sandylee1 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 This is why I never wanted to move into a guy's house ....it doesn't feel like 'ours' ..but more like your bachelor pad. My husband rented out his house and we bought one together. She needs to be more tactful......but I imagine she just feels like an additional item in the place and is trying to put some feminine touches to the place. Is she replacing existing furnishings or adding to them? Try and get her to discuss things before just changing stuff... compromise. It's worrying you feel this way after 2 weeks though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Completely replacing things and buying new I come home from work a couple times and it is like a new home. She isn't just an additional item, she is my wife but it is tough to let go of some things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 I guess all of this wouldn't matter so much but not really having sex just kinda piles on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 However, too many times this is split up as "Guy gets basement or garage, woman gets the rest of the house." Shoot, I married my wife hoping she would do something with "the rest of the house". My existing decor of bricks, boards and bar mirrors was getting dated ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
emi Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Why you hadnt talked with her before all the decisions have been made? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Cruise is another problem entirely. Last time i was on one, I was sick the entire time. I let her have the big wedding and pick the honeymoon and I suppose that was a mistake Two weeks on a cruise ship....... I think you should have told her you got sick the last time and not agreed to go. Just tell her that you understand she wants some of her taste around the house... but you'd like to do it together and have both of your ideas in the new stuff. It can be fun shopping together and perhaps if you can discuss one room at a time that would work better. It shouldn't be about one person's taste over the other. I can sense that your interpretation is that she thinks you haven't got good taste and is now replacing things......which would make most people ticked off. You have to be sensitive in how you raise the issue though..because she may well get upset and go the extreme opposite.......leaving everything as is and not feeling like this is her home. It's YOUR house because you bought it before marriage..... that in itself can lead some women to feel insecure.....now she's trying to go for the next best thing and make it her HOME .....so that when people visit they know a woman lives there. As others have suggested, a queen sized bed will do the trick ....and you can have fun trying out different beds together. Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Well your other option is to sell the house and you guys go pick out a new one together. I think I would opt to let her change as much as she wanted to. Unless you're an interior decorator its probably going to look better than you had it anyways. She's just trying to make it feel like she isn't living in your old house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I I can't fall asleep in the same bed as her for some reason and i know its starting to hurt her. I guess all of this wouldn't matter so much but not really having sex just kinda piles on. I suspect the 1st part has an impact on the second part 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 I suspect the 1st part has an impact on the second part How So? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 If you have sex with her, what do you do get up & leave? Kick her out of bed? She may feel rejected which in turn dampens her libido. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 If you have sex with her, what do you do get up & leave? Kick her out of bed? She may feel rejected which in turn dampens her libido. Lay there with her till she falls asleep usually, Then I will go sleep on the couch or something. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 OK. You're not a cad. However, the fact that you don't sleep with her may make her feel rejected. You have so much stuff in this brand new marriage that is distressing you. She has to sense all of your discomfort & that can't be helping things. this marriage is as much of a change for her as you, maybe more so because she moved in with you. Have to talked to your wife about any of this stuff? I know in the beginning of my marriage I didn't talk to DH. I kept a lot in because I was so afraid that any sign of weakness or doubt on my part was going to break apart our fledgling union. And although I trust my husband, truth be told back then I didn't know how to trust. I had never been a part of a true team. I am an only child. My parents were older & I took care of them not vice versa. They were also alcoholics which makes them unpredictable & not people I could trust so it was touch for me to open up but when I did & was met with acceptance & somebody who wanted to be my partner, even when he didn't know how either, everything solidified & we became stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Justplainoleme, Some good posts about the house. I could strongly argue that IF you're going to stay there and share YOUR house, she will certainly be justified in making changes to make it OUR house. That can be a HUGE deal for a woman. The don't like old reminders of your single (or dating) days. Work with her and help her come up with ideas to change it and improve it. There's a ton of things that can be done economically, and some will cost you a bit more money. Some that will make a HUGE difference: If your kitchen and master bath are old and outdated... just gut them and do them over from scratch, with input from both of you (and an expert). Those two things will totally change the feel of the house, add value and make both of you feel good. If the kitchen and master bath are pretty nice, update what you can to change the look, perhaps a new counter top, if you don't have oill rubbed bronze fixtures, change them to that, it will change the look. Change the lighting, and the cabinet handles (same bronze). If the appliances are old, change all to new stainless. Tons of things you can do. For the master bath, two sinks, bronze fixtures. Nice lighting Doorless shower (if you have the space), all tile....etc. You get the picture and you will like that stuff. Furniture, tables and pictures make a big difference, too. Whatever you to, put quality in, do not skimp. The price of quality is soon forgotten, but the cheap stuff you'll be reminded forever. These are just ideas, but the point is: Let her do something, help her, and offer input, and just enjoy it. It's part of married life, and the more YOU put into it, the more YOU will get out of it and the happier she will be. Now, if you can sell yours and make a few bucks, and go buy a house together, that might be a nice option. But I can understand, sometime you just can't get what you're leaving (without huge costs), or the market is just lousy, or you can't get the location, etc. So, wherever you live, you want her to call it OUR home. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Lay there with her till she falls asleep usually, Then I will go sleep on the couch or something. Justplain, THIS is solvable, unless one of you is a super snorer. You CAN learn to love to cuddle and sleep with her, and I'd bet she'd like that. Get some professional advise... there's a ton of good ideas about sleeping. I've been there.... and it's frustrating to just lie there for a few hour and just can't get to sleep. With help I've mostly solved that (not perfect, but good enough). There's no way I'd sleep without her, and have gotten to the point when she stays up to watch TV a bit longer, I have a hard time sleeping until she came to bed. Also, a good romp of sex it very sleep producing for a lot of folks.... just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 OK. You're not a cad. However, the fact that you don't sleep with her may make her feel rejected. You have so much stuff in this brand new marriage that is distressing you. She has to sense all of your discomfort & that can't be helping things. this marriage is as much of a change for her as you, maybe more so because she moved in with you. Have to talked to your wife about any of this stuff? I know in the beginning of my marriage I didn't talk to DH. I kept a lot in because I was so afraid that any sign of weakness or doubt on my part was going to break apart our fledgling union. And although I trust my husband, truth be told back then I didn't know how to trust. I had never been a part of a true team. I am an only child. My parents were older & I took care of them not vice versa. They were also alcoholics which makes them unpredictable & not people I could trust so it was touch for me to open up but when I did & was met with acceptance & somebody who wanted to be my partner, even when he didn't know how either, everything solidified & we became stronger. Cad? No i haven't brought it up with her because I don't want her to get upset about these things more so the changing of the house. Sex stuff is starting to annoy me though. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 you have to talk to her. Communication is the only way through these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 I will try talking to her, I just don't want to cause big issues this soon in. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Don't let resentment build up so soon. I think if you both make the effort to stay connected, it will make a huge difference. Don't let the flame die out. Keep up or start regular date nights If you have a close emotional connection...The other things won't be such an issue. Does your wife work? You said when you get home things have changed? I'd be upset if my husband didn't sleep all night in bed with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I will try talking to her, I just don't want to cause big issues this soon in. Issues like poor communication, conflict avoidance, resentment and clear expectations? Like all the things you've described in your posts? "This soon in" is the perfect time to nip these problems in the bud... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Don't let resentment build up so soon. I think if you both make the effort to stay connected, it will make a huge difference. Don't let the flame die out. Keep up or start regular date nights If you have a close emotional connection...The other things won't be such an issue. Does your wife work? You said when you get home things have changed? I'd be upset if my husband didn't sleep all night in bed with me. She Works from home, She is an accountant. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Justplainoleme, You've got some good advice here. You need to talk with her and solve these issues. Sometimes it isn't easy to talk about conflict or things that you disagree in, so, if you have to, brush up on conflict resolution and what to say or not say. Basically, go into it with a positive attitude, and compliment her on things. Like changing the house... yes, dear, thats a good idea, can I help, too... then, I'd like to put some input in... Does she have her own office there? If not, she should. Have a space to her own to work, that's all hers.... and she designs it and you compliment her on it. Your problems are minor now, but need solutions. You marriage is WAY too young to have serious problems. And the success in marriage is a LOT on problem solving. Get a "plan" on how you solve problems, and a way to find solutions... even if you disagree. And you'll have problems in the future and some won't be pleasant. It's a part of being with a SO. And, NEVER take your problems to bed.... ALWAYS have a truce so that going to bed is always loving and comfy for both of you. Deal with it the next day. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Just one more point. You do need to calmly talk with her. Hate to stereotype but many women would not even think this was an issue for you. She just "knows" that she is entitled to redecorate. Probably even more so if she's there all,the time. What's happening to you is one of the unspoken consequences of marriage. Sort of like finding out that she has way too many pairs of shoes. It's just the way it is. Ruminating about it won't make it any better. If she's the cook, she'll want the kitchen arranged her way. No doubt she spends more time "getting ready" in the morning and has way too many lotions and tubes of make up. Guess what? That's the way it is,,too, so learn to adapt. Small battles are not worth fighting. As I did, you will adapt. Venus and Mars and all that nonsense. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Bufo speaks truths & while DH can't understand all of my shoes, he has waaaaayyyyyy more little bottle of stuff then I ever had & it takes him twice as long to do his hair. Point remains: pick your battles . . . carefully. These are not hills on which to die. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 13, 2015 Author Share Posted November 13, 2015 We talked a lot about it tonight and I think worked some things out. Gonna start trying to sleep in the same bed with her. I brought up the cruise but admitted it was my own fault and that we would make the best of it and wouldn't let anything stand in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 We talked a lot about it tonight and I think worked some things out. Gonna start trying to sleep in the same bed with her. I brought up the cruise but admitted it was my own fault and that we would make the best of it and wouldn't let anything stand in the way. Good to hear it. It's hard to adapt, especially as all the space was yours before and now you're sharing it. I can imagine the difficulty in moving in...but nothing is to your taste......strange thing is she's probably thinking you'd appreciate it. After getting married I lived in my husband's apartment for a few months while we househunted and it NEVER felt like home for me. I never brought all my clothes or other stuff over...just the bare minimum knowing we'd be moving. I didn't change anything and I didn't like some of his stuff..but if I was going to live there permanently, I can see how problematic it would have become. I would have wanted my taste reflected in the place and my H is very 'less is more' and it was very space. A typical bachelor pad. I never invited people over...because it always felt like his flat. I didn't even get mail sent there......I left it going to the flat I previously shared with my sister. Even now...We have to compromise. Left to me I'd chuck a few wall hangings away and get new ones..... . . but he refuses to. I'm just waiting till we have a mini earthquake or tremor and I can say it got broken. ? Link to post Share on other sites
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