as she is. She convinced herself that I made her so angry that she wanted a divorce. And now she is angry that I am actually proceeding with it. What the f*ck is that all about?

 

I'm the husband she hates. Last October she actually said she "loathes" me. Yet, she's not exactly sprinting for the exit. Weird.

Edited April 12, 2016 by ProdigalMe

[maacus]

I've been no contact/low contact with her since January 23. It's been quite helpful in my healing. I've limited communications to just e-mails. I've blocked her phone number, so she can't call me or text me. She can leave voicemails, but I never listen to them.

 

Today she stopped by my work unannounced. That really irritated me. Nobody at work knows what I'm going through. I don't want them to know. It's my private business, but her visit jeopardized that. She claimed she needed to see me because she had questions about the divorce paperwork, and I hadn't responded to her email that she sent on Sunday.

 

This was a ruse. She concocted an excuse to come see me. There was no confusion about the divorce paperwork. I laid it out very clearly in an email that I sent to her in February. She's a smart girl, she's not confused about the paperwork.

 

She complained that I hadn't responded to her email. I told her I was busy. Later she sent me an email saying she was skeptical that I was busy because she knows I've been spending all my free weekends in the city (apparently, she's been stalking my social media).

 

Why does she care how I spend my time? And why does she have to see me? And why hasn't she signed the damn paperwork that I sent her in February? She's the one who wanted this divorce. She's the one that spent 5 months adamantly refusing to reconcile with me. She's the one that went off and slept with another guy while she and I were still living under the same roof.

 

I'm as confused as she is. She convinced herself that I made her so angry that she wanted a divorce. And now she is angry that I am actually proceeding with it. What the f*ck is that all about?

 

I'm the husband she hates. Last October she actually said she "loathes" me. Yet, she's not exactly sprinting for the exit. Weird.

 

ProdigalMe. Short and sweet is that she is missing the control she has over you. Be polite but also be firm in letting her know that she is out of line. I said "short and sweet" because although I could elaborate a great deal, it really boils down to her wanting that control over you, and upsetting you is bonus material, in her opinion.

[Mundo]

ProdigalMe. Short and sweet is that she is missing the control she has over you. Be polite but also be firm in letting her know that she is out of line. I said "short and sweet" because although I could elaborate a great deal, it really boils down to her wanting that control over you, and upsetting you is bonus material, in her opinion.

 

I agree with maacus. Stay the course. It will be difficult but you will be better off. Yes I know that is pretty cliché but we have to believe is true. Others have posted how much better their lives have become it just takes time.

[ProdigalMe]

I sent her the divorce paperwork on February 17, with very clear instructions. All she had to do is sign and date it and return it to me. Very simple. Yet, she still hasn't done it. What is it with folks who spend months demanding a divorce, and then drag their feet on it when it comes time for the rubber to hit the road? I say that if you're going to blow up two lives, you have the moral obligation to do it quickly and mercifully.

 

I can feel myself getting tense, and wavering on this divorce. Her birthday is coming up soon. What should I do? I've been getting her birthday gifts since the year 2000. This year it feels inappropriate to continue doing that. If not a gift, should I get her a card? Should I simply acknowledge her birthday via email? Or should I just continue my low contact/no contact?

 

Your opinions are welcome.

[GorillaTheater]

Your opinions are welcome.

 

 

Find a card suitable to send to someone who expressly loathes you, and write in it:

 

 

"Happy Birthday. Not get off your ass and sign the paperwork."

[serial muse]

Like this?

 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/ca/e0/3d/cae03d2d02a90a81b97b2bdc8516d035.jpg

[GorillaTheater]

Like this?

 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/ca/e0/3d/cae03d2d02a90a81b97b2bdc8516d035.jpg

 

 

 

 

And Prod, if you take my suggestion, be a better man than I: spell "now" correctly.

[mellywell]

I have read your thread with some interest and sadness for you.

 

I don't know if it will help, but I was, in many ways, your wife. In one of the first pages, you asked if, once a woman finally gets up the gumption to leave, is she really done. Is there anything you can do? My intent was to answer that question, but as your thread progressed I thought it wasn't necessary. Now, though, since you mentioned wavering on the D, I think I will.

 

Unless a woman is leaving solely for an affair, then 99% of the time, when she is done, she is done. man or no man after a separation, a woman who separates due to neglect has hoped, prayed, begged, gotten angry, hoped, been disappointed, begged, ranted, cried, begged...well, you get the picture. By the time she finally throws in the towel and separates, she has been through most of the grieving process, like when a very old loved one dies after a prolonged terminal illness.

 

People like to accuse every spouse who leaves of cheating. People like to blame every divorce on adultery. People like to look for lots of reasons that a marriage fails EXCEPT their chosen, continued neglect. The thing I admired about your first couple of pages is that you had the character to SEE your flaws. That takes a strength that being "right" and trashing her will never give you.

 

It sounds like you have learned a lot from this marriage. That means that you have the potential to become an amazing partner for someone else, someone without all the water, hurt, and mistrust under the bridge. I wish you the best.

[ProdigalMe]

Hah! Funny.

 

I needed that laugh. Thanks.

[ProdigalMe]

Thanks for reading my posts, and for your kinds words.

[blue_jay_bird]

"You chip away at love bit by bit."

 

I remember I dated a guy that never put much work into the relationship. I remember asking him, "You saw this coming, why didn't you do anything"?

 

He just shrugged and said I don't know.

 

Looking back he was setting himself up for rejection. He was protecting himself by not even trying. If he had tried and I still dumped him he would be truly rejected.

 

If you don't try and it doesn't work out. Well its not really your fault. Because your setting yourself up to failure .

 

If you put everything in, give it your all, all your love and then your rejected. It's because you aren't good enough.

Edited April 21, 2016 by blue_jay_bird