Am I within my rights, or being a pushover?

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

I believe that giving up too easily says something about someone.

 

c'mon, fight !

 

and ignoring obvious signs and being in denial say a lot more about someone than refusing to let the other person make you look like a fool...epsecially if that person "means nothing."

 

what the heck is with that?

[CurlyIam]

We all are guilty of occasionally wearing the pink glasses when looking at the world. Especially when you're inlove. We destort our reality, our own hopes and implication make us fail to see obvious signs. This is where friends come, they can give that necessary cold input, connection to the reality. And then, when we chose to ignore the obvious, do we risk looking like fools.

 

As far as my first statement is concerned, 50% divorce rate is unacceptable!

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by SexKitten

and ignoring obvious signs and being in denial say a lot more about someone than refusing to let the other person make you look like a fool...epsecially if that person "means nothing."

 

what the heck is with that?

 

Leaving is the easiest thing one can do. Giving up. Dealing with such an issue impacts one self esteem, because he didn't just give up at the first challenge. This is important not only to their relationship, but to him, as a person. Even is she "means nothing" (as in not madly inlove with her, the woman of his life) - he's dealing with the other guy for himself! For his own selfesteem - as in "no one takes my woman" !

[Nathan Jo]

Ok, et's not let this get too heated, let's keep some perspective here. Here's a roundup:

 

What she did:

• She is in communicat with the guy through SMS.
   
  
• She went to meet him on the street, came straight back and apologised.
  

 

What I could do:

 

• Let her know I feel threatened by him and put my relationship on the line. This backfires big time if there's nothing going on.
   
  
• Leave things as they are with her knowing that she shouldn't see him in any context (other than on the street) and treat any problems as they arise.
   
  
• Assume the worst and break off the relationip immediately.
  

 

Oh, and another thing. I'm in love.

[CurlyIam]

I'm for the second suggestion. I still think you should talk to her about the way she handled this issue - putting another man before her bf is a big no-no in my book.

[SexKitten]

 

 

good luck.

[Cecelius]

Do not cop to being threatened -- and don't be threatened.

 

There's just no reason on the planet for her to be hanging/chatting with a guy she hooked up with.

 

You don't like it.

 

If you don't put an end to this, it will only get worse

[CurlyIam]

Hellooo!!!??!! Are you people for real? My ex had a few female friends who would have loved to hook up with him. If I would have given up everytime a ho would hit on my man, I wouldn't have had a relationship longer than 3 months top!

 

Well, yeah, s*** happens. Other people will find your SO interesting after you've started dating and will interact with your SO. What will ya do? Run? No way, no beotch's gonna have what's mine! That's my story and I'm sticking to it !

[Cecelius]

Most of the advice here is focused on what SHE did, which is where it belongs. She should have shut the other guy down (and she still can).

 

But the attitude for him to maintain at the moment is that he doesn't chase them, her replaces them...

 

whether c@cky or harsh or what, the OP doesn't see his g/f hanging with a dude she hooked up with, especially when she doesn't tell the OP about hanging with him.

 

He doesn't fight to keep what's his, he puts his foot down to stop the stupid cr@p.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Hellooo!!!??!! Are you people for real? My ex had a few female friends who would have loved to hook up with him. If I would have given up everytime a ho would hit on my man, I wouldn't have had a relationship longer than 3 months top!

 

Well, yeah, s*** happens. Other people will find your SO interesting after you've started dating and will interact with your SO. What will ya do? Run? No way, no beotch's gonna have what's mine! That's my story and I'm sticking to it !

 

different circumstances. this situation is not the same.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Nathan Jo

Hello all,

 

So here's the deal. My girlfriend was "seeing" this guy before we met. When we met, she chose me over him, and we've been together since, about 6 months now. she always talked down about him. But now, things they are a-changin'.

 

First of all , a while back, they met for coffee. I found out, but only by asking. She didn't hide it from me, but she didn't tell me about it either, wheareas had it been someone else, she would have mentioned it. Up to now, no problem - I'm a bit concerned, but nothing more, I keep my mouth shut.

 

More recently, he's been texting her more, while we are out, on a date or something, and she'll text back. Now I think, hmph, bit cheeky, but whatever, if I kick up a fuss I look bad.

 

Now today it changed again. She pretty much kicked me out because he needed to meet her. She won't let the two of us meet because she says she's worried I'll react badly. (Unsure about what this means.) I said that I thought that was a bit confusing for me and jokingly said "Oh, you're ditching me for him now eh?". She then said she felt really bad and made it up to me. In all honesty, there was nothing to make up. But she felt bad.

 

Could someone please give me their opinions on this? Am I not supposed to react at all? Am I within my right to react?

 

Am I doing anything that is unreasonable, or am I being a pushover?

 

Any opinions are most welcome.

 

Thankyou.

 

Set a boundary with him.

Don't let her cross if.

If she does and you make a threat, be prepared to follow through.

 

She won't respect you if she can walk all over you.

[Nathan Jo]

Most of you seem very negative. Thanks for the replies all the same.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Nathan Jo

Most of you seem very negative. Thanks for the replies all the same.

 

That's the #1 thing my Therapist said to watch for in online communities such as this. If you keep that in mind, you won't let the negative nannies get to you.

 

The bottom line Nathan, and I have been in a similar spot and did NOT draw a line and LOST, she will never love you if she doesn't respect you. Right now she is disrespecting you.

 

Earn your respect back by sitting her down and saying "I understand you're talking to this guy. But you can't have us both. So, I'm going to let you go to him. This seems to be the direction your headed. I do not wish to stay together if you have someone else on your mind."

 

Say it calmly, lovingly and with much self-confidence. And you must be willing to accept the fact she may choose him. But the point here is you're drawing a line of respect that you're telling her you won't allow her to cross.

 

If she crosses it, then you know she was going to break up with you anyway. If she does not, she will have newfound respect for you.

 

You have to have the intestinal fortitude to follow through with your threat or it won't work.

[SexKitten]

i don't think any of us are trying to be negative. i think it's just very frustrating to see something so obvious that someone else doesn't see, followed by the constant defense of the person doing wrong.

 

it can get heated around here, but usually, it's meant with your best interest at heart.

 

i'm sorry if it's negative to say i think she is cheating on you, but the signs are all there. she even made you leave to see this person. i am willing to bet she has already cheated, and if not, then she is dangerously close to it.

 

i wouldn't put up with it, that's all.

[Nathan Jo]

Looks like this thread has got out of my control. To all those who offered advice, thanks.

[CurlyIam]

Hey, it's not a pretty scene, but you'd be a fool to ignore the obvious. Like I said, just coffee doesn't mean she's cheating on you. If she wanted to cheat on you, she wouldn't have told you about it, she would have just called him, had her way with him and you wouldn't have suspected a thing.

 

It's just flirting and maybe a bit of teasing. Still red flags, but I guess a little competition won't scare ya. As long as you realise that you are in a weak spot right now.

[Nathan Jo]

I find it hard to see myself in a weak spot. A weak spot implies that most of my outcomes are bad. I've been through a very tough break up, I can be happy on my own. Of course I'd rather be with my girl, but not if she's taking me for granted.

 

The thing is, I can't accuse her of cheating on me. We've talked about this as far as it will go, which is to say she's told me she doesn't feel the same way about him, she only met him out of sympathy, she thinks he's weird and she will mention any communication she has with him in future. I told her it aws the secrecy that bothered me, and she said that she just didn't want me to flip out, and she didn't know how to tell me.

 

I told her to just tell me.

 

I can't now ask her any more questions. If I do, i'd be challenging her honesty. I'd be saying, "Are you SURE you aren't cheating on me, because that's what it looks like." And I don't think that's someting I should do. I'd be disrespecting and accusing her.

 

So that's where I am. Not happy about this guy, but also aware of the fact that all she has done is text him and met him in the street. I'm not going to mention it again, because that will only remind her that I feel threatened. Unless, of course, I have a reason to mention it again.

 

And for the last time, she didn't ask me to leave so she could talk to him. She asked me to stay so that she could have lunch with me after she had talked to him for 10 minutes. And then spent an hour apologising. There's a big difference.

 

My own paranoia isn't going to help this relationship, please don't encourage it.

[Sal Paradise]

Whether she's cheating or not her friendship with this ex is making you uncomfortable. If she loves you she should be willing to cut this guy completely off. If you were having lunc with an ex and hanging out with an ex how would she feel? Tell her he goes, or you go. She says you're whats important, well if you really are this shouldn't be an issue for her.

[CurlyIam]

Nate, you are in a tough spot. And it doesn't mean that all outcome is bad for you. It simply means that your position as the alpha male in her life is challenged. It is, Nate, because she is in contact with another man who sees her as a potential conquest. That's the truth, that the reality, you must agree.

 

Unfortunately, in real life, things aren't as black and white as they seem on a relationship forum - see CIOC's statement about getting the worst case scenario here .

 

Here's my input: you are not open enough with her. You are not communicating enough with her. It's not easy, I believe that the first two years in a relationship are between the toughest. She's defending herself because she doesn't want trouble and she probably hates fights. Maybe she doesn't realise he is tempting her. Or maybe she just likes the attention.

 

Here's my suggestion: he will contact her again. You can be sure of that. See how she reacts. And than have a heart to heart conversation with her. Tell her you think that the guy is making his move on her and she would better realise it. Ask her to put herself in your place and imagine another girl making her best to contact you all the time. It's not that you don't like it, it's that it's unproper. And it's making you feel uncomfortable. Ask her is she's not happy with your relationship and if she's still looking. Because if she is, you should know and you should start doing the same. Explain to her that you don't want to pressure her into this exclusive relationship if she doesn't want that. But she has to be straight as to what she wants. Because her actions do speak another story.

 

After that talk you'll see where you stand with her.

 

 

 

Nate, my ex did the whole "it's just texts" with his ex ex gf at the time. IT's never "just texts". It's flirting. In my book at least.

[Nathan Jo]

I had lunch with an ex. She was a bit freaked out, I explained why, told her I loved her and it was fine. Why should I expect any different?

[CurlyIam]

Once. You had lunch with an ex once. How many texts have they been exchanging? They are in constant contact. See the difference?

[Nathan Jo]

CurlyIam, I thank you. I'm going to take your advice. You've been helpful.

[CurlyIam]

You're wellcome, Nate. You'll do fine, you'll see .

[theedge]

Hey Nathan,

 

I agree with others that he has an ulterior motive. You had mentioned how when you started dating between the 2 of you she choose you. Also you mentioned that when she decided on you she talked down to him. Think she might talk smack about you? Its possible you know. I am almost positive she is loving the attention she is getting and making you a bit jealous on the side.

 

It is a bit troublesome that when she is with you, she will stop in the middle of a conversation to text him. For fun if he texts ask her if you can see what is being texted.

 

 

I ran in to a similar situation a few days ago. My girlfriend when she met me also had um other alternatives to me. She was on the computer a few days ago and me on the couch. The couch is right in front of the compter so privacy goes out the window. I heard the keys rapidly being hit and looked up to see the opening line(Hey John). I admit I was a bit miffed as to who it was, but not paranoid or anything. I looked over about 5 minutes later and she caught a glimpse of it. Instantly she picked up on it. She said "Hey I am writting to my friend John, did you want to see what I wrote?" She had mentioned John before as a potential mate before me, but it didn't work out. I came over and she read it out to me. No harm no foul.

 

For sure, keep an eye on this, it could lead to at least an emotional affair. Those are never good either.

[Nathan Jo]

What's an emotional affair?

 

I can't help but feel that if I act like I feel threatened, by asking to see the text, then I'm going to come across as not trusting and whiny. If I act like she's going to cheat on me, I'll make it happen.

 

What do you think?