Boyfriend's brother is living with us..

[acapelo_dp]

acapelo_dp, I am sorry the loss of your mother. You have learned very much so quickly. You are not selfish. Human, hopeful, a work in progress like the bunch of us.

Stay your course love. Best wishes

 

Thank you for your kind words. It made me tear up. I feel really emotional and torn right now like I'm an awful person but I can't help my feelings. You are sweet.

[basil67]

That could be true. He doesn't make any effort to make new friends. Based on his pictures from university he had a few friends. He and one other brother of my boyfriends is like that - very secluded and introverted. I think he just genuinely doesn't want human interaction or needs very little. I just don't know..

 

How many of these points describe him?

 

*average or above-average intelligence

 

*difficulties with high-level language skills such as verbal reasoning, problem solving, making inferences and predictions

 

*difficulties in empathising with others

 

*problems with understanding another person’s point of view

 

*difficulties engaging in social routines such as conversations and ‘small talk’

 

*problems with controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety

 

*a preference for routines and schedules which can result in stress or anxiety if a routine is disrupted

 

*specialised fields of interest or hobbies.

[Els]

His mother died when he was young and their father is living in another province struggling financially himself, so his dad is unable to support him at this point. Which I think is sad because I really love his father - he's a great person but can hardly find work at age 63.

 

Ah, okay. That's a tough situation all around - I empathize. I guess I can understand why your bf feels he has to baby his little brother, but unfortunately that's just going to make things worse. Now, more than ever, his brother needs to learn to be an adult and independent. Him living with his brother and gf who pay for everything and do all his cooking and cleaning for him is not going to do that.

 

I also don't think you're being selfish at all. If your bf was truly just being a concerned brother, he would (1) not have lied to you about things, (2) talked to you about potential compromises, (3) have been a lot more considerate and asked your opinion before letting his brother stay at the place that you rent together, and offered to pay more of the rent himself. He isn't even trying to get professional help for his brother (if needed) to try and solve the problem, he's just letting things drag on and on. You are absolutely right to leave.

 

And no fortunately I'm not on the lease it's just my boyfriend so I can leave as I please which is nice. My boyfriend said he doesn't want me to leave but there's constant arguments regarding his brother so it has to happen. I'm pretty upset right now to be honest. After over two years I wish it could just me him and I but I have a feeling he's going to be supporting his brother for awhile. I don't feel like he cares that much if i leave...

 

You have to do what's best for you in this case. Your bf isn't looking out for you, so you have to look out for yourself. Give him the requisite month's notice, pay your last month of rent, and start looking for places.

[Els]

 

I think you are projecting your own struggles on to your boyfriend's little brother, as if you work 3 jobs, why can't your boyfriend's little brother? It seems like that is what you expect him to do. You can't do that because that is not fair to his little brother who has his own path to live, his own struggles to overcome that are none of your business.

 

How is it none of her business when she is paying part of the rent, cooking for him, and cleaning for him!? Everyone has troubles in life, lots of people have lost a parent or loved one in some way or another. While grievous, that does not entitle us to have another woman wait on us while we live in her house and do nothing but play video games.

 

If the brother were truly just a struggling kid who was grateful for his brother's help, he would at the very least be keeping his room clean (10 yo kids are expected to do this for chrissakes) and pitching in with the housework if he can't contribute financially. He would also be learning to cook cheaper meals instead of taking money from his brother to buy pizza, and offering to cook for the OP and her bf sometimes.

 

The OP is absolutely within her rights to not want any part in that.

[kendahke]

The OP is absolutely within her rights to not want any part in that.

 

and to move out, as she's doing, since she's not on the lease and won't be breaking a contract. That's the best way for her to solve all of this.

 

She never should have moved in in September, since she knew full well what was going on with his brother over the course of the last 2 years and especially his bad turn of events in May. This didn't just spring up on Sunday.

[veggirl]

I would neverrrr pay 1/2 the rent while some deadbeat immature man-child lives for free! If anything your bf should be paying 2/3 if he wants to support his brother!

 

You're doing the right thing, OP. Your bf will never turn his back on his brother (which can be an attractive quality, for sure!) but things are never going to get better if they flow along this way. Are you going to stay together and live separately or break up?

[turnera]

Bolded. His little brother is not a deadbeat.

He hasn't looked for real work for SIX MONTHS. He sleeps until noon. He only THIS WEEK did a single chore in the place, and that was only upon duress. He can't even get hired for dishwashing.

 

What's YOUR definition of a deadbeat?

 

I feel like I'm watching You, Me, and Dupree.

 

OP, you said 22, university, and May. Does that mean he now has a college degree?

[kgcolonel]

OP, your BF is allowing his emotions regarding his brother to dictate his actions however this as the previous poster said, this will make it worse rather than better. He is enabling his little brother.

 

Your are doing the right thing, I understand you have strong feelings for your BF however you should take a step back and take note of his ability or lack there of to prioritize you in his life. Be thankful that this surfaced now rather than after a M. I would be re-evaluating my relationship in addition to moving out. Are you okay with being second to a man-child who isn't looking for work and is satisfied living off his big brother. I had the exact same thing in my life with my younger brother. I set requirements that he had to meet to continue my support. When he failed, I had to be strong enough to allow the consequences to occur, your BF should be doing the same. My younger brother is now self sufficient and my wife is number one.

 

Forget those calling you selfish, you BF's brother is old enough to know that he should be at the very least looking earnestly for work and to become independent. He is using your BF as a surrogate father.

 

ENABLING....don't be a part of it...

[turnera]

btw, your boyfriend feels responsible for his little brother, since their mom died when the brother was still a kid. Not to mention that he's the older brother. That stuff isn't going to just go away. What you CAN do, though, is help him see that GIVING him stuff is not HELPING him. Setting good, logical goals to achieve would be helping him.

[acapelo_dp]

He hasn't looked for real work for SIX MONTHS. He sleeps until noon. He only THIS WEEK did a single chore in the place, and that was only upon duress. He can't even get hired for dishwashing.

 

What's YOUR definition of a deadbeat?

 

I feel like I'm watching You, Me, and Dupree.

 

OP, you said 22, university, and May. Does that mean he now has a college degree?

 

Sorry I forgot to mention his brother went to university in a different province 2 and a half years ago and failed out. He applied to the local university in this city but did not get in. Right now , after being pushed for a month, he is just starting to write his appeal letter to the the school in his home province to go back next September. He only finished two years of school so far

[acapelo_dp]

I would neverrrr pay 1/2 the rent while some deadbeat immature man-child lives for free! If anything your bf should be paying 2/3 if he wants to support his brother!

 

You're doing the right thing, OP. Your bf will never turn his back on his brother (which can be an attractive quality, for sure!) but things are never going to get better if they flow along this way. Are you going to stay together and live separately or break up?

 

Yeah I'm kind of regretting helping out so much financially when his family can get a free ride. I feel kind of used.

 

And we aren't breaking up but just living separate. He still said he wants me to stay here but isn't pushing too hard for it. It's going to be tough because it's expensive to live by myself but i will have to

[turnera]

Please understand that your boyfriend has a deep-seated Savior Complex when it comes to his brother. And his brother is now a grown man with NO drive and UTTER willingness to leech off of other people. It IS his personality. It will never go away.

 

If you two stay together, you'd better be prepared for funding his brother for the rest of y'all's lives.

 

I'm not kidding.

[acapelo_dp]

Please understand that your boyfriend has a deep-seated Savior Complex when it comes to his brother. And his brother is now a grown man with NO drive and UTTER willingness to leech off of other people. It IS his personality. It will never go away.

 

If you two stay together, you'd better be prepared for funding his brother for the rest of y'all's lives.

 

I'm not kidding.

 

You are right. I think he enjoys taking care of his little brother to an extent. I am sitting at home on a holiday off and they both went to the cafe at 8am together to sit on their computers all day. Funny, his little brother hardly gets up at noon any other day. I just made a chore list and left a note on his bedroom door to air out/clean up his room. Someone needs to take action so I will be helping him learn some life skills before I leave.

 

This is going to be a problem for the rest of his life I think unfortunately. He told me yesterday that I have "no idea how much this stresses me out, and no 25 year old is in this situation" however my boyfriend is the one who moved him here and enables him??? I don't understand it. One bit. But I am fed up.

[turnera]

He enjoys it in the sense that it feeds his ego. Feeds his Emotional Need for Admiration. Which is what YOU should be doing for him; instead, he gets his EN met by his brother. In other words, psychologically, he will always be drawn more to him than you, unless he addresses it.

[acapelo_dp]

He enjoys it in the sense that it feeds his ego. Feeds his Emotional Need for Admiration. Which is what YOU should be doing for him; instead, he gets his EN met by his brother. In other words, psychologically, he will always be drawn more to him than you, unless he addresses it.

 

That sounds quite scary actually..

I spoke about this with his father one time as well, and after his mother died my boyfriend kind of took the role of looking after everyone. I think you are completely right. I mean, my boyfriend has about $8000 in credit card racked up due to taking care of family the past two years and now that he only has the one brother it is slowly going down but he still gives him money all the time for leisure things. That is why we can never go on trips for a long time until he pays that down.

 

So do you mean feeds his ego in the sense that someone needs him? I should have thought this before, it's a good discussion.

[turnera]

Yes. I recommend you read the book His Needs Her Needs. It discussed the psychology behind why we want what we want, but written in terms of marriages (or relationships). We each have our own set of Emotional Needs, and we marry someone expecting that person to be the one main person who will meet those needs for us. For men, the top 5 usually include Sex, Admiration, and Recreation. For women, it's usually more like Conversation, Honesty, and Support (financial, home-based, protection).

 

Your bf no longer needs your admiration because he's getting it from being the Savior of the family. That's why he can go have coffee with his brother, but he may ditch you when YOU want to go somewhere. He needs his brother's and dad's implied gratitude.

 

It also likely includes some sense of guilt - maybe he wasn't close enough to his brother before their mom died, stuff like that. So he feels honor-bound to protect him. But, like many ill-educated parents who spoil their kids, he thinks giving and giving is what his brother needs.

 

You can try addressing this, but remember that if you do it in a sense of 'you're a disappointment to me' he will quit listening and just see you as a killjoy. Your best bet is to get him to go to at least one or two therapy sessions so he can hear it from a professional.

[Els]

 

This is going to be a problem for the rest of his life I think unfortunately. He told me yesterday that I have "no idea how much this stresses me out, and no 25 year old is in this situation" however my boyfriend is the one who moved him here and enables him??? I don't understand it. One bit. But I am fed up.

 

What does he say when you explain that he's enabling his brother and actually crippling him for the rest of his adult life by doing this? It's one thing to support a brother who's actually trying by studying hard or working hard but just earning too little money. Another thing entirely to support a brother who doesn't work yet needs to be instructed to wash the dishes. The longer he enables this, the more entitled little bro will become, and he will be in for a rude awakening when he encounters the real world.

 

Regardless, I very much agree with your decision to move out. If it's too expensive to live alone, perhaps consider getting roommates (with good references), or a small studio?

[acapelo_dp]

What does he say when you explain that he's enabling his brother and actually crippling him for the rest of his adult life by doing this? It's one thing to support a brother who's actually trying by studying hard or working hard but just earning too little money. Another thing entirely to support a brother who doesn't work yet needs to be instructed to wash the dishes. The longer he enables this, the more entitled little bro will become, and he will be in for a rude awakening when he encounters the real world.

 

Regardless, I very much agree with your decision to move out. If it's too expensive to live alone, perhaps consider getting roommates (with good references), or a small studio?

 

I've spoken to my boyfriend a few times about him enabling and he agrees with me but then I find he continues the behaviour. Today I actually made up a chore list for the guy and sent my boyfriend a list of jobs for his rother to apply for. I could understand as well if his brother was trying but he isn't trying hard at all, he is quite comfortable to sit at home and do nothing all day. My boyfriend agrees with me when I have discussions but turns around and continues and the cycle continues...

 

And yeah I could consider getting a roomate again. I'm actually going to look at a studio apartment that is $800 per month everything included. Close to my work and downtown which is a lot but my terrible for the city. I used to pay around that with a roomate in a two bedroom.

[turnera]

My boyfriend agrees with me when I have discussions but turns around and continues and the cycle continues...

This is what you have to look forward to.

[acapelo_dp]

Just need to vent a little.

 

I made up a chore list for the house and his little brother is on it and does everything on the days my boyfriend and I both work. We do it on our days off. I noticed yesterday after coming home from work and the gym that he had done nothing and checked nothing off. Then my boyfriend and his brother proceeded to drink beer and play video games together and my boyfriend told his brother he would take him to sit at the cafe when he takes me to work at 7am.

 

So this morning I wake up at 6am to get ready for work and at 6:46am I hear his little brothers alarm going off. No, no I said. I told my bf you need to speak with your brother and he needs to do his chores that he missed yesterday, funny how he can wake up at 7am to do activities he enjoys but through the week he doesn't get up until noon. I felt like a mom this morning. I told my boyfriend he was rewarding his brother with supper and beer and taking him out today while I'm working. Enabler.... Still.

[nescafe1982]

I felt like a mom this morning. I told my boyfriend he was rewarding his brother with supper and beer and taking him out today while I'm working.

 

Frustrating. Just keep your head down, OP, and stick to your plan to move out on the 1st as planned. There's not much point in fighting this battle with your BF and his brother if you're moving in a few weeks time.

 

I would be rethinking the prospects of a relationship with this man at this stage, honestly. This pattern is not going to get better by your intervention. Only the BF can change it, and while he pays you lip-service when you talk, his actions communicate that he sees not problem with the status quo.

 

He may not be available for the kind of settled romantic relationship you want. There's a chance that after you move he will see just how disfunctional this whole thing is... but there's a better chance that this issue is irreconcilable and will always be that way.

 

But until you move, keep your head down and keep your nerve up. Don't stay in a home life (or a relationship) that makes you so unhappy. Good wishes.

[turnera]

Start doing the 180. That means live as if you were single. You'll be moving out soon so just get started on that mindset.

[anika99]

I agree with every point of view in this thread. Your BF is enabling his little brother and the little brother is taking advantage of your BF. Likewise you are right to feel like you shouldn't have to support and caretaker a healthy young man.

 

However your BF and his brother have some issues that are not just going to go away overnight. It was highly arrogant of you to think you could just move in with theses guys and change things or get rid of the brother. While I sympathize with your position I think your BF is right to let you leave while he figures out this situation with his brother. You living there and adding pressure isn't going to help.

 

You say your BF lost his mom when he was only 17 which means the brother was only 14 when he lost his mom and he possibly took the loss very hard. OP I'm sorry you lost your mom too, but you cannot say that everyone should handle their loss just like you handle yours. The dynamics may have been entirely different. Your BF apparently took over as a parent to his brother and feels responsible for him. Maybe he feels like he owes it to his mom to take care of his brother. And the little brother does sound depressed, not just lazy. It's not normal for a man his age to have no friends and no life. As someone else said, even lazy bums still like to go out and socialize.

 

Your BF and his brother probably need individual counselling to deal with their baggage. They started this unhealthy dependence on each other years ago and they probably don't even know how come or why it has to change. They probably both need grief counselling for starters. You too OP. Just because you soldier and didn't get any support when your mom passed doesn't mean your coping in a healthy way. If you truly have never opened up and leaned on anyone for support than you might be bottling a lot up and that's not good for you.

 

Move out, encourage your BF to get support, and maybe in a year or so you two can try living together again but not before your BF and his brother on the right path to getting healthy.

[Els]

How is the new place going, OP?