A life full of rejection.

[AWorldOfFear]

I need some help and advise if possible, on quite a long post (sorry..!). I've suffered with depression issues and anxiety issues most of my life, but over the last year or so I finally feel as if I'm coming out the other side (if you get what I mean). My confidence is increasing, I'm achieving plenty of things in my career and my home life, but there is one huge thing missing and something I have no idea how to get at this moment in time. A relationship.

 

My life has been full of rejection. My father left my life early on and never came back, I never did anything, I was only a baby - but subconsciously that just feels like a huge rejection. I don't know his address or his phone numbers. I know he setup a new life with a new partner, I know I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers on his side who don't even know I exist, I have tried to make contact with them only to be rejected and called all sorts of names for supposedly 'making' something up.

 

A few years ago there was one situation where I met a girl and we hit it off, we got quite close and started going out and for the first time in my life it felt as if I was going places (New job, having a relationship). Then a year or so later, out of the blue and for no reason, she ditched me and turned into a horrible person, destroyed my confidence with a wrecking ball and went through it with a JCB after that. I never heard from her again, so all that work I'd achieved in starting to feel better about myself was shattered, the blocks came back up - but this time they are made of steel.

 

These situations are why I'm having a problem in expressing how I feel, or making a positive move to someone of the opposite sex. There is a particular girl I like a lot, I don't know her too well, but I knew from literally the first second I ever saw her that there was something there, just a gut feeling. She's very smiley around me and when talking to me, she's very giddy with her friends when I'm around and when we first see each other she will turn around and greet me with a huge excited smile and we often pause and stare for a few seconds, before completing what I went there for in the first place. (there are some times when we talk that it feels as if we're the only 2 people in the room, but it's probably just me that feels that)

 

My issue is that I'm scared to do anything, I don't know how to approach it. I fear another slap down and my blocks are up so much that I struggle to let anyone in and I clam up - not out of nervousness - more out of not wanting to let anything out, as I feel anything I'd say is stupid. I also fear that I'm going to miss an enormous opportunity here, the last thing I want to do is look back a few years down the line and hear how she was frustrated I didn't make a move....but because of how low my self-esteem is in this area, I'm just waiting for huge signs before I do anything. (And I'm talking 'huge-flashing-lights on forehead" type of signs)

 

I've spoken to other people about this and they often say ''What's the worst that can happen? She'll say no, and you'll move on''. Yeah, that's exactly the worst that can happen and I very much doubt I'd ever move on from it. Everything else in my life is in place right now, I'm content with it all, but I'm missing a relationship - It feels like it's my time if you know what I mean.

 

I want someone to spoil, someone to look out for, someone to share my days and weekends with. Someone to travel the world with, someone to experience my life as well as experiencing theirs. But in my head, nothing seems further away than that.

[loling123]

We live so deeply in the fear that we forget about love. We become so consumed by fear that there is no room left for it to even exist within us. We become used to the fear, so much so that loves warmth and acceptance begins to only create more fear. Instead of allowing love in, we grip tightly and firmly to the fear. After all, it’s what we know—it’s comfortable—even if it is robbing us of our best life.

 

You cannot love and fear at the same time. These two states of being cannot exist in the same space. You have to let go of one or the other.

 

Do not be crippled by your fear of rejection.

 

A book that helped me with this is untethered soul. It helped me understand that EVERYTHING in this life is transient. Nothing is meant to last forever. You will lose everyone at some point in this life but nothing is really lost, just comes back in another form. So experience everything and when they are gone be thankful that you did. Fear is such a liar. take chances!