It's now or never (warning: long story)

[hopelessgirl24]

I’m in love with someone and I’m at a crossroads. We aren’t dating but we’re best friends, hook up, and have a history but I’m ready to be in a committed relationship and he’s not. I’ve known him for a little over a year now and I’m at the “make it or break it” phase of this relationship me and him share. For the sake of the story, let’s call him Peter. So here’s what it’s been like the past year, September 2014: My boyfriend breaks up with me and I’m crushed. I’ve dated a moderate number of guys since being a freshman in high school so I know how it feels to be broken up with but this break up just really sucked. As I was crying to my friend about this, she says that one of her guy friends (Peter) just broke up with his girlfriend so she decided to set us up to meet on my birthday.

The night I met Peter, I was excitedly nervous. He was everything I looked for in a guy from tall dark and handsome looks to the goofy, gentleman personality. We had a few drinks at a bar with some mutual friends and that was that. The next night, I went out to a club to officially celebrate my 21st birthday, so of course I text Peter to meet me at this club me and my friends were at. He comes and we get drunk and start kissing on stage. Peter and I then drunkenly walk back to his apartment and try to have sex but something of his down there wouldn’t work due to too much whiskey... So I wake up the next morning beside him, wondering where I was and then remembering the night’s festivities. I never just go home with guys and try to have sex with them. This was the first time I had ever done that. When I like a guy, I want to fully trust him before having sex with him. But Peter was different, we were just having fun, I didn’t expect to like him as much as I did in the beginning. We acted as if we were dating but never officially had the title. That semester we hung out almost every day, watching movies, playing video games, just talking…. I realized I was falling in love with him. I hadn’t felt this way about someone in a very long time.

“He’s imperfectly perfect,” I thought. I would find myself constantly thinking about him. I thought about his eyes and how pretty there were or how much his laugh made me smile. I would talk to Peter’s roommate my feelings when Peter wasn’t around and his roommate told me to ask Peter how he felt about me. After finals before I drove back home to see my family, I asked him how he felt and if he wanted to date me. I saw conflict in his expression. Peter told me that after his last relationship, he was scared to get into a new one. (Background story: he dated this girl for over a year and she made his life hell, they broke up in August before I met him and he had cheated on her with another girl). Heartbroken and confused, I yelled at him for making me feel this way and told him he’s an idiot for not seeing how amazing it would be to date me because we basically already were. I drive back to my hometown shaking in anger and crying my eyes out when Peter texts me, “I don’t know what to say... I just know you’re important to me and I want you in my life.” When I get home, I call him and he tells me he’s sorry and that he isn’t ready for a relationship but he wants me in his life. I hated fighting and he said he promised to appreciate me more. So I forgive him, just like that.

We continue to hook up and everything is back to “normal” for a few weeks. Peter goes on a ski trip vacation with his fraternity and when he gets back, he seems off. A day after he got back, Peter had left to “go out with friends” and I stayed at his apartment with his roommate to hang out and play video games. I had forgotten my apartment key at home so I had to wait until my roommate got back the next day to get into my apartment so I just stayed at his as I normally did. As I’m playing this game on his Mac (my computer was broken), his iMessage icon kept going off. As I click on the iMessage icon to exit out of it, the text conversation catches my eye. I’m not normally the one to snoop but the way he had been acting ever since he got back into town was sketchy. So I look at the text messages and I feel sick. He was texting this girl to meet him at a bar. I then read a text between him and his roommate from earlier that day. The text said, “I think I’m falling in love with her”. Come to find out Peter had met a girl on vacation and had “fallen in love” with her within a week….. I was speechless. My heart dropped to my stomach and I wanted to throw up, how is this happening, if he fell in love with her after 5 days then how does he feel about me after “being with me” for 5 months? I wanted the truth.

Peter comes home (quite drunk) from the bar and I’m waiting for him on the couch in the living room. I tell him I know about this girl and I’m not sleeping in the same bed with him tonight. He looks upset then runs out of the apartment. I don’t care where he went for about 5 minutes until his roommate tells me Peter called him “crying his eyes out hysterically”. After about a half an hour of calling him and looking for him across his apartment complex, I find him crying beside a bush. He’s drunk but I’ve never seen him so upset before. He keeps saying “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to be hurt. I hate hurting people.” I take him back to his apartment and get him into bed and tell him we can talk about it tomorrow. As I attempt the impossible task of falling asleep, I can’t stop crying. I keep thinking, “I’ve been replaced by this girl. I’m going to lose my best friend.” When morning comes, Peter explains he likes this girl and he wants to be with her instead of me. He said he didn’t expect this to happen and that he’s sorry for hurting me like this. I numbly tell him I understand and want him to be happy. He walks me to my car, gives me a hug and that was the last time I spoke to him until one night in late April.

Three months later, I was at a bar with my coworkers trying to have a good time but I just wasn’t feeling up for getting “totally wasted” like they were that night. I get on snapchat and randomly send a picture to some people saying I was bored at this bar. I had had a couple of drinks so I was feeling more daring than normal so I snapchatted Peter and his roommate, both of whom I hadn’t talked to since January. I didn’t expect either of them to respond but they both did. Peter says they are having a party at their apartment and that I should come and his roommate says the same thing. I’m kind of in shock but I take a chance and go to their party. When I get there, it feels so surreal. I see Peter and he looks at me and smiles so big that I start to blush. I had missed him so much but was devastated after he left me for that girl, I had so many feelings hit me at once. We drink together and talk all night until about 3 or 4 in the morning. He explains the girl from vacation broke up with him a couple weeks ago and that she got back together with her ex. We talk about how we’ve been and how our semesters went and it felt like I had my best friend back. We hook up that night and in the morning I feel regret. How could I do this after he broke my heart? I felt stupid and didn’t talk to him for a couple of days after that. After those couple of days, we start to texting and hanging out like we used to. We were also hooking up and I felt so happy that I didn’t care if he didn’t want to be with my exclusively because at the time I didn’t want to either.

Over the summer, I knew Peter would hang out with other girls and hook up with this one girl in particular while he was still hooking up with me. Peter wouldn’t tell me when he hooked up with this girl so in his mind he thought “I’m not technically lying”, I on the other hand believed that it was lying. If I’m going to continuously have sex with someone and they start having sex with someone else, I’d for sure like to be informed because of health risks. I would try not to get jealous and be upset with him but it was so hard to control how I felt. I tried to talk to other guys and go on dates but I couldn’t get Peter out of my mind.

The last couple of months, I’ve been struggling with my feelings for him. I know I love him. I hate that I do sometimes but I can’t control how I feel. He doesn’t respect me when it comes to telling me the truth about him hooking up with other girls and I’ve been waiting too damn long for him to be with me. I want to be in a happy, healthy relationship with him but he still doesn’t want a relationship right now. He knows how I feel about him but I don’t think he knows I’m truly in love with him. So I don’t know if I should:

 

A.) Tell him that being with him like this is too hurtful so let’s just be friend’s (which we’ve tried already and failed)

B.) Tell him how I really feel and see if he wants to give it a shot or

C.) Stop talking to him for good

[StBreton]

The two of you have spent considerable time together. If this guy just wanted to be with you...he would be. You're his "plan B" ... It's sad to say that but I don't want to encourage you to put all your eggs in his basket. It has nothing to do with you per se... he just doesn't feel that deeply about you as a future partner. He obviously cares about you very much though.

 

I know you can't think of other guys when you're with him so the best thing to do is go NC ... do not speak with him at all. It might take several months to mellow the deep feelings you have for him but they will subside and you'll be ready to let someone else in your heart.