Depression

[justanickname]

I am in terrible depression right now. I always am anxiety, feel somethings wrong and like I mess things up. Basically I have war with myself so everything is very tired and I feel like I could not hold it any more...

 

For the last three months, I finished my job (end of project), had a new one - which I felt I could not handle, then quit, then had another one, then quit after 3 weeks because of the same reason, although this is the kind of job I want to pursuit (long story). And I have failed a lot of jobs that I applied for.

 

I have done lots of volunteering works and spending money instead of earning any. I feel like I have not done anything right in my life. My parents are also disappointed and worried about me, since I am going to be 31 (this Dec), with no family, no lover, no job (stable). Basically nothing. I want to travel but the fear of spending money and not helping others make me feel I am wasting my life if I am traveling.

 

Recently I had war and disconnected with my crush. We are long distance and he has been traveling, but during his trip, his reaction makes me feel unstable and last night I sent him an email - saying I would like to NC, since I don't feel he cares for me. He then replied, saying that I have misunderstood but because that is my wish, he will be NC. I wrote him that then I would like to have a talk (skype) when he comes home, but he keeps silence, and I think this could be the end... He has been my close buddy and yes, my crush. I told him about that (except the crush part, I thought I would tell him if we had chance to talk) and I said I didn't feel the same from him, and I deserve to be treated better, or NC.

 

In the other hand, I am aware that I am not that bad, there are many positive things in life, and I am doing good deeds, by thinking of others and volunteering to support them. But I know I do not have serious or long term commitment to anything up to now, and that is the biggest problem.

I feel terrible right now and even I feel hardly breathing. I do some meditation by my own, but maybe that is not enough.

 

I write here, may be looking for some advises (although I can guess a bit what may be your advises), for sharing and hoping that it could help me feel a little better. I think I should visit a psychologist, but here in my country, it is hard to find a real one, and if any, it could be very expensive, I rather travel aboard with the money than spending on such thing with such person.

 

anyway, thanks for reading all this... Wish none of you be in the same situation.

Edited November 10, 2015 by justanickname

[JustGettingBy]

If you're say depression as in what a doctor would diagnose, I would definitely get some professional help. As to whether or not you should travel abroad, I don't know, as you mentioned your country having an issue with that, but never sated what country you're from.

 

If by depression you mean you're just feeling sad, then continue volunteering and hunting for a job. Perhaps you're just feeling a little down because you're in a rut. If you have some spare time, learn a new skill. A computer skill such as a programming language, or maybe a human language, maybe practice a sport or get a new hobby or something in order to give you something fresh in your life.

 

Good luck either way.

[HeartDesires]

Well you do sound depressed but you need an official diagnosis from a doctor.

 

You mention travelling. Are you sure you're emotionally and mentally ready?

 

The problem with running away in your current state of mind is that when you return home you're still faced with the same problems.

 

You say it's very expensive in your country to visit a psychologist but aren't you worth it?....I think you are.

 

(((hugs)))

[justanickname]

Thanks for both of you.

I have decided to go for 7 day-silence and mediation. I believe it could help me calm my inner self.

Again, thank you. ((Hugs))