NC is great...right?

[Ophelia25]

Someone told me that I need to write here instead of to him. I'm not sure it's helping, but then, I'm not sure what "helping" even is.

 

Day 6 of NC, unofficially initiated by him. I could end it really easily with a "How are you?" or a short, desperate text. I'm fairly certain he would answer. But, do I want him to?

 

I guess we (people in affairs) are often the supreme examples of "have your cake and eat it too" selfishness, its funny we are also so tortured. I know he wants his family. I've known for awhile that there was really no chance of us being together, because he stopped all the "let's run off," "we can make it right," "people will get over it," kind of talk and just wanted to talk about sex and ask for my help on writing projects. I should have ended it then, but I just wanted whatever attention he could give me, because I, after years of resisting, had finally let the "why, yes, maybe this is how things should be, maybe we do need to run off eventually" ideas overcome me and I was filled with hope. I guess it's been about two years (of the 7 that we've been fully involved) that he has ended the wishful thinking. I became to him more of a resigned addiction, his "kryptonite," he said. And I tried really hard to play along, to bury the real emotional stuff (rather difficult in an emotional affair) and just sext and do stuff for him. Whenever I asked him for anything, like a little more attention, or to tell me about how he really felt, he'd get all self-condemning, "I suck, I'm sorry." "I wish I could be what you wanted." "I've always not been enough for you." and so on.

 

But, yes, NC. That's what I was going to talk about. It should be good. I mean, it's over-the-top excruciating. But it has one of two results, right? Either 1)it's for the right reasons, he wants to make his marriage work and be with his family with less guilt. Since I know he's not going to choose me, anyway, and even if he did, I'm not sure I'd be ready or able to do it, and don't think I could do that to his kids, then I should be happy that he's making the right decisions and the right choices. Even if he did give me some lame excuse that he can't talk to me because he has too much work to do and I'm too distracting. Maybe he thought a work excuse would hurt less and be less final sounding. or 2)It's for the wrong reasons. He really is so overwhelmed with work right now that he can't be distracted by me. He needs some time away and I should give it to him and happily welcome him back when he's ready.

 

So, I'm really not sure how I feel or how I should feel. Aside from deeply sad and rejected and lonely and hurt, of course. But...beyond the expected, should I really try to use this as the beginning of the end? Just give up on him completely and try to move on? I know without hesitation that if and when he wants me back, I will cave. I have loved him for 25 years. I also know that as long as our spouses are alive and want us, we have no real chance of being with each other. But it's always seemed easier to me for us just to admit that we can't live without each other and try to juggle the misery. It's certainly easier than this.

 

Honestly, I'm not as broken as I thought I'd be. I mean, I am, I feel terrible. But it's more a resigned emptiness laced with bewilderment than devastation. I cried for a couple of days. I took a couple Xanax. I separated my heart a little from my brain. Now I'm just numb, but feel like I should try to focus my thinking. What should I try to do with this newfound, and pretty much unwanted, "freedom?"

[olivebranch]

an excellent question.

 

i can't imagine a 25 year affair ! that you are doing this well and being this honest says to me that some things *are* changing in you.

 

it's lonely and uncomfortable, and it sucks.

 

you mentioned addiction- i agree. the fact that he could and probably would do this again should be enough to stay away. i think it will only get worse from here should you decide to attempt or allow any kind of contact to be re-established.

 

honestly, though my A was short and the BS even knew about me and we saw each other and she was not hostile… and also was seeing other or another people/person as well, i believe this is a good time to do the things that you don't want to do- finally.

 

i think that any moments we have left, making conscious choices to face what we don't want to in ourselves- though thoroughly painful- are mementos on a much more fulfilling path.

 

i'm struggling with the same awkward phase of the beginning of nc-

 

i hate that i need to face these things inside, but also i know that it's a good kind of pain. it lets me know my soul is still intact and that the parts of myself that i thought were unlovable (almost the whole thing, basically… if you asked my subconscious) i can begin to slowly and gently embrace.

 

i too am afraid of commitment. i'm afraid to commit to my own life and i would be terrified if someone wanted to commit to me all of a sudden as well.

 

i feel pretty jumbled, myself. i think there are lots of things you can do and not do, the fact is you really do have freewill now-

 

in many ways you are getting what your deepest, truest self really wanted all along anyway… a chance at true freedom and honesty.

 

i could sound like a total pollyanna or some weirdo, i realize this.

 

i'm quite confused myself, but this is a great time, right ? hahaha… i'll laugh at that one with you,

 

but really.

 

how do you create without a blank canvas ?

 

don't be afraid of making mistakes…

you will.

so will i.

 

but there has to be better, right ? i think you outgrew that last "project."

 

 

sincerely,

 

olive.

[Popsicle]

Yes it is great because now you both can live in reality. It is more healthy.

[OneLov]

OP:

 

I can relate to your feelings of emptiness and emotional uncertainty. My advice to you is keep moving forward. Take this time and focus on you. Do something you always wanted to do or take a trip you always planned to take i.e., explore a hobby, learn a language, take up an instrument, volunteer, join a club etc.. Now is the time for action. Set yourself free.

 

OneLov

[Dylon]

Sounds like you got your expectation in check, knowing that he won't leave and you don't want him to leave, and you know you won't leave your marriage either. After such a long A, I assume you understand the dynamic of the A. If that's true, what brings the hurt?

 

In my situation, the A was fine with the OW except for the part when she expects more. That brings argument, pain, and hurt. The desire for more brings the pain.

 

Are you just enjoying his company in this EA? If I remember, you said your life was boring and your husband spent too much time on the phone.

 

How often have you tried NC? This is the first time? I see it like this, if it's finished with him, one day I believe you might be looking for another person to replace him. Without a goal in mind of how to solve your own loneniless and your marriage, I'm not sure where that leaves you in the future. I'm not criticizing, but it's my analysis because I too much need to make myself happy and must find that path.

 

Any D-day for either? I'm sorry for your pain.

[Ms. Faust]

In your situation I think NC is best. People often say affairs are fantasy, but yours truly was a fantasy. It was a text based affair with (as you reported) a handful of awkward phone calls and a few no physical contact meetings. It was your husband being bemused by your starry eyed romance, and you becoming dependent on your fantasy life to get through the day.

 

It is totally normal to have coping mechanisms to ward off the mundanities of life. I spend quite a bit of my day with my head in the clouds, whether I am listening to music, cleaning, or driving. Often my fantasies are sexual, and of someone sweeping me off my feet. But I draw a line between my real life and fantasy, whereas yours seemed to have crossed over because another person was involved.

 

But your AP seems to have more going on in his world. He has a wife, kids, a job, activities to keep him pretty grounded. Honestly, I am surprised you all managed to have this sexting affair for 7 years. I have sexted. A LOT. The first few times it is heart thumping, acceleration, followed by intense masturbation. But consistent sexting turns into me doing it while I cooked my Ramen noodles, or while cleaning the bathroom. Seven years worth of sexting and no real end in sight? Sounds like it would get a little dull, and intrusive, you know?

 

But it could very well be that this guy will come back, since this was obviously a part of routine. For your own mental health I think it would be best if you keep that door firmly closed, and invest in healthier things to fight off the day to day drudgery of life.

 

Good luck!

[Ophelia25]

In your situation I think NC is best. People often say affairs are fantasy, but yours truly was a fantasy. It was a text based affair with (as you reported) a handful of awkward phone calls and a few no physical contact meetings. It was your husband being bemused by your starry eyed romance, and you becoming dependent on your fantasy life to get through the day.

 

This is painfully true. And I suppose my head knows it. Heart keeps disagreeing, though, or some other part deep inside me. As teenagers, we had three years (16-19) of really intense romance that ripped us open. Over the years, each time we have reunited, it feels like we are right back where we started, like that was "it" and we screwed it up being too young and dumb and deeply regret it.

 

But there were real reasons for our breakup, and those reasons are still valid and even more relevant since they are accompanied by marriage vows and kids. I'm just so very used to him being there.

[Ophelia25]

Thanks, Dylon - lots to think about, and I tend to be verbose, but perhaps its interesting enough to not be tedious.

 

I suppose I'm just used to his company during the day. The feeling of really being wanted by someone to the point that they risk things I guess is flattering and exhilarating. And, I suppose we are still stuck in some silly starry-eyed teenager kind of existence, since that's where we were when we were in love and together and happy. It's like revisiting it every time we talk, and we can sort of tune out the drudgery of day-to-day life and spouses who don't really want to have sex with us and so on. It's an array of paradoxes, I suppose, as we seem to know fully well we aren't ready or willing to ruin our marriages or families. We have discussed many times making it physical and seeing how it plays out, but we don't yet seem to have the wherewithal to plan out a secret meeting anywhere.

 

It's so strange to say that I really felt happy when deeply embroiled in the most emotional part of it, but there was a period of about a year or so (before D-day #1) when we texted most of the time. His wife even sarcastically called me "the girlfriend" and seemed to tolerate our relationship, knowing she couldn't do anything about it, but I don't think she knew the full extent of the relationship, or that we talked freely about running off together and getting apartments and such (this was more him than me, I was really resistant to that for quite some time). After a beach vacation I took where we chatted furiously, his app somehow "undeleted" some pretty steamy pics and conversations, and she found them and flipped. We had NC for a week or so (this was 3 years ago, I think), then were significantly more careful. He faded slowly after that, still wanting the sexual attention, but walling off the emotional more and more. He would have tender moments, I guess, where he'd remind me how much he cared about me and how long he'd wanted me, and how much more he likes me than anyone else in his past, blah, blah, blah, but he seemed to become much more self-centered and demanding in the relationship, just wanting contact when it was convenient for him, only wanting to talk sex, and working harder and harder to phase me out anytime but during work hours or when he was left alone or on business trips.

 

A couple of years ago, she started "wanting more," but didn't know what, and we worked on it again, sort of. She told him that if he loved her, he would do NC for 30 days. I told him I'd go along, but it had to be complete - no social media, no gps following (we are always on each others' maps), no ANYTHING. Otherwise, I thought it was just silly. He didn't think he could manage that, so, we faked it for a few weeks. It was a little less contact, but certainly still contact, and after the 30 days we were right back where we were before.

 

The last year or so he fluctuates from "let's just have sex - come see me" to "honestly, we really shouldn't even have anything to do with each other because we know that path is not open for us." I hate the back and forth, it really wears me out, but if I talk about it, he just said, "Yes, I suck, I'm terrible, I'm nothing you want, never have been, etc."

 

I've been pretty consistent the last couple of years, even though I know what I want isn't really possible. I want us to just let go and admit that we love each other, always have, always will, and will be as together as is possible (without leaving our marriages and without having sex) for as long as we can. Stupid, I know, but we have maintained it that way for such a long time - spouses knew some, but not all. We flirted and kept each other company during the day, we talked about everything, we got each other worked up and then screwed the crap out of our spouses, we were open and direct with how we felt about each other and how much it sucked that we had messed up our relationship so thoroughly when we were 19. While not being together was difficult, loving each other and being honest about how we felt about it, at least to me, seemed easy and natural and I wanted to just keep it like that forever. I guess I thought maybe our spouses would just get completely tired of us obviously having divided affections and throw us out or something. Or maybe find their own other people. Didn't work that way.

 

It's interesting to think that maybe I'd find someone else to fill the void. I suppose people who are willing to break vows always are (don't people say "once a cheater, always a cheater")? I've never been attracted to or interested in anyone else since him, at least not in that way. I've never been tempted to look at or kiss or touch another person, never even really been flattered by attention from other men. It doesn't interest me at all. It's funny, I feel like I'm incredibly loyal. Just...to two people. I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else. I love my husband because he is a really good friend who knows me and puts up with my insanity.I don't want to hurt him. It's perplexing that I could even have sex with the OM and my husband says he'd be okay with it. His wife, definitely not, it would be over in a heartbeat. And I understand that. I love the OM because he's the first person I ever fell in love with, and the feelings have never diminished. I want both - the comfortable friend who is my roommate, and the passionate and demanding unrequited lover who is hot for me and me for him, and for awhile, I sort of had both. I know it won't work that way forever, or I don't guess it will, since it's pretty much falling apart now. And I guess I sort of wonder if once his kids are grown (they are 15 and 17 now), if he will have less reason to stay and try to come back. And it seems that trying to juggle two people is a really nasty terrible thing to even think about doing. But it really felt happy for awhile. And even the worst moments with him were pretty much better than this NC stuff. Day 7. Rough day.

[Dylon]

Thanks, Dylon - lots to think about, and I tend to be verbose, but perhaps its interesting enough to not be tedious.

 

I know it's been hard, only day 7 NC so tedious is just fine if it helps you through the day discussing about your problem. I think that's why people post here.

 

I suppose I'm just used to his company during the day. The feeling of really being wanted by someone to the point that they risk things I guess is flattering and exhilarating.

 

Yes so true and was expressed to me this way before too.

 

And, I suppose we are still stuck in some silly starry-eyed teenager kind of existence, since that's where we were when we were in love and together and happy.

 

Yes. We need to grow up don't we ?

 

It's an array of paradoxes, I suppose, as we seem to know fully well we aren't ready or willing to ruin our marriages or families.

 

Paradoxes are everywhere in situation like this. The OW and I talked about this all the time. Even reading all these threads, you find paradoxes in people's feelings and advices.

 

 

....but he seemed to become much more self-centered and demanding in the relationship, just wanting contact when it was convenient for him

 

You two had such a long running that soon or later, someone will change. You both are married and keeping the marriage is a priority. It's hard to deal with everyday life and try to manage something outside. For you, it was different. You seem to have more time than him, more bored, ect. It's hard to live in just your A world. My ex AP always seem to be available, waiting for me. I had to explain what I'm doing all the time. Life itself is busy and hard and the AP can't see it form their side. We lie to ourselves that it can be carried on, but something has to give. Sometimes it's manageable, sometimes it's not. He's tired.

 

 

A couple of years ago, she started "wanting more," but didn't know what, and we worked on it again, sort of. She told him that if he loved her, he would do NC for 30 days.

 

That's an odd one.

 

He didn't think he could manage that, so, we faked it for a few weeks.

 

That's even more odd. The wife wanted you two to do NC, but just temp and you two know you can't do it, so faked it.

 

 

The last year or so he fluctuates from "let's just have sex - come see me" to "honestly, we really shouldn't even have anything to do with each other because we know that path is not open for us."

 

You know what he said is true anyway as you've said so yourself. However, you are more willing to just keep things as they are. He's burned out playing the double life.

 

I've been pretty consistent the last couple of years, even though I know what I want isn't really possible.

 

Yes, I believe you. Your story is clear on that. That's the problem. He's not like you. No one can be stable in an unstable situation for that long. You can because your situation allows you to....for now anyway.

 

I want us to just let go and admit that we love each other, always have, always will, and will be as together as is possible (without leaving our marriages and without having sex) for as long as we can. Stupid, I know, but we have maintained it that way for such a long time - spouses knew some, but not all.

 

Yes, not just you but I'm sure there are many in your situation have this wishful thinking. It's your ideal situation. So now that you let go, so you can keep that thought that deep inside, there's a connection, and just accept that you two have parted in good terms.

 

While not being together was difficult, loving each other and being honest about how we felt about it, at least to me, seemed easy and natural and I wanted to just keep it like that forever.

 

Yes, it's nice to have someone like that. It's too bad that it's not your H or his W.

 

I guess I thought maybe our spouses would just get completely tired of us obviously having divided affections and throw us out or something. Or maybe find their own other people. Didn't work that way.

 

That wouldn't happen anyway. I don't know about your H, but his W certainly will never. Even if the spouses had that drive, neither one of you will leave the comfort of your own nest, especially when both sides have children.

 

It's interesting to think that maybe I'd find someone else to fill the void. I suppose people who are willing to break vows always are (don't people say "once a cheater, always a cheater")?

 

I've never been attracted to or interested in anyone else since him

 

I know where you are coming from. I think you do need to find a way to fill the void. Yes, I agree, that perhaps it's just only possible with him. After all, unless you go out and look hard for one, someone to connect with like that doesn't just show up on your computer screen or at your local market place. However, you stay vulnerable because of this void. I can relate to that.

 

I love my husband because he is a really good friend who knows me and puts up with my insanity.

 

Ha yes and probably forgive you for anything too. You just need to get him off his phone, right ?

 

I don't want to hurt him. It's perplexing that I could even have sex with the OM and my husband says he'd be okay with it.

 

Kind of feed into the A.

 

 

And I guess I sort of wonder if once his kids are grown (they are 15 and 17 now), if he will have less reason to stay and try to come back.

 

Hey, that's no way to live your life. Keep up the NC and accept it as forever. If someone trips, it trips and deal with it accordingly. Find a different solution for the void. NC has been initiated so keep it as a forever deal and focus on what's best for yourself.

 

And even the worst moments with him were pretty much better than this NC stuff.

 

So I was told as well. Except eventually we need to sleep and take care of our lives and stay healthy .

 

 

Day 7. Rough day.

 

Hang in there and keep on talking. Wish you well!

[Heatherknows]

The feeling of really being wanted by someone to the point that they risk things I guess is flattering and exhilarating. And, I suppose we are still stuck in some silly starry-eyed teenager kind of existence, since that's where we were when we were in love and together and happy. It's like revisiting it every time we talk, and we can sort of tune out the drudgery of day-to-day life and spouses who don't really want to have sex with us and so on. It's an array of paradoxes, I suppose, as we seem to know fully well we aren't ready or willing to ruin our marriages or families. We have discussed many times making it physical and seeing how it plays out, but we don't yet seem to have the wherewithal to plan out a secret meeting anywhere.

 

 

I've had an online affair. It was on and off for several years and it ended for good about six months ago. Then I engaged in chatting inappropriately with another man online and that ended three months ago. I understand the fun, excitement and rush it gives you and it will be hard to get your brain back to normal. The longer you stay away the stronger you get. After a while you'll see it for what it was. Crumbs and lies. You will find more satisfying ways to spend your time and then you'll wonder why you thought it was so exciting in the first place. In the end...all that online stuff: It's crap.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Heatherknows

[privategal]

Its excruciating and it hurts and yet its best. Ughhh. Im sorry. I know the void well. Hugs.