I take ownership for the death of my marriage

[ProdigalMe]

...Then, could you or would you want to get past that if she wanted to try again with you in the future?

 

I don't know if I would want to get back together after she's dated, or been in a LTR/marriage. Part of me thinks I should just move on after that. But I hear you. If she contacts me during our separation and hints at getting back together, I should at least consider it, or else I may regret not having at least explored the possibility with her.

 

...I just nodded and agreed - a mutual decision. That all came about because of an apathy (mostly on my part but also on hers) towards our marriage that could very easily have been corrected with one conversation that would have ended with a hug and a "Let's get back to where we were."

 

Here's where my situation differs from yours. The separation and divorce ideas are not mutual. I don't want any of it. She does. I would love to get back to where we were, but she's finished with all of it, and doesn't want to try. So, I'm stuck with her decision.

 

...The divorce came from her, because she had met this guy whilst we were separated who had then asked her to marry him.

 

So sorry that happened. I can understand why you felt "gutted." That must have hurt something terrible. I know, because I'm feeling like that right now.

 

AD, do you mind sharing some details with us? Such as your age at divorce, your wife's age at divorce, duration of marriage, total time you were together, kids, etc.?

[grammiann]

Filed the final separation paperwork today. Court clerk said it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the judge to sign off on it. Feeling down now. Damn ups and downs.

 

Feeling even more down because I suspect she is (or is about to be) seeing another guy. I have my suspicions (suddenly she is texting like crazy; suddenly she is guarding her phone; suddenly she is saying we should stop hanging out so much; suddenly she is paying a lot of attention to her clothes, shoes and hair).

 

She hasn't told me anything. Should I ask? Do I have a right to know? I think I do. I think that's the respectful thing to do. Let your partner know that you're seeing

someone else. Even if we're separated, in California we're still considered husband and wife. If she starts seeing someone, that could count as an extra-marital relationship.

 

Or do I not have a right to know? Should I not even inquire? Is it none of my business?

 

Your opinions are welcome.

 

I'm sorry, friend. Yes, I think you have a right to know what's really going on.

 

At this point, since your wife has not expressed an interest in reconciliation, you might consider taking a very tough approach:

 

Instead of letting yourself be strung along, why not have her move out now?

 

If she doesn't want to hang out "so much," why not stop hanging out at all?

 

Instead of wondering whether there is someone else, why not ask her point blank? If there is, why not ask her to choose?

 

I know it may seem risky to force the issue, but you deserve the same dignity and self-respect you would want for anyone else in this situation. If she does reconsider, then maybe you'll be on the right path toward reconciliation. In the meantime, you might consider counseling for yourself, or maybe even find a pastor who can walk you through this.

 

Take care, PM.

[ProdigalMe]

I'm sorry, friend. Yes, I think you have a right to know what's really going on.

 

At this point, since your wife has not expressed an interest in reconciliation, you might consider taking a very tough approach:

 

Instead of letting yourself be strung along, why not have her move out now?

 

If she doesn't want to hang out "so much," why not stop hanging out at all?

 

Instead of wondering whether there is someone else, why not ask her point blank? If there is, why not ask her to choose?

 

I know it may seem risky to force the issue, but you deserve the same dignity and self-respect you would want for anyone else in this situation. If she does reconsider, then maybe you'll be on the right path toward reconciliation. In the meantime, you might consider counseling for yourself, or maybe even find a pastor who can walk you through this.

 

Take care, PM.

 

 

Thank you for the kind words, grammiann.

 

My strategy is wait and see. When the separation started, I said that I would not date, but she said she would.

 

I don't think I mind if date means going to dinner to get to know another person. I mean, it hurts a little bit, but not as much as if she made a real emotional/physical/sexual connection with the other person. If that happens, if she chooses that, then I don't think I am interested in any reconciliation.

 

But if she dates casually, I'm still open to reconciliation.

 

So, maybe I won't force the issue? I'll let her come to me? If she discloses that she is starting to fall for this other person, that is, if she chooses a deeper connection with the other person, then my decision becomes easier -- exit and divorce.

 

If she discloses that she went on some casual dates, but that she's not interested beyond that, then I may still want reconciliation.

 

Am I allowing myself to be strung along? Am I doing the wrong thing by not taking a firmer stance? Let me know what you all think.

[ProdigalMe]

So there is definitely another man in the picture. It's a guy she works with. He is a single father. He is the same age as my wife. They work in different departments, but are in the same building. Apparently they had a meeting last week, and some sort of sparks flew. They exchanged numbers, and have been texting up a storm for the past week.

 

Last night I found out that she plans to go to dinner with him tonight. Basically, it's a date. Driving me crazy. I'm so sick with jealousy and insecurity. She just tells me, "I'll be home late" and leaves it at that. My racing mind then fills in the blanks with all kinds of horrible details. What a nightmare. I never imagined that my life would wind up like this. And I never would have imagined that she could act like this, so cold and calculating. She's told lies about where she's going, and who she will be with. She hides her cellphone from me. She goes into another room to text. I have never seen this side of her before. It's so bewildering. It's like I don't even know her, even though I've known her for 15 years.

[makemineamac]

Well this sucks for you.

 

So the question is, when does this end? Do you continue with the longing, wishing, sadness, now jealousy or do you take action and tell her to leave?

 

One of you needs to get out of there. None of this is going to help you going forward.

 

Accept it, it's over. Stop wishing for something that is not there. You don;t know this person anymore.

 

It's time. And you can do this, but in order to do this you have to take action, and apply consequences. Do it.

[ProdigalMe]

makemineamac

 

You're right. I need to accept that it is all over. I need to take action to start protecting myself and healing from this.

 

Right now I'm so stunned that it's taking everything I have to get up off the mat.

I'm reeling, and all I can do is stare at my feet while I'm being counted out by the boxing referee.

 

 

BTW, I was up near your part of the world in November (Victoria, BC). It was quite beautiful.

[ProdigalMe]

She asked for a divorce in late July (love you, but not in love with you). We filed for legal separation in late August. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. Her Facebook status is "single." We still live together, but we don't have sex. She's been hanging out with her co-worker and exchanging flirty texts with him. She's not told me about him (I found out from other sources). She hides her cellphone from me. When she goes out, she just says she'll be home later. She doesn't give me any details.

 

There's a good argument that her seeing another guy is not cheating.

 

But I feel so betrayed. Should I not feel that way? We're unofficially separated, so I suppose she can be with whomever she wants. But man it still hurts. It still feels like I've been betrayed.

 

Do I not have a right to feel this way?

[makemineamac]

Totally understand how you feel. It's what you do about it that matters though.

 

Same thing happened to me earlier this fall after I broke up with my ex. We agreed to live in the same space until we sorted some things out.

 

I assumed - wrongly it turned out, that we would remain loyal to each other until such time as one of us was able to move out.

 

Anyway, she ended up meeting someone aright away and started buying condoms and so on, so I told her I couldn't stay. I felt it was disrespectful to me, but she didn't see it that way. I moved into an airbnb for a couple of weeks until I was able to move into a new apartment. We split the costs of my accommodations until I got my own place.

 

I wish now I had not made it so easy on her but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

 

In any case I felt a lot better about not being in the space with her. And in the end it was better for me. It took me out of the situation.

 

I am doing so much better today. I see her a few times a week to exchange our dog and it's fine.

 

Our relationship was dead, I see that now. It wasn't my fault but it didn't matter. There was no connection anymore so why continue to try you know?

 

While I am nowhere near ready for another relationship I am doing so much better.

 

You can do better too. Start making some decisions. Start moving on this. Come on! You can do it. You need to do it!

 

(Also, glad you like it here. I spend as much time as possible in your state, whenever I can. Love it there too.)

[ProdigalMe]

 

I wish now I had not made it so easy on her but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

 

When you say you made it easy on her, how do you mean? And if you had not made it easy on her, how would that have changed things?

 

In my case, I pay all of the rent, car insurance, and utilities. She pays the food bills and health insurance. So, I pay about 60% to 70% of all expenses. She's been looking for an apartment for 2 months but says she can't find one that she likes or can afford (part of me thinks she's just dragging her feet).

 

So I allow myself to be stuck in this limbo waiting for her to find her own place. Because I'm reeling form the hurt and confusion, I haven't taken steps to get myself out of this situation.

 

Also, it's amazing to me how she can compartmentalize her feelings. I know she's sad about our break-up, but at the same time she's romancing this other guy. I couldn't do that. If I'm sad, I'm sad, I can't flirt.

 

I'm with you, I do not want to jump into another relationship either because I'm not ready and I actually look forward to being alone as I lick my wounds (I don't know if it's healthy for her to jump into another one so soon also, but maybe she's been readying herself for a few months/years such that she's farther along healing-wise than I am).

 

Sorry to hear about what happened to you. But I'm glad you're coping and that you feel a little better everyday.

 

I know what you mean about feeling disrespected. I just feel like after 15 years I should be treated with a little more dignity than this. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm shocked to see this side of her (the callousness; the disregard; the lying, the seeming lack of character and integrity). I've never seen this from her before.

 

Of course, if you ask her, she would probably say that what she is doing is perfectly fine because we are almost separated anyway. I bet you wish your ex admitted that what she was doing was disrespectful to you, but I bet you never got that admission from her. I probably won't get that admission from my STBXW.

 

There is a right way to break up: tell me that you've met someone else, move out, then start your romance. Instead, it's unfolding like this: stay out late, but don't tell me why and with whom, lie about where you've been, don't mention that you're flirting with and developing sexual chemistry with a co-worker and are on the verge of sleeping with him, and continue living with me while I shoulder most of the expenses.

 

D*mn this life.

[makemineamac]

There is a right way and a wrong way to end things in our heads, but that's seldom the way things play out in life I've found.

 

And no, my ex saw nothing wrong with what she was doing and said that I could just as easily have met someone. The difference is that I'm (still) not emotionally ready for another relationship. I have lots of things to figure out about myself first.

 

When I say I made it easy on her, I mean by me moving out and not her. None of what we have gone through has inconvenienced her one bit. Only me. It's cost her a little financially but that's about it.

 

At the end of the day though I am much happier in a different place, somewhere I can build a new life and memories. In fact, it's awesome.

 

So, I do not know how you do the same for yourself, but you really need to get out of the situation. As others have said though there may be implications legally if you leave. So she should be the one that leaves in this case.

 

Can you ask her if she can stay with friends or family for the time-being?

 

If you can't do that then, even though the relationship has ended, and is not really based on an affair, it might be helpful to apply some of the 180 techniques with her and make your relationship a less personal one if that makes sense.

 

A lot of these don't apply, but you may find some helpful ones in there. And I only suggest these as you are staying in the same house. I am assuming you are sleeping in different places now?

 

The 180

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. (She's not wayward as you're already broken up)

 

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don't schedule dates together.

 

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life...with out them!

 

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

 

 

Not sure any of this will help, others may have better advice, but I wish you the best man, and know how it feels.

 

You've got to do something to change up the situation. You did not sign up to be roommates.

Edited December 12, 2015 by makemineamac

[beautifulinside2]

You mentioned that you betrayed her trust, watched porn was sarcastic etc. Has any of these things changed? Are these traits an engrained part of your personality and why didn't you stop when she asked you several times over? I guess I'm asking because if this is "really" who you are then its time to let her go so she can find someone who will be a better fit for her. You say you are fit for each other but that's far from the truth, because she has requested for you to change your ways and gave you time to change but you refused.

[Marc878]

When you say you made it easy on her, how do you mean? And if you had not made it easy on her, how would that have changed things?

 

In my case, I pay all of the rent, car insurance, and utilities. She pays the food bills and health insurance. So, I pay about 60% to 70% of all expenses. She's been looking for an apartment for 2 months but says she can't find one that she likes or can afford (part of me thinks she's just dragging her feet).

 

So I allow myself to be stuck in this limbo waiting for her to find her own place. Because I'm reeling form the hurt and confusion, I haven't taken steps to get myself out of this situation.

 

Also, it's amazing to me how she can compartmentalize her feelings. I know she's sad about our break-up, but at the same time she's romancing this other guy. I couldn't do that. If I'm sad, I'm sad, I can't flirt.

 

I'm with you, I do not want to jump into another relationship either because I'm not ready and I actually look forward to being alone as I lick my wounds (I don't know if it's healthy for her to jump into another one so soon also, but maybe she's been readying herself for a few months/years such that she's farther along healing-wise than I am).

 

Sorry to hear about what happened to you. But I'm glad you're coping and that you feel a little better everyday.

 

I know what you mean about feeling disrespected. I just feel like after 15 years I should be treated with a little more dignity than this. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm shocked to see this side of her (the callousness; the disregard; the lying, the seeming lack of character and integrity). I've never seen this from her before.

 

Of course, if you ask her, she would probably say that what she is doing is perfectly fine because we are almost separated anyway. I bet you wish your ex admitted that what she was doing was disrespectful to you, but I bet you never got that admission from her. I probably won't get that admission from my STBXW.

 

There is a right way to break up: tell me that you've met someone else, move out, then start your romance. Instead, it's unfolding like this: stay out late, but don't tell me why and with whom, lie about where you've been, don't mention that you're flirting with and developing sexual chemistry with a co-worker and are on the verge of sleeping with him, and continue living with me while I shoulder most of the expenses.

 

D*mn this life.

 

Have her move out. You're going to divorce so she needs to be on her own now. This situation will become very stressful to say the least. She wants out. Push her. Now

[ProdigalMe]

You mentioned that you betrayed her trust, watched porn was sarcastic etc. Has any of these things changed? Are these traits an engrained part of your personality and why didn't you stop when she asked you several times over? I guess I'm asking because if this is "really" who you are then its time to let her go so she can find someone who will be a better fit for her. You say you are fit for each other but that's far from the truth, because she has requested for you to change your ways and gave you time to change but you refused.

 

Years ago when she confronted me about the porn I stopped looking at it because of how much it hurt her. And after she said she would divorce me I asked for another chance to better myself ( to be more nurturing; to be more loving) but she said no. Is this who I really am? On occasion yes but because I now hear her loud and clear I've made tremendous strides in treating her the way she needs to be treated.

 

I wish it were enough. I feel like I'm on the cusp of permanent meaningful change. I just hope she lets me be the man she wanted from the beginning.

[ProdigalMe]

Confronted her about her seeing new guy. I got denial after denial about whether she was seeing anyone, whether she kissed anyone, about where she was on certain nights. Then I confronted her with the evidence, and she got angry and defensive. She was outraged that I had snooped. I told her of course I had to snoop because (1) I had good reason to do so, and (2) how else could I beat her predictable denials unless I had solid evidence?

 

She also said it's not cheating. Her rationale is that we're almost separated, so she can see whomever she wants. My rationale is that she could at least afford me the dignity and respect of letting me know about this other guy, then moving out of our apartment before she starts a romance.

 

Years ago, we made this pact that if we were going to stray from the marriage, that we would tell each other that we were going to stray before we strayed. So I"m holding her to that.

 

It was a bit scary to do the confrontation, but it's something I needed to do. I felt strangely relieved and satisfied afterwards. All I was after was an acknowledgement that even at the end of my marriage, I'm owed at least some dignity and respect.

 

She wanted me to spend the night somewhere else. At first I thought hell no, I pay the rent here, you go. But instead of fighting about it, I just wanted to get far away from her, so I left and spend the night in a hotel.

[ProdigalMe]

Put deposit down on my own apartment. I get the keys next week.

 

Strange mix of emotions. Trepidation, excitement, sadness, relief, hope, despair. This is going to be a wild ride.

I plan to pay January's rent on the current apartment so it gives her a month to find a place on her own.

I plan to give notice to the landlord that we will vacate on or about January 31st.

Edited December 14, 2015 by ProdigalMe

[ProdigalMe]

Yesterday I saw my doctor about my arm numbness and inability to lift arm. Turns out I have a pinched nerve in my neck and need surgery there. They call the surgery minimally invasive, but they have to cut your neck open.

 

Meanwhile, I'm getting divorced.

 

This must be what they mean when they say it gets worse before it gets better.

[ProdigalMe]

Because of surgery I can't move to a new apartment. Luckily she found her own place so she'll be moving out by next week. In a strange way I feel good that she's moving out. I won't have to see her guarding her cell phone or sending surreptitious texts to who knows what person. I no longer have to witness her dressing up and looking perfect probably for some other guy.

 

Still, today was tough because she hired movers to begin moving out most of her stuff . It was tough to stand idly by and watch it happen. It was like trying to stop an hour glass from running out of sand.

 

Surgery was tough because I spent the entire time alone even overnight in the hospital. And this had to be the lousiest Christmas ever. But the Silverlining in this otherwise dark cloud is that in the times that I spent alone I managed to care for myself and I managed to care for my own emotional mental and spiritual well-being. Maybe it's fate's way of preparing me for singlehood. I know that I'll have to be responsible for my own safety and well-being and that the last two weeks has prepared me to do just that.

 

To everyone struggling during this holiday season I wish you strength resilience and Hope particularly as the new year approaches. God bless.

[bretav007]

I feel like i am somewhat relate expect the roles are reversed. My husband was the neglected and he was very open about how unhappy he had become in the marriage and how since their was almost no intimacy and when their was it wasnt good because i didn't really want it; that it made him what to cheat. He never did though and I would listen and hear what he would say and try to change and felt like i did and continued to try to self improve my self so i could be a better wife and mom but since it was already far gone i doubt i could do anything to look at me differently.I know he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore and it is hard because i am in love with him and we share the same bed still and have no other choice. I do take ownership that i caused our marriage to fail but i wish he could have accepted me faults and all because they weren't things that were major problems like cheating.I had a problem opening up about my feelings i am a quiet homebody who doesn't argue.i wish i could go back and change my self to get rid of all the stuff that drove him to lose attraction to me.

[causality]

ProdigalMe, how are you doing? I hope your recovery is going well.

 

Reading your thread was like reading what I wished my husband would have ever said. What I wouldn't give. It takes courage to self-reflect and take responsibility. Kudos to you!

Also, dating while you still live together was not ok of your wife.

Third, it always takes two to run a relationship into the ground. I feel like my husband has neglected me, but I know I'm not perfect either. I'm sure I have my share of responsibility. He never told me what it is, so I can only speculate though.

I wish I would be able to talk about what went wrong like you and your wife apparently did.

 

All the best for a new year to you! May it bring much joy and happiness!

[ProdigalMe]

bretav, don't take all the blame. Just own your part. And let your husband own his (lack of patience, lack of generosity, lack of commitment, inability to consciously choose love instead of waiting for some feeling to return). Maybe you did your best, or maybe not. But the fact that you chosen to love, that you tried, says a lot about you. I hope you have a great new year.

[ProdigalMe]

I am slowly regaining strength. I can actually get out of bed, walk around, and cook. It was tough for a few days. I missed my wife and struggled with being weak and lonely.

 

But a week after surgery I started to feel better and stopped with the self-pity. I slowly accepted that I am responsible for myself now. The first few days home from the hospital was tough because the house felt so empty. But now I'm actually happy about having the house to myself and how quiet the house is. I'm surprised that now three weeks after surgery I don't miss her as much as I thought I would.

 

My self-awareness and my ability to see how I contributed to the demise of my marriage unfortunately has come too late. Like you I wish I had this self-awareness and the serious conversations with my wife years earlier. I think it would've made all the difference. I guess my only consolation is that I've learned so much that if I ever have another long term relationship I will be much better at it.

 

Causality I hope you have a great 2016. I wish you the best.

[BuddyX]

Try to eliminate the down time. It's unproductive (keep thinking bout her). Given your physical condition I recommend stimulating your mind. Try to learn a new language, learn piano, learn a computer code.

 

Once I got my separation from my wife, I knew it was over. I did not look back. She tried to contact me but I just responded " We're not friends, we're not enemies, we're strangers with memories".

 

2.5 years post LS I feel so alive.

 

Consider your wife Version 1.0 And you're ready for an upgrade.

 

And yes, she found someone else. Don't be her friend, or worst, sloppy seconds.

[ProdigalMe]

Almost Recovered from neck surgery. I should be back at work in a week or two. She's been living in her own apartment for about two weeks now. There is definitely less tension. But I also feel tremendous loneliness because I really miss her.

 

I was reminded of this last night when she came by to pick up a few of her items. She's been slowly moving things out over the last three weekends. They are relatively small items so I am surprised that she is not already done moving. I suspect she realizes that once she returns my apartment key to me that is another nail in the coffin of our marriage. Sometimes I catch her making verbal slips. Sometime she says when she files for divorce. And sometime she says if she files for divorce. So which is it ? I suppose it's common for people to have second thoughts but they go forward with the divorce anyway. So I should read too much into these verbal slips. Space

 

Anyhow seeing her face and talking to her really set me back. I underestimated the damage I would cause myself by Breaking the no contact rule. Breaking it however was easy. I just have such a powerful and compelling pull towards her. To all those who have broken no contact and suffered and regretted it I understand. I had the worst sleepless night last night that I have had in months. I have to remember that the next time I'm so eager to break no contact. Peace to all those suffering out there in this new year.

[M1ke12]

Almost Recovered from neck surgery. I should be back at work in a week or two. She's been living in her own apartment for about two weeks now. There is definitely less tension. But I also feel tremendous loneliness because I really miss her.

 

I was reminded of this last night when she came by to pick up a few of her items. She's been slowly moving things out over the last three weekends. They are relatively small items so I am surprised that she is not already done moving. I suspect she realizes that once she returns my apartment key to me that is another nail in the coffin of our marriage. Sometimes I catch her making verbal slips. Sometime she says when she files for divorce. And sometime she says if she files for divorce. So which is it ? I suppose it's common for people to have second thoughts but they go forward with the divorce anyway. So I should read too much into these verbal slips. Space

 

Anyhow seeing her face and talking to her really set me back. I underestimated the damage I would cause myself by Breaking the no contact rule. Breaking it however was easy. I just have such a powerful and compelling pull towards her. To all those who have broken no contact and suffered and regretted it I understand. I had the worst sleepless night last night that I have had in months. I have to remember that the next time I'm so eager to break no contact. Peace to all those suffering out there in this new year.

 

I know its tremendously difficult to see it this way. But she has given you a tremendous gift that you will take into your next relationship. I see that in your posts. You have learned a lot from this.

 

Good Luck

[ProdigalMe]

I know its tremendously difficult to see it this way. But she has given you a tremendous gift that you will take into your next relationship. I see that in your posts. You have learned a lot from this.

 

Good Luck

 

You're right. At this early stage, it's difficult to see any gifts bestowed on me. The only "gift" I have is occasional pain that makes me want to curl up into a ball and sleep the day away.

 

I'm sure that with time (12 months or so) comes clarity. These are painful lessons. I wish I had learned them much earlier. Nobody gave me a playbook on how to be married. None of us gets a playbook, I suppose.

 

Instead, I learned how to be a husband by getting tossed into the deep end. Also known as the school of hard knocks. They say experience is when you take the test first, and then study for it later. Well, I certainly learned from experience.

 

Thanks for your comments, M1ke.