2nd Chance Success Story. Second Chances

[BrianD1985]

I came across this site years ago when going through a rough patch. Hadn't thought about it in years until a friend recently went through a tough break up. I remember searching for success stories of getting back together with someone, and they were few and far between. Here is mine. Happy to answer any questions.

 

We were together for 4 years in our mid-20's and broke up. It was a combination of distance and uncertainty if we wanted to marry one another. It was ultimately her decision, however. It was devastating for the both of us.

 

The first couple days were a nightmare. There was probably a moment or two of desperation or pleading, but ultimately not too bad.

 

I forget many of the details as it has been several years, but I basically went No-Contact, other than to be cordial in replying to messages, wishing happy birthday, etc. I ran a ton, read a ton, cried a lot, and kept myself busy. Did some dating after a couple of months. Had a relationship that i ultimately wanted out of. It's honestly not that much better breaking up with someone, but I can say this. By the time I did, I had wanted out for a while. I tried to show respect by being direct and not giving any breadcrumbs, while also not being insulting.

 

In two years I had never fully gotten over my ex. There is a difference between moving on and getting over someone. You can only control the former. I was fine, doing well professionally and personally, but kind of thought she'd always be someone that I just missed. Which was ok. life isn't always easy, we don't always get what we want. We still have to live our lives. Well turns out she had been feeling the same way.

 

She asked to meet up where I lived. Told me straight up she wanted back together. No stringing along, no BS. I took a day and said ok.

We've now been married for 3 years.

 

I realize this is a pretty cursory summary. It was honestly both the worst and best 2 years, and really helped shape me. I'm happy to answer any specific questions, as I recall reading this site was helpful way back when.

 

Ultimately you have to give it time. Lots of time. There is no substitute. I see people write that "you have to go No-Contact for yourself, to get over them completely, not to get a 2nd chance." I agree that moving on is more about self-preservation, but you can't trick your mind into not wanting to be with the person you want to be with. Time and space allows you perspective and heals wounds. It also often leads to the other person missing you; although, it also might not. Often you will find yourself having completely moved on which is great. I have numerous friends who have had an awful break up, and shortly find someone with whom they have a much better relationship. Some of these people are married. I've also seen people give it another go only to break up again, and also others who like me, got it right the 2nd time. Also some time and space might truly make you realize, F this person, they aren't good enough for me, I would never take them back.

 

It's cringe-worthy cliche, but Life truly is a journey, not a destination. Marriage or kids or whatever should not be the end goal, as even the great marriages end when someone dies. Live an enjoyable life, do what makes you happy, be with people who make you happy, experience different people and relationships. Every relationship we enter we take a risk of getting hurt. Take the risk anyway, and pick up the pieces if you have to.

 

 

Some Tips:

 

When a woman "isn't sure" or needs "some time." It is over. At least for the time being. Relationships are hard to come by and the world is a lonely place. People do not throw good relationships away for nothing. Women, and men too, 'can be unsure or 'take their time' while still in a relationship. When they actually want out, they've wanted out for a while. Let them.

 

Don't assume there is someone else. In my case, there was not. There may in fact be, but it shouldn't matter. They want to experience their lives without you as their significant other. It can be for many reasons. Not sure about future, see what else is out there, want to be alone, etc.

 

The only thing you can do is as follows: Let them go, give them space. Weak and clingy is a bad look as a woman, and 100X worse as a man. Be strong, be confident (fake it if you have to), and let them miss you. I don't know where I fall on the No Contact rule, but i do agree that contact should be limited and that it is done for 2 reasons; 1. to help get over that person, and less importantly, 2. to salvage any chance of getting back together if you should so choose.

 

This of course is not easy, especially for the longer relationships. But you are a man. Life is tough. It is a test of will-power and discipline. All the advice is great. Get in shape, run, read more, learn an instrument, learn a language; BETTER YOURSELF. If it helps, let the anger fuel you. They are the ones who ended this. WHY WOULD I POSSIBLY WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME! Don't take it personally. People get dumped all the time, regardless of how good looking you are, how much $$ you make, how generous you are, how supporting etc. They liked you for a reason to begin with, but sometimes compatibility takes more though. If you are honest with yourself and you have shortcomings, you got lazy, you got fat, your career is stalled; then fix it. But do it for you.

 

When you are ready, date other women. Everybody's time table is different, but I would suggest a couple of months not weeks. You need to be emotionally ready to casually get back out there. Date often, keep it causal, and don't lead the other person on. Having a few dates with someone you end up determining isn't your ideal match might give you some much needed perspective on your prior relationship.

 

Talk to people, get your emotions out. Family, close friends, professionals. Getting it out of your system is healthy and necessary.

 

try to keep things in perspective. It feels like a death, but it is not. You have your health and the gift of life, and you will want to make the most of it again. It can't be stressed enough, TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, and this too shall pass. it's just another life experience. I remember thinking, as horrible as it felt in the beginning, "wow, what a powerful emotion. It's amazing we get to feel this."

 

Ok that's it.

[greenvalley]

Hi Brian,

 

It is wonderful how your situation ended up!

 

I don't know if I should bother asking you questions as every situation is indeed unique. And there is a thin line between being optimistic and having hope.

 

I am into this journey for a year and 4 months. It is the best and worst challenge of my life! It offered me - and still does - the amazing opportunity to reflect on me and address my issues. I won't lie though, sometimes it is a struggle when strong emotions are involved. And the fact that he moved on quite fast (2 months after we broke up) makes it difficult.

 

But since you are open to questions here it is: How limited was your contact? Was she involved with someone else during these two years?

 

Thank you

[BrianD1985]

Yes, every situation is definitely unique. And the point of the post certainly isn't to get people's hopes up. The more time passes I think the more rational you become about the situation. If it is a lost cause, I think it will gradually become apparent.

 

But I remember seeing on here that everybody tries to advise you that it is a very black or white situation: You're not ok until you have completely moved on and fully detached from the other person. Yes, you shouldn't dwell on the past and stay hung up on someone, but at the same time you can move forward, live your life, and still remember/think about / wonder what if about that other person.

 

To answer your question specifically, contact was very limited. No phone calls, only text on holidays/bdays. Probably went a full year without seeing one another. They were not in any serious relationships before we got back. I would say if they moved on quickly, it means they were already moving on before a breakup happened. All you can do is move on as well and live the life you want to. I promise it gets easier as time goes on.

[greenvalley]

Well the specific person follows a pattern and he is incapable of staying by himself. He entered a relationship with me only 4 months after he ended his 3 year relationship and after 2 and half years with me he broke up and entered another relationship. So unfortunately you come to a point where you realise you meant nothing to a person. Just another relationship to him. And it is a devastating feeling..

[Bo34]

Hey Brian. Thanks for sharing that. It certainly was a very informative read. It's funny because we read so many stories in here and they're all about with having to do with 'the moment,' the juncture where everyone here, including myself, are going thru the immediate aftermath of the breakup. (First few weeks/month(s). Very rarely do I come across a story at the end. I agree NC is the best way to go. I've been broken up for a little over 4 months, now. I was in a relationship for a year and a half. My ex broke up with me as the relationship became long-distance due to her graduate studies for law school, and although we still talked daily and visited each other across state routinely (every 6 weeks), after awhile she thought it was too much for her to continue with the stress of studies and distance. She claimed that there was no other guy in the picture and that she truly did not know whether or not she's be returning back home, where I live in.

 

 

It's been 4 months, and it's slowly reaching the point where I'm now starting coming to grips that this isn't just temporarily over, but it's permanently over. I tried everything I could to salvage the breakup during the face-to-face meeting, but haven't reached out since and gone full 100% NC for my own well-being.

 

My question to you is how did you go about forgetting your ex during this pivotal time where you two were separated?? Although my thoughts no longer have emotional ties to them, I still find myself thinking about her on a daily basis. I have random thoughts such as if she ever still thinks about me, and how/why did she pull the plug when she claimed even during our breakup that she still loves me and has feelings for me. Just recently, the past month, I went on a few dates with a girl who was by all means very attractive, but no matter what, I just couldn't hit it off with her, chemistry-wise. I can't help but think, had I not met my most recent ex, would I have possibly continued my pursuit with this new girl? I firmly believe I have to move on, and slowly coming to the reality that she is never going to come back, but when I have episodes like dating another girl and not feeling it because she doesn't measure up to my prior ex, it gets kind of depressing. I have started having thoughts that I may not ever find a girl like her.

 

Any advice would be highly appreciated. Thanks!!

[J21]

Ultimately you have to give it time. Lots of time. There is no substitute. I see people write that "you have to go No-Contact for yourself, to get over them completely, not to get a 2nd chance." I agree that moving on is more about self-preservation, but you can't trick your mind into not wanting to be with the person you want to be with. Time and space allows you perspective and heals wounds. It also often leads to the other person missing you; although, it also might not. Often you will find yourself having completely moved on which is great. I have numerous friends who have had an awful break up, and shortly find someone with whom they have a much better relationship. Some of these people are married. I've also seen people give it another go only to break up again, and also others who like me, got it right the 2nd time. Also some time and space might truly make you realize, F this person, they aren't good enough for me, I would never take them back.

Thanks for taking the time to such a great post Brian. That paragraph above is just gold man.

 

Wish you all the best things for you and your wife.

[BrianD1985]

 

My question to you is how did you go about forgetting your ex during this pivotal time where you two were separated?? Although my thoughts no longer have emotional ties to them, I still find myself thinking about her on a daily basis. I have random thoughts such as if she ever still thinks about me, and how/why did she pull the plug when she claimed even during our breakup that she still loves me and has feelings for me.

Any advice would be highly appreciated. Thanks!!

 

I don't think I ever truly forgot about her. I think in your situation it would be impossible to as well, especially given it has not been that long. And like I said earlier, I don't think the goal is to train your brain to forget about them. i don't think it is realistic. They were a big part of your life and now they are not. Allow yourself to be upset at times, no need to fight it. But don't let it consume you and do use it to fuel living your life. As time goes on and you better yourself, not only will you think about them less, but it won't be as painful. I promise that they think about you as well. I do remember that was a concern for me, "have they completely forgotten about me." Definitively, the answer is NO.

 

It doesn't mean a 2nd chance is going to happen, but if it is meant to be, it might just happen. Go forward like it is over for good. It is ok to miss them and be sad. Part of life is disappointment, there is no way to avoid it. A bigger part of life is learning from said disappointment and moving forward. There is so much more in store for you. Whether this person will be a part of that is honestly, inconsequential, as ridiculous as that may sound right now.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I came across this site years ago when going through a rough patch. Hadn't thought about it in years until a friend recently went through a tough break up. I remember searching for success stories of getting back together with someone, and they were few and far between. Here is mine. Happy to answer any questions.

 

We were together for 4 years in our mid-20's and broke up. It was a combination of distance and uncertainty if we wanted to marry one another. It was ultimately her decision, however. It was devastating for the both of us.

 

The first couple days were a nightmare. There was probably a moment or two of desperation or pleading, but ultimately not too bad.

 

I forget many of the details as it has been several years, but I basically went No-Contact, other than to be cordial in replying to messages, wishing happy birthday, etc. I ran a ton, read a ton, cried a lot, and kept myself busy. Did some dating after a couple of months. Had a relationship that i ultimately wanted out of. It's honestly not that much better breaking up with someone, but I can say this. By the time I did, I had wanted out for a while. I tried to show respect by being direct and not giving any breadcrumbs, while also not being insulting.

 

In two years I had never fully gotten over my ex. There is a difference between moving on and getting over someone. You can only control the former. I was fine, doing well professionally and personally, but kind of thought she'd always be someone that I just missed. Which was ok. life isn't always easy, we don't always get what we want. We still have to live our lives. Well turns out she had been feeling the same way.

 

She asked to meet up where I lived. Told me straight up she wanted back together. No stringing along, no BS. I took a day and said ok.

We've now been married for 3 years.

 

I realize this is a pretty cursory summary. It was honestly both the worst and best 2 years, and really helped shape me. I'm happy to answer any specific questions, as I recall reading this site was helpful way back when.

 

Ultimately you have to give it time. Lots of time. There is no substitute. I see people write that "you have to go No-Contact for yourself, to get over them completely, not to get a 2nd chance." I agree that moving on is more about self-preservation, but you can't trick your mind into not wanting to be with the person you want to be with. Time and space allows you perspective and heals wounds. It also often leads to the other person missing you; although, it also might not. Often you will find yourself having completely moved on which is great. I have numerous friends who have had an awful break up, and shortly find someone with whom they have a much better relationship. Some of these people are married. I've also seen people give it another go only to break up again, and also others who like me, got it right the 2nd time. Also some time and space might truly make you realize, F this person, they aren't good enough for me, I would never take them back.

 

It's cringe-worthy cliche, but Life truly is a journey, not a destination. Marriage or kids or whatever should not be the end goal, as even the great marriages end when someone dies. Live an enjoyable life, do what makes you happy, be with people who make you happy, experience different people and relationships. Every relationship we enter we take a risk of getting hurt. Take the risk anyway, and pick up the pieces if you have to.

 

 

Some Tips:

 

When a woman "isn't sure" or needs "some time." It is over. At least for the time being. Relationships are hard to come by and the world is a lonely place. People do not throw good relationships away for nothing. Women, and men too, 'can be unsure or 'take their time' while still in a relationship. When they actually want out, they've wanted out for a while. Let them.

 

Don't assume there is someone else. In my case, there was not. There may in fact be, but it shouldn't matter. They want to experience their lives without you as their significant other. It can be for many reasons. Not sure about future, see what else is out there, want to be alone, etc.

 

The only thing you can do is as follows: Let them go, give them space. Weak and clingy is a bad look as a woman, and 100X worse as a man. Be strong, be confident (fake it if you have to), and let them miss you. I don't know where I fall on the No Contact rule, but i do agree that contact should be limited and that it is done for 2 reasons; 1. to help get over that person, and less importantly, 2. to salvage any chance of getting back together if you should so choose.

 

This of course is not easy, especially for the longer relationships. But you are a man. Life is tough. It is a test of will-power and discipline. All the advice is great. Get in shape, run, read more, learn an instrument, learn a language; BETTER YOURSELF. If it helps, let the anger fuel you. They are the ones who ended this. WHY WOULD I POSSIBLY WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME! Don't take it personally. People get dumped all the time, regardless of how good looking you are, how much $$ you make, how generous you are, how supporting etc. They liked you for a reason to begin with, but sometimes compatibility takes more though. If you are honest with yourself and you have shortcomings, you got lazy, you got fat, your career is stalled; then fix it. But do it for you.

 

When you are ready, date other women. Everybody's time table is different, but I would suggest a couple of months not weeks. You need to be emotionally ready to casually get back out there. Date often, keep it causal, and don't lead the other person on. Having a few dates with someone you end up determining isn't your ideal match might give you some much needed perspective on your prior relationship.

 

Talk to people, get your emotions out. Family, close friends, professionals. Getting it out of your system is healthy and necessary.

 

try to keep things in perspective. It feels like a death, but it is not. You have your health and the gift of life, and you will want to make the most of it again. It can't be stressed enough, TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS, and this too shall pass. it's just another life experience. I remember thinking, as horrible as it felt in the beginning, "wow, what a powerful emotion. It's amazing we get to feel this."

 

Ok that's it.

 

Wonderful story. My ex and I have now been split for exactly 2 months. We spoke of marriage, kids, and even had money a side we collectively put together to buy a house. However, over the course of our relationship, I became fatigued. Between her, my mentally ill grandmother, and very demanding new found career, I was breaking down, and she ended up not getting the attention/love she deserved. So she broke up with me. The day after, she told my friend that she hopes we find each other again one day. And I hope the same.

[BrianD1985]

Sorry to hear it. Just give her space for the time being. Be a ghost and work on all your own stuff. If she truly misses you and wants to "find each other" again, she 100% will. Time and Space, can't stress that enough.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Sorry to hear it. Just give her space for the time being. Be a ghost and work on all your own stuff. If she truly misses you and wants to "find each other" again, she 100% will. Time and Space, can't stress that enough.

 

We texted each other a couple times since then. The other day I asked her if she was doing okay, and we replied a couple times. Still, haven't actually spoken to her since. You think this is okay, or should I completely ghost out? Also, we're still facebook friends, and she constantly post meme's alluding to our relationship. Most of them would lead you to believe she's frustrated. Should I delete her?

[bluefeather]

Very, very well said, Brian. Thank you for your words.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

We texted each other a couple times since then. The other day I asked her if she was doing okay, and we replied a couple times. Still, haven't actually spoken to her since. You think this is okay, or should I completely ghost out? Also, we're still facebook friends, and she constantly post meme's alluding to our relationship. Most of them would lead you to believe she's frustrated. Should I delete her?

 

Not to be rude, but what did he JUST get done saying?

[BrianD1985]

We texted each other a couple times since then. The other day I asked her if she was doing okay, and we replied a couple times. Still, haven't actually spoken to her since. You think this is okay, or should I completely ghost out? Also, we're still facebook friends, and she constantly post meme's alluding to our relationship. Most of them would lead you to believe she's frustrated. Should I delete her?

 

Yeah, I think it'd be advisable to lessen the communication. Don't ignore her if there is something important being discussed, but it seems like maybe you should not be initiating contact and allowing yourself to get out of that "hopeful" cycle, while also making her realize you're not always just there. Make 'em wonder what you're up to. I think it is cheap to call it game playing, but the fact of the matter is, it is human psychology to let the imagination go wild when their is absence.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Yeah, I think it'd be advisable to lessen the communication. Don't ignore her if there is something important being discussed, but it seems like maybe you should not be initiating contact and allowing yourself to get out of that "hopeful" cycle, while also making her realize you're not always just there. Make 'em wonder what you're up to. I think it is cheap to call it game playing, but the fact of the matter is, it is human psychology to let the imagination go wild when their is absence.

 

Yeah man, you're right. I'll do that. But honestly, I'm having trouble deleting her Facebook. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, since she's gone and all. But I guess I feel like it's something I have left, as pathetic as that sounds. I just blocked her post, so I don't see anything she writes. I hope, that maybe next, I can delete her.

[BrianD1985]

If you are using Facebook to hold on to her and to check up on her, then yes, I would get rid of it, or block her or whatever. If you find yourself checking their profile all the time, that is not a good thing in terms moving forward. Do it for yourself.

[fiskadoro]

To the OP

 

Congratulations on your success! I would like to ask you a few questions:

 

* how did you resolve the things that led up to the breakup, and whatever underlying (if there were any) resentment, hurt feelings, etc

* did you'll hash out what kind of relationship you would like to have in the future or did you two just dive right in?

* what has been the difference this time that allowed things to go smoothly, or how do you handle rough patches differently?

* were there any harsh words exchanged, or any vows of "never again"?

 

I like your perspective and the focus on the need for time. I wish I had gone into NC right away. For the first 6 weeks my ex sent me a few texts and called me, never explicitly asking to get back but with obvious intent. Since she wasn't explicitly asking I didn't take the bait and was just cordial and friendly but not initiating anything. Later things flipped, she stopped contacting me completely and told me (by text) that she could answer questions but didn't want to hear any details of my daily life and would not accept any more assistance from me. After we'd broken up I had driven her to a few appointments and we'd had a couple of warm lunches, and I paid her phone bill, lent her a book she needed, etc. My response was to text her that I regretted breaking up with her, to which she replied "it's done". Last week I had the good fortune to run into her and we had a brief, cordial enough chat where I explicitly asked for another chance. She shot me down, then floated off into the stratosphere in the ego balloon I had so kindly inflated for her.

 

So yeah, liking the message of hope but coming to grips with the reality that I need to be focused on myself, no matter what happens in the future.

[BrianD1985]

To the OP

 

Congratulations on your success! I would like to ask you a few questions:

 

* how did you resolve the things that led up to the breakup, and whatever underlying (if there were any) resentment, hurt feelings, etc

* did you'll hash out what kind of relationship you would like to have in the future or did you two just dive right in?

* what has been the difference this time that allowed things to go smoothly, or how do you handle rough patches differently?

* were there any harsh words exchanged, or any vows of "never again"?

 

So yeah, liking the message of hope but coming to grips with the reality that I need to be focused on myself, no matter what happens in the future.

 

*I think I had enough time where all those emotions were not as raw as what you are probably feeling now. Obviously feelings are hurt, but at some point you have to realize they did what they had to do, and that YOU would do the same in their position. When there are some doubts, and some distance, and momentum has kind of stalled, you have hit a fork in the road, and sometimes a breakup is what has to happen. As stupid as it may sound, try not to take it personally.

 

*I would say we just dove right in. To dwell on the past I don't think would have been wise. To allow lingering resentment or negativity will only be an obstacle to happiness. You have to jump right in and honestly almost treat it like a new relationship. And it was very clear this was not just a 'shot' and that it was a permanent kind of reconnect.

 

*I think it worked only because we had both changed and both wanted to be together long term. There is no substitute for that. Doubts about long term-future are tough to extinguish. And I will say there is nothing the other person can do to help that; having doubts and hopefully getting over them is completely an internal process of that person. The fact we both wanted to reconnect and wanted the same things and shared an idea of the future is what makes relationships work in general and what gets you through any hard times/rough patches.

 

*I guess the only credit I would give myself looking back, was ultimately taking the high road. No harsh words, name calling etc. I guess my idea was always, maintain dignity, leave them with good memory of you. Someone you are proud of. That helped me a lot actually. I wouldn't worry about it if maybe you've spouted off a couple of times, I am sure it is natural in the beginning of these things. But I would suggest to not make a habit of it.

 

I'm glad you are focusing on yourself. That is everything and the only thing you should be doing. Don't keep going back for punishment. If it's meant for there to be another chance, it will present itself. You can not force it to happen. You will get through this no matter what. You will be happy.

[Didn'tknow]

Thanks for this. It's been a year since my ex and I broke up, we were together for 3 years. I'm still finding it quite difficult and I'm pretty sure at this stage I will always have feelings for her.

 

We started dating when she was only 16, she's now 20. I fully understand why she didn't want to be in a relationship at that age, she had just started college and needed to grow as an individual.

 

This doesn't make it any easier however, I know she has dated people in the past year, I haven't found anyone that's clicked with me.

 

We've had very slight contact the past year, barely any. I'm hoping that when we've both grown as people we will somehow find our way back to one another someday like your situation.

[fiskadoro]

 

I forget many of the details as it has been several years, but I basically went No-Contact, other than to be cordial in replying to messages, wishing happy birthday, etc. I ran a ton, read a ton, cried a lot, and kept myself busy. Did some dating after a couple of months. Had a relationship that i ultimately wanted out of. It's honestly not that much better breaking up with someone, but I can say this. By the time I did, I had wanted out for a while. I tried to show respect by being direct and not giving any breadcrumbs, while also not being insulting.

 

Hello,

 

Thanks for your response. I too don't know where I stand on no contact, and part of that of course is the "weakness" I see in myself for wanting to have some, any connection. However, I do like the idea of preserving the best image of myself in her mind. What were your exceptions to no contact? Did you initiate the birthday greetings, and did she always wish you happy birthdays? How often did she send you messages and were there some you ignored? Were her messages absolutely necessary, or were they fishing expeditions?

 

I know I am asking for details but I am trying to gather as much helpful information as possible to establish a baseline. The last time she saw me (two weeks ago) I begged a bit after starting, and it was 2.5 months after the breakup. Very uncharacteristic of me, and a moment of weakness I regret. Her birthday is coming up in two months and I am not sure if I should send a card out of civility or completely drop off the radar.

 

Also, she left a door open of sorts, she told me she would text me about meeting and getting back her favorite scarf, and she borrowed a very expensive book that belonged to my office library. I am hopeful she will use one of these two things to meet up, and I have already texted her once asking when she wanted to get her scarf back, she said she would let me know. Sometimes I look to my left or right and see the book and her scarf sitting on my shoulder, imploring me to text her ASAP to get them back in her possession. I hate being so loopy in love, thank God I have been in control for the most part about texting and calling, I have texted 4 times since she went cold (all generic how are you stuff) and not called at all.

 

BTW, i broke up with her because I felt she wasn't including me enough in her life; she is going through a messy long distance divorce with her hubby (who lives in her home country, Korea) and I just felt needy, despite her having made many concessions to me and dating me despite a feeling of shame for getting involved before her divorce is final. I tried to right the ship after several weeks of thinking it over, but alas...

Edited November 21, 2015 by fiskadoro

[backandforth]

Nice words Brian. I'm still recovering from a 2 year relationship in which I gave up everything to move to the other side of the world. Now I'm back in my home country and rebuilding (been back since March).

 

When we first split she wanted to maintain contact (Skype, whatsapp etc) but I couldn't do it, and I disconnected about a month later. We've had a couple of exchanges since then and it's completely broken down and turned sh**ty. I suggested a Skype sometime to catch up; at first she said yes, then she messaged the next day to say that she didn't want to.

 

I know I'll never forget her (much like how you were feeling - that's why I'm responding to this) but I'm doing my best to let her go and move on. We just had a really strong connection that probably kept us together longer than we should have (even in her last message she acknowledged how strong our connection has been).

 

I guess all I can do is keep trying to move forward and put it behind me if I can. Anyway, thanks for your post!

[JustAnotherLostLove]

If you are using Facebook to hold on to her and to check up on her, then yes, I would get rid of it, or block her or whatever. If you find yourself checking their profile all the time, that is not a good thing in terms moving forward. Do it for yourself.

 

I blocked her post and stopped using Facebook, didn't delete her account tho, can't lie. Suppose I am using it to hold on. But since doing that, I've felt a lot better. Maybe it's because I'm distracted by my new Xbox all the time, but still. Just sucks... I was looking forward to starting that life we planned together. It's amazing how everything can be lost in a matter of days. I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually.

[BrianD1985]

Hello,

 

Thanks for your response. I too don't know where I stand on no contact, and part of that of course is the "weakness" I see in myself for wanting to have some, any connection. However, I do like the idea of preserving the best image of myself in her mind. What were your exceptions to no contact? Did you initiate the birthday greetings, and did she always wish you happy birthdays? How often did she send you messages and were there some you ignored? Were her messages absolutely necessary, or were they fishing expeditions?

 

I know I am asking for details but I am trying to gather as much helpful information as possible to establish a baseline.

 

Honestly, two weeks is nothing, no matter how it feels. The timelines are totally different between the dumper/dumpee at the very beginning. They might even feel some aspects relief or happiness while the other is completely crushed. But, if there is unfinished business and you are meant to have another chance, their relief becomes "missing you" and regret, while you are mending and "missing them" but not to the point where you probably are right now.

 

As far as contact, it is a little hard to remember. I would venture they reached out on birthdays or really important stuff, and I would as well. Aside from that I probably never initiated contact. Nor did she.

Always be cordial. Never be needy. Never be rude.

Remember, they did you a favor. It would be far worse to be with someone who didn't fully want to be with you.

[greenleaves54]

Honestly, two weeks is nothing, no matter how it feels. The timelines are totally different between the dumper/dumpee at the very beginning. They might even feel some aspects relief or happiness while the other is completely crushed. But, if there is unfinished business and you are meant to have another chance, their relief becomes "missing you" and regret, while you are mending and "missing them" but not to the point where you probably are right now.

 

As far as contact, it is a little hard to remember. I would venture they reached out on birthdays or really important stuff, and I would as well. Aside from that I probably never initiated contact. Nor did she.

Always be cordial. Never be needy. Never be rude.

Remember, they did you a favor. It would be far worse to be with someone who didn't fully want to be with you.

 

Great thread BrianD.

 

A small question, I'm 3 months BU, thinking of breaking NC to send my ex a birthday wish like you did, just to be civil and polite, not to attempt to get her back. It just feels like the natural thing to do after being together for 2 years.

 

But I fear that she might initiate a "catching up conversation" if I contact her, which I'm not really ready for or interested in.

 

Should I skip it and just stay NC instead so I won't risk her asking if she can call me? Or just decline her wish to chat if it comes up? Or agree with chatting, and risk that I might get set back by hearing about her new life?

 

I don't feel an urge to contact her at all, I'd like to just continue with my own life without looking back. I guess I'm just afraid of coming off as bitter about the BU if I ignore her birthday.

 

I know it's a silly thing to ponder on, but I guess that's the way the brain works after getting dumped. I'm not pretending to be completely over her yet, but I'm well on my way!

 

I think the answer is: "Stay NC. You won't come of as bitter by not congratulating.", but I'm not entirely sure.

[BrianD1985]

Great thread BrianD.

 

A small question, I'm 3 months BU, thinking of breaking NC to send my ex a birthday wish like you did, just to be civil and polite, not to attempt to get her back. It just feels like the natural thing to do after being together for 2 years.

 

But I fear that she might initiate a "catching up conversation" if I contact her, which I'm not really ready for or interested in.

 

Should I skip it and just stay NC instead so I won't risk her asking if she can call me? Or just decline her wish to chat if it comes up? Or agree with chatting, and risk that I might get set back by hearing about her new life?

 

I don't feel an urge to contact her at all, I'd like to just continue with my own life without looking back. I guess I'm just afraid of coming off as bitter about the BU if I ignore her birthday.

 

I know it's a silly thing to ponder on, but I guess that's the way the brain works after getting dumped. I'm not pretending to be completely over her yet, but I'm well on my way!

 

I think the answer is: "Stay NC. You won't come of as bitter by not congratulating.", but I'm not entirely sure.

 

My advice would be to wish them a Happy Birthday. Very simple and leave it at that. Nothing more, nothing less. If she tries to make it into something more, you don't have to let her. You have control on how much/how little you wish to speak/text.

[CatcherintheRye]

BrianD,

 

I just wanted to say that I regressed a little in the healing process tonight and was feeling wildly lonely and sad that my boyfriend has disappeared so quickly from every aspect of my life. Your post helped me so much. I feel so much less isolated.

 

I do have a question if you don't mind. I've been NC for almost a week now. The last time I talked to him (only through text) I begged for him to reconsider and to meet me for lunch. He said he didn't think it was a good idea, that I'd be a lot happier without him, and that without trust we were just "spinning out wheels" and not going anywhere. We both fought a lot and there were trust/communication issues on both sides. Is there any chance he'll miss me and contact me do you think, despite all of this?

 

He's ignored me for so long and, in the relationship, we would talk every day no matter what. It's just so hard going from that to nothing so fast. It scares me when people flip the script so fast, as if after a year together, we meant virtually nothing to him.

Edited December 9, 2015 by CatcherintheRye