hooked up with coworker who's now avoiding me

[OneShyGal]

Last week I hooked up twice with one of my coworkers. Now he is avoiding me. I've contacted him on IM and had a couple of light and fun conversations, but it was always ME who instigated it. I would say on a whole he is avoiding/ignoring me which I think is just rude.

 

I don't want to date him, and we were pretty good friends for 2 yrs before this. We have been flirting for several months with enormous amounts of smiles and eye contact. So the right time and place presented itself (twice) and we made out.

 

I can except it if he doesn't want it to happen again, that's FINE! But I'm annoyed that he's now acting this way. Can't we just be friends? Why can't he get past it? Why wouldn't he want to make the situation as comfortable as possible for us?

 

Should I still just try to make contact over IM every few days so it doesn't get too weird?

[Marshbear]

When you find out the answer as to why people act this way let me know. I had the same situation and she still avoids me and is rude. I let it go because it's her problem but, like you, it doesn't have to be uncomfortable. They are making it that way..

[OneShyGal]

Marshbear - do you feel like if you had been more proactive in preserving the friendship then it would have turned out better. I mean they can't hate you if you're always nice to them and email them or chat with them every couple of days, right? I can suck it up to salvage the friendship if that's what I need to do.

[Merin]

Why not just tell him that you can't see any reason why he needs to get wierd.. that you're good to go in keeping the friendship only and you hope he will relax

 

I wouldn't keep on emailing or IM him WITHOUT letting him know straight up you're good to go with not having anything more then friends...

[Minnie]

Sometimes it is just a boundary thing. Til folks work out how to be around someone daily and sometimes email is just too much. How does one instigate a no contact rule when one is really working together. Just have to set up new boundaries.

 

I run into a former friend a good bit and sometimes it causes an icy response.....and sometimes it is more happenstance. I have chosen to just make it my personal best to do what I can to be dignified and kind and caring and forgive. What if they really hate me? We cannot control the worries and limitations of other people but we would not want to add to their stress either.

 

Hope all works out. Prayers are with you.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by OneShyGal

Marshbear - do you feel like if you had been more proactive in preserving the friendship then it would have turned out better. I mean they can't hate you if you're always nice to them and email them or chat with them every couple of days, right? I can suck it up to salvage the friendship if that's what I need to do.

 

I don't know. She still hates me with a passion. I can't speak for your situation but I would have changed mine if I knew what would happen. I used to think she was my friend but now I realize she never was a friend. I tried to salvage ours but you can't if only one of you wants to.

 

Good Luck...

[LucreziaBorgia]

You can't go back to 'friends' if you weren't genuinely friends to begin with. You may have seen it as 'friends' and he may have seen it as 'laying groundwork for more' - guys generally don't do the 'heavy flirt' thing with women unless they have at least some sexual interest (even if they never intend to act on it). When you hooked up, he decided he didn't want more - so he backed off, and won't soon be returning to a 'friends' - because he will no longer need to be laying any groundwork for a relationship he decided he didn't want.

 

The best thing to do is move forward and put this behind you. Act toward him the same way he is acting toward you. He's the skittish one, so he'll have to be the one setting the pace - otherwise he'll make a run for it. If he ignores you, ignore him. If he emails you something, keep the tone and length the same. Watch what he's doing and match his pace. Don't go out of your way to talk to him or spend time with him. That can be interpreted as unwelcome attention (even when you don't intend for it to be).

 

Play it calm, cool and indifferent - even if it kills you to do so. Use the time you used to fill with him toward getting over this loss.

[OneShyGal]

okay, but i feel like if I start ignoring him back, it would make the situation even worse. He obviously feels weird so why should I feed him more of that. I want to just make him realize it's chill...but I don't think he wants to talk about it.

 

You really don't think I should "kill em with kindness & coolness"?

[scarlyjones]

Go back to your post and copy it. Then send that to him. That should explain it all.

[FolderWife]

LEAVE HIM ALONE!!! GIVE HIM SOME SPACE!!!

 

Let me explain:

 

When I feel myself getting close to ANY man, I start to pull away. For instance, I work with this older gentleman who is very friendly. He likes to give hugs and kisses on the cheeck. On his birthday, I was extra nice to him, and I gave him a hug. Later, he came to hug me, and tried to kiss me on the mouth!!!

 

I stopped talking to him cold turkey...we need distance between us for a while.

 

There's this other guy that is really cute and sweet that I work with. We would goof off and chat on Yahoo once in a while. For about three days in a row, I imed with him. I felt myself getting too attached, and decided that since he and I are both MARRIED, that we need to cool it.

 

So I stopped logging on to yahoo for about a week.

 

You and he were friends. you and he were flirty. You and he made out. Now, he's rethinking his position...should he be falling for someone he works with??? Just to be safe, he's backing off.

 

He'll be back to normal...probably within a week.

 

IF YOU'D JUST BACK OFF AND STOP CHASING HIM!!!

[OneShyGal]

It's not that I'm "chasing" him. I'm worried that this is going to slip into something UGLY! The longer we continue in silence the more awkward it will become. Don't you think it's better to "quickly" recapture the friendship?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by OneShyGal

Last week I hooked up twice with one of my coworkers. Now he is avoiding me. I've contacted him on IM and had a couple of light and fun conversations, but it was always ME who instigated it. I would say on a whole he is avoiding/ignoring me which I think is just rude.

 

I don't want to date him, and we were pretty good friends for 2 yrs before this. We have been flirting for several months with enormous amounts of smiles and eye contact. So the right time and place presented itself (twice) and we made out.

 

I can except it if he doesn't want it to happen again, that's FINE! But I'm annoyed that he's now acting this way. Can't we just be friends? Why can't he get past it? Why wouldn't he want to make the situation as comfortable as possible for us?

 

Should I still just try to make contact over IM every few days so it doesn't get too weird?

 

One of the cardinal rules of dating: Never date a co-worker because if it goes sour, you're going to have work trouble. Especially if your company policy prohibits it, it's grounds for discharge.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by OneShyGal

It's not that I'm "chasing" him. I'm worried that this is going to slip into something UGLY! The longer we continue in silence the more awkward it will become. Don't you think it's better to "quickly" recapture the friendship?

 

No. LISTEN TO ME! NO NO NO NO NO!!!

 

Don't be like the thousand other people in the world (including me) who think that they have to fix their relationship NOW. NO!!!!

 

Listen to me!!! Just leave him alone for a WEEK! JUST ONE WEEK! Give him space to decide what he wants to do about you. If he decides he wants to just be friends, then he feels like he needs space to make that happen. If he decides he wants to be more, then he'll let you know.

 

But if he doesn't see what it's like living without you, how is he going to know what he wants? Leave him alone. If you push him right now, he'll feel smothered, and ditch you and your friendship. If you leave him alone (LIKE HE OBVIOUSLY WANTS) then he'll come around to being friends or lovers...whatever he decides.

 

Things just went too far too fast for him, and he needs space to step back and figure out what he's going to do.

 

Stop trying to force him into being your friend or "WHATEVER" leave him alone. It's what he wants. He wants you to leave him alone.

[OneShyGal]

Monday, Monday!

 

Well, when I first read your advice I thought "what a %*#&". But you know what....YOU WERE RIGHT ON!!! I refrained from contacting him for 2 days and then he contacted me. It felt soooooo good to know it was him keeping the lines of communication open. I guess I didn't give him a chance to prove to me that things are okay. I just freaked out about it too soon!

 

 

Things weren't COMPLETELY comfortable...but they were good enough! It's a good start to get our friendship back on track. When I was the one contacting him, I used to think he was avoiding me (taking the long route so he didn't have to pass my office). But now that I waited a couple of days, he actually stopped by my office to chat yesterday. Maybe he freaked out that I wasn't contacting him and thought I was pissed....whatever....at least we're communicating like old times!

 

THANK YOU!!! Your posting helped a lot!

 

OneShyGal

[FolderWife]

*sigh* Glad it worked out.