Yogi777 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I caught my boyfriend of 20 years cheating 2 months ago. It's been quite a roller coaster. He is 62, I'm 47 and his new "girlfriend " is 58. He is the love of my life and he still says I am his. There were many tears on both of our parts over the last several weeks. He started acting a little off in May but his father was dying and I just attributed it to that. His father since passed and it really affected him because their relationship wasn't great and there were unresolved issues. Soon after is when I discovered the affair. Just a little background and then I will move on..... Our relationship has been good to great at various times. We didn't marry because I didn't want children and he was satisfied with his one. There was a period of time where he wanted to marry and I said no out of fear it would change things. In 20 years there was minimal arguing and problems were solved immediately. We live 2 hours apart but I would drive to him and spend 4 days a week. I still work and he has encouraged me to quit and now I wish I did. I changed my whole life to fit his and now that I will be on my own I will be financially strapped. We've always had a strong sex life and a good connection. We traveled, he bought a place in Florida that we would visit frequently and were rarely bored. He also has a business in Florida and that's where he met his new squeeze. I figure it's been going on for around 5 months but they had met sometime last year. After discovering the affair I asked him to end it and work on us. I was not willing to throw 20 years away. He was very reluctant and said he was going through something and just needs to take care of himself and figure things out. In the meantime he was spending more time with her and less with me. Our time together was better than ever and then he would back off. Our most recent encounter was last week when he drove to see me while I was spending time in Florida. He stayed for 2 days told me he loves me, spoke of future plans, called me the following 2 days and then dropped off. Last night he called to tell me he wants a break. Ironically, I was going to tell him the same after being disrespected for the last time. I asked him to be honest and tell me if he really wanted to be with this woman and he said he can't answer that. I took that as a yes. I also said that I would send his clothes and possessions to him and he said no. I suggested that I put our condo up for sale that I am living in and he said no...So now I'm left here wondering and second guessing..... I've seen pictures of her and wonder what the hell he wants with this frumpy grandmother.. I know it's no nice but...... I feel like I am going to lose it. I never thought at my age I would be dealing with this. I thought it was going to be until deaths do us part.... I'm just holding onto hope that he has a change of heart... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I also said that I would send his clothes and possessions to him and he said no. I suggested that I put our condo up for sale that I am living in and he said no...So now I'm left here wondering and second guessing..... I would not give him an option on this. Tell him you will send his stuff or he can collect it or you will leave it out on the street, whichever he prefers (although it might not be a good idea to actually leave his stuff on the street for legal reasons, that doesn't stop you saying it to him). Don't let him into the house to pack it up; put it in boxes for him so you just need to hand it over the threshold. Don't invite him in for a coffee or a chat. As for the condo well if it's jointly owned then you need to resolve that. You will both no doubt want to release your equity from it. It's probably worth seeing a lawyer about that. Many do a free initial consultation so it's definitely worth doing that to get some advice, even if the advice is "do nothing" at least you have it form a professional. I'm just holding onto hope that he has a change of heart... Really? If my partner cheated on me I would never take her back. Cheating is a deal-breaker. Why on earth would you take someone back after they have betrayed you in the worst way possible? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 He is carrying a lot of guilt ditching you like this and that could be the reason why he is dragging his heels...he's leaving you in a compromised situation. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 The reason why he is dragging his feet is because he is not secure in his new relationship. And you are helping him by staying put where you are. He knows that you are in the back burner eating and he can get you if he wants. The problem with that is if he comes back after you will never be able to heal from it being a second choice. You have to show him that you can't be plan B nor plan A. You have to demand that you are either the only plan or nothing. You gotta force him to make the decision. Meanwhile, plan for the worst so you don't get burn. Put the house for sale and look out of your own benefit Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yogi777 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 @pegnosepete It's been 20 years of a great relationship. He was a good man until now. He is also going through emotional turmoil since the death of his father. I'm all for giving second chances but not thirds.... Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 @pegnosepete It's been 20 years of a great relationship. He was a good man until now. He is also going through emotional turmoil since the death of his father. I'm all for giving second chances but not thirds.... It is good that you are willing to give him a second chance, but it only works if he is asking for it. Do not waste your time. If you really want him back you have to be tough on him now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 It may seem like you've spent a lifetime with this man, but you still have a lifetime ahead of you. You will still have opportunities to meet new men at your age...men who will treat you well and will not cheat on you. He may have once been a good person to you, but what he has done is absolutely deplorable. He has betrayed you and continues to disrespect you by throwing it in your face. That is unforgivable. The only thing worse than spending 20 years with the wrong person is spending 20 years plus one more day with the wrong person. Please gather your dignity, find someone to talk to to help you deal with this betrayal, and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schiller Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 After discovering the affair I asked him to end it and work on us. I was not willing to throw 20 years away. He was very reluctant When you gotta ask.. and even then he's not sure if he's going to.. that's as bad as it gets. In the meantime he was spending more time with her and less with me. When he's openly spending time with his mistress AND with you and you are allowing this.. it's even worse than as bad as it gets. Last night he called to tell me he wants a break. When a guy who is openly cheating on you with your consent tells you he wants a break that's even worse than worse than as bad as it gets. Ironically, I was going to tell him the same after being disrespected for the last time. I'm not getting that from your posts. Sounds like you're thinking that in hindsight or something. I asked him to be honest and tell me if he really wanted to be with this woman and he said he can't answer that. When he's actively cheating and you allow it and you ask him to stop and he doesn't and he calls and says he wants a break and you ask him if he really wants to be with the other woman, that's worse than worse than as bad as it gets. I also said that I would send his clothes and possessions to him and he said no. Gain some of your self respect back. Start by sending his clothes and possessions back- all of them- and blocking all means of contact. I suggested that I put our condo up for sale that I am living in and he said no Wait, what? You're living in a condo you both own? Explain that one please. I'm just holding onto hope that he has a change of heart... Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 He was a good man until now. Exactly. He may have been a good man in the past, but no longer. He is not a good man now. It is good that you are willing to give him a second chance, but it only works if he is asking for it. Do not waste your time. If you really want him back you have to be tough on him now. Exactly. He should be on his hands and knees begging for your forgiveness right now. If he was, then maybe you could consider giving him a second chance. But instead he has chosen to carry on disrespecting you, again and again and again. You, going to him, begging for him to give you a second chance? After he cheated on you??? Hell no! He has clearly shown that he is not deserving of a second chance. If he were then he would be at your feet begging for forgiveness and saying that he would do anything to repair the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Hope you're ok, what an awful place to be in. I think some of these replies are pretty brutal too and may be making you feel more down. It's time for you to start thinking about yourself, do something for you. A haircut? A facial? Something you can do to make yourself feel better. (It's eyebrow shaping for me:-))...then once you start to feel better, you'll feel more empowered (for me nice eyebrows mean I have the confidence to eyeball someone!) Realise the positives in your life, you're much younger than this man & in good shape you say. You could probably land a guy 30 years younger than him. (Not suggesting you do) believe in yourself though. Don't go thinking his cheating was your fault or caused by any inadequacy of yours. It's on him, he lacks respect for you. Now you need to claim it for yourself. Consult a lawyer, cut him off and brace yourself for the next chapter of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. Sounds like he's going through some sort of crisis only it's it more of a later life crisis than a midlife crisis, especially with his dad's death. Look after yourself first. That's priority. If you're willing to give him a second chance then let him work through this and see what happens. Let him come to you unless it's something urgent that needs to be discussed. If things are not resolved within what you consider to be a reasonable amount of time then do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Good luck and I hope it works out okay for you. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Proceed with the belief that it's over. Send his stuff back and make plans with an agent to at least value the condo. When you get a valuation you're happy with..let him know how much and ask if he is ok with the price and wants to go ahead with the sale. Keep it business like....and if he question you...tell him that you need to sell up and move on with your life as he has made his choice. Don't beg him Don't contact him apart from for the sale of the condo Don't respond to any wishy washy text messages If he gives a definite 'I'm sorry..can we work on this ' ...then fine. But nothing like I'm not sure. He should be damn lucky to have a young woman like you in his life. DON'T EVER APPEAR NEEDY OR DESPERATE...even if you feel that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yogi777 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 Wow! I feel like I just got kicked in the teeth by Schiller. Maybe that's what I needed. Thank you all for your opinions Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yogi777 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 @mrs Rubble & xcupid. Thank you for your kind words Link to post Share on other sites
siankat Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 Im reading some of these replies and wondering what has happened with me since i last posted a lot over 2 years ago. I don't really agree with what a lot of people are writing. I am very committed exclusive and monogamous in my relationships and expect the same but my first impressions of the story were this; You sound very independent and so is he as he has enjoyed this lifestyle with you. But something as earth shattering as his fathers death, especially with unresolved issues, would understandably, turn his world upside down even if he didn't realise it was happening. I can't help wonder if, living apart, not having his child, not marrying him, didn't make him yearn for this perhaps more available companion he may need at a time like this. When he needs a lot of nurture and TLC. Im not saying you didn't give him that. But he may not see that he has the comfort of living with you all the time, and being officially committed to one another that he may so desperately need after being abandoned by his father in death. Sure you have kept things interesting over the years but do you have depth or communication in your relationship and is there tender love there? I am just batting out ideas. Have you asked him whether is was something he wasn't getting from you or whether it is because of his feelings for this woman? Sorry this is happening Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yogi777 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 @siankat. I was always available in every way as much as he wanted or needed me to be. He lives in NY and his new girlfriend lives in FL. So he's putting himself in a similar situation. He's a tough cookie and likes his alone time. I was always there for him when he needed and wanted me..... Bottom line is he got bored. I was very emotional the day of my post. I have since learned more unpleasant things and I am starting to wake up. He is not the man he used to be. It's heart breaking but I have to face facts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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