Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 People who live under somebody elses roof are expected to pay money toward utilities and rent. If that is not a possibility then that person should be doing all household chores, to earn the advantages they are receiving without contributing. He may be socially awkward or even depressed, but while you guys are out working he's home alone and could do all chores from top to bottom without any social awkwardness factor even entering the equation. Not just half heartedly washing some dishes here and there. He is taking advantage of you. Both of you. Would a best friend do that? That's exactly what I have told my boyfriend - that he is taking advantage of my boyfriend and now me. My boyfriend pays for his cell phone, food, and even paid $160 a month the past 4 months for him to go to a kickboxing class. My boyfriends response was that he doesn't mind paying for physical activity because his younger brother is pretty overweight. I don't understand it. He could go for a walk or a run or get out the house. Instead his younger brother doesn't get up until noon and either goes to the cafe and sits around or sits around at the house all day long. My boyfriend is enabling him bad and I've been the one to shut that down right away. I can't be the one being the "parent". Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 That's exactly what I have told my boyfriend - that he is taking advantage of my boyfriend and now me. My boyfriend pays for his cell phone, food, and even paid $160 a month the past 4 months for him to go to a kickboxing class. My boyfriends response was that he doesn't mind paying for physical activity because his younger brother is pretty overweight. I don't understand it. He could go for a walk or a run or get out the house. Instead his younger brother doesn't get up until noon and either goes to the cafe and sits around or sits around at the house all day long. My boyfriend is enabling him bad and I've been the one to shut that down right away. I can't be the one being the "parent". His younger brother is fat? No excuses then, leave both of them. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 That's exactly what I have told my boyfriend - that he is taking advantage of my boyfriend and now me. My boyfriend pays for his cell phone, food, and even paid $160 a month the past 4 months for him to go to a kickboxing class. My boyfriends response was that he doesn't mind paying for physical activity because his younger brother is pretty overweight. I don't understand it. He could go for a walk or a run or get out the house. Instead his younger brother doesn't get up until noon and either goes to the cafe and sits around or sits around at the house all day long. My boyfriend is enabling him bad and I've been the one to shut that down right away. I can't be the one being the "parent". You are not going to change that dynamic. This dynamic has been in place since they were both children. It's up to your boyfriend to change how he treats with his brother and if he's not there, no amount of complaining about it is going to get him there. It would have been better had your boyfriend moved in to your place or you two got your own place together without the brother. As it stands you moved into their home. You either learn to live with it or move because you can't make either of them change who they are. As I said above, you moved in knowing this... I'm not sure what you thought your presence there would do, other than helping your boyfriend afford to support his brother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 You are not going to change that dynamic. This dynamic has been in place since they were both children. It's up to your boyfriend to change how he treats with his brother and if he's not there, no amount of complaining about it is going to get him there. It would have been better had your boyfriend moved in to your place or you two got your own place together without the brother. As it stands you moved into their home. You either learn to live with it or move because you can't make either of them change who they are. As I said above, you moved in knowing this... I'm not sure what you thought your presence there would do, other than helping your boyfriend afford to support his brother. I had a roommate in a two bedroom apartment before this. If we got our own place it would be the same situation - his brother would have had to come with us or be homeless since he is unemployed. But like I said I can always move out and I will. Nothing has changed and I realize it won't. I tried it and it didn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 So his social awkwardness abates enough when he's attending his $160 a month kickboxing class but suddenly returns in full force when it comes to actively seeking and maintaining a job? _Makes nose growing motion_ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 So his social awkwardness abates enough when he's attending his $160 a month kickboxing class but suddenly returns in full force when it comes to actively seeking and maintaining a job? _Makes nose growing motion_ Exactly.... I'm going to view a bachelor suite this week that looks pretty decent. It's more money but it would be worth it in the end. He just came out of his room and it smells like something died in his G damn room. I'm sick of this. I'd be embarrassed if roles were reversed and my lazy bother was living with us. I would never permit it. And I know because my brother used to be lazy but my dad kicked his butt into gear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 We just talked about it and my boyfriend admitted his brother won't be out for a least a few months until he gets money and a job. My boyfriend told me he had told his bro he would have to be out by the end of December so he essentially lied. Then I told my boyfriend I'll be moving out then and he doesn't seem too concerned. I'm so upset and angry right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 We just talked about it and my boyfriend admitted his brother won't be out for a least a few months until he gets money and a job. My boyfriend told me he had told his bro he would have to be out by the end of December so he essentially lied. Then I told my boyfriend I'll be moving out then and he doesn't seem too concerned. I'm so upset and angry right now. So be it. Your boyfriend will soon learn that having a lazy sibling around that you now have to support financially alone, as well as paying 100% of the bills and taking care of 100% of the chores, is a lot less attractive than having your lovely, employed, active, hygienic partner to cosy up to at night. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 So be it. Your boyfriend will soon learn that having a lazy sibling around that you now have to support financially alone, as well as paying 100% of the bills and taking care of 100% of the chores, is a lot less attractive than having your lovely, employed, active, hygienic partner to cosy up to at night. Yup he can enjoy his best friend who uses him for money. I told him I'll be out by December 1st so I guess apartment hunting it is.... I'm so stupid for getting myself into this situation and thinking it would change. Lesson learned for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You are not stupid. If you were you would not have learned the lessons this taught you & you would be sitting & wallowing rather than working to fix your situation so you end up happier. Perhaps once you are out, your BF will recognize he got the raw end of the deal but I wouldn't count on it. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 No one is forcing her to do the clean up. It is true that in many cases the cleaning provides an environment that is far more valuable to the woman than it is to the man, yet women always think men should value it at the same level as they do. What men (and women) need to learn however, if you value your partner, what is valuable to them should be valuable to you Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 There is a lot of slamming of your boyfriend's kid brother going on - and yes, he could be just lazy. But I can't help but wonder if he has a mild intellectual disability or social skill disorder. It would explain all of the current dynamic. If this is the case, he's not lazy or using you - he's a guy who needs support and direction to get everything in place. And a bit of ongoing support to keep things right. I understand that you're angry and frustrated, but take a step back for a minute and have a look at this guy objectively. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 There is a lot of slamming of your boyfriend's kid brother going on - and yes, he could be just lazy. But I can't help but wonder if he has a mild intellectual disability or social skill disorder. It would explain all of the current dynamic. If this is the case, he's not lazy or using you - he's a guy who needs support and direction to get everything in place. And a bit of ongoing support to keep things right. The brother simply sounds like a bum to me, but if indeed it's somebody's job to provide support and direction, it's definitely not the OP's. She's wise to gtfo of this mess. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 There is a lot of slamming of your boyfriend's kid brother going on - and yes, he could be just lazy. But I can't help but wonder if he has a mild intellectual disability or social skill disorder. It would explain all of the current dynamic. If this is the case, he's not lazy or using you - he's a guy who needs support and direction to get everything in place. And a bit of ongoing support to keep things right. I understand that you're angry and frustrated, but take a step back for a minute and have a look at this guy objectively. ^This. It's quite possible that your boyfriend's little brother has a lot going on that you don't know about. Maybe he'd be worse off if he wasn't living with your boyfriend. It was a mistake for you think that your boyfriend would kick his little brother out once you moved in with them. Blood is always thicker than water. It's best that you move out by the end of December, to save your relationship with your boyfriend and maintain some space while you two figure out the future of your relationship. It won't change anything either, if you taped a list of "chores" for the little brother to do, because you're not his mother despite the fact that you're his brother's girlfriend who pays half the expenses. You agreed to do that, when you agreed to move in with your boyfriend, knowing his little brother lived there rent-free, expense-free. So, for you to demand that his little brother shape up or ship out, crosses the line. Your boyfriend is supporting his little brother because he wants to. You can't force your boyfriend to choose between your or his brother. And if you do that, it's wrong for many reasons. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 The brother simply sounds like a bum to me, but if indeed it's somebody's job to provide support and direction, it's definitely not the OP's. She's wise to gtfo of this mess. I think it's everybody's job to provide kindness and support to those who need it. That being said, if support IS needed the boyfriend needs to do the lions share - and get some professional assistance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 ^This. It's quite possible that your boyfriend's little brother has a lot going on that you don't know about. Maybe he'd be worse off if he wasn't living with your boyfriend. It was a mistake for you think that your boyfriend would kick his little brother out once you moved in with them. Blood is always thicker than water. It's best that you move out by the end of December, to save your relationship with your boyfriend and maintain some space while you two figure out the future of your relationship. It won't change anything either, if you taped a list of "chores" for the little brother to do, because you're not his mother despite the fact that you're his brother's girlfriend who pays half the expenses. You agreed to do that, when you agreed to move in with your boyfriend, knowing his little brother lived there rent-free, expense-free. So, for you to demand that his little brother shape up or ship out, crosses th Your boyfriend is supporting his little brother because he wants to. You can't force your boyfriend to choose between your or his brother. And if you do that, it's wrong for many reasons. His brother doesn't have a disability , he is actually very intelligent and we often take him out with our friends and he can be social. He isn't a bad guy I just cannot for the life of me stand living with him. I would not make my boyfriend choose between and that is why I will move out. I didn't expect his brother to be kicked out, I expected his brother to do well for himself and get a job and a life of his own. I secretly think my boyfriend enjoys taking care of him because I sure would not put up with this from my brother despite me loving him very much. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I think it's everybody's job to provide kindness and support to those who need it. That being said, if support IS needed the boyfriend needs to do the lions share - and get some professional assistance. Sure. Assuming the brother is a guy in legitimate need of assistance. As opposed to being a bum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 His brother doesn't have a disability , he is actually very intelligent and we often take him out with our friends and he can be social. High intelligence does not mean that someone doesn't have a disability. The fact that he doesn't have his own friends does indicate that there is something up. Even lazy bums mostly have friends. How did he cope back in school? Was he bullied? Did he understand how to have friends then? There are some highly intelligent people who don't understand social cues and expectations of society such as cleanliness, pulling their own weight and being able to keep a job. I am NOT diagnosing your BFs kid brother, but issues such as Aspergers come to mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 High intelligence does not mean that someone doesn't have a disability. The fact that he doesn't have his own friends does indicate that there is something up. Even lazy bums mostly have friends. How did he cope back in school? Was he bullied? Did he understand how to have friends then? There are some highly intelligent people who don't understand social cues and expectations of society such as cleanliness, pulling their own weight and being able to keep a job. I am NOT diagnosing your BFs kid brother, but issues such as Aspergers come to mind. That could be true. He doesn't make any effort to make new friends. Based on his pictures from university he had a few friends. He and one other brother of my boyfriends is like that - very secluded and introverted. I think he just genuinely doesn't want human interaction or needs very little. I just don't know.. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I dont believe your story at all. Women are very emotional, not rational. Maybe his brother is actually having a hard time getting a job, maybe he is depressed. You want him to magically get a job and leave. If my brother throw me out because of a girl, I would never speak to him again. Girls come and go. Brotherhood is forever. If your brother coddles you by letting you sit around doing nothing except playing video games all day at 22 years of age, he isn't a true brother. He's an enabler. You sound a lot more emotional than the OP tbh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 (edited) We just talked about it and my boyfriend admitted his brother won't be out for a least a few months until he gets money and a job. My boyfriend told me he had told his bro he would have to be out by the end of December so he essentially lied. Then I told my boyfriend I'll be moving out then and he doesn't seem too concerned. I'm so upset and angry right now. Is there a reason the brother isn't living with his mom and dad? I mean, if anyone is 'responsible' in any way for him, if should be them. I'm saying this as someone who understands that siblings help each other out - I know folks who supported their sibling through college, but the sibling was actually studying hard and doing well in college, not being a bum. Very different. At least if your bf's little brother wants to live like a kid, if he lives with mom and dad he will truly live like a kid, with them having the authority to enforce rules on him. This way he's getting the best of both worlds so of course he ain't gonna change. I think your bf's response was really worrisome and I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship entirely in your position. Moving out is a good first step but things are unlikely to change in the future, at most they will only improve temporarily then go downhill again once little brother loses his next job. How is your lease with him? If you move out within the next month are you still liable to pay rent? Edited November 11, 2015 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Is there a reason the brother isn't living with his mom and dad? I mean, if anyone is 'responsible' in any way for him, if should be them. I'm saying this as someone who understands that siblings help each other out - my SO helped support his brother through college, and I'm totally fine with that. The difference is that his brother was actually studying hard and doing well in college, not being a bum. There is no way he would have enabled his brother to sit around doing nothing. At least if your bf's little brother wants to live like a kid, if he lives with mom and dad he will truly live like a kid, with them having the authority to enforce rules on him. This way he's getting the best of both worlds so of course he ain't gonna change. I think your bf's response was really worrisome and I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship entirely in your position. Moving out is a good first step but things are unlikely to change in the future, at most they will only improve temporarily then go downhill again once little brother loses his next job. How is your lease with him? If you move out within the next month are you still liable to pay rent? His mother died when he was young and their father is living in another province struggling financially himself, so his dad is unable to support him at this point. Which I think is sad because I really love his father - he's a great person but can hardly find work at age 63. And no fortunately I'm not on the lease it's just my boyfriend so I can leave as I please which is nice. My boyfriend said he doesn't want me to leave but there's constant arguments regarding his brother so it has to happen. I'm pretty upset right now to be honest. After over two years I wish it could just me him and I but I have a feeling he's going to be supporting his brother for awhile. I don't feel like he cares that much if i leave... Link to post Share on other sites
lemoncello Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 (edited) His mother died when he was young and their father is living in another province struggling financially himself, so his dad is unable to support him at this point. Which I think is sad because I really love his father - he's a great person but can hardly find work at age 63. And no fortunately I'm not on the lease it's just my boyfriend so I can leave as I please which is nice. My boyfriend said he doesn't want me to leave but there's constant arguments regarding his brother so it has to happen. I'm pretty upset right now to be honest. After over two years I wish it could just me him and I but I have a feeling he's going to be supporting his brother for awhile. I don't feel like he cares that much if i leave... Bolded. His little brother is not a deadbeat. I think it's great that your boyfriend is looking after his little brother because your boyfriend is the only stable family member that his little brother has. How would you feel if you were the little brother? You know, not everyone has a stable family unit or comes from a family of means. I admire your boyfriend for making sure that his little brother has a roof over his head, food to eat, and lends him money to take classes that help him feel better about himself. I think it's very short-sighted the way that you overlook the fact that your boyfriend, is literally the ONLY family his little brother has. Like I said, blood is thicker than water. Frankly, you don't deserve your boyfriend because you can't see the bigger picture here. I think you are very spoiled and self-centered. You are incapable of letting your boyfriend be a big brother to his little brother because you need to be 100% the center of attention. Learn to share. Can you do that? If you truly want to be with your boyfriend you will need to drop that chip on your shoulder and learn to accept that his little brother will always be in his life, and may live with him until he's ready to move out, once he finds a stable job with a decent income. Until you move out, try to be more gracious and respectful towards your boyfriend and less whiny and bitchy about your boyfriend's littler brother. Edited November 11, 2015 by lemoncello 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 (edited) Bolded. His little brother is not a deadbeat. I think it's great that your boyfriend is looking after his little brother because your boyfriend is the only stable family member that his little brother has. How would you feel if you were the little brother? You know, not everyone has a stable family unit or comes from a family of means. I admire your boyfriend for making sure that his little brother has a roof over his head, food to eat, and lends him money to take classes that help him feel better about himself. I think it's very short-sighted the way that you overlook the fact that your boyfriend, is literally the ONLY family his little brother has. Like I said, blood is thicker than water. Frankly, you don't deserve your boyfriend because you can't see the bigger picture here. I think you are very spoiled and self-centered. You are incapable of letting your boyfriend be a big brother to his little brother because you need to be 100% the center of attention. Learn to share. Can you do that? If you truly want to be with your boyfriend you will need to drop that chip on your shoulder and learn to accept that his little brother will always be in his life, and may live with him until he's ready to move out, once he finds a stable job with a decent income. Until you move out, try to be more gracious and respectful towards your boyfriend and less whiny and bitchy about your boyfriend's littler brother. My mother died a year and a half ago and I've never talked about it to anyone. I'm still dealing with it emotionally I have a lot of guilt I could lot see her before she passed. My brother is depressed and doesn't talk to anyone because of it. Don't tell me I don't understand and I'm spoiled. I am far from it. I was raised to be hard working and I've held three jobs at a time before. I grew up poor and in an unstable home with lots of fighting. But like I said I'm not making my bf choose so I'm moving out. If I was selfish I would have told my boyfriend to kick him out but id feel awful. Edited November 11, 2015 by acapelo_dp 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 acapelo_dp, I am sorry the loss of your mother. You have learned very much so quickly. You are not selfish. Human, hopeful, a work in progress like the bunch of us. Stay your course love. Best wishes 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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