I didn't think it would hurt like this

[PinkiePerky]

All those times that people have told me their other half had cheated and I could only sympathise so much and now I'm finding out just how much it hurts.

 

I found out in September through my husbands business partners wife that my husband spends his day chatting to other women online. She even sent me screen shots from his PC. After denying it, he eventually admitted it. I threw him out. The next day we talked lots and lots. I thought we'd covered everything but no there was still more to come. He'd conducted an 18 months affair with a woman from Australia (we're in the uk) and had told her he loved her, he'd never connected to anyone like her and various other things a wife should never have to read. It broke my heart into two. He only stopped because he's been found out otherwise I think he would still be doing it.

 

He's receiving independent counselling and has been going for about 7 weeks now. I started my own IC last week, next session tomorrow.

 

There are days when I feel positive, but then there are days where I think 'why am I still with him?'

 

We've been together 12 years, married 10 and have 3 children too.

 

Does it get any easier? I know it's only been 7 weeks but surely the pain should be getting less by now. I just feel incredibly sad that the person I trusted the most has let me down.

[Clay]

It does get easier but you never really forget. The best thing you can do now even if your reconciling over this is reinvest into yourself. Take time for yourself.

 

I think only you can really decide if its right to stay. I know for some people cheating is a deal breaker. I know in my case I tried for years to recover and get passed it and she just kept doing it again and again. It wasn't until I got away from there that I really felt I was starting to heal.

 

C

[ladydesigner]

(((PinkiePerky))) Infidelity is by far the most traumatic thing that has happened to me. The emotional turmoil and ptsd that I still suffer is sometimes more than I can handle. I have been molested and raped and still my WH's A leaves me decimated.

 

It takes time, a lot of time. The standard timeline is about 2-5 years if your WH is truly remorseful and has given you the full truth.

 

There are days when I feel positive, but then there are days where I think 'why am I still with him?'

 

^This is totally normal. You will think like this until you are able to fully process and accept the A's. Give yourself time and turn the focus on yourself. Your WH needs to focus on fixing himself and saving your M.

 

It has taken me a little over 3 years to not feel like the A still takes my breath away or make my heart pound.

 

One thing that does happen is life is forever changed, you will not be the same person you were before the A. Some of it good sometimes bad, just have to keep fighting for yourself!

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry. I've read those things that no wife should ever read too & it's beyond heart breaking. It's been a couple of months since the last 'truth' came out & we're reconciling. I completely get the PTSD statement above. I can be distracted, doing ok, then 'Bang!' something hits me & I'm a blubbering wreck, shaking in the corner.

 

Some may disagree but something that helped me was realizing that I don't have to make permanent, life changing decisions while I'm feeling like this. Today we continue to reconcile, I have plans, I'm facing my problems. In a months time or 6 months time or 6 YEARS time I could change my mind!

 

More than anything I want to feel safe & secure & loved. I want to be home, feel home, somedays I just want to give-up & die but I can't do that. I now know that my H could decimate my world on a whim. Of course that has always been true but I didn't know it. I made choices for him, for my family, never for me. I'll never do that again!

 

I guess I'm saying "One day at a time...."

[Lion Heart]

PinkiePerky

 

Yes it does "feel like this". It's horrible. As in full of horror.

 

7 weeks is no time at all. You're grieving and need to allow yourself to fully grieve what you've lost.

 

Now take power in the truth.

Know this IS the man you married.

He's not that other guy you thought you married.

 

Sometimes WSs have a LOT of cr** to work out to become better people & better partners. Faithful partners!

 

For you it's ENTIRELY different. Working on you is the best you can do.

 

I'm sorry you're here.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

You're in the club no one wants to join but you've definitely come to the right place.

 

LS has helped me beyond what any words could describe.

 

Psychologists have helped too but nowhere near LS Members.

You see that unless people have experienced this trauma, it's near impossible for them to understand the depth of the feelings of betrayal.

 

Sometimes it takes more than 1 day at a time, it's been minute to minute for me early on.

 

Lion Heart.

[lygimom]

I am so sorry to hear about your hurts. I don't think there is a timeline where you should be feeling better. This is like dealing with a death, the mourning time has no timeline. You've had a death of trust and a feeling of devastation.

 

I'm glad that you and your husband talked out the issues and that both he and you will be getting independent counseling. Hopefully both of you will then be able to come together and work through what happened.

 

Do you want reconciliation? If so, don't expect the process to be quick or painless. Both of you will need to be honest and share what happened and look at what led up to it. Both of you will need to really listen, look at your marriage and yourself honestly. Be open and willing to make changes and work at it. You need to share honestly your pain and anger.

 

In order for your marriage to be healed your husband will have to make a clean break from his past relationship. Has he talked with the other person and told her that there will be no future relationship? You need to be with him when he makes that call.

 

In order for you to regain his trust he needs to be accountable to you with his comings and goings and any social interaction. That probably means letting you have access to his phone, facebook, and any other social media.

 

With that said, if both of you are committed to the love you both had before this and want the marriage to survive, you can heal. Don't set a date. Don't listen to your negative thoughts as they will drive away the joy you have had. Keep contact with positive, helpful friends and family. Never stop communicating with each other.

[PinkiePerky]

Hi and thank you so much for your kind words. It really does mean a lot to me. Even though you know others are going through the same thing it doesn't stop you sometimes feeling very alone. I've read your words and I've re read them.

 

I do want to reconcile, I love my husband very much and then there are days when I think 'why do I love him'. I suppose it's a case of riding these waves of emotions. You're quite right when you say 7 weeks isn't really that long. Reading some of the other posts on here I can now see that it takes between 2-5 years to get over something like this.

 

We have opened the lines of communication and we've probably done more talking in the last 7 weeks than in the last 7 years of marriage. It's really sad to think that it has taken something so tragic to get us to be more open and honest with each other. He has stopped all lines of communication with these women and has (to my knowledge deleted all the apps and uninstalled Skype/messengers) he says the thought of what he did and what he spoke to them about makes him feel sick.

 

I've been to see my IC today so I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday.

 

Again thanks for your kind words. X

[nightmare01]

Although communication and all that can improve after an affair - IMO your trust for your WH will never get back to where it was. Also, you may have PSTD type triggers when your husband does something that reminds you of his affair.

 

An affair alters the course of the marriage. It will never get back to where it was, and never arrive where it originally would have gone. That doesn't mean that your marriage can't get to a good place after an affair - only that where it goes will be different than where it would have gone.

 

Wanting to stay M is good. I did that. The thing is that you don't have 100% control of that. For your M to work after an affair your WH has to be willing to go to extraordinary lengths to prove that he is loyal to you - and those efforts have to continue forever.

 

After about 5 years (past Dday) my WW thought she could just back off the amount of transparency she had with me. She thought she could just go back to the way things were before her affair. She changed the PW on her email. Started keeping secrets from me. And once when she was out near where her OM lived she went off the radar for nearly 24 hours.

 

She was able to account for where she was etc and it was verified, so it was ok. BUT that breach of the boundaries I set for us both (I adhere to my own boundaries as I expect her to do), that almost led to a divorce.

 

For me - I had to be ok with loosing her and the M in order to save it. I had to be willing to let her go, divorce her, divide by 2 all our assets, and know in my heart that I would be fine if that happened - that strength and confidence that I built in myself saved our M.

 

It's great if your husband wants to stay married to you. But don't lean on him, don't define yourself as half of a whole, instead be a strong person that stays because it's the right thing for you to do.

[jbb13]

Things do get easier, but only time will help you heal. You need to build back trust and he needs to go out of his way to show you that he wants to make the relationship work.

[schiller]

You will heal much faster if you end the relationship with him.

 

If you accept him back, know that the road to recovery is uncertain and will take years, and things will never, ever be the same.