Girlfriend was "dating" a married man before me.

[llleonidus]

I've been dating a amazing woman for 4 months now and she is everything, understanding, caring, smart. The problem I have is she's told me about 6 weeks ago that her ex was a married man that was her boss she was put with him when she was on a placement from uni. She told me that he lied to her and said he was in the process of getting a devorce and they started dating, it was never a sexual thing as they only slept together 5 times in 6 months but more of an emotional thing! She swears blind that she thought he and his wife were finished and that the relationship ended when he confessed that he had recently slept with his wife around 6 months ago! She has told told me all of this completely by her self and deeply regrets her actions as even when she found out they were actually together she asked him to leave his wife and child because by then she was in love with the guy, he said he would leave her this November! So she walked, she then met me and this guy has still been sniffing around and she's told him to stop messaging her and she's with me now. She tells me everytime he messages but wont ever mention his name to me as she scared I'll try to find him or something!

 

In as no doubt that she's over the guy but I'm struggling with the whole moral aspect of her actions, she says she thought they were going through a divorce but also said she told him to leave his wife and child when he confessed to recently sleeping with her, she was fresh out of a long term relationship when he pounced and she was at a low point.

 

She's honest and caring and this seems so out of nature for her, I want to believe she really thought the broken up but I can't help but think she has no regard for the sanctity of Marriage by asking him to leave them. I know it's in the past and nothing to do with me but it's difficult when he's still trying to claw his way back in! I know his days are over but struggling internally with this. We've talked about it but I don't know if I should move on with her or bring it up again. I really like her and know she feels the same way.

[PegNosePete]

I can't help but think she has no regard for the sanctity of Marriage by asking him to leave them

Are you having this opinion based on moral or religious grounds?

 

If he was being honest, and the marriage really was over, then do you believe he should have stayed married to his wife?

 

She was conned. She made a poor choice. But if you have religious differences then I think that will be a bigger obstacle to your relationship, than simply believing that she was taken advantage of by a more experienced guy/cheater.

[Samhain]

People in love will often do things "out of character". However, 4 months is a relatively short period of time to have known somebody, so as sweet as she may seem, the term "rose tinted glasses" springs to mind.

 

She may well be telling the truth, but her refusal to even mention his name in case you try to find or contact him is quite disturbing. Maybe she is afraid that you will find out she wasn't so unaware of his active marriage from the start.

 

It's also quite telling that after (supposedly) finding out she was being lied to and manipulated, that she still chose to pursue this man and asked him to leave his family. But again, I suppose, if she was already in love at that point, she had her own rose tinted glasses to contend with. However, if she was in love with him to the point she had no qualms expecting him to destroy his family for her, it is unlikely that she is completely over him emotionally.

 

The truth has a tendency to trickle out over time, perhaps she has been honest, I'm doubtful you know the full story though. You've been together 4 months, if you are beginning to think of her differently and have concerns already, it may be in your best long term interest to walk away before you invest more into this.

 

You can tell her your worries and doubts, and if she is serious about you, she will go out of her way to ease those fears for you. Such as allowing you to see that she has openly told him she is with somebody else and also something that confirms she was unaware he was not separated at the start. Then completely blocking him and going full No Contact. It shouldn't be difficult to do is she is being honest and if she has no feelings left for him.

 

A refusal will give you all the answers you need.

[llleonidus]

IT is not based on religious grounds. The most recent contact she didn't reply the one before that she told him in no uncertain terms to leave her alone and she is happily with someone else. And blocked him. He actually sends messages in Facebook then deletes his account so she can't block him.

 

im no angel myself and done things I've not been proud of, but never with a married woman and kept it going for 6 months, we did have a little argument as to we she constantly hides his name and she didn't really have an excuse other than if it all comes out she thinks her degree could be in jeopardy as he was her boss for a small amount of time and she wants to just forget about him and put it behind her and move on, which is why I never mention how I feel to her.

[m.snow]

its good being girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

just prepare for possible her loyalty issue's

 

but be careful of marriage, its seems she may not have the same view on long term or committed relationships.

[Samhain]

He actually sends messages in Facebook then deletes his account so she can't block him.

 

Well he sounds like a real sleazeball. (More so than he initially did) He knows full well she has somebody else and wants him to leave her alone, so he purposely closes his account so he's able to stay on her contacts without her being able to remove him!?

 

If she really wants to cut all ties with this guy she could close down her facebook page, or even delete it and make a new one inviting her previous contacts. I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of facebook but I'd assume he is only able to do this because he was on her facebook friends list, so a new page without him being added would stop that problem.

 

It really is down to just how much she is willing to do to ensure he is permanently gone.

[Bufo]

When my now wife and I were getting serious she tearfully confessed to me that she had been the OW to a MM for about a year and a half. My initial concern was "who is he?" as if by chance he'd been someone I knew the deal was off. She told me his name and that they only saw each other about every two weeks.

 

I figured out pretty quickly that she was more of a FB than his OW since they never did much outside of her apartment. She was duped, something I never told her I figured that out. It helped me figure this out when she told me she wasn't his first or last.

 

But there are echoes even years later. Just about every time I get turned down a voice inside my head says "she never turned him down". It's not an obsession, but it is a revelation you will never forget. Was she just his FB?

 

If ihas a chance to live through those initial days of confession, I would have asked more questions of her. It's way too late now for me to ask anything about that long ago affair.

 

Like the question you're thinking about. How could she knowing he was married,with a child? What did they do together, sexual and no sexual? How did it start and who,started it? How long before it turned sexual? Why did she think she loved him knowing the truth of his situation? Can she prove to you it's over and that she wouldn't leave you for him if he turned up single? Did she ever contact or think about contacting his wife? Who knew about the affair?

 

Some may tell you her history doesn't matter or that her history is what made her the girl you now love. That is excuse making. Unless you get your head straight about this, you may be thinking about this for years. If it bothers you now it will bother you occasionally in the future.

 

BTW, I don't worry about her looking up this guy. He is dead! Saw W read his obituary without a tear or even a blink of her eye.

 

The asking him to leave his wife bothers me since that's a clue that she is the center of her universe. Beware.

[qubist]

Everyone makes mistakes she was played by him and believe it or not it is very common these days. You should focus on your relationhsihp and get to know her more. You've only known her for few months and you have a long way to go concentrate on that rather than beating yourself for her mistake. Lot of married men play this similar card of going trough divorce just to get sex from other women. She was naive and believed him. No doubt she was wrong but that doesn't nessacery make her bad. In my opinion the fact that she has confessed now shows that she is starting to trust you.

You should help her get this guy out of her life and make him stop harassing her.

[Spectre]

Yeah see here is the thing about him helping her to stop getting harassed. She shouldn't need help. Facebook has all kinds of options for preventing people from contacting you and if she didn't utilize ANY of these I would be asking her why not?

 

Pretty sure you can make it so that even only certain people can message you, so it shouldn't matter how many different accounts the dude makes.

 

Also her story just seems fishy to me. Sex only 5 times in 6 months?

[sandylee1]

I think her telling him to leave his marriage (wife and child) , shows that she was only thinking about herself. She was very selfish and had no regard for his wife.....but that's pretty typical of people in affairs TBH.....so no suprise there. She didn't respect the marriage at all.

 

At that time..her needs and desires topped his wife and child.

 

The question is...will he leave his wife in November? Highly unlikely..but if he did..would she go back to him.

 

From what she tells you....it doesn't seem like she started off being the typical OW....but at least she told you.

[smackie9]

If she is "done" with him, then ask her why he still has contact with her. Tell her before this relationship can continue she needs to do more house cleaning.

 

I would question her integrity TBH....she waited 4 frickin month before she told you this crucial piece of information? As to wait till you are so emotionally invested it will be difficult for you to walk?? That's selfish.

 

Personally this would be a deal breaker because this is still fresh and still going on in her life.

[schiller]

I suspect she is not being completely honest with you.

[elfman]

I really cannot understand how a woman can fall for the "I'll leave my wife for you" b.s. However, apparently it does happen. I would not judge her honesty, after all, taking the time to deal with this and volunteering all this information if she is planning on being dishonest would not make sense.

 

I WOULD ask her (more of an ultimatum) that the next time he texts/massages/shows his nose around, she be extremely direct and unpolite and tell him to stop. Should she say no, then I'd be suspicious. Since she will not tell you his name (and this is entirely for HIS benefit, because it does not protect her at all), an ultimatum on the messaging should end it if she is being honest.

 

By the way, do not take her word for it, write the darn text yourself.

 

Hope this passes and you have a chance to blossom with that relationship which you obviously value greatly.

 

E.

[drifter777]

The crap about him telling her "oh, I'm getting divorced" is simple rationalization - she knew he was married and slept with him anyway. Period. This says something about her values although it doesn't make her a moral degenerate. Just know that she needs to maintain stronger boundaries with other men.